#varajahl

“I have many unanswered questions. I suppose, at this point, few of them really matter. Tonight, I go to face a trio of men, Immortals of Thavnair, that wish me dead. I have no choice in this. I will either be endlessly hunted, or I will challenge them to a duel of honour. If I win, they leave me be and forget I ever crossed their path. If I lose... my life is forfeit.

I am the only daughter of Ceta and Edoh’a of the Naras clan, both Keepers of the Moon. I, myself, was once one such miqo’te. I departed my clan at the age of sixteen, not wanted or suited for life among my peers due to my unique and troublesome disposition, despite my talents.

I have spent much of my life wandering, searching for meaning. I have been a conjurer, an arcanist, a Blue Mage, and a shinobi. I write this now as the latter. I am survived by my parents, by my cousin, Dail’a, by my cat, Finn, and by my teacher and most cherished friend, Kaori, among many others.

To my parents, I am sorry. I tried my very best to be everything you saw in me. I wanted to be the perfect daughter. I failed you both. I know you love me all the same, and I am sorry to speak so poorly of myself before I go to my death. Know, though, that I love you both and wish that I were at least able to say goodbye.

To Dail’a, I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you. You have brought out both the best and the worst in me over the years, but most of all, you have helped me where few others would or could. Thank you. I wish I knew what that haunted silence was when we spoke of the Calamity. I suppose I will never know, now, but I hope that it is something from which you can move on in time.

To Finn, I know nothing I write will truly be understood, but I love you as I would my own child. I am sorry to leave you and wish I didn’t have to. I hope Dail’a takes good care of you. I know he loves you, too. You’re his little buddy. Be good for him.

To Kaori, I truly am not sure what to say. All the words that I could never actually speak are more or less worthless now. I know that what we meant to one another was beyond typical bonds, but this is my last and only chance to say it, so I will write it here: I love you. Maybe it isn’t "love” as it’s commonly understood, and I doubt it’s the kind one would expect when hearing this, but you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and the only person for whom I’ve ever felt this strongly. You’ve done so much for me, and I there has been so much I wanted to do for you. Please take care of yourself. I am sorry I couldn’t get to see our village - our home - to its rebirth, but I know you can get it there. Please don’t give up. You know I wouldn’t, nor would I ever want you to. I want you to be happy, whatever it takes.

To everyone else, all I can really say is thank you. You’ve all tolerated me, befriended me, shown me patience and understanding, given me more chances than I could have deserved in a thousand lifetimes, and opened up so many doors for me. I’m sorry that I’ve let you all down. I wanted to be something great, even if it was just for myself. I’m sorry to have wasted the chances I was given. I hope you can all move on and forget me soon enough. I know it’ll be better that way. I’m sure no one will miss my constant stuttering, rambling, panicky nonsense or my penchant for losing my mind entirely when I get stressed. I am sorry to have tested the patience of those around and close to me time and time again with my problems. I tried to be better. I tried so hard.

I have a lot of questions yet, and some regrets, as well. Perhaps, one day, someone may find the answers I sought. I never quite figured out the nature of my extraordinary sense for aether. I regret not having learned to control it or keep it from controlling me. I never found out what had happened to me in the year or more after the Calamity, though I don’t know if I ever could have learned that. I never quite found out the name of the Raen girl with the single horn, and I regret never getting to meet her. I wish I’d have never let my nerves get the best of me those times we ran into one another, but if I am dead, then it’s probably for the best. I regret never getting to settle the score between myself and Maximillian Crawford. I hope he gets his just desserts for all the wrongs he’s done to people like me.

I owe a lot of my good material fortune to the Crawford brothers and having been in their employ. Though we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, Anthony was a very good employer. I will always, however, hate Maximillian for his constant torment, both physical and emotional. All the same, what I leave behind is, to my knowledge, not insignificant.

All of my money - gil or otherwise - is to go to Kaori. My notebooks are to be burned. Finn will go into Dail’a’s care. All other possessions can be discussed between my parents, Dail’a, and Kaori. Any insurance payments on behalf of the Crawfords can be made to Kaori.

I will miss you all. Please try to move on. Don’t avenge me. Don’t start a war over me. Please forget about me. I’m not worth your grief anymore. I proably never was in the first place.

~Hali”

With a ragged sniffle, a sleeve came up to wipe at her eyes. Daylight was breaking over the Rasen Kaikyo and peeking through the trees surrounding the village. She hadn’t slept all night. Instead, she had accumulated a wastebasket full of crumpled up goodbye letters which had begun overflowing onto the floor of her room. She would need to burn them all before she left.

Sniffling again as she read the letter over and cried softly to herself in anxiety, she tried to keep her breathing steady. Her mind wouldn’t allow it. Two teardrops impacted the letter, fortunately, in a margin, before she folded it and sealed it in an envelope with wax and a small length of twine, tied into a bow before leaving it on her desk in her room in plain view.

She sat back at her desk and, finally, just allowed herself to cry. The sun was up properly by the time she was done, having gone to her bed to curl up, alone. Eventually, she cried herself to sleep, the exhaustion from stress, fear, and impending doom eventually overtaxing her.

Her dreams were wracked with anxious nightmares of malm-high tsunamis everywhere she turned, arcing ominously over her head. Should she escape one, another would come, wiping out the islands beaches until she, peering out of the window in her room, gazed fearfully up at one last massive wave. As it descended with a deafening silence, she felt its weight crush every last bone, forcibly eject the air from her lungs, and send her spinning into the lightless oblivion under the sea.

She woke up and found herself screaming in terror. Her dreams, though they were no longer haunted by the Immortals’ “beast within” which fuelled her magic previously, were still twisted into terrors by her anxiety. Pulling herself from her bed’s comforts, she staggered, shaking, toward her teapot to begin heating it. Some minutes later, she poured herself another cup of lavender tea.

It was nearly a bell later by the time she realised she’d slept most of the day away; it was a mere three bells before the duel with Varajahl, Habraheem, and Ghayaraan. The Immortals would be waiting for her, she knew, and with them, an audience of people to, at best, support her, or at worst, watch her die.

After she had finally calmed herself, she set to sitting cross-legged before her window, staring out into the trees as she focused, lavender incense lit to either side of her to keep her calm and focused. After several long breaths, she made four hand signs, one quickly after the other: Hogo, Shonin, Fuwa, Tsuihou. Protection, Witness, Discord, Banish. These four mudra were not a typical for shinobi, meant more for onmyoji priests. However, she had needed to learn it quickly during a venture. A stroke of curiosity led her to discover that it could not only seal and purify evil, but the “beast” as well. Her morning routine had come to include this ritual, and she held the mudra that executed the jutsu, holding the power within her and directing it further inward.

When she first began doing it, out of curiosity and desperation more than anything, the “beast” had screamed. It tore at her mind and soul in retaliation and sent her into fits of existential agony. As time went on, however, she got better at the jutsu itself and the beast weakened. By that afternoon, some weeks later, she had suppressed it almost entirely, her soul mending where the awful presence was once absent. It would take some team before she could fully heal something so intangible and important, but it would be worth it.

As she held the jutsu, she felt her own aether shimmer and contort as it was scoured of evil presence. There was no screaming, no pain, no existential agony. The “beast” had been starved and subdued for so long, it was barely noticeable any longer. Even Varajahl had mentioned that at that rate, it would likely die out completely. Though it left an odd vacancy within her, she had begun to feel better and more herself day by day.

By the time she was dressed and ready to leave, it was just two bells before the duel. The sun was already setting, and she had little time for a potential last meal. She stopped in Kugane for a bite to eat, though it was light, and then moved on to the Ruby Sea for warm-up exercises. It was there, on that islet where she had spent so much time training to make herself better, that she remained until the last half-bell remained, and she left her training ground behind her.