I thought that I am naturally one of those emotionally flat unexpressive autistic people (who are great people! Honestly!) and that my exuberant personality might just be an act.
But as I examine myself closer, I realize that I can sometimes become emotionally flattened and unexpressive out of necessity and not because I enjoy that or because it’s me unmasking.
It’s because my voice is LOUD. I naturally talk far too loud for most people to tolerate. When I feel any emotion at all, I feel it STRONG. And I love to feel it strong. But they make me loud. Too much.
So in order to talk at an acceptable volume and not sound like an overexpressive cartoon character…I silenced my voice and with it my emotions. Because in order to quiet down, I needed to not allow myself to feel things like excitement or joy. SUCKS, DOESN’T IT!?
Now, I’m learning to express myself through my voice and through the chipmunk voices out loud more instead of just online again. AND GUESS WHAT! It’s been exhausting me too, because while it feels good, I still get scolded for being annoying and loud. And my body is not used to the frequency with which I talk. (I keep getting really dry mouth! Lol)
But it feels good. It feels liberating. Hopefully someday it’ll also feel less exhausting!
