There's been a host change, but it works out for the best, because I was host before I went dormant, I'm awake now. I'm still reeling from everything that happened when I was gone, but I'm here to stay. I'll get to taking stock of alters at some point. It's been... A lot. I still have so much to do. I'll probably try and write another poem for
Skye's blog but idk, I have school work to do and I'm exhausted and depressed. I'm... Doing everything I can right now. Trying to give them space. Trying not to suffer too loudly, especially at them, Because my trust has been fractured, but I do genuinely want to recover from it, and I want us to come back from this...
Only thing I can do is my part. They'll let me know when the door is open.
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2 days ago, I woke up to an empty bed and a text from my spouse of 9 years that said "You made me promise that if I couldn't take it anymore I would go. I can't handle your temperament anymore, you scare me"
I-- I'm at a loss for this, I've been without my medication for almost 3 years, and I have anxiety, bpd, and way more. I was doing everything I could. I tried keeping the house when I wasn't sick.
Then I got diagnosed with MS and they wanted to open the polycule.
Fuck I'm so stupid.
I hate that when they dipped when I can finally get my medication because I found out today that my university will get me medication and therapy, so I can finally have what I need, how fucking cold is that.
La, la la, now everybody's singing
Yeah, that's kinda what it feels like.
Is this really happening?
... But I'm back screaming into the void so fuck where do we start.
So I think I included the fact that I have MS in my last update.. did Jason even make it on here?
Hold on chat did I even TELL you that Maze and I were getting back into polyamory??!!
Fuck this is gonna be such a long update...
Okay, so I'll start from the beginning.
Hostship has been as many challenges as I expected.
I bit Maze.
Not in the literal sense, but in the "I'm not a violent dog I don't know why I bite." kinda way.
I lied to them. Well, technically Nixen lied to them before we fused. None of that withstanding I believe in system accountability, and I am not above that at all.
Which means I lied to Maze. What's worse than that I lied on a promise to Maze! I've NEVER done that.
That was a minute ago now, during the retrograde. We've made amends and we're figuring our stuff out.
Completely unrelated, I got onto Rolechat looking for some roleplay to keep my mind busy and I ended up finding a pretty decent roleplayer who then turned around and started hitting on me the second he found out I was afab, crossed all of my boundaries, and outright disrespected me.
Did I block him??
Fucking no
Why?
Because I'm a broken person and it made me feel wanted.
Instead I realized if I was feeling those feelings for someone other than Maze then obviously I couldn't hide the fact that I was polyamorous anymore, so I went back on dating apps, just looking for one person that felt right for now.
Jason was sweet, but Jason is also the name of the college student that coerced me into a "BDSM" relationship with him when I was 12, I feel like that explains it all.
Like I tried chat, and he really was so sweet, he deserves all the world but I'm not that..
Annnnd then the day I broke up with Jason formally, for which I'm so proud because I owned the fact that it was my choice and what I wanted, explained that it was not his fault and blocked him.
About 3 hours later Jack, a guy who I've been talking to for a couple weeks officially asked me to be his boyfriend!!
I don't have it in me to mourn any lost aura points for that.
No news on the lawsuit or a job, but I'm still looking, either disability or the lawsuit, or indeed will come back eventually. I'm alright.
Got a call yesterday about a route to getting DMTs for no cost, but the kind it applies to causes weight gain which is a biiiig fear for me, because I already have an eating disorder and am already fat.
But I'll try it for now and hopefully be able to move to a medication that doesn't cause weight gain or causes weight loss ideally.
And I've told my mom about Jack, and she was.. surprisingly supportive. We all talked about the importance of me being on birth control before I meet up with Jack, but they agree with me there, because neither of us is wanting to be parents rn.
They're talking about coming down to see me when they can, even talked about moving here to which I said in no uncertain terms would not happen, for their safety.
I just figured out how to wanna be a person, the world can stop tryna kill me until I figure it out.
Idk when new posts will come, I'll try to start keeping a que, but we'll see I'll do my best.
If anyone's listening to my whispers in the dark, This is Rigel Aven Wright of the Interstellar system sighing off for now.
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I know it's been a couple months since I posted here. I'm not going to lie it's been tough couple months. I guess I'll start with hi, I'm Aven, the new host of the interstellar system . The last couple months have been terrible. I was split from the hard stuff we've been through the last couple months and the diagnosis I received yesterday.
We have multiple sclerosis, and the worst part is that I haven't gotten to tell anyone, my mom has told everyone I know and some people I don't.
I feel like I have no privacy left, which is exactly why I try not to tell her anything, but it's hard because she raised with the idea that not telling her something was us slighting her immensely because I didn't trust her and not trusting her was a fucking crime. I just got the diagnosis Yesterday and she told an academic advisor at her college for free, another teacher at her job, and probably the cashier at her cigarette shop.
The icing on top is that both my mom and bio dad immediately lost their shit about the diagnosis, which kept me from being able to feel anything for the diagnosis. It's the same as the other 6 things I was already diagnosed with. It's like they have to have a big enough reaction that it becomes more important than what I need.
It's tiring and I'm honestly sad.
I guess I just wanted somewhere that I got to tell.
It's life-altering sure, but I was already on the process of altering the way I did things got my own health before this. i quit smoking and it's going well.
If anyone has memes, particularly funny memes, I would appreciate forgetting the last 24 hours, I might try out roleplaying here depending on the reception I get.
I don't really know how to align the fact that the meds are supposed to make me better with the fact that I can go years without a psych stay without them, but every time we're on them it all goes to shit.
We're not on the right kind of meds, our diagnosis isn't correct and nobody is listening to us.
Rory is finding taking over to be harder than he thought, but he's learning.
He'll come good. We all will.
Not sure the purpose of this, other than.. just to talk. We have a new job, we like it a bit better.
