Itās really fucking stressful to go into college life and these are my interactions
āHow do you feel about college? Nervous?ā
āYeah, Iām actually really nervous.ā And if itās a person I trust more than the general person, or somebody who seems genuinely curious, Iāll share āIām actually most nervous about not being smart enough.ā
Maybe thatās meant to be supportive, I just feel dismissed.
People donāt understand how much stress school causes for me because I do well in the grade book, but for those who donāt know, schooling is so much more than those non summative courses. Itās interaction with other people(I have been accused of being so insensitive when I was using 100% empathy) and itās tests that donāt have the same formatting as the prep work that we are sworn will prep us for the test. Itās hearing a teacher use a definitive word and meeting their expectations to an excellent level, only to find that the amount of work I put into this wasnāt necessary to pass. Itās feeling too ashamed to submit poor work even if the teacher considers it to be adequate, so I go above and beyond. Itās being called the teachers pet because I was taught some fucking manners as a child and that translates to being the most helpful person in class. The nickname is compounded by me actively engaging in class and answering questions because thatās how I learn and if the opportunity is presented, I should take advantage of it. Somehow doing this makes people see me as stuck up and they have admitted to assuming I think Iām better than others. School is also being told an assignment will take me 3-4 hours and we can do it all in class, but it took me those 3 in class hours plus 8 more at home.
But those things donāt exist to other people because they just see my grades. Or, contrary to that, they see how I function outside of school exclusively. I am so adapt at understanding information and retaining conversations word for word. Additionally, their own self consciousness about how they feel around me plays in. I have noticed people who have admitted to feeling less smart than I am are more prone to dismissing my concerns about my adequacy because āyouāre so much better than I am.ā Which to me, this translates as me being invalid. Their selfishness and projection has blocked us from a connection and a place where I couldāve leaned on them.
Later I sign up for my courses. I picked a full schedule because I want to be challenged this first semester. And I tell these people I have a 13 credit schedule and they suddenly go from āthereās no way she can failā to āI have never taken so much work. Are you sure you can do it?ā And my ambition is punished. My bravery is stamped upon by sudden concern from others.
And I donāt really understand this. Because they lack the communication skills for this kind of conversation and yet when I explain it to them, it still doesnāt make sense that how I feel has nothing to do with their experiences and how they view themselves. I do appreciate feeling like Iām not alone in my experiences or feelings, but it feels like somebody is trying to put out my fire with the comments that feel dismissive. āYouāre so smartā āyouāve always been good in schoolā āyou have always had great gradesā āyouāve never worked hard for your gradesā āgrades grades gradesā āyouāll make good friendsā
That final assumption is so stressful to me and puts so much pressure on me to live up to their expectationsāall of these things do. Because they made it about them, when they started by asking about me. Isnāt that confusing?
And so Iām left fighting my generational lesson that I should give all the shits about what other peopleās expectations of me are. Iām left here, isolated by the people closest to me to be in college for myself and my progress regardless of what my family thinks of my chances of success. And I donāt know how to stop wondering āwhat would happen if I did fail?ā They would love me, sure, but all they talk about is my success, so who am I to them if I fail?
Maybe itās nice, that Iām measured by my successes and not my failures. That the failures/missed marks can be let go because they know who I am.
Maybe Iām substituting my concern for how they see me if I fail but itās a projection of my concern of how I will see myself if I fail.
