#death m

i told my therapist i didn't feel anything about my grandparents being in the last stages of life, and she was like, that's ok anticipatory grief is weird for everyone, and then my grandfather actually died the other week and i felt weird for, like, a day max before continuing to stress about everything else in my life. didn't even tell my boss about it

my dad died 4 yrs ago when i was 22 and i still haven't gotten him a headstone. not because I can't afford it - his estate netted me $15k and i'm still holding onto that and haven't spent it - but because like. a) that's the most money ive ever had and probably will ever have for a long time and im scared to touch it, even on something as crucial as his headstone b) i don't think he would've wanted that. he died suddenly and the burial plot was my grandma's idea in a catholic cemetery and he wasn't religious and had crazy religious trauma, but mostly c) i struggle to like... address anything surrounding the fact that he's dead. the only way ive been coping with it is just not thinking about it

im upset

Fun(?) fact: I stopped by the casino while taking a straight several hundred mile drive to see my Good Christian Grandmother one last time.