stay asleep

This isn’t a type of migraine that the single acetaminophen I was allowed to have could touch.  By the time he got home, I had gotten M to turn cartoons on for the kids, crawled up to bed and passed out.  Waking up from that was just vast amounts of pain.  Sobbing incoherently amounts of pain.  

Ten minutes after he had gotten home, a neighbor from around the block had dropped by.  I’ve run into her a couple of times, including the day before yesterday, and she is quite determined to befriend our family.  I haven’t set anything up in stone partly because I’m tired, partly because I’m trying to put my finger on the strange vibe I pick up off of her.  

But husband didn’t want to be rude and I suppose the message got lost that I was upstairs in agony.  She had brought her 4 year old son and her dog, and things got rowdy.  Husband had been caught off-guard and left the bedroom door and window open and the noise was cracking into my skull, making any kind of rest impossible.  I was crying and retching by the time our house was quiet again.  

And, of course, we had made plans for yesterday evening to try out a babysitter.  A local high school girl within walking distance of our house with multiple references.  She goes to the city’s performing arts high school, plays piano and is looking for some extra baby-sitting gigs over the summer.  Reliable baby-sitters are worth their weight in gold around here.  I’ve seen mom friendships end over someone luring a sitter away.  There was no way in hell I was going to give up this appointment, and to top it all off, husband actually had a really thoughtful evening close to home planned.

I somehow managed to pull myself together enough to get out the door.  Husband was very gentle with me.  He took me to a part of the city with a row of these rundown vintage and antique shops, in part for fun of looking at all the old collections, in part to scout for furniture and decorations, since he knows I’ve been nesting.  We walked really slowly, took lots of breaks, and avoided anyplace with especially bright lighting, which was mercifully scarce in the old buildings.  He had planned to take us for ethiopian food after, but changed plans immediately and without a second question when I mentioned that tacos sounded easier to eat than the wonderfully complex cuisine that he had planned.

We enjoyed our dinner, went home to relieve the babysitter, who had the kids gathered around playing a board game and clamoring for her to stay, and I hobbled my way back to bed, where I stayed for 12 hours, even if I only slept for half that.

Last Thursday out of nowhere I started seeing these strange specks floating everywhere I could see. Some white, some black, all of them translucent. I freaked out and left work early trying to go see a doctor. Of course the heater core broke shortly after we left, spilling hot coolant all over my legs. I spent the whole next morning at the opthamologist, waiting and waiting and waiting some more to find out that my eyes are perfectly healthy and my vision stuff is probably due to migraines. Which would make sense, except I did not have a migraine! A slight headache Thursday morning but that had gone away before any of this began. And I definitely have not had a head ache since, except for a slight one Wednesday, just a pressure or vibrating feeling.

 So in addition to the constant moving, breathing of the world around me I’m also seeing all these visual auras. What the hell. How disconcerting. I can’t even drive my scooter for fear of my vision randomly going out or messing up. To top it off, I go to the regular doctor yesterday who completely dismisses me and makes it seem as though I’m making the whole thing up! Um, no, my vision really is going blurry and there are all these dark shadows and flashing lights. At least he ordered a lot of tests so maybe that will give someone some insight as to what is going on in my brain. I’m definitely switching doctors and will be making a complaint. I don’t care that you are a M.D., you can’t treat people like that. Why are you a doctor if you just don’t give a fuck?! I’m not some hysterical hypochondriac, there is legitimately something wrong! Oh yeah, and I'm getting "these headaches" because I'm not taking pills when I get them. Wtf? How many times do I have to clarify that I am not having headaches? Oh well, let's med up the world.

Or maybe there isn’t anything wrong at all. Maybe this is part of my ascension process. Or maybe this is to ensure I don’t drive anymore, which is definitely okay with me. For months now, ever since I was down in Mexico, I’ve been seeing sparkles and energy and the world breathes with me. It is seriously the neatest thing ever!! I’m starting to think that this most recent vision catastrophe might be related. My third eye has been buzzing! And the more I meditate and center myself, the gnarlier my vision gets. I’m trying so hard to remain lovingly neutral, but it is hard not to worry. I wish I had a teacher, a mentor, who could explain what has been happening to me. My whole body starts vibrating some times, at other times it concentrates around my heart where I can feel a magnetic pulsing. Everything I seemed to know about myself is coming apart. Maybe that’s just how these things work. Maybe someday soon I’ll figure out how to put the pieces back together, more complete than ever before.