#vanity fic

Before they had even administered any anaesthetic Vanessa began to feel heavy, darkness seemed to envelop the room apart from the blinding overhead light focused in on her. As the surgeon began speaking, she started to drift back to thoughts of Charity, of Johnny, of their whole crazy family. Vanessa had never imagined she wouldn’t see her son grow up, wouldn’t get to raise him and protect him till he was old enough not to need her – well not to think he needed her anyway. Now there was a chance he’d have to face the world without her, it was as if she was abandoning him.

All she could do was remember what he still had, her crazy and at times overbearing mother would no doubt be around more. Johnny’s adoring Aunty Tracy would be there to sneak him a drink at a family party or spoil him rotten on his birthday. Then there was Charity. She may not be his Mum, she may not even be blood, but she loved him as much as she loved Vanessa. Many people might think she was crazy to want Charity Dingle to care for her son if she passed, but was there anyone who would protect him and teach him how tough life can be better than she could? Vanessa didn’t think so.

Not long before the surgery date had been settled and they had been married, Charity and Vanessa had both agreed to legally adopt each other’s kids (of course Vanessa could only adopt Noah, but the sentiment was there with all of them). They had become a real family now.

“Ten, nine, eight, seve…” As she drifted away and closed her eyes on the world an enormous sense of relief washed over Vanessa, Johnny would be fine, Charity would make sure of that.

 ***

“MOSES! You made a right mess when you got in last night, did you do some kind of elaborate gymnastics routine to get upstairs?” Charity screeched, though not with any real malice at her son as he slumped over the counter head in hands. The alcohol fumes emanated towards her and her eyes grew wide then grimaced as she took it in.

“Pwoar, I’ve got spill mats at the pub that don’t stink as bad as you. Oi, I’m speaking to you!” She gave him a light clip on the back of his mop of blonde hair which was met with a grunt.

“Leave it out Mum, me heads poundin.” Moses’ mind drifted back to all the times he’d laughed when Noah received the trademark ‘back-of-the-head slap’ and felt a slight pang of guilt.

“Fine, just help me pack the last of your brother’s stuff into the car will yer?” Charity gestured to a pile of boxes neatly arranged by the door, and though nursing a hangover her son obliged.

 As Charity and Moses loaded the boot of the car with boxes, a duvet and a large suitcase a car pulled up behind them. Almost immediately two tiny children emerged from each back door and clung to Charity’s legs, both of them sporting bleach blonde curls and pale faces with rosy cheeks.

“Granny Charity, Granny Charity!” They exclaimed.

“Ugh, no matter how many grankids I have, that will never feel normal,” she uttered as she bent slightly to try and hug them both.

“How about Great Granny Charity?” A deep voice quipped as a tall, slightly tired looking man closed the car door behind him.

“Oi you, Sarah isn’t due for 2 months yet, so we’ll have less of that.” A smile rose on one side as she kissed her son’s cheek and gave him a slap on the arm in jest for the ‘Great Gran’ comment.

“Great, now Noah’s here can a go lie down?” Moses asked in a sigh already turning to return to the house.

“Fine. But take your niece and nephew with you!” Charity’s eyes grew wide and she mouthed the word Useless at Noah. “Oh, and tell your brother to hurry up I wanna try and beat the traffic!” Noah helped her finish loading the car and the two caught up outside.

***

When Charity and Noah opened the door to Jacob’s Fold they found a barely conscious Moses lying on the sofa, clutching a pillow over his head in desperation as a four and five year climbed all over him, screaming and giggling in unison.

A smiled grew wide on Noah’s face. “That’s funny, I’m getting déjà vu witnessing this. I guess its karma ay, Mo?” He poked his little brother teasingly but got no response.

“Where is he?” Charity queried a slightly worried tone in her voice. Moses shed no light on the situation, and she stormed over to the bottom of the stairs. “Oi Brainiac! A world of knowledge awaits you, and the roads are gonna be chocka so get a shift on, yeah!” Her message was met with a slightly distracted “Coming!” in response.

“Right, I’ll get these lot outside ready to send him off. Debs should be here soon and we’re gonna facetime Ryan.” Noah said with some authority, he’d always been great with his brothers and he’d become an excellent father. He scooped up the kids and tugged at Moses’ sleeve dragging him to the door sensing his Mum might want a moment without the rest of the clan watching. Charity gave him a knowing and thankful smile.

Just as the door clicked shut legs began hurtling down the stairs, he was slightly shorter than Moses and Noah, something they teased him for, he got his height from his Mum. “Sorry, sorry, just wanted to make sure I had everything.” Johnny pleaded, locking eyes with Charity and delivering a perfect heartwarming, butter-wouldn’t-melt smile, another thing he got from his Mum Charity thought.

“It’s fine, I suppose you only start Uni once. Or at least I hope you do!” She joked and put her hand gently on his shoulder. “Right, you ready? The whole mad house is outside ready to see you off as if we were sending you to the trenches.”

Johnny nodded slowly looking slightly nervous as he gripped his backpack with one hand and slowly rested the other on top of Charity’s. “Thanks Mum.” He smiled slightly and looked down. The first time he had called Charity ‘Mum’ had come as a shock to both of them, it felt both right and wrong at the same time, the older he got the more it felt right. He never stopped thinking of Vanessa as his Mum, he considered the fact he’d never actually called her Mum, she was ‘Mummy’ when she was alive.

Swinging his bag onto his shoulder Johnny was about to head out. “Wait, Johnny boy.” A nickname she’d never tired of using to his chagrin. “I just wanna say how proud of you I am… And how proud your Mum would have been, and is somewhere. You were her whole world and you’ve never let her down. And look at you now, off to become a super vet! It’s a pretty big lab coat to fill but I know you’re gonna smash it kid.” At that moment Charity’s voice cracked and she felt the warmth of tears as they began to roll down her cheeks.

Johnny was a typical young lad in the sense he fought not to cry in public, but whenever someone mentioned his Mum, he couldn’t hold it back. He had his own memories of her of course, they were the memories of a small child though, he would often sit with Charity or Tracy and hear stories about her. That’s when he allowed himself to crumble, and this was no exception hearing that she would have been proud of him meant the world. When he had heard stories about her as a vet from Rhona and Paddy, he knew it was all he wanted to do with his life, the thing she loved.

They held each other for a moment, both feeling the occasional movement as the other sobbed. Charity inhaled deeply, mustering all the strength she could find she pulled back. Looking at the young man she had raised her heart ached, every time she’d looked into his eyes, she saw the woman she loved, but it was a reminder she would do anything for Johnny – he was her son.

“She’d be proud of you too y’know? Surprised you managed to keep me alive all these years, but proud. Proud of the family you made even without her.” Johnny smiled, picked up his bag again and walked outside. Charity didn’t follow but she heard the roar from the family as he appeared outside.

 ***

Hearing the commotion outside Charity knew she needed to go and join everyone as they said their goodbyes. She had to take one second, looking around Jacob’s Fold in a rare quiet moment. Many people encouraged her to move, it would help with the grieving process and to attain closure they said. For Charity it was the only place her and Vanessa had ever managed to build a home, they had been a dysfunctional family there, however brief, she couldn’t let go of that.

Raising the boys had been tough, especially at the start but she had so much support, eventually things settled and she found strength in her pain, knowing Vanessa would want her to carry on and to do what was best for the family. Every moment she felt she might break apart, she remembered her wife, remembered the promises she had made to protect Johnny and the boys and to be happy without her. It was hard but she’d done it, found a way to be happy found a way to make sure her family was happy.

Before she walked out to join the bon voyage party, she turned to the picture of her and Vanessa that hung proudly near the door. Everyday before leaving Charity would look at it and say bye to her wife, sometimes in her head, sometimes out loud, but always “Bye babe,” without fail. When she felt low occasionally, she’d sit and speak to her for hours. Even with no response it somehow helped support her, Vanessa was always so good at that.

“Well babe, I did it. Managed to turn him into a pretty spectacular young man. Though I think he might have your genes to thank for the spectacular bit,” tears began falling but she continued “I never thought I’d be able to get out bed without you let alone this. But I always felt like you were there y’know, rolling your eyes calling me a moody cow, but telling me to carry on cause you love me and believe in me. Listen, I know you’ll have to watch over Johnny-bobs now in Manchester, keep him out of trouble, believe in him when he needs you. But please don’t stop dropping in on me from time to time, cause I still need you, you know that. Always will, my Tiny Blonde Rocket Woman!” Charity wiped her tears away and blew a kiss to the picture on the wall, then headed out to join the rest.

***

The light was blinding as it crept in through weary eyes, she couldn’t make out anything at first, each blink revealed more of her surroundings.

“Hey, hey babe.”

That voice was delightfully familiar, she felt the gentle pressure of two lips on her forehead as a kiss was lovingly planted there. Charity. There was no mistaking her wife’s touch, even post-surgery Charity’s presence made her feel warm and safe.

“She’s awake guys.” Charity announced which ushered in a team of rather sleepy looking loved ones.

Tracy came to her bedside holding Johnny and Vanessa grasped his tiny hand so tight, as though she never wanted to let go. At the other side Noah approached with Moses in his arms, who presented her with a big card he had apparently decorated himself, a large red heart stuck on the front had ‘Get wel sun’ brandished on it, Vanessa thought it was perfect and blew him a kiss. Noah and her shared a smile and a look which seemed to tell her how relieved he was she was okay.

As well wishers came and went, offering gifts and careful hugs Charity looked on, allowing everyone to make a fuss of her wife but not wanting to leave her side like a protective lioness guarding what she cherished most. The bags under her eyes betrayed her earlier declaration of having slept that night. When everyone had left and Tracy took the kids home Vanessa turned her attention to her wife, still sat attentively in the corner.

“Right well you need to get some sleep, okay. I’ll be back in the morning.” Charity said almost dismissively as though she were scared to be alone with Vanessa who was noticeably exhausted but wasn’t ready to say goodnight just yet.

“Wait a sec. I’ve barely had a moment with you today. Just come and sit with me for a while.” Charity looked at her softly and of course obliged, pulling the chair as close to the bed as possible she grasped Vanessa’s hand and kissed the back of it barely touching it to her lips.

“Charity, I just… I want you to know. I love you, so much. And I know if anything had happened to me-” Charity tried to interrupt but Vanessa held out a hand in protest. “I had this dream while I was under, I swear it felt so real, even now it’s almost like a memory. I saw you, in the future, still gorgeous as ever. You had raised the boys and they were perfect and, and I just, I know if anything happens you’ll look after my boy. Our boy. So, thank you for being so amazing.” Vanessa lifted Charity’s hand to her lips and kissed it furiously, as if trying to prove how much she meant what she had said.

“Ness… Course I would, you and our little family mean everything to me. I know I act like a muppet and screw up, but I swear I’d never let anything bad happen to him. But lucky for him and the rest of our kids you’re gonna be okay. So you’ve gotta put up with me till I’m old and grey. Though still gorg apparently!” Both women laughed and settled into a smile falling in love more with each second. “I love you Ness, always will. My Tiny Blonde Rocket Woman.”

By the time he got up the pub was quiet, the boys at holiday club and Charity at work. Noah was heading to the kitchen to get something to eat when he saw Vanessa sitting at the table. She was miles away, staring at nothing with a pained expression on her face, it was clear she had been crying by the tracks of makeup left on her cheeks. To Noah, she didn’t look like Vanessa, the woman who’s always smiling and annoyingly cheerful. He knew he should say something but didn’t know where to start. He tried imagining what his mum would do if she was here but that didn’t help; she wouldn’t be too awkward to speak to her. After standing in the doorway for too long he walked over to the kettle and started making a cup of tea to Vanessa’s exact specification: weak. Too weak for any normal tea drinker, that was something he would never forget after having to hear her and his mum bickering about it every morning. 

Vanessa was jolted out of her daydream by a mug of tea being placed in front of her, she was ready to turn around and scold Charity for coming to check on her when she was greeted by a small smile from Noah. He didn’t say anything as he went and sat at the table opposite her, a cup of tea in hand for himself. 

“Hope it’s okay, it was hard to go against every instinct and make it that weak.” he joked. 

It took her by surprise, how willing he was to just sit here with her. Vanessa saw so much of Charity in him at that moment, making jokes to lighten the mood, judging her taste in tea, his eyes full of emotion that he didn’t dare express.

“It’s perfect. Thanks Noah.” 

“I’m sorry about your dad and all that, it must have been really horrible to watch him-”