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âŻâŻâŻ
I really enjoyed spending time with you the other night. I need to think of someone to talk about that isn't you.
I'm still kind of mad at you, but. It comes from ignorance, I know.
I'd like to meet you kid, at least once, just to say hi.
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Your eyes are open, though your vision remains dark save for the dancing flames of various colours around you. You've been sitting within this state for much of the day, taking a break to hang with your best bro and his boyfriend, though you don't feel you've made any progress. You told Cass what you had discovered of this state of magic, and she revealed that Dave had been practicing with his own form of it for months now, right underneath your nose. He'd told her not to tell, you don't blame either of them for that, but for you to have gone so long without noticing...
Your vision begins to lighten; you refocus. Looking down, you observe what you believe to be your soul, floating within you, or just in front. You turn it over in your hands, feeling a pressure around you, but not much else. It's orange in colour, of course, though at this point it more resembled brown. Wrapping loosely around it is a thin string, bright red, that leads away from you before disappearing at the end. Occasionally, you can feel it pulling. On one side, you could see an especially dark patch that seemed to be spreading like infection through a vein. It had been growing there for a while. You chose to disregard it for now.
Dismissing it, you look up and about the appartment. Cookie shines bright, a sort of oceanic green colour, and Two Tone a perhaps duller shade of magenta. You can see Cass's dark purple in the kitchen, Daves vibrant red within his room, and all around you was a soft burgundy. You'd come to understand this was HAL, inhabiting the house.
You begin to feel uneasy, and rememember what Crosy told you. Is that you, or someone else? How are you supposed to tell the difference? How can you tell the source of them, even if you can figure out that it's not you fueling your own emotions? Can you even trust yourself to feel anymore? Could you ever?
The structure is beginning to slip away from you again and you huff, frustrated, as you pull it back. Some powers this is turning out to be. You can look at some pretty lights whenever you choose, what are you supposed to do with that? Maybe not, maybe you're just supposed to sit here in confusion. But that doesn't sit right to you. Dave is able to turn back or forwards the clock of time relative to a specific item or small area, Rose has long been demonstrating her foresight, though before recently you had chalked that up to it being Rose. You could just ask her what you're meant to do, but that didn't seem within the spirit of the game.
Because, of course, it is a game. Or the remainder or precursor to one. It's all just a big joke to the universe, and you're meant to play along. It was just a shame the universe had thrown away the rules card. How were you supposed to know your objective, or even how to play?
You feel an ache throughout your body, beginning at your chest, and look down to see your fingers wrapped around your flame, near smothering it. You relax your hands, allowing it to brighten back up, and as the pressure releases, so does your hold. The illusion flickers out, and you're back to sitting on your bed. Internally, you swear, before opening your eyes again to bring it back up.
I hate PDA, I say, logging on to speak at length about my endless wells of adoration for my wonderful friends and family and then logging off.
Dirk: => Theorize
TT: You know a lot about Sburb, don't you? TT: In the short time that I was a sprite, I cataloged as much information as I could, thinking it may come in handy. You could say that the knowledge granted to me could be categorized as "a lot". TT: That being said, I only know what a sprite would know. Iâm not fucking omniscient. TT: Why? TT: Iâve been thinking about my future self.
Halfway though typing, you remember what your previous conversation was about, the one before he disappeared. He was hurt because you wouldnât open up, wouldnât talk to him, and what are you doing now? Youâre trying to do the same thing, brush him off without telling him anything.
You shake your head and backspace what youâd been saying. Letâs try that again.
Better. Youâre still backpedaling a lot, but itâs better.
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>You feel... Invigorated, you guess. Better. >Itâs nice to get your frustrations out, your intentions, and have someone actually listen, rather than yelling at the blank wall you call your vent or keeping it to yourself because you donât want to bring anyone down or...damn it, thatâs exactly what youâre trying to prove to others, that theyâre not bothering anyone by seeking out someone to talk to, isnât it? >Maybe you should take Cronus up on his offer sometime. >But thatâs not what youâre thinking about right now! >Your heart is fucking full to the brim with the love and you wonât hesitate to share it, bitch! >Okay, you might hesitate a little, because you donât know if itâs actually wanted, but logic says it probably is and thatâs not important to the reference anyway! >Doubts creep into the edges of your mind about how much Sock might actually want to hear this, but you banish that shit. Heâd tell you, he seems pretty straight forward. >Your head feels a little clearer, you feel a little more equipped to take on everything you want to. Now, you just have to figure out how to get back in the saddle.
Itâs awkward, you knew it would be. You go to pick up Jake, Jade, and their grandparents in your car, and heâs quiet all through the drive to their hotel. The conversation between yourself and their grandparents, as well as Jade occasionally, is pleasant enough to drown the quiet, but the silent void of a space coming from the back seat hangs in your mind the whole drive.
Itâs a race between cousins to their room to drop off their things, you and the caretakers trailing behind with the majority of their luggage, but you donât make it to the room before Jade is back and asking you to drive her to your apartment. Sheâs nearly vibrating with excitement to see John, Dave, and Rose all together. Jake is behind her; he grins. You nearly shrivel in dread.
Dropping the bags off is a cinch, with promises made that they would be back to unpack and yes theyâre sure itâs safe, yes theyâll be back before dark. You can feel both guardians staring you down and sizing you up before their grandchildren are released.
Jade disappears quickly when you get home, and you hear a crash followed by a squee and âsorry!!â. You nearly smile, Jake moves to the couch to give your sister and her bffsie a hug, as well as to introduce yourself to Cass. You stand off to the side, awkward. After a while, you leave to stand in the hall for a bit, needing to take a breather. You donât have roof access in the new building. Unbeknownst to you, Roxy and Jane give each other a knowing look as Jake stares after you, taking only minutes to follow you out.
And then.
And then you talk.
Itâs weird to speak to him like that.
Heâs grown up, no longer the stringy kid youâd dated years before. Youâd hoped that once you got talking, it would be like no time had passed at all. But heâs different. Youâre different. Youâre no longer the shell of a man protecting a core of anger and resentment. Youâve grown, so that you no longer have to be a shell, and your core is just a bit sweeter. You havenât been around to witness his growth, but you can tell that heâs not the same kid who would let himself be bulldozed over.
You talk about your families, and what youâve done. You talk about what you missed in each otherâs lives, and what youâve made of yourselves so far. You talk about each other, and what you were, and what you are, and what that means. You apologize, and Jake gives you a well needed wake up call. You look at him, and still think heâs beautiful.
You donât tell him about your pain. He doesnât tell you about his. When you finish talking, he asks if youâre going to come back in. You tell him to give you a moment.
When heâs gone, you wipe your eyes. Your phone appears in your hand, too late for you to remember that Crosyâs gone. You change tabs, and. No, you canât talk to him either. Your phone disappears. You mime stabbing yourself in the chest, and snort. You go back inside to your friends. Your family.
âŻâŻâŻ
Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you want to go ape shit? I'm always holding myself on a leash, but I don't want to. I want to let go to see how far I can run. I don't want to fall. You know I'm still going to follow my plan.
I hate how pervasive you are. You're everywhere, in everything, no matter how far away I get. Why can't you leave me alone? Did you intend for this? To suffocate us until we forgot how to breathe?
I don't know how to talk to you anymore.
