#waaaaayup

23 years…. Imagine that the entire universe represents the entirety of time as we know it. Hundreds and thousands of years represented by the stars, planets, and galaxies that are in our universe. So with all of that time, what would 23 years be in relation to that? A speck? That doesn’t seem like a lot in the grand scheme of things.... Is it?

It’s a lot. To me, it’s a lot.

Let me start off by saying that I’m not special. But even then, that’s a statement that I’m having trouble explaining… I’m not special because I can never place myself above another person. But I fundamentally believe that everyone is special because we’re all different in our own way. So i guess you can interpret that on your own.

I’m not even going to try to go over the last 23 years of my life… By the time I’m halfway through, I would have already lost your interest and attention. So i’ll start around the time I turned 20. Three years ago.

By this time three years ago, I was in a completely different place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically. I remember auditioning for Mamma Mia and being a main cast person for the very first time, not being sure about where I was going with my education at a CC, and thinking that there was nothing wrong with who I was as a person. Looking back now, I never realized all the things about me that were not right…

2013, that was probably the worst year of my life.

To put it bluntly, I was a mess. I never thought I would truly understand depression, but for the second half of that year, or even sooner, I knew a little bit of what depression was. I felt like I lost all of my friends. Jealousy, feelings of anger, loneliness, and feeling like a failure took over me when they shouldn’t have. I was doing terrible in classes that I might have gotten an A or a B on if I actually focused. But my mind was wandering… Everywhere I went, I carried the same blank, sad, empty, dead face. I would like to believe that I’m not a person who wears a mask to disguise my emotions; but there was just no point in hiding it. I couldn’t talk to anyone. There was even a point where I was so depressed that I tried to open up to a friend, and all that happened was she cussed me out over text for basically being a bitch. lol. It was real painful then, but ironic when I think about that instance now. Everyone around me was happy, and I was stuck having to pull myself out of the mud. I won’t disclose too much of myself, but there were many times where that feeling of depression consumed me… I thought that maybe I was just meant to be alone, to see the people I cared about being happy with their life and feeling that no one would love me or that no one would really be my friend with nothing held back. 

Please don’t feel sorry for me. That isn’t the reason that I’m writing about this. There’s a moral to this story, I promise.

I had spent so much of my time taking care of others, trying to be the patient and understanding one, when I realized I didn’t have anyone to pick me up the one time I needed it. The ones I hoped would make me feel better about myself were busy with their own lives, soaking in their happiness toward their life and the people around them, and I felt as if I didn’t have a friend I could trust to understand me. That word lost some meaning because maybe, back then, I didn’t understand what being a friend was. Maybe I was the one alienating the people around me, not the other way around.

When I think about it, all of those feelings of sadness were borne from inward thinking. The depression from my bad grades did not come from wanting to do well in school; they were because I selfishly wanted my parents and the people around me to see me as successful and dependable. Back then, I was a person who was insecure and selfish; I wanted everyone to be my friend and for everyone to like me. I had anxiety whenever I would think about someone not being alright with me. While school was probably the biggest reason I was so depressed, it was my spirituality that took the biggest hit. I didn’t feel any love from my friends and the people I cared about; so it made me even wonder if God had any love for me. I went through the motions of being active in my Catholic community, but I still felt an emptiness that wouldn’t be fixed. I thought removing those feelings inside me and being numb was the answer. So I always sat alone. I avoided people and friends because being around them only made me think about how abandoned and hurt I felt. My parents worried about me. The empty face I wore outside was the same as the one I wore at home—told you I don’t wear masks.

I’m not sure what exactly made me change my attitude with my life then, but when 2014 came, it was like a sudden change in the wind.

The grass and trees that faded to gray in my life began to gain their color as the frost of winter faded, giving way to vibrant greens and blues and yellow hues of springtime.

Damn, that was good.

2014 was a year that will always have a special place in my heart, for many reasons. Not because it was the best I had ever experienced, but because 2014 was the year I felt I had the most growth at the time. I learned to accept the things that I couldn’t change, I learned that I wasn’t perfect and that there were parts of me that were human…and needed to change.

I learned that I had a reputation that was different from who I really was and who I tried to be. I learned to never talk about anyone’s reputation or to look down at anyone for what we see and what we think is true. And it hurts even more when it’s someone you cared deeply about that said those things about you in the first place. Because I had all of those things happen to me. And to know how it feels, to be judged by someone who isn’t God, it sucks. Because you’re forced to look at yourself and it hurts to see how people truly see you. But everything that people have said and thought about who I was…well… it was my fault because I gave people the opportunity to misunderstand me. I was the wrong one. People are judged all the time; I’m not the only person, and there are many other people out there who have had it much worse. And I began to understand how hurtful it must be for others who are judged or made fun of. So I learned to make up for my mistakes by being silent. Kindness is the truest form of sincerity, and is how a person should be measured. Rather than judge, be kind to anyone and everyone you see. Especially to the people who are complete assholes or are judgmental; it’s probably the the greatest test of character, being genuinely kind to people who have said or done things to hurt you or others.

I will also remember 2014 because I was lucky enough to find a girl who cared for me as much as I love her. 1 year has already passed and it still feels so new. From all of the inside jokes, to our spiritual lives, we’ve learned to grow with each other and through each other’s experiences. It’s only been a year, and even though that’s a big deal, it’s still a short amount of time. So I’ve learned to just enjoy every little moment we have together, whether it’s over the phone, on FaceTime, or in person :) She inspires me. I’m very lucky and I always thank God for the blessing of not only her love, but for the people in my life who truly love and care for me and my well-being. I’m not worthy of having blessings like these, but I gratefully accept them as humbly as humanly possible. 

I felt as if my service to God and my relationship with Him has also developed. I don’t want to say that it changed, because our relationship with God should fundamentally be the same: the relationship of an obedient child to their Father. Rather than be upset or angry if things didn’t turn out like I hoped, I had to accept that things happen because the plan of God is always greater than the plans of our own; we may never understand why things are the way they are, or why terrible things happen to each  of us in our lives. Regardless of what happens—whether it be good or (subjectively) bad—we learn to be grateful of the moment. According to J.R.R. Tolkien,

“What punishments of God are not gifts?”

And according to Stephen Colbert (yeah I was just as surprised as you):

“It would be ungrateful to not take EVERYTHING with gratitude. […] And so that act, that impulse to be grateful, wants an ‘object’. That ‘object’, I call my God.

That’s my context for my existence: that I am here to know God, love God, and serve God, that we might be happy with each other in this world and with Him in the next.”

I think that about sums up my growth. Colbert’s not just a hilarious talk show host, he’s a pretty deep guy. I’m still not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will fall, I will fail at some point. I will probably disappoint you once or twice, but please know that in my heart, I’m trying my best to do every action the right way. Please forgive me if at any point I have failed you, whomever you are. Chalk it up to my limited humanness, although it shouldn’t be an excuse. Because, just like you and everyone else in the world, I’m trying to change. I’m just a sinner knowing that I need to change my life. Now, I’m celebrating my 8 year anniversary being a graduate from the retreat, I have my family, I’m a year and 4 months away from my bachelor’s degree in nursing, I’m in a happy one-year relationship, and I still have the humble privilege of serving God’s people.

So take a lesson from my 23 years of living. These were all lessons I had to learn the hard way:

1. Let kindness pour from you through your words and actions. If genuine kindness is your real intention, you can never go wrong with what people think or say about what you do.

2. Be proud of other people’s happiness and success, not jealous. It’s about them, not you. Let them have their moment, yours will come in time if you trust.

3. Don’t be too concerned with people’s opinions of you. No one has any right to judge anyone else, because it always hurts to be on the other end. We’ve all been there.

4. Try not to be so sensitive. Being sensitive really messed me up and got me stuck feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity is understandable to an extent, but always moving forward is the best way to go. In my opinion.

5. You’re going to fall in love. And chances are, you’re going to fall for someone that breaks your heart. You’ll feel like everything is slowly fading to gray and black. And what’s even worse, you’ll see that person find someone else, look happy, and completely ignore you and your feelings. It’s gonna suck. And it’s gonna hurt like nothing you’ve ever experienced. But it gets better. I promise. You’ll find new things and new people to fill that void he or she left in your heart. Your heart getting broken is like breaking your leg or your arm. When it mends, your arm or leg bones will grow back stronger. And so will you. So let yourself fall in love. Let yourself get heartbroken, and find the strength to pick up the pieces. It’s all a part of being alive. 

6. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes, and so does everyone else. So don’t be too discouraged when things don’t go the way you hoped. In time, everything will be clear. So enjoy the ride because the lessons you learn from the lows are just as beautiful as the highs, if not more so from all of the struggles we go through in every low moment we have. Be grateful for the journey.