#ventsesh

I'm sick of EVERYTHING. It's as if my old self is actually dead. The hollow parts of me have dried up like old leaves.

Now, I bathe in the sun; I soak up the rays, I read my book, I take my vitamins. I eat when I'm hungry. Tonight, it's steak.

I no longer give my energy in desperate ways. I snap, I sting, I get sick of stupid questions. The best part is, that's okay.

My rigidness is waning... my pure intentions are clear.

This life is to be lived, to be laughed, not to be stared at and judged. Not to be labeled as "good" or "bad." This life just is.

I can feel my spirit growing wiser, my soul seeking true fulfillment.

It's close.

Community, is close. Right around the corner.

Peace is already there, waiting for you to acknowledge it. Waiting for you to say, actually, It's okay.

Actually, I have time.

Actually, we can change.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed, it's easy to feel hopeless, to feel misunderstood. It's easy to be mean, to blame others.

my bfff asked me to come thru to socal bc she said she needed me to be here. From the get go I told her that I was unemployed and had no typa funds so idk how I would pay for anything. She was hella like no no dude its okay and ill talk to your parents, so she swooped me from our hometown the last week of may with her quarantboo. i told her I would drive halfway and she was lowkey upset so by the time we were 40 miles away she was like can we buy alc. so im like okiiii so her boo and her bought alc, like within 15 mins home girl finished a whole bottle of Malibu to herself. Maybe like 30 mins later shes like jai I have to pee and her boo was like nah nah keep driving and im like nah if she has to pee its okiii so we pulled to the side of the road and homegirl blacked tf out while her boo was helping her boo and she started hella yackinnnn. And so we had to fix her throw up and so basically she was booty cheek ass naked and mind you its freaking broad daylight so im like telling her boo hurry we have to haul ass so this doesnt look sus. Long story short, I drove the entire way, paid for gas and paid for food while she was blacked out and her boo was in the back with her

We got to her brothers place in la and she was still hungover asf and didnt remember shit. She fell asleep while showering. And like the next day I was so dead from the drive and shes like cleaning and I asked her if she needed help. And shes like no im okay. So I go ahead and start packing bc she got a place in lb so we were leaving her brothers apt. and then we get to lb and her mans was going to come over and I told her hey if he is going to come over can he at least bring water bc we have no typa groceries. And shes like omg no thats embarrassing and im like oh okay and then he comes thru and she tells him how I haven’t done shit and she cleaned the whole place and how she paid for the place in lb and I was like damn thats a slap across the face bc i told you my situation from the get go lol so then like I just mind my business and then im like she makes it seem like Im not going to help out so like the next day I spend $500 in groceries, and her and her boo aint say shit or say thank you or anything

Then like im like okay thats fine, at least i am able to contribute in some way so I end up being cleaning lady, cooking lady, house lady bc I felt like damn im living here for free lemme at least try and help in someway. But homegirl has a problem where she blacks the fuck out and doesnt remember when shes drinking. So the same day I got groceries and she was in class and her boo was having people over and he was drinking and they got into a fight bc she felt fomo, so this girl drinks two trulys and she is alrdy fucked the fuck up and he gives her two shots of henny and she yacks, and I have to clean it and calm her down, and I tell her boo to bring her to the bathroom pls while I clean her yack and shes like going off on him in the bathroom and his friends are like okii I think we need to leave and her boo is like no no its coo and they’re like nah dude yall should handle that and so shes in the bathroom and shes like cussing him out but I didnt know bc I was clean up crew, and she goes off for like a half hour and half until she passes out booty cheek ass naked in the shower, her boo probably walked out like thirty minutes ago and so I checked up on him and hes like I cant handle that disrespect ya feel me and hes like I applaud you for being able to be so calm and so then I was his therapist/counselor and by that time it was like 2-3am so I told him ima call it a night and if he needs anything to wake me

Apparently I was passed the fuck out so he didnt wake me up but homegirl yacked on him and peed so he had to handle that alone and didnt sleep until like 5am and im like omg shiiii and then its like 6:30am and she comes to my room hella crying and im like omg what happened are you okay and shes like what did I do I dont remember what happened so I told her and shes like omg im so embarrassed and thats so bad and im like yeah dude you were cussing him out and went off on him and shes like I think hes mad at me I dont want him to leave me and im like nah dude I dont think hes going to leave you but I think you should let him sleep bc he hasn’t slept at all and shes hella persistent like no I want and need to talk to him and im like dude you have class soon you have to focus on that we’ll handle it later and I go talk to her boo and hes like over it but then eventually they make up bc I was like mediator and shit

Then it happens the next day where she gets fucked up over like three trulys and shes like in the tub again yacking and throwing a fit at him and hes like honestly I dont want to deal with this disrespect again and im like no I feel it its okay I understand ill handle it… then I am her therapist and counselor and tell her she needs to calm down but I guess she just be internalizing their fights and everything to the next level soooo yeah…. And then like a couple days go by and like its the weekend and I got invited to go to my other friends boyfriends friends graduation party where basically all hell happened….

So basically I got picked up by my other friend and main homegirl and her boo were spending the day together mind you I started drinking by like 2pm and it was probably like 7pm and home girls texts me that shes alone at the park by herself bc they got into something so im like okay come thru and she comes thru and like maybe like 10 mins in she is alrdy fucked up…. And im like laying on the floor chilling and I get up and im like oh fuck where is she and so I find her upstairs with my guy friend and she was alrdy fucked up yacking and he was helping her and im like omg I can handle this and hes like no its okay she needs help and so shes like jai jai call my boo and im like okay okay and so I call her boo and hes like out with his friends and he hangs up and tells me he doesnt want to deal with her disrespect so he’ll let me handle it and im like no worries enjoy your friend time and then she just goes berserk…. She cusses everyone out, she yacks, she goes face first down the stairs, she breaks my friends fan and she was just going off, and instantly kills everyones vibes… and shes like booty cheek ass naked and like thats just hella embarrassing not just to my other friend but to her housemates who own the house, but to like everyone….. and so my friend was like jai she has to go and im like okay but shes fucked up and everyone went to fucked up to sober so fast bc of homegirl… and so I said ill handle it on my own… so I was alone in the bathroom with home girl and she was going off on me and I like broke down and I was so embarrassed bc like I didnt come to socal for this….and eventually me, my friend, her housemate and my guy friend help me bring homegirl home back to our place and I packed all my shit that night while she was passed out… and im like I cant do it this is the last straw…

So Im telling her boo the update and how we are home and she lost her phone and hes like thank you for updating me and I say im packing bc I cant do this anymore and hes like dont leave her youre her rock and im like no im not leaving her but like damn that was just too much for me… and then I wake up at 6am and shes awake and asks what happened and I told her and im in tears and I said ima leave but I didnt and then we get ready to go to church bc her boo was expecting us to go to church and it was hella awkward bc my friend was texting me saying wtf happened and her house mates feel a way and I was trying to move in with them so they’re like questioning me as a person and if im drama bc of how last night turned out …. And pretty much I apologize via text to my friend and her housemates bc that was so embarrassing and they dont really react to what happened or say much. So we went to church and we met her boo and after we get food and it was like an awkward lunch bc her and I get confrontational and her boo was like well you have a wonderful down real ass friend right here and she was like thank you for the intermission but lets go and her boo was like so was this like in one ear and out the other and im like yup and she replies like no I just dont think we can dwell in the past so they decide to go to the mall and im on the phone with my friend and my mom bc im updating them on the shits that happened so then we leave the mall and we drop him off and then her and I drive in silence and go to our rooms and im on the phone with my friend and homegirl goes to sleep in her room and then I check on her and the door is locked so im like okay and then we have to go to pm church and we drive again in silence

And I start having an anxiety/panic attack and so im like dude im not right rn and so I have to collect myself and she doesnt really say much… and then I collect myself then we meet her boo and we go to church and she was like not in the mood but I wanted to do something and her boo and his friends wanted to go to the brewery but then she was like I dont want to be the reason yall dont do anything so lets go but first I need to get my phone, so we stop by my friends place to get homegirls phone and my friend tells homegirl to be mindful next time and everything…. And then thats that and we leave to go meet up at the brewery and I order 3 flights of beer which is like 12 in total LMAO bc it has been A MF DAY and its coo bc she isn’t really down with beer anyways and so we go and then head home and her boo and his friends come over with Seagrams which is like 3% alc and then we are all chilling and shit then his friend asks homegirl for her permission if her boo can go out Friday night for his birthday and shes like why do you need to ask for my permission and so for an hour the friend is trying to convince her to let him go and its in front of everyone and she walks out and were all like oh fucking fuck then her boo comes back and says that she cried it all out and they talked and everything so she comes back and apologizes to the friend and then like we all call it a night

Then like the next day its just like I stay in bed until like 2pm and go back to sleep bc im so tired and then its like 4pm and im like hey can you bring me to my titas in la and her and her boo seemed hella upset bc they were supposed to work out and everything…. But I was like hey I have to go tho bc my tita is waiting for me and she has work and so she drops him off and then drops me off at la and im like hey I wanna say I dont hate you and I am not mad and dont think I am abandoning you and shes like no dude im fine and im over it im never going to see those girls ever again and im sure im out of that housing living situation so dont worry and shes like I told my parents how you and I need space from one another and they were really confused and she was like yeah they’re like but youre so easy going why do yall need space and I laughed and was like yeah youre not easy going when youre drinking and then the rest of the car ride was silent and awkward and I asked her if she needed gas money or anything and shes like no im okay and im fine and then she hella just seemed like she was over it and wanted to rush back to her mans… and I could tell that.. I walked her back to her car and shes like call me if you need anything and im like yeah thank you, take care text me when you get home safe and the 15th is the last time her and I spoke…

I mean I dont expect her to pay me back for groceries or anything, if she wanted to pay me she could have and if she didnt thats okay too I dont expect shit in return yaknooo like thats just me and thats my heart if I am down for you ima just be hella down for you like we’ve been friends since high school yaknoo and like I needed space bc like I didnt come here to be your care giver but dont think I left bc Im over you like yeah I may have been petty and upset but I alrdy know how she is when she gets a mans she forgets me and focuses on the relationship, I appreciate the fact that her mans was okiii with me yaknoo and made that effort and he knows ive only shown goodness to her and to him, I know there is something deeper within her I could tell when she came back to cali and when I saw her in feb she wasn’t okay, I told her I dont think shes mentally stable and I broke down saying I really dont know who she is when shes drunk and shes looking to fill the void that she feels and how she cant push me and him away when we are trying to be there for her I mean if anything I helped her be able to communicate with him a whole lot better yet she didnt communicate anything with me except her relationship and feels she has for him, i guess it just sucks bc like I never knew that we’d end up like this lol she still views my ig stories and has my location I think its kinda funny bc like I honestly really came here because of her and for her yaknoo and I texted her around 7pm today and like I know she saw my text and she just didnt react to it and I know shes home so idk dude