What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or currently experiencing?
“I don’t know how to word it. It’s like not being trapped in my head so much, if that makes sense. I would have to say, the bullying that I experienced growing up in middle school and high school and from my father. It was like a never-ending cycle of bullying. Back in the day, when I was in middle school, high school, social media was not as prevalent as it is today. You would expect that when you got back to your own home, it would be a safe place. You might’ve had a rough day at school, but you would expect to go home and feel safe at home with your family. But for me, I’d go to school and get bullied, and then I’d go home and get bullied by my father. It was a never-ending cycle. So actually these past two years I’d consider my recovery from being trapped in my head with my therapist. He really helped me with understanding certain behaviors, such as why I would avoid people. When I would come home on break from college and I would see kids from my high school and middle school, and even though they weren’t the ones that were directly bullying me, they were still associated with that time in my life that I wanted to forget. It’s been a challenge get out of your head, because it can be a safe and also a very dark place. It was a very dark place because I believed everything people were telling me and my father would say, so I had zero self-confidence, about things like my body, my ability to make friends, my ability to find love, my ability to understand myself and accept myself. So I would say in my heart the most challenging thing is bullying, and getting over that.”
How would you say that the bullying impacted you and your later years?
“That’s actually what I would like to do going forward in life. When I get my masters in social work, I would want to work with schools, and educate people on the long-standing effects of bullying. I feel like schools nowadays are getting better at responding appropriately. Where back in the day when I was in middle school and high school it was just like, ‘kids will be kids.’ That was the message I got a lot of the time, and it was just awful. I think people don’t realize the severity of how awful bullying can be, especially now with all those platforms where people can take a quick picture and you don’t even know it and they can post it on the internet.
“Bullying impacted me so that I was afraid to like make friends. I didn’t feel like I could ever make friends. I was very overweight growing up, I had awful acne (like most teenagers), and I was very closeted for most of the time, so I was very socially awkward. I just could not make friends, or I couldn’t keep friends because I was so desperate for friendship. I would do a lot of very embarrassing stuff that people would tell me, ‘oh yeah if you do this, we’ll be friends.’ And I would do it, but then they wouldn’t be my friend, so it was just, the lowest self-esteem I could imagine. I was told I’d never find a guy who will love me or I’d never find someone who will want to be with me, and I was really believing that. Whenever a guy would approach me, I just pushed him away, because I told myself it wouldn’t work, it wouldn’t last. It was the same with people throughout college, where I had my core group that I was able to open up with because I felt safe with them.
“But, even during the entire time I didn’t have any reason to believe that they weren’t my friend, but my mind would get me to think, they’re probably talking bad about me behind my back, because that happened to me a lot growing up. So it was a repeated cycle of self-sabotage. I like really believed what people were saying, especially with my father. He really had an issue around some of my femininity, because he’s really stuck in those ways and that mindset that what makes a man a man, like masculine, the features, the masculine duties that people do, like knowing stuff about cars knowing how to fix stuff with your hands. I don’t know that stuff. But that’s what my dad perceives as what makes a man. I was into theater, into pop music, and Broadway, and that stuff. So I had a really hard time accepting that part of myself, accepting the femininity, and understanding that gender is very fluid. It’s not like you’re just masculine, or you’re just feminine, or you’re just a boy or a girl. It’s understanding those and accepting your whole self, if that makes sense. I think that’s what really impacted me. I have to say these past two years with therapy have really been my recovery. So I struggled until these past two years, and that’s also when I started getting on anxiety meds.”
Were there low points along the way? Low points where you were isolated and depressed or contemplating suicide?
“Yes to pretty much all. I developed an eating disorder back in 2012. It was mainly around my weight, because I was closing on 200 pounds. It was the heaviest I ever was in my life. It was because I was eating my feelings pretty much. I was so sad, I would eat super late, I would eat the worst foods. I was also in college so I was broke. So there were many reasons that I was eating shitty, but most of it was because I was just not happy. Even realizing you have all these friends, you have grown so much, but it’s that mask, you just can’t re-see it. You still see yourself as that low kid you used to be. I think what happened with the eating disorder was just that I wanted to be in control for once. I felt so out of control. All this shit was happening. I think being able to control the eating gave me some sense of control in my life, even though it was not in a healthy way. I don’t regret the eating disorder, because it was something I needed to control even though it was really hurting me. I think everything happens for a reason. And it’s led me to where I am now. This past year has been my recovery from the eating disorder. These two years have been with therapy and understanding my mind and understanding my PTSD, the depression and anxiety aspects to that. This past year has been really concentrating on having a better relationship with food and understanding my body more.
“I never had a suicide attempt, but I’ve definitely contemplated it. I definitely had a lot of suicide ideation growing up, every day in middle school, and it was mainly around if I were to die, no one would miss me. Now I’m able to realize that a lot of people would miss me, and I’ve made that big change. I still think about it sometimes, like when I’m really experiencing my low phases. It’s a cycle still. But it’s improving, and I’m able to get myself out of that mindset a lot quicker than I used to. Now I’m able to quickly make that change. I’ve developed a lot of coping skills to get out of that mindset. I had a lot of depression growing up, and I was told I had generalized anxiety disorder for the longest time, and that’s what led me to go to therapy, because I realized I don’t just have that.
“There’s something else that crept right up on it. And then I was finally able to realize the PTSD was really affecting me. It’s been something that I’ve been trying to really educate my family about. When people hear PTSD they think of soldiers, and they don’t really think that there are so many other ways you can have PTSD. Mine is really around the bullying. I want to educate people on the fact that there are so many factors in these diagnoses, and it’s not just that one thing that you hear in the news all the time
“It’s the same thing with eating disorders; a lot of times you hear about an eating disorder and you think about females, because it’s so prevalent in like the modeling industry and everything, and it’s always in the news. People don’t really think about males having eating disorders. In this society they think that women care more about their bodies than men do, but that’s totally false. I mean women do, but men are still told that they have to be these jacked, big, strong, masculine jewels, and if you’re—people still discriminate around weight with men just as much as they do with women. That’s where a big part of the eating disorder came in because, although I love the fact that I love my community, I love the LGBT community, I love who I am, but it can be a little bit vain at times. I felt like when I was at my heaviest that people weren’t as—I don’t know how to phrase it—I felt more excluded from the community than where I’m at now. I love the body I have now. I’m really developing a positive relationship with my body, where I’m able to be more comfortable with wearing less clothing, or if I want to be at a beach, but I’ll always be that person I was when I was heavy. It’s just that my body looks different now. There were a lot of factors that went into my recovery and my story.”
You mentioned that sort of the anxiety led you to seek therapy. Was there a low point that you realized, ‘Wait a minute, I can’t continue to live like this? I need to something about this.’
“I sought counseling a little bit in my college, in my senior year. It was offered for free for students at my college. And it helped, but I just didn’t feel that good connection with the therapist, so I was talking with my mom, who I’m very close with, and she told me she would be willing to pay the co-pays for me to go to therapy. There were suicide attempts in my family. (I won’t say who.) So I think my mom was really scared when I was telling her I was feeling very low and very depressed, and I needed help. I didn’t know what to do. All I do is come home, I work, I come home and I hibernate in my room pretty much. I was not socializing. I felt very disconnected from my family, particularly my father. I was just so trapped in my head. I was not on meds at that time. So my anxiety was just through the roof. I’d misplace the littlest of things, like maybe I misplaced my iPod, and it would be a crisis for me. I didn’t want to live like that. I wanted to be able to control myself. And I could not. I failed so many job interviews because I would have a panic attack in the interview. I remember I interviewed for a DCF in Springfield. That was my first job interview out of undergrad and the simplest of questions: ‘What do you know about DCF?’ And I was in my mindset ‘stand up, get up, walk out.’ That was just how my mindset was. I was so anxious and I just could not manage a simple question. This is bad, like I need to change.
“My mom actually found my therapist, who ended up being the best therapist I ever met in my life. He is outstanding, and he’s helped me so much with understanding my own mind and realizing that I am just like everyone else. That was the big thing. I just felt so different, because I felt like no one else knew what I was going through, even though a lot of people go through the same thing. A lot of times when people talk about being trapped in their head and what goes on in their head, people are scared to put it out there. They’ll feel crazy, or they’ll feel like, I don’t know, people might think I’m a little nuts, but it’s normal for people to have those kinds of thoughts and go to those really dark places. Being able to be so open with that with my friends has been so amazing, and understanding that other people have that same experience. So I think that being able to open up to that to my mom and my mom being able to be like, ‘Well, I know you’re struggling with money right now, so I’ll co-pay for therapy,’ that was a big tipping point for me, just having my mom on my side and have someone to back you up.”
Sounds like support plays an important role, would you agree?
“Yeah, and I think just wanting to get better. That was my big breaking point. My weight was also getting really bad. I was also looking at outpatient rehabilitation for eating disorders, and I was looking at a place in Amherst, I forget the name, but that was also a big point because I wanted to get help around my eating disorder. I was like taking in like 1000 calories a day and then I would go to the gym and purposefully burn like 700-plus calories and then I’d go home and ride the stationary bike and then I’d go to bed and you burn calories in your sleep. So I’d wake up in the morning and I’d be in so much pain, to the point where I’d have to be hunched over because it was in my groin area it felt so empty, and I felt a really sharp pain all the time, and I would be scared to even eat a piece of gum. It was just another five calories, I can’t do that. That will make me fat. So it was like, being in that place and just knowing that a lot of my family was getting nervous. It’s like, you don’t look healthy, you look like a rail, pretty much. And I think, just wanting to get better, developing a better nutritional diet, I was able to line up a nutritionist, and I was able to line up a therapist. I ended up not going to the rehabilitation place, because I was able to get that treatment through my therapy. And just my own, resilient self, I guess, I was able to develop that better sense of relationship with food on my own, but also with therapy and friends and everything.”
There are a couple things I want to come back to. You mentioned experiencing panic attacks resulting from your PTSD trauma being bullied. How did you work through panic attacks when they would happen?
“I realized I had panic attacks growing up and didn’t think anything of it, so I was actually just thinking about that recently with my therapist. I thought, ‘Oh my God, I’ve had panic attacks almost like my whole life,’ but I could never put a name to it, so I thought it was me being out of control and weird and all that stuff. When I first realized it was a legit panic attack was recently. Up until a few months ago, they started cutting back, and it was around my break up. We started really going through the trauma narrative in therapy, so I was reliving some of my trauma. So it was a really scary, vulnerable place. There was a time with the body dysmorphia, that I also have on top of my eating disorder, and the mask was lifted like momentarily where I was able to really see myself and see the definition and my body. Normally I would still look at myself and even though all my friends would be like, ‘You’re fit, you’re in shape, you eat healthy. You can treat yourself to ice cream once in a while. You’re not going to gain the weight that quick.’ And I finally reached the place where I was able to see myself in the mirror, and I was like, ‘Oh my God, I’m not who I think I am in my head. This is who I am.’ It was scary and I felt myself go to the back of my brain, and then I had my panic attack because I saw my reflection. I basically have been developing my own coping skills around doing deep breathing in those moments. I also call my friend Rosa, who I’m going to be living with. Sometimes, I just say, ‘I’m having a rough night. Could you please talk to me?’ And she talks to me and she’ll stay on the phone for hours. Or I’ll just call her and be like, ‘I’m having a rough night. I can’t talk about it. Can you just distract me?’ And she’ll just talk about random stuff. Really reaching out for that support has been amazing for me, and then also being able to distract myself in those moments. I’ll listen to music. That’s incredibly therapeutic for me. I love to dance, so I’ll dance. I’ll have my own little dance party of one in my room. Or I’ll just watch TV shows and movies; that’s also been very therapeutic for me. Just trying in that moment to remind myself, you have your support group, you have a lot going for you right now. You’re not the same kid you were years ago where you felt so lost. You really put in the work. Trying to remind myself of all that I’ve accomplished. I think sometimes when you get really low, you just completely forget all the good things in your life. You’re just so focused on the bad. I think that’s been really helping me with the panic attacks and understanding what they are now. That was a big help for me, because I thought, ‘Okay, so that’s what it has been my whole life because I didn’t know what they were and I didn’t know how to control them. I felt so out of control in my body when that happened.’ Also working with the demographic that I worked with, working with that population also helped a lot. I would see my kids I worked with have panic attacks and I’d be able to see my kids also who have PTSD. Just seeing their behaviors and understanding them was making me look within myself when I was a kid and think, ‘Oh my God, I did the exact same thing when I was a kid.’ And understanding where their behaviors are coming from and being able to relate that to myself also and share that with them has been very therapeutic.”
Did you (or do you still) find it difficult to reach out for help when you hit some of those rough patches?
“Not anymore, because I’ve really developed an amazing support group. I know that the people I reach out to are not going to judge me. That’s really the mindset that I’m in now. I used to always worry that they would judge me because of the poor friendships I had growing up. But just knowing that my friends that I reach out to, even aside from my roommates, I mean I’m very grateful to have an amazing group of friends now that I’m not afraid to reach out to. In the past I would not reach out to people, except for my mom. But back then, my mom, just like myself, didn’t know what was wrong with me. We didn’t know what was happening, so my mom tried her best, but she just didn’t know what to say or how to react. But now, my mom asks me questions so she wants to know how to handle it, because there are other relatives in my family who have mental health, mental illness. And also because I’m a social worker now, my mom is always asking questions. But it was very difficult for me in the past, because I really didn’t have many people to reach out to. I did I have my friend Dave, who I have been friends with since sixth grade, but he lived 30 minutes away. So when you were kids, your parents worked, so you couldn’t ask your parents to drive 30 minutes to see my friend. We could only see each other once in a while, like an over-the-phone friendship. And that was enough for me too, just having that companion. You can’t put all your stock in one person. He was my safe place growing up, but we went to different high schools, we went to different middle schools. We didn’t get to hang out as much, so he could only do so much. But now I have a huge network of friends.”
Have you found that sharing who you are and where you’ve been and some of your experiences has created meaningful, deeper connections in your life? It sounds like that may have been what it has cultivated, support . . .
“There was a moment in my senior year in college, when I was home on a break, I was in such a low space—but it was also interesting because though I was still in that low mindset, I had the most friends I’d ever had in my life at that point. And like they were good, healthy friendships so it was interesting look back because I had what I had always wanted. I had a core group—but I was still so low. It wasn’t until I really came back from break and we got all together, that I was able to sit down with them and talk about our break, and I told them I was in a really low place this past break and I was thinking a lot about suicide. And I only said, ‘I don’t think I would ever attempt suicide because I don’t want to not be here. I want to get better.’ But I always had those thoughts in the back of my head, and I felt so vulnerable telling my friends that, and then my friends were like, ‘We’ve been there.’ So that was when I thought, ‘Okay, so I can start telling people a little bit about what goes on in my head and how I really feel,’ because you can put all these happy images of yourself on your social media and you can seem like you have it all together and really deep, deep down you’re like a mess. It was nice to know with those friends that they were really able to relate to me. You can feel that you’re not alone. Two friends I’m going to be living with now are outstanding. We talk openly. We’re freaking nervous as hell about this move to a different state. It’s been great to be able to be more of my authentic self and be more who I really am.”
That takes courage. But it sounds like, by putting yourself out there and sharing who you are and where you’ve been, others are encouraged to do the same. That creates this vibe of authenticity between you and your friends, the people in your life, which I think is such an important space to be in.
“Yeah, my friends are my family. I love my family of blood, but I definitely feel safer with my friends. I think it’s going to be great because they live in Boston. I’m not going to be far from Boston where I’m moving now. So it’s like I’m going to be closer to them. I think building that good, safe place among your friends could open many doors for them. Having that friendship done a lot for me, and I hope it’s done a lot for them too.”
What are some of the things you’ve learned about yourself over the last couple of years and in your recovery?
“I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. A big like wake-up call was this past summer, when I joined the gay men’s volleyball league in Northampton, Dunes Boys. I was so terrified to ever interact with men, especially gay men, because I was so nervous about how to talk to them and how to put myself out there. I didn’t really have much experience interacting with gay men, and I had a very limited amount of gay friends in my life, so it can be scary to walk in on a group of people who have probably been going in to this volleyball for like five, six, or seven years. There were about 45 gay men there and I knew only one person, my friend who got me to join the volleyball team. But I still went every week and pushed myself to go, but I didn’t go the first two weeks because I was terrified. And then my friend was like, ‘You need to freaking go.’
“So I finally went, and it’s been outstanding. It’s been so rewarding, and I’ve met so many great friends. A couple of them are going to help me move tomorrow. So it’s been a really therapeutic big part of my summer and my life, these past three months, and it was what I looked forward to the most every week—just going to play volleyball for three hours, go to the brewery to grab a couple of drinks with people and talk. It’s been amazing because I didn’t really have that outlet to really talk about guys, you know when you get together with a couple of friends and you could just talk about guys. Talk about sex and talk about life in general. You know I have a lot of girlfriends that I love them and I could talk about guys with them, but it’s not the same. It’s been great knowing that I have the confidence that if I want to walk up to a guy and be like, ‘Hey, I’m Cale. How’s your day?’ That kind of stuff. I think how resilient and strong I am, and how I am a likeable person and that I’ll be fine. It’s also great knowing that I always have friends in this area. That was the big thing in the beginning, when I first told my friend I was going to move in with her, I was ready to be like, “Fuck you, Easthampton. I’m done with Western Mass.’ I hate this place because of so many bad memories. Since I’ve been playing volleyball, I’ve been invited to so many parties and gatherings and ‘Hey, I’m going to the mall. You want to come with me?’ I didn’t have that before. I had a couple of friends, my main crew of friends in this area, but they were about three people, and they’ve been my rock for so long. But you can’t rely on the same people all the time because we’re adults. My friends can’t be by my side every second of the day. You have to learn to be by yourself. I can learn to enjoy my ‘me’ time again and that my ‘me’ doesn’t mean I’m lonely. For a long time, I associated being by myself with being lonely and not having friends. I couldn’t be by myself. And the people I’ve made friends with here over the summer at volleyball are still going to be my friends when I’m away. So I think I’m just learning who I am, day by day. And just figuring my life out and knowing I’m going to be okay. I think that’s the main thing I’ve learned.”
What message would you offer to your younger self, say 9 or 12, who’s getting bullied?
“Some of the bullies will eventually message you and apologize. That is what has happened. I think in social work, it really helped me a lot in understanding why people act the way they do when they’re growing up. It taught me so much about my behaviors. Why I acted certain ways to people. I mean, I myself was a bully a little bit growing up too. I had my moments when I was a bully. I never in a million years thought I would be in shape and be physically fit and be confident. That’s what I never thought. I thought I’m just going to be this mess of a person my whole life. And just realizing that you really put in the hard work, which I did—granted, how I lost the weight was not healthy—but I’ve been able to keep my weight these past year and a half. I don’t know how to phrase it. Like basically just don’t give up. Keep pushing. If you really put in the effort you can get what you want. I put in the hard work at the gym and it’s paid off. I’ve put in the hard work in therapy and it’s paid off. I’ve put myself out there by joining clubs in college, by joining volleyball, and putting myself out there with my colleagues at work. I’ve made amazing life-long friendships with people. Just know that middle school and high school is only a portion of life. It sucks. It’s a long eight years, but that’s all it is . . . eight years. It’s a long time, but it’s not your whole life, and that’s why I went to college. Not the ones in this area.
“I went to the ones in North Adams because I wanted to get away, and that was the best decision I ever made. There was no one from my middle school or high school there. It was a fresh clean slate, and it was the most accepting college campus I could ever imagine. And it was the Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts, so I do want to give them a plug. It’s the most accepting student body I’ve ever met in my life. They were amazing. It gets better. I mean that’s pretty much what it is. It’s one of our Trevor Projects Slogans, but it’s true. This one quote I saw perfectly resonates with me: ‘A bad day is not a bad life.’ So don’t let those eight years, as shitty as they were, define your entire life the way I did. I lived in the past for so long. I could not escape the past. And now when I finally, you know see people from my middle school and high school, Now I can walk up to them and be like, ‘Hey, how are you? Hope everything has been well,’ whereas before, I would dodge them. Easthampton is a very small community, so you can’t really dodge people. But I did it for so long. I didn’t interact with anyone because I didn’t want them to see how low I still was. People will eventually realize who you really are. Because the people, my bullies growing up probably had their own troubles. I wasn’t able to realize that back then, back in the day. I just thought they were assholes. Some of them are just assholes, but everyone has their struggles, and sometimes people just don’t know how to express themselves in a healthy way. It will all work out in the end. That’s pretty much it.”
It sounds like being uncomfortable is part of the process. You mentioned being sort of nervous about joining the volleyball league, and even going to therapy and being willing to confront things you know were painful Would you say that has been part of the process, sort of having to move through what’s uncomfortable?
“Totally. I lost out on a lot of opportunities in college because of my anxiety. I’ve always been a theater kid, I’ve always loved theater. I’ve always loved music, I just love everything about it, but I didn’t allow myself to do it in college. That is one thing I wish I did, because it’s an amazing outlet for me. And ever since I graduated I really wanted to push myself to put myself out there more, to go to more clubs and dance and not care if people see you. Or go out to join this volleyball league and make friends. So it’s putting myself in those positions that make me uncomfortable and make me like me feel vulnerable, as scary as they are, that has really led me to more happiness. I went to Bloke a couple of days before I joined volleyball and I went, you know, I didn’t ‘pregame’ before, you know, I didn’t have my liquid courage before I went to Bloke. I went in totally sober and I immediately thought, ‘It’s bad.’ I went up to the bar, grabbed a drink, and went out to the porch. I had to do deep breathing because it was so scary for me to be there. And thankfully one of my volleyball friends was there, and he walked right up to me and said, ‘Are you okay?’ I said, ‘I just need to calm down. This is huge for me to be going here.’ But I met a couple of guys I eventually saw at volleyball, so it was nice having other people I knew briefly. That’s a perfect example for me. I wouldn’t have met those other guys before I went to volleyball, and I wouldn’t have been able to notice that I can put myself out there and can make more friends, and some guys might be attracted to me. There are some guys talking to me that night, and it felt nice to be noticed. So really just putting myself in those situations. It took a couple of weeks into volleyball, but eventually I was walking up to guys I didn’t know and introducing myself, ‘Hey, I’m Cale. I’m on your team today. How are you?’ Just like knowing now that sometimes you have to make yourself feel vulnerable, as scary as it is. It will lead to better things.”
Vulnerability is huge. It’s something we are often very afraid of because we think being vulnerable means you’re going to be hurt, you’re going to be susceptible to people taking advantage of you, or it somehow means you are weak; but I think being vulnerable gives other people the opportunity to also be vulnerable, and then go to those parties and be open and willing to receive beautiful things.
“I realized that I thought, when I was younger, that being vulnerable meant you are weak, when being vulnerable means you are strong, because you are putting yourself out there. And you’re putting yourself out there to what may come your way. You might get hurt along the way. You might end up finding better things. It’s just scary because it’s the unknown. When you put yourself out there, you don’t know what’s going to happen. And thankfully I would say for the most part, I had a lot of great experiences these past couple of months and this past year by putting myself out there more. In my senior year of college, my group of about ten friends knew how much I loved to dance, and they went to my audition to join, it was a club on my college campus called Dance Company, and you had to perform on a stage. I hadn’t performed on a stage in almost four years, because I was too afraid to. So like all the other people that auditioned for the club, everyone would be accepted, so you just had to go to the audition. And no one else had this big group of people cheering them on. I was approached right after the audition by two girls who said, ‘We want you in our piece.’ And it was ballet and I’d never done ballet and I was super nervous because that’s like the most intense form of dancing. How am I going to do that? And I ended up doing it. It was terrifying, and I almost cried before going on stage because one of my close friends, Michaela, who was in Dance Company with me, was in one of my dances; and just being able to share that with her and her encouraging me the entire time, saying, ‘Don’t give up, don’t give up. You got this.’ I’d never thought I’d ever be on a stage again. And it felt really good. The same group of people who supported me at the audition was there in the crowd too. It led to great things. I’m still nervous on stage, but I’m less nervous now. And I think also with my job that I just ended with the CH New Hampshire Continuum, I had to speak openly in large meetings, and I had to interact with all different kinds of youth and families. Just being able to believe in your abilities to help these kids taught me confidence. And me being more assertive and not being a doormat. I was a doormat growing up. It was being able to realize your worth. I think that’s been huge.”
Would you say that your past has inspired your future? You mention that your social worker was that. Did that inspire you?
“Definitely. I was a sociology major in college and I signed up for a random social work class because I had to fill credits. Within the first day, I realized this is what I need to do. Because I was able to look at myself and see that I was the scapegoat in my family. I was able to really look at my past and put some pieces together. I was finishing the puzzle. And it definitely led me to my current career. After my freshman year, my mom and my middle sister picked me up from school, and they told me that one of my family members attempted suicide. Thankfully, she was found. So she was still alive. I think that was another big wake-up call for me, knowing that I wanted to help people, because it was someone in my own family. I was about eighteen at that point, and I never would’ve thought she was incredibly depressed and feeling alone. So it was just by knowing that, and then by doing my own classes in social work, that I was able to realize that this is what I should be doing.”
Has there been piece of advice or quote or a song lyric that resonated with you that you would like to share?
Beside the ‘it’s just a bad day not a bad life,’ there are so many quotes I love. But that was one that has really resonated with me, because I felt like that’s what I focused on a lot growing up. Just trying to explain to yourself, it’s just a bad day, you’ll have a fresh start tomorrow. That was a big thing for me. There are a couple of artists out there that like Sia, Demi Lovato, who speak very openly about mental health. I think that because I’m so in tuned with music, when those artists make songs that clearly come from personal places for them, you can listen to the music and it could be your own little story too. You could take it into your own. So I don’t have specific lyrics off the top of my head right now, but I know a lot of the music from those artists has really helped me.”
What inspired you to connect with me to do this interview today?
“We have a mutual friend, and he told me about your project. I looked into your project on Facebook, and I really enjoyed the work you did. I reached out to my friend and was like, ‘Is it okay if I reach out to him?’ It’s nice to know, by reading through all your stories and reading through all the work you do, that someone understands, like your story, or could understand your story. You didn’t know my story at that time, but knowing there is someone out there doing good work and bringing more awareness to a population that needs so much more resources. I feel like, with mental health and mental illness, there are so many people out there that are so lost. They need a lot more resources. I really enjoyed the work you did, and my friend spoke great about you, so I think that led me to be less nervous to message and be like, ‘You don’t know me, but can we meet up sometime and share our stories?’ Having someone you can talk to that can understand your story was the biggest selling point for me. It just felt less random than messaging you, even like knowing a mutual friend.”
Sounds like you sensed a capacity for empathy. You feel comfortable?
“Yeah, because when you meet someone for the first time, telling your story is vulnerable. You don’t know how the person is going to react, but the fact that you work in the field made me think there’s a pretty good chance he’s not going to be a judge-y person. I would hope if you’re in the mental health field you’re not judge-y. So just knowing you’re in the same field was a big point, it was more of a secure place.”
And how has it felt to share these thoughts, feelings, and experiences?
“I’m so much more open about it now. So it’s just part of my story. It’s part of my past, and I’ve accepted it. This wasn’t scary at all. It felt personal, and I like that personal connection. And I mean, I’ve shared my story with all my kids, with my friends, and with my therapist, so I think it’s lost a good deal of vulnerability, and in a good way. It’s just me talking about my life, instead of before—when I would first tell my story to people I would shake. I would shake and I’d be so nervous, my heart would be racing. But it’s been a good experience.”
Do you think it’s possible that sharing your story might potentially inspire or bring hope to someone else out there who can relate?
“I would hope so. I think with social media platform that there is today, there are good benefits, but also, as I mentioned earlier, it could lead to you know people getting bullied. I think it’s therapeutic for me to put it out there. But I would hope that if someone were to read it, maybe they would feel more of a desire to put their story out there. It just helps to know you’re not alone. I know that my sharing some of my story with my clients has really helped them develop a trust with me. A lot of my kids have reactive attachment disorder, and a lot them have their own trauma, so opening themselves up to trust a total stranger (which is what I was when I first joined their case) is hard at first; but by using my peer mentor role and my outreach worker role and developing the healthy sense of boundaries, I was able to share parts of my story with them, so they were able to realize that may not be my provider but he’s been through similar things that I’ve been through. We all have our own stories, and that’s how I would always phrase it to them: I have my story and you have your story, I could never take your story away from you. But I can relate to certain aspects of it. I had a couple of kids with PTSD and told them I have PTSD too. And just encouraging them and motivating them to be like, don’t let your diagnosis define your whole existence. I’m not just Cale with PTSD, I have so much more about me. And you know, I went to college, I graduated with honors, I have my degree, I have my job, I’m getting my first apartment; so it’s being able to tell them there is so much more to life than your diagnosis. It doesn’t define you. It doesn’t mean you’re disabled. Sometimes, when they hear ‘disability,’ they think you’re handicapped, so I say, ‘No, you’re not.’ So I hope that I am able to reach out to kids, and that this is a different platform, so I think I would have the same outcome.”
