Went to back to back therapy sessions and it helped a lot. Talked to my mom too, and while her advice wasn’t the most helpful it was at least nice to talk to her.
Been talking to my therapist a lot about the patterns I’m struggling with. That I go through periods of emotional starvation, and then I act out impulsively in an attempt to feel something.
And I know it didn’t used to be this way. I mean, it was a little, but not to this degree. But then husband had his head injury and he’s never quite been the same, and all of the little problems just became so much more magnified. And those periods of emotional isolation got longer and harder.
I’ve been solo parenting for the last few days because husband said he needed time where no one asked anything of him. And I get that, so I gave it to him. I hope he comes home feeling more at peace.
And the thing that happened with that guy… it’s something I can’t tell husband about. Even my therapist agrees… it’s something my husband would turn into his own problem rather than being supportive of my own feelings of violation. So while husband was gone, that tight little ball I kept those feelings wound up… well, they all came spooling out. And now I have to tuck it back in tight, but hopefully it will feel lighter now, since I finally talked to people about it.
I’m emotionally exhausted and slept for like 14 hours last night. I still feel really raw and exposed and disappointed in myself.
