#verbal processing

Rant is a strong word, I don't want to vent about my current circumstances, rather process them through words.

I have already asked my subconscious mind to reprogram me without me and I realize that this is just my conscious processing of everything coming out to be released. It's okay that I'm feeling this way.

I never realized how much I used interest in others to hide from all of this inner trauma. I was using other people left and right and I never noticed. I thought I actually wanted to be their friend and I thought I was actually dating and in serious relationships because I was looking for the one! The weird thing about doing things unconsciously is that to you in the surface, your motivation is maybe nervous but well meaning. I did learn a lot about others, and I did fall in love twice. Perhaps infatuation for one of them. But now it makes sense why I never made any friendships that felt true, and why my relationships felt like floating on cloud nine for a while, until the bleak dark sometimes horrific reality set in about who we were as people. Abusive relationships, friends that never truly saw me. Well hunny, I was abusing and not seeing my own self. I see better now the low self image that has been driving the car of my body and consciousness. I thank the lord that I have such a strong belief that I am being guided without a shadow of a doubt and that no matter what I do, it brings me back to my truest self, my truest home. I'm so glad I have that belief, that that is my unwavering intention in everything I do. It has been painful, and maybe now I understand why my sister allows things to arise within her in the safety of her solitary cave. I just feel that desire to just jump and go so strongly sometimes. My aries rising lol I know right now I'm past the depth where zodiac/astrology verbage helps me. This feels like deep essence shit. This feels like what is your deepest essence and what is the vibrational programming you have soaked in and called your own since you were a baby.

I can see the way now I truly absorbed my moms "I don't deserve anything" painbody. Intellectually, I do not know this about myself. You ask me about human rights and just the way you should value life and people, and I know without a dobut that I am part of that. However, my practice of how I interact with myself vibrationally does not hold this same view. This is really good to notice. I was completely filled with memories of how I felt as a child. I'm starting to realize that maybe I couldn move and just froze as a child was half m nervous system going into freeze state from the trauma I was going through, but also because I truly believed everything my parents were telling me about me. I gave up and stopped. And damn, to beat down an aries child that way, what a feat lmao.

I literally didn't feel like moving. I have been experiencing a lot of depression today. One of the craziest things about being a mommy to now two fur babies is that I am literally seeing myself be my mother in good ways and bad.

I notice how I make an effort to show that I see both babies and love both babies. If I show love to one, I make the effort to show love to the other. I notice the way I use beautiful words to make them feel beautiful about themselves. I hope that my sister experienced this too. If not, I go back in time to whisper beautiful things in her ears so she knows shes gorgeous too. I don't know if thats just what I manifested out of my mom as a gemini moon child, the same way my sister manifested a mom who cleaned everything for her as a virgo moon child. I said I was past astrology but I guess it has been the most friendliest tool I have found to validate my needs while also bypassing anything in me that tells me I don't deserve it or can't have it. You know? I can't believe I never saw the way I had that "I don't deserve anything" painbody alive and well inside of me. (Well not anymore, I am consciously processing it on its way out.) (I know this is true btw.)

I also see myself throwing emotional tantrums when things don't go my way. I see myself and the way I react to mistaks or things not going the way I want them too. IN horrific ways and just childish ways. Today the cat broke one of my crystals and the opportunity to observe the little inner tantrum I made because one of my things were broken, I felt like a mix of my mother and father feeling like everyone is against them (literally heard my inner emotion say "Youre against me!") and feeling the fear of not being able to protect my things from the chaos of the people around me. Feeling the fearful "realization" that I have to use brute force to keep my things safe (that felt like my dad and maybe the trauma of being surrounded by lawless brothers). I'm just seeing so much come out. It was good to see and I also felt the petty anger at my freakin cat for forcing me to feel all this! That also felt like a mom/dad response I would see from them when I was little. I think the worst part of having emotionally immature parents is that you grow up and you have them inside of you and its your job to release and shift all those patterns. The good thing is that you literally remember being taught that and not feeling that way. I just feel all that rage at the powerlessness I feel about the world and I know thats a painbody thats been passed down for centuries and in many families. My family is not special. I also want to give thanks again that this is as bad as my nightmare gets and it isn't worse. I know there are countless people feeling these same painbodies and more and maybe they have disabilities theyre still fighting to be validated by others, or they haven't supportive people in their lives. I feel so so grateful, because its good to remind the ego that you're not the only one that has these same exact feelings and problems, and the circumstances vary. I'm grateful that I am in the circumstances I am in, how gentle they are. It's because I'm safe now that this is all coming up. That's a good thing.

I also don't mean to shame myself. That's something I realized this week. I've been using the law of assumption/manifestation knowledge but I've been using it to shame myself! So no wonder no alchemy was happening, I've been shaming myself with this information.

My subsconscious mind has reprogrammed this in myself as well, this is also just the conscious processing and realeasing of this.

I want to say that intention really does matter. Because even though I've been learning the LOA (assumption and attraction) stuff, even with all my self shaming patterns, I have been seeing real movement and healing over the years. If you really intend healing, healing will arrive even if you're using it from the self harming patterns. The intentions will slowly starting wearing down all that nonsense, you just might go a little bit slower than someone who just has a clear intention and clear focus on it. IDK don't take that too seriously, that's just what I've noticed while experimenting with my manifesting.

I am grateful where I'm at. That's another thing I realized the other day, I feel so impatient for all this healing to arrive! I feel so impatient and I never even realized that!

Have to adapt to predominantly verbal communication culture in society

Convert verbal language into imagery to understand communication

May find it more difficult to organize visual thoughts when under pressure

Verbal language processing requires effort

May struggle with long sequences of verbal information

Need processing time to conceptualize visually what is being said verbally, then actively creating a verbal response

Visual thinking has a component-see things that others miss

Minds that are like oceans of images

Make rapid fire associations

Numbers and algebra can be abstract

Word based thinking can be a second language too

Details jump forward-notice things that seem off kilter immediately on entering a space

Can be late talkers

Deconstructing to learn

See images in their eyes mind

Struggle with traditional teaching method

Problem solvers

Photorealistic images - Cinematic - Short Films

Often doesn't require directions when traveling

May thrive in practical based activities

Look at the world from another persons point of view

Society not created for Visual thinkers

My dad has to take a lot of meds because of his Parkinson’s, and one of them got changed which results in a minor change in routine for getting his pills out. 

I lay the pills out a certain way, so I asked her to configure the pills with the new medicine because the verbal explanation wasn’t making sense to me. So she switched one set of pills with the new medicine and said “do it like that.”

One of the ways my creativity works is in a collaborative manner. Not with another human being, though. Not with another songwriter. Not with a co-writer. Not with a consultant. But with myself.

As in...

My conscious and subconscious minds working together.

The metaphor for how this plays out is a relay race. It doesn't actually matter which mind leads off the race, either. It can start with a thought I intentionally cultivated. It can start with a thought that came to me. Either way.

For example.

I'm working on a proposal and a pitch for a project and yesterday, I articulated it for the first time to a colleague unintentionally. It piggy backed naturally off another conversation.

Here's the thing, though. I managed to do it on the fly and in such a way that made sense. I hadn't yet taken that pitch out for a spin. I hadn't yet heard it out loud. So I was pleasantly surprised how good it sounded. Plus, it made all kinds of sense to my colleague, lit up some thoughts in their head, too. 

Now, the work I've done so far is thinking... and drafting an outline of a proposal in sections. Also trying to draft the pitch in ordered bullet points. Laying out my argument in a note app on my phone. So I had all that swimming freely in my brain.

This was something new, though. The next step of that working it out process that pretty much just launched right out of my mouth. So, once my colleague and I parted ways, I wrote my new pitch down.

Well...

Actually I didn't.

You see a few hours before, for an unrelated project, I researched a look I'm trying to craft and one of the articles I ran across laid out a bulleted set of suggestions. A kind of recipe, if you will.

And I have a place for recipes. 🙂

Because this particular set of recipes are the kind I need access to from different locations, geographically separated edit suites, I keep 'em in Google Slides.

Google Slides?

Yeah. In the cloud. I can access them from anywhere. Each slide is a recipe. A look. A way of doing a particular thing.

So that was swimming in my head, too.

And right when I went to write down the bullet points of my updated pitch, it occurred to me to put it in Slides.

That's not a completely off the beam idea, by the way. I learned to pitch during my advertising campaigns course in college and we laid it all out with a slide presentation to back us up.

Therefore.

Moving forward, I'm sculpting my pitch through the lens of a slide presentation. After all, if I can't make sense there... I'm simply not making sense.

The conversation with my colleague was a helluva thing, though. Up until that moment I was thinking through the problem, defining the pieces of the puzzle, just starting to arrange then when, on the fly, in the middle of another conversation, my brain rearranged those puzzle pieces into a better arrangement.

Huzzah!

So my continuing effort in Slides is me grabbing the baton from my subconscious and running with it just as my subconscious grabbed the baton from my conscious efforts to get my proposal and pitch up and running.

It works that way sometimes, this back 'n forth.

And I absolutely love it when it does.

“How do you feel about college? Nervous?”

“Yeah, I’m actually really nervous.” And if it’s a person I trust more than the general person, or somebody who seems genuinely curious, I’ll share “I’m actually most nervous about not being smart enough.”

“Oh you got this.”

Maybe that’s meant to be supportive, I just feel dismissed.

People don’t understand how much stress school causes for me because I do well in the grade book, but for those who don’t know, schooling is so much more than those non summative courses. It’s interaction with other people(I have been accused of being so insensitive when I was using 100% empathy) and it’s tests that don’t have the same formatting as the prep work that we are sworn will prep us for the test. It’s hearing a teacher use a definitive word and meeting their expectations to an excellent level, only to find that the amount of work I put into this wasn’t necessary to pass. It’s feeling too ashamed to submit poor work even if the teacher considers it to be adequate, so I go above and beyond. It’s being called the teachers pet because I was taught some fucking manners as a child and that translates to being the most helpful person in class. The nickname is compounded by me actively engaging in class and answering questions because that’s how I learn and if the opportunity is presented, I should take advantage of it. Somehow doing this makes people see me as stuck up and they have admitted to assuming I think I’m better than others. School is also being told an assignment will take me 3-4 hours and we can do it all in class, but it took me those 3 in class hours plus 8 more at home.

But those things don’t exist to other people because they just see my grades. Or, contrary to that, they see how I function outside of school exclusively. I am so adapt at understanding information and retaining conversations word for word. Additionally, their own self consciousness about how they feel around me plays in. I have noticed people who have admitted to feeling less smart than I am are more prone to dismissing my concerns about my adequacy because “you’re so much better than I am.” Which to me, this translates as me being invalid. Their selfishness and projection has blocked us from a connection and a place where I could’ve leaned on them.

Later I sign up for my courses. I picked a full schedule because I want to be challenged this first semester. And I tell these people I have a 13 credit schedule and they suddenly go from “there’s no way she can fail” to “I have never taken so much work. Are you sure you can do it?” And my ambition is punished. My bravery is stamped upon by sudden concern from others.

And I don’t really understand this. Because they lack the communication skills for this kind of conversation and yet when I explain it to them, it still doesn’t make sense that how I feel has nothing to do with their experiences and how they view themselves. I do appreciate feeling like I’m not alone in my experiences or feelings, but it feels like somebody is trying to put out my fire with the comments that feel dismissive. “You’re so smart” “you’ve always been good in school” “you have always had great grades” “you’ve never worked hard for your grades” “grades grades grades” “you’ll make good friends”

That final assumption is so stressful to me and puts so much pressure on me to live up to their expectations—all of these things do. Because they made it about them, when they started by asking about me. Isn’t that confusing?

And so I’m left fighting my generational lesson that I should give all the shits about what other people’s expectations of me are. I’m left here, isolated by the people closest to me to be in college for myself and my progress regardless of what my family thinks of my chances of success. And I don’t know how to stop wondering “what would happen if I did fail?” They would love me, sure, but all they talk about is my success, so who am I to them if I fail?

Maybe it’s nice, that I’m measured by my successes and not my failures. That the failures/missed marks can be let go because they know who I am.

Maybe I’m substituting my concern for how they see me if I fail but it’s a projection of my concern of how I will see myself if I fail.

I’ve been thinking about this one a while, trying to figure out how to answer because typically this sort of thing is autism related, but it absolutely could be an ADHD inattentive type thing as well.

I think really that it comes down to the individual person and how your autism and ADHD manifest. I lot of us never really figure out which traits are which where they overlap.

Unfortunately, there really isn’t a way to tell other than to just do a lot of introspection and figure out what seems more likely based on what you know about yourself. The only other way I can think of to figure it out is to try medication for your ADHD - if it gets better, it is probably ADHD related, if not, it is probably ASD related.