What has been one of the most challenging things youâve experienced or are currently experiencing?
âThe molestation of my son when he was 11 years old; I miss him being a part of my life. It was tearing me apart, spiritually within, and I started using drugs even harder. Because there was so much other stuff that I was going through, but that was the bottom that drew me deeper and deeper into hell. The thought of someone having sex with my son and I couldnât stop itâit was mind boggling. It was all I could ever think of and I would smoke, smoke, and smoke to stay up because I was afraid to go to sleep. That was the most destructive thing in my life, and heâs not in my life now. I used to try to talk to him about it, but he still says that it didnât happen, so I leave it alone. Heâs grown now. He liked the man and liked what he was doing to him. Thatâs his journey. Thatâs his purpose. For a long time, I blamed myself because I wasnât there. He was the child I protected. When he was a baby, I always felt somebody was going to do something to him. I always had him with me because I always felt somebody was going to hurt him. I donât know why I had that feeling. I carried him forever. People would say, âWhen you going to put that boy down and let him walk?â I protected him, not knowing why.
âWhen it happened, I went to the school because I was so depressed I couldnât work. Being on the State, with food stamps and all of that stuff, I was embarrassed because I was raised that you donât get on relief, you donât get on the State, you work for what you get. If thereâs something you want and you canât afford it, itâs not meant for you to have; thatâs how I was raised. Be independent and self-sufficient. After I got hurt on the job, I came here and ended up on the State with my children. I was so tired of getting a check twice a month up here. I just wanted to get a job, but people up here would say, âGirl, you want to get a job?â When I called DCF when what happened with my son, they said, âYou must be crazy. Youâre going to get your check cut,â and I said, âMy check? I donât care about the check.â I wanted to help my son and I wanted to get a job. Knowing what my son was going through, I brought him to Clifford Beers; I went right on the bicycle to Clifford Beers. I feel like I put money in front of my son by getting a job and nobody would help me.
âI was getting ready to go to workâI went to school, and the lady who watched Musadi would come there. I went to school on the Boulevard at night, and I came home one night and they had been there. He had had sex with Musadi and he had sex with Leanne, and he was really, really upset because the man gave Pam his money, and she was going give him $20, and he said she didnât give him his $20 and he wanted his $20. I thought they just sold my son. I was just so afraidâI could have called the police and told on her. Fear is something. Fear is something, you know. I just miss him.â
âShe was a lady who lived on Beer Street. She was a dealer. I didnât know she was into that, her and her husband. Then I found out that they called her husband âBlack,â his real name was John, and it turned out that he was the one. I blamed myself for years. I trusted people, but I learned that you have to be careful; sometimes, nice people are perverts. The nicest people to you and you trust them with your child. Thatâs why you have to be careful, but then they put so much fear in the child and thatâs why it took him so long to tell me. They put fear in my son and told him that if he told anyone, they were going to kill his whole family (mother, sister, niece, brother). They said, âIâll kill your whole family.â Thatâs why he didnât tell and held it in for so long; fear that he would hurt us. But I didnât believe he was going to hurt us because I was so close to Almighty, I knew that he lived inside of me; heâs not a person that lived in me, but the spirit that was in me. Even though fear was there, the doubt just didnât go off. Are you going to be smoking crack all of your life? If you donât stop smoking crack, youâre going to die. Wow! This is taking me so many places.â
At this point, youâre sharing that youâre not making enough money through the support of the State to support your child, so youâre going to school, or youâre working, which is taking you away from him?
âI was going to school and was getting ready to get a job working with an agency on Sherman Avenue. It was too much stress on me and I wanted to go to a program. I had called DCF, but they didnât help me get into a program; they just left me. I sent my son down South to his grandfather and his father and Talama got an apartment for her and Annetta. James went at first because his father came and got him.â
Those are your other children?
âYes. James is my oldest son. His grandmother brought his father up here and they took him South. Musadiâs father is from the South too, but he was never in his life. He would be in his life when nobody was around. It used to bother him because one day he asked me, âWhen people are around, why does my daddy act like he doesnât know me?â But, when he went to the park by where we lived, right across from my back door, Stacey would come and teach him how to box, but he doesnât say anything to me when people are around, because he was married. He wanted me to name him one thing, but I wanted to name him Clive, a strong name, because he was my last son. He said he wanted me to name him Jamar Musadi, and I told him, âNope. This is my last child, and Iâm going to name him a family name.â He said, âIf you name my son Clive, Iâm never going to own him,â and he never did. Thatâs what Musadi was looking forâa father. He knew his mother loved him. I always just wanted a man role, but I always made wrong choices. I felt like I neglected him. I wanted a better life, thatâs how I was raised. Even now, Iâm happy and feel good, I have medical coverage and stuff. Plus I worked so hard, and I liked what I did. I have lots of skills. I paid the Federal and the State. All that money that they gave me, I want to give back. I just want to be able to look at what happened with my children. Iâm realizing now that I had nothing to do with it. Iâm at the point now that I donât blame myself because one day he told me that wasnât the first time that happened. He told me that when we lived down South, somebody molested him there too. He never told me who it was, and I always wondered. Wow. When we moved up here, he was in the third grade; it was already happening.â
When did you find out that it was happening? How did you find out?
âHe was eleven. I would get so angry. I knew something was wrong because he would go outside, he would go outside, and then go back and forth, back and forth to the bathroom, making pooh all the time. I would smell it and was wondering why would it be smelling like that. I had a friend named Willie, and we were real tight; he was gay and worked for the bank. We were real good friends. Being that I got to know him, it was helping me a little bit, out there in the front because I couldnât change my son. Trying to find acceptanceâthatâs his life. Sometimes I wanted to know more about it so him and his friend would come over. They would do their thing, thatâs how I found out what the smell was. I would be getting high and they would be on the other side of the room, walking around the house, and thatâs how I got used to the smell. And then Musadi would be in the house, and I would say âWillieâs not here.â Ask me something else.â
Through your relationship with your friend, Willie, you were able to recognize some of the signs that your son was engaging in some of the behavior.
âYes. The person who lived down the street would come home and would have cakes, he always liked cakes. Thatâs how he got him, he would always buy him cakes, and then he would come in the house and I would ask him where he got the cake from, and he would tell me that somebody bought it for him, and I would tell him, âI told you about taking stuff from people. We have stuff here,â and he would say, âI like this.â Thatâs how he lured him.
âWhen we moved up here and, like I said, I wasnât working and it was always me and Musadi. When I did start using drugs, my son didnât get the attention that he always got from me. He wasnât getting it anymore, and I know my baby was kind of lost. He wasnât getting it anymore, and somebody else got his attention. I donât know how that happened down South because he was always with me. He didnât go to a babysitter when we were down South. Itâs something Iâm going to figure out. When we moved up here, our whole lives changed. I already had a bunch of anger with me; a family had stolen our inheritance. I already had a bunch of anger in me. I got so cold. I really had lost me.â
Had you already been using drugs when you moved here?
âNot really; but when I got hurt, the doctor was helping me. Someone came to my house and I was in so much pain, my head was busted, they would give me Xanax and all that stuff. I was sleeping all the time, and someone said, âTry this.â I knew that cocaine was for pain. I learned that in high school. One of my friendâs parents were doctors, and I knew that they used it for pain. To me, cocaine was a good thing. I remember when I was in high school, I would get powder and I would take four blows, three times a day, so that I could cook, lift pots and stuff, go wash clothes and take the boys to the park. It would numb the pain, but then when I got up here, I didnât trust people and didnât want to get high with people, so I had a friend of mine come up here and we tried the freebase. I wanted to help people, but how can you help somebody when you know nothing about it? He came up here and I got high for seven days, and we got some crack. I was going to quit after seven days, but that doesnât work. Then I learned that the pain goes away really quick with crack.
âWhenever I would go to a program, come back and be clean, all that excruciating pain would come back. I never was into pain-killers so I would go back to smoking crack. I got so far out there, not knowing who the person was doing it to my son. I wanted to kill everybody, I really did. Every time he would tell me somebody, and then he would say itâs not them. There was one guy, he was working, and he would always come by on Thursday, and Musadi said that it was him. My plan was, he would come over on Thursday and he always put a big lug on his pipe, he would stand up, and he would be outside of himself, his spirit wouldnât even be in his body. So, that day, I was planning on him taking a big hit and my boys had a bat behind the door. My goal was when he took that big giant hit, Iâd snatch the bat, hit his knees, and when he was down on his knees, I would beat him in the head. I had planned that out. When he grabbed his head and fell on the floor, I would beat his dick up. Thatâs how angry I was.
âHowever, that night I got set up. Somebody called. I wasnât supposed to be going anywhere that night. A girl came to my house. I had told her not to come to my house at night, as I was meditating and I didnât want to see anybody. She came with a guy, and she knew I didnât play that, I didnât want anybody bringing strangers to my house, and then she wanted a beer, but she didnât want to go down to the after-hours spot. She was always prostituting and I didnât prostitute back then, I hadnât gotten to that point. She said she wanted a beer, wanted something to drink. I told her that I wasnât going to the after-hours spot because I had my pajamas on. Then the guy asked me for $20, and I told him I didnât want to smoke that night. You can get two for me and she said, âCome on, Mom,â and I told her not to come to my house. And then after I was putting my coat on over my pajamas, a thought hit me, wear a coat, because I knew that something was going to happen. I put on a leather coat with fur around the collar; I had never worn that coat in New Haven and I wore that particular coat to the after-hours spot. When I was walking down Edgewood Avenue, I saw a police car in front of me, with the lights blinking. I was thinking that I didnât do anything and I walked past them. I would always say hi, and they never bothered me. When I walked past him, he snatched me and threw me on the car, on the back door. I knew I hadnât done anything so I elbowed him and asked why he was doing this to me and he told me to get in the car. I thought to myself that something must have gone wrong, maybe heâs protecting me. I got in the car and he asked what my name was.
âI remembered that my boyfriend used to go to Stop & Shop a lot and would come home with lots of meats, and I wondered how he was getting all this meat. He made me go with him one day, and he was throwing all this meat in the buggy. I asked him how he was getting all of that and he told me not to worry about it. I got mad because he was always bringing it home and the boys and I wouldnât eat it. I was pissed off in that store, but if I left, he would beat me up. I was walking around the store, thinking that my boys needed batteries for their cars. I had no money and I donât know what possessed me to get them some batteries and popcorn. I said to myself âIâm getting out of here,â and, as I was getting out of the store, the security guard came up to me and said, âExcuse me, Miss, will you come upstairs?â When he took me upstairs, there was JJ; he had stolen all of those meats. The lady said to me that she could tell that I didnât know how to steal because I was right in the camera. She asked me what I had and I said that I took some batteries for my boys and some popcorn. Thatâs exactly what I had in my pocketbook. I said that I was really sorry, but she had already called the police. She said that she could see that I was getting things for my boys. Then they came and I started freaking out because I was in Stop & Shop and all the people were at the cash registers. The police came, put me in handcuffs, took me to jail with JJ, and then they let me go and gave me a Promise to Appear. I asked them how I was going to get home and they told me to tell the Boss Man that I was coming from jail and heâd take me home. I had never done anything like this before.
âWhen JJ was up there, they asked him what his name was and he said Henry Birch, which was my fatherâs name and he was deceased. I couldnât believe he said that and then he looked at me with that mean face and I knew that I couldnât say anything. I was released with a Promise to Appear. When the day came that I had to go to court, JJ asked me where I was going and I told him that I had to go to court because I have a Promise to Appear and, if I donât do, theyâll have a warrant on me. He said, âOh, you donât need to go to court.â I said, âWhat? Theyâll put a warrant on me and Iâll go to jail, you know that much.â He said, âJust ignore that. You did nothing before and youâre never going to do anything.â So I didnât go. So, that night, when the girl wanted me to go get her something to drink and the police put me in their car and said, âWhatâs your name?â I remembered that JJ wouldnât let me go to court. He would have beat me up, he wouldnât let me go anywhere. I said my name was Charlotte Birch. When the police looked it up, there was nothing under Charlotte Birch, and he told me that I could go. When I was just about to go, he opened the door to let me out, the thing must have made a sound, he got back in the car and said, âYour name isnât Delores Birch, itâs Charlotte Birch.â I didnât really like that name so I didnât use Delores up here. He said that he had to take me downtown, and I had my pajamas on. I asked him why he had to take me downtown and they ended up taking me to Niantic. I cried for three days because my kids didnât have meâI was always home. The lady got Musadi again. This is taking me so many places. I guess it is what it is.
âWhen you have to look at something face to face, for what it really is, there might be pain behind it, but itâs understanding I canât change it. I wouldnât tell the lady what was going on while I was in jail because I was so worried that they were going to get my son. My blood pressure was going up and they put me in the infirmary because my blood pressure was so high they thought I could have had a stroke. I saw a counselor lady and I was crying and crying in her office, and she told me that I have to tell somebody whatâs going on because I could have a stroke because my blood pressure was up to 200 already. I told her what was happening with my son and that he was eleven years old. She said âMiss, youâre not the only one. I donât know what it is, but thatâs the age; it didnât just happen to you.â She said that was the age that they get ahold of kids, that she believed me, and that she was glad that I shared it with her. After I shared it with her, I realized that I had to stop this crying. She told me that I was going to get out and would go to court on Monday; she didnât know why I was sent there and said that I shouldnât have been sent there, that I didnât belong there. I went to court on Monday, the judge got mad and he wouldnât see anybody else, and I was told that I had to go back to Niantic. I was crying and crying again. Eventually, it hit me âwhy are you crying so much?â You know you didnât get sentenced, youâre not supposed to be here. They werenât supposed to send me to Niantic. When the judge found out I was there for nineteen days, he was pissed. I wasnât supposed to be in New Haven because the warrant was from Hamden. New Haven shouldnât have done anything. If anything, when the warrant came up, they were supposed to call Hamden, but they took me.
âWhatever was happening, kept happening with my son. Like I said, my daughter knew the stuff. I think I forgave her, but I tried to get her to say it and she acted like this was nothing. I just donât trust her anymore because she was a part of what was happening to Musadi. Theyâre real close. Theyâre real close.â
Were they both being molested?
âNo, Joselyn wasnât being molested. She never said anything to him, but said that she didnât like him. I would go into the 4 Câs on Grand Avenue and sometimes I would take my granddaughter with me. Thatâs when I found out that Jocelyn wanted to get her own apartment, and she never did anything for her daughter. Her daughter couldnât hug or touch her, nothing. She told me that she was going to get her own apartment; she said that when she turned twenty, people would say, âyouâre twenty years old and still at your motherâs? You can get your own apartment; you got a little girl.â That put juice in my daughterâs mind. I told my daughter that she could get her own apartment, but she couldnât take Annetta with her. I told her that she didnât do anything for her little girl and that she isnât going to let anybody do anything to my granddaughter. Youâre just not going to do it. I told her counselor that she was trying to get her own apartment and asked her to help get her an apartment at the Y for young mothers so they can bond with their kids. To this day, Jocelyn thinks she left home on her own, but me and her counselor worked something out, and then she got her own apartment. I get lost and stuff.â
It sounds like thereâs a significant age difference between Musadi and Jocelyn.
âYes. Jocelyn and James â thereâs nine years, and James is two years older than Jubari. So, itâs eleven years.â
So, youâre in and out of Niantic prison at this time. It sounds like she had gotten her apartment.
âShe had gotten her apartment, then she wanted to come back home, and I told her ânope, youâre not coming back home, youâre going to bond with your daughter because she calls me mommy ⊠you canât come back.â She was a little sassy and stuff anyway. One day I had gone to the 4 Câs and Annetta wanted to come with me. I had gotten a thought ⊠JJâs here so you stay here with JJ. She stayed there at the house with JJ and when I came back from the 4 Câs, my magazines that I had on the table were all torn up, every page was torn up, like she was sitting down, tearing all the pages, all over the living room floor, you could barely see the carpet. The pages were torn and thrown everywhere. I asked her if she was by herself and asked where JJ was, and she said âmommy was hereâ and I said, âYour mother was here; she doesnât even like JJ.â She said, âYes, she was in the room with JJ.â I said, âGet outta here.â I asked her what they were doing and she said that she was in the room talking with JJ. I said, âOh, Annetta, your mother doesnât even like JJ, why would she be talking to him?â Then it dawned on me, she was only 2Âœ years old. I smiled at her, asked what they were saying and she said mommy was saying ow, ow and JJ was saying aah, aah. I asked her where she was sitting and she picked up her little chair, put it right in front of my bedroom door and sat in it. I said to myself this little girl is not lying.
âAbout two days later, I mentioned what Annetta had told me to Jocelyn. I was washing dishes, she back handed Annetta so hard that Annetta flew in the air, landed on her legs at the sink and then she jumped up, ran to her mother, and was crying, crying, crying. Annetta never told me the truth again; she lied all the time, and she doesnât remember. She wonders why her mother acts like that because they have her thinking itâs me. I talked to Jocelyn about JJ and told her that I donât want him. I wondered why he kept coming back here after he was locked up after beating me up, and now I know why; it ainât for me, itâs for you. She just looked at me and I said, âwell, what comes around goes around. You have a little girl right there too, you know â it could come right back to you like that.â Annetta is something, but itâs okay because thatâs how her mother does; Annetta doesnât remember. Jocelyn makes her think itâs me because she loves me, and she just couldnât figure out what was going on between me and her mother. Before she had the twins, she wanted to get us back together and said that she would take us out to dinner and said that we were going to talk. I told her, âhoney, thereâs nothing you can do, and itâs not me; Iâll tell you one thing â itâs not me.â I can forgive what happened; what happened happened, and thatâs it. She doesnât remember what happened. If it wasnât for her, I would have never known that.
JJ used to always tell me that Jocelyn doesnât love me. Sheâs going to hurt real bad one day, he used to say that all the time. I never put two and two together and then I started having dreams of them together. I would tell JJ that I dreamed of him and Jocelyn, and then I would get beat up because I dreamt it. He would beat me up big time for saying that, but it happened.â
Where is your son in all of this?
âMusadi? He was there. Whenever Jocelyn was in the bedroom with JJ, the man with the money would be in the room with Musadi. Jocelyn knew it all the time, she knew all the time. JJ would be with JocelynâIt was a cult thing. Jocelyn was there; I donât know if she knew what they were doing. Whatever they call it ⊠rituals? Yes, rituals because Musadi explained to me how they do it. Then again, she could have been right there doing the rituals, I donât know, but it doesnât matter. I do love her unconditionally and thatâs on her path, but I miss my son and she allowed all this to be happening, and I did so much for her. I stopped my life for her. I couldnât work anymore. I kept her daughter for her so she could go back to school. I couldnât even pick her up because I couldnât lift anything over five pounds. Jocelyn went to school and I wondered how I was going to do this; how could I bathe this little girl. I would put the pad thing on the bed and would do it real easy because I couldnât use any muscles. I would rub around her and would give her oil baths. She was in a towel and I would turn her over by taking her little arms; Annetta was my weights to exercise and made my legs stronger. She loved music when she was an infant. I would put her between my legs, hold her hands and then I would do like this ⊠I was exercising. I would stand up and I would dance with her. She loves to dance now. God blessed Annetta to be my weights because they thought I was never going walk again, never do anything; I would be bedridden forever.â
What happened to you to be in that condition?
âAt the housing department, like I said, they tried everything to do me in. When I had the burning truck, they cut my brakes, and the brakes went out. We were hauling dirt one day at a dumpsite where it was real deep and you could see the tops of the trees. It was muddy that day and Dennis told me to âcome on back, come on back,â but I wouldnât watch him, I would watch my back tires. That day he said there was a woman at the dumpsite that was so deep that when she lifted her bed up, the truck fell down in the dump thing and she died. So, I always watched him because I could never trust him because he always got hurt when I worked with him. I didnât like working with him. I had an old truck and the tailgate would fall off and there was a chain on one side so it wouldnât fall all the way on the ground, but one side would fall off.
âThis particular day it was muddy and, when I lifted my bed up, I didnât go all the way back, even though Dennis was saying, âCome on back, come on back.â I said âshut upâ and just threw my thing up and went back really slow. When it got all the way up, the mud got stuck in the bed so the thing flipped, but when the mud fell, it didnât fall all the way down; it fell in the ditch. So when it fell out of the truck slowly, it fell right here so, therefore, the tires couldnât go anywhere. If it hadnât, my truck would have flipped over; my truck went way up in the air, and he was laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing, and said âjust jumpâ and I was way up there and he was down there. I said âno that I wasnât going to jump because my shirt might get caught on that thing; Iâm not jumping downâ. When I said that I wasnât jumping down there, all of a sudden the front of the truck just came down to the ground and I got out. Dennis said that he didnât know why women worked out here anyway and then he told me that I had to help him put the tailgate back up. I told him that I couldnât lift the heavy tailgate of that old truck; but, then I thought about what my foreman had said. He said that you shouldnât say what youâre not going to do because theyâll never hire any more women; what you do is pretend that youâre doing it, and then say that itâs too heavy, you canât do it. So, that particular day, I made motions, and I had the side with the chains and was lifting like this here, but wouldnât take my eyes off of Dennis. So, I was looking at Dennis and it was getting really heavy, so I looked real quick to see how much chain I had left and, when I did like that, he just let his end go and it whiplashed me. He was just laughing, laughing, laughing. The whole tailgate shifted on me. When it happened, I flexed like this, but I didnât know if I was standing because I couldnât feel my legs. I didnât know if I was standing or my legs were broke, and it was up to here. I stood there for a while, took some breaths, and I just looked down (I didnât want to bend yet). I looked down and saw my boots on the ground. My feet had gone into the mud. Now, if it hadnât been muddy that day, I would have broken my back; the mud had become a cushion. He put it back on there and I went and told the foreman what Dennis had done and he asked me if I wanted to go home. I said that I didnât, that Iâd be okay, and I took it easy that day.
âAfter work that day, I went to the laundromat and, when I finished drying, all of a sudden, all in here just locked up and I couldnât walk. I wondered what happened and then I had a spasm from the weight of the tailgate. I drove myself to the hospital and they gave me something for muscle spasms. Then it got worse and worse ⊠my neck, everything, my shoulders, I couldnât do anything, I couldnât walk. It just locked up in the nighttime. When I did go to the doctors, nobody would help me. Everybody was saying that I was really, really hurt, but they worked for The State and didnât want to lose their job. I went to lawyers to try to help me, and nobody would help me. My husband had passed and I went down South with my oldest son. People from the Highway Department saw me, and they couldnât believe it. They said that I would never walk again, but God helped me.
âI had gotten a lawyer, Mr. Dewitt. I was hurting so bad and I had driven all the way to Cheraw. I was crying and had to lay down. Cheraw was a good distance from Dillon. It was a black man too. He sat up in his chair and said, âYou worked for the Highway Department? And, how many children do you have? Youâre going to win this thing.â I figured he was really going to help me. I went to go see him and the day the hearing was supposed to be, he called after I took my medicine, around 11:00 at night, and I was out. I had no phone at that time so I had to walk all the way to Lennonâs house and I answered the phone, he apologized for calling so late at night, but said that he was calling to let me know that the hearing for tomorrow had been cancelled. I was kind of glad because I was so drowsy. The next thing I know I had lost the case. I got a letter stating that I lost the case because I wasnât there for the hearing. They had cut off my workerâs compensation and everything. They were really doing it to me, but he tricked me. He got that money and he told me that the hearing was cancelled.
âThere was a lot of depression because I was played in so many different ways that I turned to crack to relieve the pain, but I got the Wellness and stuff; it has helped me so much. Iâm so glad that I didnât go to opiates because I would probably still be on opiates. Being that I met with Wellnessâitâs really helping me fantastically. The stress with my son doesnât bother me as much, but heâs just not in my life, although I havenât stopped loving him. I know theyâre still controlling him. They do, and I donât even get into it with him, especially when he told me that day, âMom, theyâre never going to stop, theyâre never going to stop, because they donât want you to win.â Sometimes I feel the way he is towards me is because of the man. He would tell me things sometimes, it would be just me and him in the house, and he would tell me different things and explain. Then, one day he came in and told me that he couldnât tell me anything anymore because he said âhe knows everything I tell you and he gets really mad.â So, he stopped telling me anything. I donât know if the cult thing still got him or what because he changes up so much. I do know that cult stuff can happen. Through him, my son, especially he explained all the things they do ⊠get in the mirror and call the demons; afterwards, they even had him snorting coke, and that was enough. Deep inside, I feel thatâs the reason why. I still canât believe it was him doing that that day, going to my crotch. It donât be him. Like that lady, that teacherâs wife ⊠she said that somethingâs different in my son because the voice that was coming out of him in the kitchen, while he was tearing everything up, was definitely not my son.â
That was a lady who was fostering him?
You had been telling me before we started the interview, about the hand up your leg. This was your son you were talking about? You were sitting on the couch or lying down?
âI was laying down on my daughterâs bed and he came over, we were talking, and the TV was on. I was laying on my stomach and he put his hand on my leg (and I was thinking âthis is my son â that was a love touchâ). I was laying there, I guess I fell asleep, and I was thinking âwhat is he doing â how far is he going to go?â and I knew how the thing was controlling him. I knew that was not my son doing something like that. Not to startle him, I stretched and yawned. I flew downstairs to tell Joselyn what Musadi just did, and she said âoh, mom, no he didnât.â Thatâs when I realized she was in on this and thought, âwhat do they do?ââ
Did you have a conversation with Musadi about what was happening to him?
âYes, we did conversate, but he didnât say anything. Matter of fact, he told me in the beginning itâs more like that didnât happen. So to say what was happening, he donât go there. To keep from arguing, I stopped talking about it.â
But when he was young, you mentioned something about having him write with a crayon?
âYes. I had him write with a pencil about what was going on in his life and thatâs when he told me that he feels like heâs in a cage, his heart is outside of the cage, heâs trying to reach to get his heart, and he canât reach it. Itâs something to wonder about. I donât know much about cult stuff, but the little bit that my son shared with me. I told him that weâre going to the police department and theyâre going to show you a book with some pictures in it, and he said Iâm not going to show the picture. I told him that they would be looking for expressions that would let them know thatâs the person. When I said that, my son got up, punched the kitchen wall, and made a hole it in. He said âI like him and I like what he doesâ. Thatâs when I decided he needed a check-up and I called DCF. I took him to the hospital and, when the people came out and told me what he said, I said that I canât handle this anymore, call DCF and tell them to come get my son. When I went home, I started sweeping and cleaning up and, the next thing you know, I saw the police car pull up in front of my house. I told them the truth, this is my life, and I canât handle it anymore. They knocked on the door, and I told them that it was open and to come on in. There was a man and a lady. They said, âumm âŠâ I said âyeah, I know my son, you donât know what Iâm going through and I canât handle this anymore on my own; I just canât do it anymore, call DCF and thatâs what you need to doâI need help for my son.â Both of them just stood there and didnât say anything. I let them know what I was going through and no one wanted to help me. I said that I was helping my child. They said, âOkay, Miss,â and they just got in their car and left.
âThe police did call DCF and DCF called me and they were so proud of me. They couldnât believe I called DCF. They said âI canât believe you called usâ. They said that usually when things like this happen, a neighbor calls and the parent never calls. She said âbut you called usâ, and I said âyes, I want to help my son, and Iâm on crack, I canât go to sleep at night because they get in here. I locked the doors, but they still get in.â Then I later found out they werenât even locking the door.
âMy landlordâs mother came over one day after that happened. She sat on the floor on the carpet (she used to live thereâit was her familyâs house) and asked me if my son was eleven years old, and I said yes. She said, Iâll tell you what move from this house, take your children and move. When we moved there, the boys found a Ouija board in the basement, and I told the boys to get that thing out of here. They took it and threw it in the dumpster down the street and do you know the next day, that thing was right back. I said, âoh God, get that thing out of hereâ. I told Cheryl that my boys found a Ouija board in the basement, they threw it out in the dumpster, and it came back. She looked at me and smiled. I asked her who used to play with Ouija boards and she said âwe did when we were kids; we used to do rituals and stuff. I said, âgirl, you did rituals and was calling dead peopleâ and she said that they were just playing. I told her that was not a game, she never told me that they called people back, and I asked her if they ever sent anyone back. She said no and I told her that those spirits are still here. It was weird, and then I had to because they were doing all these things. I would pray all the time and I had my little meditations. I told her that she needed to send those people back. I didnât want anything to do with that stuff because Iâm not into that.
âAll these things kept happening was happening and happening, and getting worse. I would pray, because I knew that they were there, but there was one that was black. It was so tall, you couldnât see the head. It was like a ⊠I donât know, but I could picture it now. I told Cheryl because she was fixing up the second floor and she was going to move into the house. I told her that she called those spirits here and never sent them back. I told her that there was one that just wouldnât go, that it was mad, and that it must want to see her. When I said that to her, she stood straight like a soldier and said, âwell, Iâm readyâIâm a soldierâ. I looked at her and thought to myself âGod, they really didâ and eventually I got out of the house. That stuff is not just on TV. When I see things on TV, they got that story from somewhere; it only comes on Scifi, but it happened.
âWhen I was in Niantic and talked to that lady and, especially after Cheryl âs mother came over and told me that. As a matter of act, we stayed there for three years and people on Edgewood Avenue would say that no one ever stayed there over a year and that we were the longest people who stayed there. No one had ever stayed there over a year because something would always happen to their family, but it was an experience. It may sound crazy or whatever, but hay. Thatâs because people donât talk about that stuff. I did share it with my clinician and I would talk about it because I didnât care, I wanted to talk that stuff out of me. You have to let people know and once I told it, they put that label on me. Me and my children we really, really experienced it.
âWhen I did go to the program and James came back, Joselyn said that Donlan and Musadi were laughing one night and that somebody had called her house and said that they had got the wrong son, who they wanted to get was James, and they were laughing and said that they were going to get him. They said that they got the wrong son, James is the one that they need to get. Joselyn was laughing and I told her that that was nothing funny.
âThings would happen to my brother here in New Haven, and I would warn James because James was an outgoing person. He would be trusting people and look what they had done to him here in New Haven, by people he thought were family. He found those people, or they found him, and they ended up setting him up, and he went to Rikers Island for five years. They were looking for us, the first people that stayed here, when Clive lived in Manhattan. On the way going back to Manhattan, at Union Station, the police came up to him and they wanted to see his ID. They looked at the ID and they said it was the right last name, but the wrong first name. Back then, Levander, he sold, I donât know what he was selling, maybe heroin, I donât know I was a kid, I didnât know anything about it. I think I was in grammar school when that happened.
âWhen we moved up here, James must have been nine, a man came up to me and asked if James was Levanderâs son, Cliveâs brother. Clive always said that James looked like Levander when he was a little boy. The man said that he always thought that was Levanderâs son and I told him that that was my son. I didnât even want to go there. Iâm glad that James is no longer in New Haven; I really am. James is his own person. Iâm glad he finally got a job. He would come to my house and I would tell him not to leave anything in my house, no money, nothing. Because if they come in here looking for something and they find it, itâs mine, itâs in my apartment, so donât bring anything in here. I told him that Iâm in recovery now and I donât want any of that stuff in my house. I didnât want him to smoke weed or anything. They tried, they really tried. He couldnât get a job here.
âJames finally moved. He had gone to Stone Academy and I think he almost had a 4-point something, a high score, but he couldnât get a job here. He wanted to get a job at Yale, but he couldnât get a job here. He was one of the top students at Stone Academy. He was always a top student, even when he was little. He was a smart, smart kid. He did get a job, and I had told him that he was getting older and needed to pay Federal taxes. (Look at me, I worked for The State and I canât even get my stuff.) I told him that he had to get stuff.
âMusadi had a fantastic job with disabled children. I think he worked at a group home and something Musadi did, I never forgot things, but they didnât fire him, something he was doing at a group home. Then he messed up â he was getting somebodyâs Social Security check. The people asked Musadi to put it in his bank account. Musadi was making $30.00 an hour; he was doing really, really good and had been working for them for years. He put the check in his account and they busted him. Musadi lost that job and has no job now. Heâs a diabetic and doesnât take care of himself. We talked one Thanksgiving about his father, who is a diabetic; his grandmother, my mother, and my father are all diabetic as well. It runs really, really thick on both sides.
âMusadi has no job anymore and they came and impounded his truck, and now all he has is Miss Keyes. Miss Keyes never let me see him and told me not to come around or call him. Now, a few years ago, once I got in here, she would call me and say that he has to do something because she is old now. She stopped me from doing things with my son. She wanted him to stay with Jocelyn, but Jocelyn wouldnât do it. I donât know whatâs going to happen to my son. I got to look out for me because I know his capabilities. It ainât fear because I know Center has me. Iâm guaranteed Center has me now, but still if I was to really, really get involved, Center doesnât want me to go there, just keep loving him unconditionally. That was his choice that he made; I believe he knows what heâs got to do. I donât know what his plan is. Iâm not concerned because Iâm in a different space in life now.â
âMiss Keyes is a foster parent and she lives on Bassett Street.â
Heâs still with the foster parents?
âHeâs still there. A lot of kids were there and they moved on, but Musadi hasnât. When I was talking to him a couple of Novembers ago, when we were at my sisterâs for Thanksgiving, I told him that there are people he can talk to and he has to tell somebody, not just me because Iâm not in the picture anymore, Iâm not. I told him that he needs to tell someone what he told me. The day he told me he said that he was telling me because Iâm his mother and he wasnât telling anybody else. I let him know that there are people out there that can help him. The way things are ⊠Look at the people in here. I pray he never comes here, but they donât want him here. Itâs just sad. When I was on the other side I prayed that he would never come through here. Itâs a smoking cigarette; thereâs nothing, no encouragement or anything. Itâs just eat, eat, eat, you blow up. You eat to get full; itâs not about nourishment. People smoke, smoke, smoke cigarettes. People canât even stand upâthey push them out in their wheelchairs, they come back to their room, and hook them up to their oxygen tanks. I donât want my son to come here. Heâs going to end up going somewhere.â
Do you think heâs afraid to talk about what has happened to him, that he might be labeled or treated differently, or feel some pain?
âI think heâs ashamed because he knew the longest. I believe thatâs what it is, despite what others may think. Even when I started taking him to Clifford Beers, eventually he didnât want to go anymore. He said that the doctors were stupid and he didnât tell them anything. I said that he told them what they wanted to hear, that he didnât tell them what really happened. Heâs just closed up. I pray that he does come out somewhere, but Iâm not going to argue about anything, âwell you said this and you said that, and then you tried to brainwash meâ. Itâs painful to know, that was my Bear; his middle name is Bear.
âMe and James were close too, but James always took care of everyone, he was the big brother. I always felt that someone was going to hurt Musadi. Until this day, James will say âyou gave Musadi all the timeâ. James is angry, very angry. Musadi would lie on James all the time, and I would believe Musadi and James would get punished. Those things did happen, but that was then and this is now. I donât hate nobodyâthose are my babies; I didnât have to have them, but I did. There was fear, but I did, and Iâve come a long way with this.
âThere was a time when I was really, really angry. People were doing all kinds of things to me, and they would let them. I remember one day I went to Walgreenâs. I used to use the vinegar and water douche, and they were on sale, Summerâs Eve, I think. I got a few of them and, when I came home, I put them in my drawer. A couple of days later, I was going to use one and I took it out of the package and it was open. Instead of it being like this here, it was backwards. It was like someone had taken it out, heated it, stuck it on, and stuck it on wrong. I asked Musadi about it. He came in the room, looked at me, and said that John was here and he had been smelling that stuff all the time and John put it in him. I said that there was something in it and asked him what it was and he said that they put something else in it. If I hadnât noticed that it had been opened, I would have used it and didnât even know what they had put in it. I would get really pissed with him and would spank him. I was so pissed because he was allowing people to do things. Some of things I just canât say, but I know they did because I know how I felt when I woke up. Iâm fortunate to be hereâthis was no joke.â
Whatâs been the catalyst of your recovery and healing? It sounds like youâve experienced a lot of trauma.
âStep work, and I got a sponsor who doesnât judge me or anything I say. Even if she doesnât believe what I say, she doesnât say so. I had to cleanse myself. Itâs going on twelve years that Iâve had her. It would have been thirteen years, but I relapsed when I was clean for a year and two months. Through step work because I canât say church. With step work and my higher power, Jesus Christ. I donât look at that in a religious way. I look at it in a spiritual way, my spirituality. The power greater than myself is his holy spirit. Spirituality, not religion, because dealing with it religiously, it would take you to a whole different place. You canât wonder about why this happened; it happened for a reason. For me, it was to learn something.
âMy friend, Johnny, the one I told you about â I could just accept him. Remember, I told you about the guy that had killed him? I wanted to help this kid because I always knew he was going to be feminine from when he was a little boy. Every time I went to Josephineâs house, he always took to me, bouncy, bouncy. As he grew older, Iâm the one he would come to and share stuff with. I prepared him and opened his eyes; it is what it is. I didnât get the understanding that inside you is a female â God put the wrong person in you. I wasnât there yet because I always thought that God didnât make mistakes. I always felt that somewhere down the line, someone did something when he was a little infant; you donât know. All he knew was that he was looking for that feeling somewhere. Someone had given him that feeling, thatâs the way I look at it. Someone did something to him as an infant, when he was a little tiny baby, on the bed because thatâs how people do it; theyâll do it to an infant with a diaper on. They will do that because no one can tell nothing, but I never told him like that. I would school him and let him know not to let people take advantage because he didnât know. He was the cutest little thing, he should have been a girl. He just loved him some bouncy.
âPeople would say. âWow, you and Johnny are always together, umm ⊠if anybody can change Johnny, you can.â I would just laugh at them. People would be thinking that me and Johnny were doing something. Me and Johnny (he was younger than me) thought it was so silly because I already knew what he wanted. When he was a teenager, he was doing the same thing as me and he had to slow down. Heâs still so special to me. A person is going to do want they want to do or what they think makes them happy. I accept it with him, even little El, even with them. I guess because it wasnât my child, I donât know. I just want to pay attention to you to let you know. You got to be yourself. I look at how times is now, we all have feminine and masculine; we all do. Some people say âIâm just masculineâ; no, we all have two. We really do; itâs just which one overpowers the other one. I have a recovery CD that explains that we all have a feminine side and a masculine side, and itâs all good. I used to listen to it so much and it helped me a lot.
âI canât be around my son, even though Iâve grown and expanded so much, I know what he went through. I know the goal of theirs, I donât know, yes I do know ⊠heâs still part of something.
Even his little girlâs mother, she doesnât want Musadi around their daughter without Jocelyn or Annetta. I believe something happened because she doesnât trust Musadi with his own daughter. As a matter of fact, he did something to Annetta when she was little when we lived on Commerce Street. I would be the one to give Annetta a bath all the time because Jocelyn would never do it. One night when I was giving her a bath, I was washing her, washing her really, really good and she did something she never did before. I washed between her legs and she said âoh grandma, oh grandma, let me do you, let me do you.â I was sitting on the floor, by the bathtub, and that just blew my mind, âlet me do you, let me do you.â I looked at her and asked her who was playing games with her. She was so excitedâit was like âwow ⊠it just hit me when she said âlet me do you grandma, let me do youâ. I kept washing her, and she told me that Musadi would play tickling games with her. I told the people at the 4 Cs because Jocelyn wasnât paying attention. They ended up telling DCF, and Musadi wasnât supposed to be around Annetta.
âWhenever he would come and visit Jocelyn, and I came there on that weekendâhe was sleeping with Annetta, and that never left me what he did. So I slept in that little bed too; we were all in there together. I donât know ... Iâm kind of concerned about my great grandchildren because Jocelyn doesnât pay attention to this stuff or she lets things happen. I donât know; I donât know what Jocelynâs choice is either. Kids will play, but ⊠if it is, it is, but I think about my greats because if Musadi was to come there, Jocelyn would leave him there with them, and go and do whatever she has to do, and theyâre little. Thatâs another reason why I donât get involved. I know what he did to Annetta and I know what he was going to do to me. I donât know what kind of relationship Jocelyn and Musadi have, I donât know, but I know incest is in the family.
âThereâs incest in the family and my grandfather was an incest. My motherâs mother told me about it. He always had sex with all of his kids. He had a child by one of his daughters. Moom was the baby, she went with Diddy, and she had her first child at age thirteen because she didnât want her father doing to her what he was doing to the boys and the girls. Moom was always around Diddyâs family. She would be with Diddy behind the field and stuff, and they would stay together because she didnât want her father to do that to her. The boy that my grandfather had with one of his daughtersâthe slave owner was pissed off about something with David and he was the one who told David that his grandfather was his father. He told him that his grandfather raped his mother and that hurt David really bad. David was so angry with Grandpa Jessie. One night, they sat down and had dinner together. David even let Grandpa Jessie smoke his last cigarette after dinner. He was sitting by the window, behind him, he waited until Grandpa Jessie finished smoking the cigarette, and then went outside and blew his head off. Itâs in the family. They donât talk about stuff like that, but Iâm alert to it. Iâm grateful that I know these things, but everybody else runs from it, but you need to know. You canât shove it under the rug. It is what it is.â
It sounds like the pattern of abuse and trauma is continually passed on from generation to generation if itâs not healed or talked about.
âThey donât talk about it and they pretend it doesnât happen. Nobody can say anything anymore, so the next generation doesnât know. Children to children, they wonât know where it came from. Iâm so glad that my Grandma Charlotte told me things. Iâm just glad and I told my son, James, and Jocelyn so much. Jocelyn uses it as a weapon, but thatâs okay, thatâs okay. I thought she was going to be my best friend, but it ainât like that. I never knew that she envied me as much as she does. I now understand that itâs attention, especially when Iâm around. As a matter of fact, she told me that when Iâm around, I get everyoneâs attention. We are who we are.
âMy son, James, has anger issues. One thing I realize is that children fail to understand that their parents went through a whole lot of stuff too. Parents had trauma and we pretend that we are so strong for our kids, that we can conquer anything. I was the toughest mama. Everybody wanted me to be their mother. I think thatâs the envy of Jocelyn and James because all the kids would come talk to me about anything. They envy that I was nice to them, especially when things were happening and disappearing. James would say âyeah, you were nice to so and so and so and so, where they at now when you need stuffâ, and I would look at him and it would hurt. All those kids are down South and if they were here, they would be there for me. Iâve met Center nowâif thereâs something I really need, he really does provide. Heâll guide someone to me because everyone that comes up, is sent from Him.â
What have you learned through these experiences with Musadi, getting clean, and arriving at where you are now in your life?
âEverything happens for a reason. Itâs to strengthen you, to accept others for who they are even though you have been taught itâs supposed to be so and soâs way. There is no supposed to be no certain way but the way it is. You canât plan anybodyâs life. You donât know anybodyâs emotions. You donât know other peopleâs desires, except for what they tell you, but it may not be true. I have learned people are who theyâre supposed to be, theyâre in their own process, if theyâre not running from themselves, but itâs up to them. We canât make anybody. We donât even make ourselves. We might have intentions, but the thing about that is, nobody is that way, but being in the presence of an individual and know that if it could only be another way, but it canât be another way the way you think itâs supposed to be, to please you. Thatâs what Iâve learned. I learned that this life, my childrenâs lives, anybodyâs lifeâitâs what pleases them when theyâre ready. When theyâre readyâwhat will be revealed. You can see something and you donât want it to be that way, and sit and wait for it to change to something else, but it isnât supposed to change to something else. All I can sayâwith Musadi and all of my children, I planted the seed in spirituality and the Word.
âMy son, James, has faith in Jesus, but as far as what the Bible says, James ainât having it. My son, James, is something. Heâs like an old soul. He feels like the Bible, how man switched the purpose of the Bible, to control people and theyâre slaves. Thatâs where my son, James, is. James feels like how man has changed so much because of the books theyâve taken out. He doesnât believe every word in the Bible. Itâs a control thing and a negative fear thing, not a positive fear. I always felt that he was going towards ⊠Allah is God, Buddha is God, heâs got different names.
âJocelyn just isnât into it. Sheâs not there. One day I asked her why she doesnât go to church with me, and she said that she didnât like the church that I go to because if she went to the church that I go to, people would see who she really is. I looked at my daughter and said to myself âGod, who is she?â It reminded me of something my mother had told me once. My mother had told me that I named her the wrong name after we had moved down South. She asked me why I was calling her Jocelyn, and said that she was a jackal and I should have named her Jacqueline. I told her that her name is Jocelyn and she said âI donât know who you think she isâ.
âOne night I was watching Animal Kingdom and they were showing jackals and hyenas, and I thought about when my mother told me that I should have named Jocelyn Jacqueline. They were talking about jackals and hyenas. I said âwowâ and now I see it as an adult. I wanted Jocelyn to be the way I saw her, but thatâs not it. Her father was an atheist and she is an atheist, but she likes to portray that she really isnât, but she is. He was an atheist and so was his sister; they both were atheists. They didnât believe in God and we had nothing in common. With Jocelyn, I tried to make her who I wanted her to be.â
âNot good at all, but my relationship with her is fine now, but when she sees me, itâs her time. I was downtown recently and saw her coming down the street. I called out to her and when she saw me, she ran the other way. Sheâs always been like that. I am who I am; Iâm spiritual. Iâve always been that way, even when they were kids. In my house, I played a spiritual station; I love to dance. When I hear songs and dance, all those love songs, the only person I think about is Jesus. The love is in you; you donât have to look for it. You are love, and just be you and expand the love. Me and my children â theyâre on their page.â
What have you learned about yourself?
âWhat have I learned about myself? Iâm a compassionate person. I care about others and sometimes I think I care about others a little too much and put myself on the back burner. I always put others in front of me. I always did ⊠I always did. I would do without because if it werenât for me itâs not going to happen. All that I have learned? I say within the last three years, Iâve learned more than I have in a lifetime. I really have. There were so many secrets, secrets, secrets. When I was a kid, I was told âyou canât tell anybodyâ. Thatâs a tough thing to say to a child, âyou canât tell nobodyâ. Then, all youâre going to do is think about it ⊠youâre going to think about it and itâs going to play over and over in your head. I guess thatâs why Iâm so expressive now.â
Secrets can make us very sick.
âYes. For real. Then you find out the secret was exaggerated. My grandmother would say to me all the time, âitâs a good thing you werenât born when I was bornâ and I would ask my grandmother why she always said that and she said âbecause they would have lynched you.â I think about that every now and then and I think about other things that people have said to me now as Iâm an adult. I remember when I had vocabulary words and I think I was in the second grade, yep Mr. Haynesâ class, and one of the words was lynch. I was the first one to raise my hand up when he said lynch. I thought my grandma meant they would beat me, so I said it meant to beat you, and someone else raised their hand, and said that it meant hanging. I was in shock. It shocked me. Oh, that day troubled me because I couldnât believe my grandmother would say that ⊠they would hang me.
âOne day when I was in high school and something happened. My Uncle John, my fatherâs brother, had come to stay with us. He was always so cold to me all the time, but I loved him because he would always make ice cream when we went to Brooklyn. Thatâs the only thing I loved him âŠhim making ice cream. One day after Uncle Calvin had passed, he called me a witch and said that I wished Calvin dead. I looked at him and told him that I did not. Then I remembered years ago, Nana was in her garden and I was sitting on the porch, watching her in the garden. She came back and took her little boots off and I said âgosh Nana, I hope Uncle Calvin dies before you doâ because I didnât know what was going to happen to me and I always felt that I didnât have anybody. He died first and he was my tie. If it wasnât for him, I would have still been in New York all those years because Nana didnât want me after I got pregnant. Uncle Calvin was the one that wanted me to come back with my little girl, but he went first, and I felt so guilty. Thatâs when I decided to go to my real Momma. She got answers for me and Iâm so glad I did.Â
âI thank God for my Nanaâshe told me a lot. She didnât really tell me, but she was on the phone all the time, talking about stuff, and Iâm glad I was there because, even though I was a little kid and they think children donât have ears, Iâm glad I was there to hear. I needed to hear stuff from my mother, for real, because there were things my mother knew and it removed the anger. It was all good. It was all to make me whole. Iâm not whole, but Iâm on the way.â
If you could give your younger self, when you were a little girl, some advice coming from the woman you are today, what would you say to her?
âStop being so hardheaded because you donât know it all. I used to like to read. I was always reading something all the time. Yep, stop being so hardheaded because you sure donât know it all.â
Do you have a favorite quote that youâd like to share? Anything that someone has said to you or something that youâve read, even a verse from the Bible?
âNothing formed against me shall prosper.â
What does that mean to you?
âAnything negative wonât interfere with my purpose. Whatever is supposed to be is going to be, if itâs meant for me. I donât have to chase it. I donât have to make it happen because life just happens. Oh, I have another on: It is what it is.â
âSame thing ⊠life is going to be. You have to go with the flow. You have to find a way, acceptance, not to be content, but acceptance.â
Do you think that itâs possible that by sharing your stories and experiences, in a way that is honest, could potentially bring someone else some hope and inspiration, in whatever theyâre going through, theyâre not alone in whatever theyâre going through?
âOh, most definitely. The things I have sharedâIâm not the only one that went through this. I know thereâs many people that have gone through similar situations and they think âoh, it happened to meâ, or the whole if and I should have. That doesnât get it âŠifs and should haves. Like the saying goes, if I coulda, woulda, shoulda, what would I do? Go with the flow. You have to move on ⊠You have to move on. I could wish that something didnât happen, but it was already on my path from when I was in my motherâs home. Can I handle it? I got to in order to be who I was made to be. Sure, thereâs going to be pain, but thereâs no âwhy me?â, why not me? It is a rough road and thereâs going to be a rougher road, challenges. Thatâs what life is; itâs a challenge ⊠every day. I look forward to challenges, especially what I just went through. That was a challenge and I saw my growth through that. My growth of faith and believing that Center has me and my soul has all the answers. Whatever you want to know, all you gotta do is listen within. All of the answers are inside of us. You donâ have to run around, asking this one and this one. People may have suggestions, but they may not be the suggestions for you. Those are their suggestions, but when you just get quiet and listen, not to your head, because thatâs the wrong place to listen. Listen to breath. Breath has some strong words, some strong, solid, low words. Once you get that understandingâlife fulfillment ⊠thereâs no end. It may not be what you expect, itâs just what it is. I am.â
How has it felt to share these feelings and experiences with me today?
âIt felt good. It felt freeing and just to know that Iâm not the only one. In the beginning, when we first started, I thought to myself, oh my God, I hope this doesnât hurt anyoneâs feelings; thatâs what I thought at first. It happened and itâs true. Itâs not true just in my sight, I can look at it now. I didnât exaggerate it. I donât care who judges me because I lived these things, and thereâs going to be more, but Iâm ready because Iâm not doing it by myself. Iâm not who you see. I am not these clothes. Wow âŠif a person could just see me now. Theyâd have to put their shades on. Yep, I feel like it doesnât matter, because this helped me. This has helped me. It doesnât matter who believes it. I have lots of stories, but that one ⊠that was the bottomless pit where everything started falling off the sides of the pit, all the rocks and boulders, the sand and dirt, so much fell. That was it, and I thought it was all this other stuff, but thatâs where my bottom began. It began because it was so much deeper. The depths never ended and thatâs what opened the bottom of the world. Thatâs when all the anger and revenge came out, but it all worked for the good, and thatâs true. It may not feel good but, in the long run, when you look at it, itâs for the best.â
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