#vulnerabilty

Is this real, or just your protection? 

George goes on a walk in the forest at night, happens to get lost, and is saved by a certain criminal. Just his luck.

TikTok: fabianalimar

yesterday I felt suffocated. I couldn’t keep still but I felt like if I moved or spoke I would have convulsions. My environment felt harsh and languid. I just wanted to lie down. I was very against myself, unconsciously. I got some fresh air, got on the bus, was petrified to look around me but then I did and I noticed how solemn everyone else looked. Or at least tired. Or at least in their own heads. And I laughed a little to myself. Why was I so afraid? Why did I make everything so heavy? And my bus driver was bonkers. In a great way, from what I could see. His lucid insanity comforted me. Right before getting off he told me that I was very smart and that he could tell by my eyes. I walked away feeling a little lighter. He honked and waved a farewell, ridiculous and kind of wonderful. But I still had work to do. I made a quick dinner and ate it hastily. I laid down, wanting to talk to someone who would just listen. About everything and nothing. And I started thinking monotonous thoughts about the self. What is the self? How am I allowed to express it? How dare I think about what’s “allowed”? Don’t you know that’s self sabotage? Don’t you laugh and cry and say there’s room for everyone? And I was thinking.. how crazy it is just to be alive. I am alive. I am in this body. I am an individual. I can and should take up space. But also, I am one of billions of species at this point of time and there have been billions of species before me and all kinds of crazy, insane, wonderful people. Not to be anthropocentric. One cannot comprehend the vast multitudes of life that are and have been. And I thought, how wonderfully freeing the paradox is. That we each inhabit individual bodies with the power to love and feel and create and connect with others. And we are also just tiny, tiny organisms part of who really knows what. So, why box myself in?

- im vulnerable as i can be, hoping she will see me for me

Words by Soho Rezanejad; Love's a Raging Prey

Immature Dysfunctional Parents All 4 of my parents were immature to to an extent and definitely dysfunctional but doesn’t mean they were without love and care - one set of parents struggled with addiction issues and the other set of parents were very young when they took guardianship of me. So, they were really kids themselves trying to raise a highly traumatized child.  You Feel Stuck And Don’t Know How To Change It Been here way too many times. The feeling is in my chest a bit - these past 3 years I’ve felt this; knowing I didn’t want to stay in the situation or city I was/am in. I’m to a point now where I’m making changes - I got a 2nd job to aid in paying things off so I can save up for my own place and car. I’m working out, getting my body and mind back, creating a routine that works for me.  You Cling Or Push People Away Yeah, this is a major one I’m really still trying to manage and figure out. It’s almost as if I’ve spent so much of my life pleasing others, chasing others that I want them to please me and chase me even if I push them away. It’s like I’m almost testing people to see how much they really care or love me (?) But I know sometimes when I really just want to be held and nurtured I end up pushing people away that try to do that. Then there are moments where I am clingy to a person when I was just pushing them away. And now that I’m typing this out it reminds me of my relationship with my biological mom - I don’t think she intended to push and pull but that’s what the addiction did to her and since my birth it’s been engrained in me in a way. I know it’s very possible to undo that pattern and create a new one. It’s mandatory at this point especially with how I want to create meaningful, lasting relationships with friends, family and lovers. I need to learn how to accept and receive without worrying if they’re going to leave.  Rocky, Unfulfilling Relationships I’ve definitively had my fair share - more than the good, solid and stable ones. Working on this majorly because I’m ready for a peaceful, emotionally intelligent and unconditionally partnership in love.  You Stay When You Should Go Yeah. It’s like, I have to see it through and if there’s anything else I can do I want to do it. But no, I know it’s not beneficial for my mental or physical health. Working on this, and I mean in a way all these things work together. When I learn to heal the root then theoretically all these things should change/heal as well.