#authorette44

1. This might sound grim, but Hoyt attacking them in prison. That was the episode that made it click for me. Hoyt following his M.O. (hurting the wife and making the “husband” watch before he killed them) wasn’t subtle at all and seeing Jane go completely feral to defend her girlfriend Maura really did it for me. That episode did set a precedent for absolutely no emotional aftermath by having them attend that god-awful horse-themed birthday party, though. 

2. The wedding fantasies talk. LOOK, if any viewer had been living in denial up until this scene, this surely couldn’t have made it more obvious. They were, and I can’t stress this enough, lying on a mattress together. Jane was wearing that tank top. They were having wine. Sasha had a cold, so Maura’s voice was particularly low. And then they were talking about their DREAM WEDDINGS in such an intimate tone. By the time Jane turned around to face Maura I couldn’t breathe anymore. The moment I punched the wall was when Maura, referring to Jane’s hypothetical wedding, asked “Can I come?”. FUCK! ME! Ignoring all innuendo that could be drawn from that line alone, what do you mean “can I come”???????????? YOU’D BE THE OTHER BRIDE, YOU IDIOT

3. The episode where they make up after Jane shot Doyle. It hurt to see them hurting, ngl, but the whole bitchy, 3rd-grade feud, atmosphere of that episode amuses me. AND THEN THEY ALMOST DIE. That shit was so intense and even though you knew they wouldn’t kill off any of their leads, I was still on the edge of my seat. Jane protecting Maura when leaving the car while it was being shot at? Nice. Her propping Maura up by the butt? Nicer. Them hiding in the woods, Maura telling Jane to take her shirt off and Jane having to perform SURGERY on Maura’s leg with a SHARD OF GORILLA GLASS?? Poetic cinema. Maura saving them with her drowsy morse code? Amazing.Them fully making up later on and Jane nuzzling into Maura’s neck? I cried a little. I realize this is several moments, but what can I say? I’m a rule breaker (just gave myself a giggle with that LIE).

4. The I Kissed a Girl episode. Do you realize this ICONIC episode was the 6th episode of the FIRST season?? The queerbaiting got more ridiculous as the show went on, but they knew what they were doing from the start and we fell for it like the representation-starved women we are and you know what, I’d probably still fall for it today because I’m WEAK. That episode was literally about a lesbian bar murder. We had Jane and Maura discussing lesbianism and what kind of women they’d like; Them falling asleep in bed together; Jane going on “””fake””” dates with women; Jane being kissed on the neck by a woman and going to Maura for her to swab it (!); Maura telling Jane about the health benefits of sex. I mean. That was the full gay package.

5. I like tommy a lot, but I love you was how I lost all ability to produce coherent thoughts for HOURS. Even to me, who thinks it’s totally fine to say “I love you” to friends, that was a tad much if you’d die on the “they’re just best friend forever” hill. Telling your friends you love them is awesome. Doing so when you’re trying to establish you’re not romantically interested in someone else is ROMANTIC and you can fight me. In conclusion, they were gay and TNT, Janet Tamaro, Jan Nash and Angie Harmon owe me financial compensation for my troubles. Not Sasha, she’s an angel.

The amazing and talented @authorette44 requested that I tackle this as my next fave scene, and to be honest, I’m a little intimidated because I can tell that she’s thought about it a lot and would probably do a better job than me, but I said I would give it a try, so here. we. go.

When this scene first aired, nobody knew how long Vanity would stay broken up (perhaps permanently? *shudders*) or how Vanessa could possibly begin to apologize. For me, the scene marked the narrative shift from—”Vanessa is somewhat more than a bit of fun for Charity” —to— “Vanessa is probably the love of Charity’s life”—because it so clearly demonstrated that Vanessa cared enough to be different from everyone else in Charity’s life (past or present): enough to take the time to learn to see Charity, not because she wanted to possess or control her, but because Vanessa genuinely liked (loved) her and wanted their relationship to work.The depth of Vanessa’s understanding was likely the only thing that got Charity through the trial (including everything that led up to it) and these moments are where it all started. Here are some other reasons why it’s a favorite scene:

1.      The perfect set up.  The scene works as well as it does because the writers laid the foundation beforehand for us to believe that both Charity and Vanessa had a sense of where the other stood, and that Charity could be open to forgiving Vanessa. So I’m cheating a bit by mentioning some things that occur before this scene: (a) Vanessa learning that Charity hadn’t really slept with Jeff (and immediately knowing what it meant); and (b) Charity learning from Megan that Vanessa was crying over her. Vanessa was able to formulate her successful plan of attack because she already knew that Charity was intentionally pushing her away to protect herself. At the same time, Charity was processing the fact that Vanessa cared enough to be devastated about their break-up; and realizing that Vanessa cared that much before she even arrived at the pub allowed Charity to stop and really hear what Vanessa was saying when she finally did.  Without those two important set up pieces, the quick reunion would have been far less convincing.

2.      Vanessa is (really) different.  Charity already knew on some level that Vanessa was different from anyone she had ever been with before—it’s why she was able to tell her about Bails in the first place. But this scene underscored for Charity and for us just how different Vanessa was, completely throwing Charity for a loop in the process. Before Vanessa, everyone in Charity’s life assumed that she was at least partially responsible for any row, so why would she ever deserve an apology? But Vanessa fully owned her mistake here, not blaming Charity even a little bit for what happened. And you can see Charity sort of mentally buffering at certain moments, trying to wrap her head around what Vanessa is saying. Charity had become so accustomed to being blamed for everything that went wrong in her life—whether it was fair or not—that she had no frame of reference for what Vanessa was doing. Hence the look of shock on Charity’s face through most (all?) of the scene. By the end of it, Charity has a much greater inkling that Vanessa is completely unlike anyone else, and that feeling will only grow over the coming months. 

3.      Cracking “Charity Code.”  Vanessa had Charity’s number from that first night in the cellar—calling her out for poking at people because she was bored and lonely. And she continued to demonstrate her ability to read Charity, and where necessary, to deftly steer her in the right ways to move their relationship along through the aftermath of the skills auction and the night at the gay club. Vanessa had been cracking Charity code for months! But here, she had to be very explicit about it; there was no room for subtlety or miscommunication because this was Vanessa’s one shot to fix things. She knew she had to tell Charity as directly as possible: “I’m paying attention, I see you, I understand what you’re doing, and it’s okay because I was in the wrong.” Could Vanessa be a bigger lesbian in this moment with the communication and processing?! She could not. (One of the many reasons I love her).

4.      Charity is amazing.  Beyond Vanessa simply taking responsibility for her actions, which was in itself a unique experience for Charity, Vanessa went further to show Charity that she wants her because she thinks Charity is amazing and wonderful. It’s clear from Charity’s reaction that no one had ever said something like that to her before (or if they had—she hadn’t truly believed it). This could probably be a sub-point to “Vanessa is different,” which is the major theme running through this entire scene. When Vanessa first arrives at the pub and starts talking, Charity tries to keep moving around, not looking Vanessa in the eye, clearing glasses, and then suddenly has to stop to make sure she’s heard correctly. Because even with Vanessa, Charity struggles to believe anything good about herself; the difference with Vanessa is that she keeps trying to convince her. (Though it’s sort of sobering that a year and half later, Charity still finds it hard to believe that Vanessa loves her...ouch). Here, Vanessa telling Charity she was “amazing,” and letting Charity look into her face and see that the sentiment was utterly genuine, healed some of the broken pieces that had started to crack and scatter since Charity had reopened the Bails box. Their relationship is so strong now (in part) because Vanessa has continued to show she meant it ever since.

5.      Vanity have no illusions about each other and still like (love) each other so much.  Perhaps the most iconic part of this scene is when first Vanessa, and then Charity, list each other’s main flaws and then say that they  like the other so much, each using their own colorful turns of pharse. I love the specific language here—“so flaming hard I sometimes think you have concrete running through your veins” is now my go-to description for Charity (though Vanessa has softened her, let’s be real). And “I flaming well like you too” will always be quintessentially Charity and Vanessa for me. The way Charity says it so softly, as if realizing it for the first time, destroys me. But most importantly, the sum total of what they say in these few moments will permanently define what is special about their relationship for me: that they each see the other for who they really are—even the ugly parts—and love that entire person, not in spite of, but including those parts.

28. Share three of your favourite fic writers and why you like them so much. 

               There are so many writers I’ve read through the years, and many in this fandom alone, who have inspired me to become the kind of writer I’d like to one day be. There is a magic to the fanfic community that allows you to watch authors develop and grow over long stretches and it’s been an honour to watch that happen time and again. 

The very first person I’d tag here is someone no longer on AO3, but whose fic altered a lot of how I approach my own work. I think they are wildly, incredibly talented and so cognizant of every word they choose to include in their stories. Regardless of personal feelings, my first few months in this fandom were spent reading everything they once had on AO3 and falling back in love with storytelling through fanfiction. 

That said, here are 3(+1) you can actually go and read the work of (and you should). 

1. Authorette @authorette44 | tumblr + ao3

Beyond being one of the kindest human beings I know and a dear, dear friend, Authorette holds within herself the ability to transplant characters into an entirely new dimension and make you believe every single word of it. I mean, just a quick scroll down her AO3 profile gives a minor glimpse into the magic of her mind. She’s been churning out massive, time consuming fics for years and the response on each of them is a testament to her talent. Authorette’s work is the perfect place to escape from reality for a few hours and return to life rejuvenated. Her fic Mise En Scene has been one I reach for every time I’m overwhelmed by something since I first read it more than a year ago. 

2. Piratekane @piratekane | tumblr + ao3

I’ve had a tab open on my phone of their AO3 page pretty well since I first joined this fandom, back in November/December 2018. They have this really incredible way of capturing things that are gut-wrenching to start with and applying this hopeful, realistic aura around them. I believe and believe in the stories they’ve told through the years, no matter how abstract the concept, because they are so honest in how they describe the human condition. Above all that, they’ve been truthful about the struggle with writer’s block and coming to terms with changes in productivity. At the start of the year, they posted a daily word count of writing and I found it so motivating to not be alone with the isolating feeling of not living up to this internalized idea of what readers expect of you. They are kind and wonderful and I cherish every conversation we’ve had about writing - especially that time where they offered to go and read 40K words of fic (that they’d pointedly not read yet) in order to help me with one issue I was having in chapter 11 of Epithet. 

3. Thegirl20 @thegirl20 | tumblr + ao3

At the dawning of Vanity, there was but one soul who dreamed of all they could become. The 71 pieces written for Emmerdale on their AO3 (including bits and bobs which has 84 chapters currently) makes her a hero, in my books. I know she’s not for the fanfare or attention, but the fanfiction community in this fandom is rooted in her presence and the warm, safe places she writes these characters into. When things are painful and impossible to cope with, there’s a thegirl20 fic to make you feel better. If nothing else, she’s been crucial for the collective mental health of this fandom and I am so glad she exists here. 

+ 1. A Windsor @a-windsor | tumblr + ao3 + ff

I have watched all of Vanessa’s story, so I’m not gonna limit myself to just Vanity timeline.

1. When she was PISSED at her dad for having another daughter she didn’t know about, but then felt guilty about all the time she’d had with him that Tracy didn’t, so she threw Tracy an 80s themed birthday party at the Woolpack.

2. When Kirin found a lump on her breast and she went running to Rhona asking her to use the vet equipment to do an ultrasound. That first cancer scare was such an emotional time period for her and I think it was ultimately the ending of her happy little bubble with Kirin. That backstory lends so well to her actions now, and she’d offered Kirin an out to leave her back then so he wouldn’t have to go through what she thought she was about to. (DONT TOUCH ME 😭😭😭)

3. How she was with Charity at the beginning of their relationship and through the Bails ordeal. Seriously, this is what I think back to every time the discussion about the change in how Vanessa’s character is written comes up. At the beginning, she was so tactile with her love and just constantly reaching out to touch Charity. Even if she didn’t make grand, sweeping gestures, it was always evident where her attentions were centered. I miss this side of Vanessa, which hasn’t been as apparent in the last year or so, and I miss those seemingly flippant lines like “I’m in for the duration.”

4. The running canon plot point that she loves a pun or lame joke. That little smirk of pride when she manages a particularly cringe one is seriously endearing.

5. Drunk Vanessa. Back when she first arrived in the village, her and Rhona tried to party hard and often. I can perfectly visualize Vanessa riding piggyback on Rhona and the two of them falling (this is how Rhona hurt her back and ended up addicted to pain killers, unfortunately), the joy they had together at the beginning made it so easy to believe their longtime friendship. She still reverts back to that part of herself sometimes - her birthday when she thought Charity had forgotten, New Years Eve when she was trying to keep Ryan busy - and it always seems to result in some delightful little line out of her mouth.

1. Do you make your bed? Sometimes I do not. Sometimes I get a rush of inspiration and I do. 

2. What’s your favorite number? 27 for the sheer comfort it’s supplied me since I was 17. 9 because it’s been my favourite number since I was a kid.

3. What’s your job? I am a Senior Staff Lead and Social Media Coordinator for a local Agricultural-Tourism Farm. I also work part time as a Sorter in the Ontario Distribution Center for a multi-billion dollar, multi-national warehouse chain - in their refrigerated section. When not at either of those places, I am driving deliveries for an Edible Arrangements location, teaching ballet, or being coerced into taking photos for money. I’m applying for college programs to get my Television Broadcasting degree. 

4. Can you parallel park? I absolutely can. For some odd reason, I am exceptionally good at it when driving rental vehicles and less so when driving my own. 

5. A job you’ve had which would surprise people? I delivered newspapers for more than 18 years, and also had a stint for several years as a professional clown. I can still balloon sculpt. 

6. Do you think aliens are real? Big universe, we’re probably aliens to something else out there. 

7. Can you drive a manual car? I wish. Manual cars are very uncommon here and I haven’t had access to one to learn. 

8. What’s your guilty pleasure? So, the dictionary definition of a guilty pleasure is literally: a movie, television program, or piece of music that one enjoys despite feeling that it is not held in high regard. APPARENTLY. In that case, there’s a lot of Kylie Minogue in my playlist and her sweet angel pop beats are what get me through long days in the warehouse. 

9. Tattoos? I have two, acquired at ages 18 and 27. No immediate plans for any more. 

10. Favorite color? Purple, orange, pink, blue. The sunset or sunrise, basically. 

11. Things people do that drive you crazy? Share propaganda news articles and posts on Facebook, and believe them without ever reading or researching any of the content. Choosing not to outright apologize, even when they’re admitting to having done something wrong (just say the words “I’m sorry”). 

12. Any phobias? I have emetophobia, which entails extreme fear surrounding the concept and act of vomiting, as well as seeing it. I struggled a lot with it for much of my life, but I was honest with people about it and got the support I needed to cope with it in my everyday life. 

13. Favorite childhood sport? I never excelled in anything athletic as a child, but my brother played baseball and so I went to a lot of games. I remember being good at European Handball the one gym class we got to play it, before the school decided it was unsafe. 

14. Do you talk to yourself? Not aloud, usually. I get pretty animated in the car when I’m alone, though. 

15. What movies do you adore? The animated Anastasia. Nottinghill. Nightmare Before Christmas. I’ve watched Café de Flore a few times. I don’t like watching movies alone, so I’ve not seen many in the last few years other than horror flicks. I like the films from the Ed & Lorraine Warren collection. 

16. Do you like puzzles? I did them constantly as a kid, but haven’t touched one in years. 

17. Favorite kind of music? Feel-good pop, indie, alternative, French pop. 

18. Tea or coffee? A decaf orange pekoe tea with two to three sugars and lactose free milk is how I begin most mornings. 

19. What’s the first thing you remember you wanted to be when you grew up? An archaeologist. My brother’s a giant nerd; we watched a lot of documentaries.

42. favourite book(s)

Ha! I actually have a definitive answer for that! My favorite book of all time is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón. It’s a Spanish historical fiction (that I’m yet to try reading in Spanish) about a boy who finds a book (in the cemetery of forgotten books!) and falls in love with it, just to find out that all other copies of books by that author are being found and burned down. It’s mysterious and so, so enthralling. It’s the first book in a series, but they all work independently and this year I read the 4th and last one and going back to that world felt like home. This author makes me feel so much! Marina is also an amazing one by him and because this year I’ve been trying to learn some more Spanish I picked this one up in its original language and for the purposes of practicing pronunciation I read the whole thing out loud, so me at 3am SOBBING in Spanish was definitely a look.

How DARE you. There are so many to choose from! YOU DIDNT EVEN SPECIFY AN ALBUM.

1. I’m Only Me (When I’m With You) - in 2009, I made my first year montage video using photos and videos I’d taken throughout the year and this is the song I used. I’ve continued making those videos each year ever since and they’re my favourite things to look back on because they catalogue the life I’ve lived and the people who have been a part of it along the way.

2. Long Live - this makes me think of the girl who was my best friend my final year of high school. Long live, the walls we crashed through... I had the time of my life, fighting dragons with you. We went through a lot of shit that year and listened to a lot of Taylor Swift on road trips in her first car. I am so proud to still know and love that girl as the incredible woman she is today. (Also Mine, which we sang as You are the best friend that’s ever been mine.)

3. Shake It Off - this was a summer song for me, the year my goddaughter’s family got a trampoline. We spent so much time together that year and my relationship with her (and her brothers) evolved. Having my first car and being trusted to drive them places felt so important. I think that was the summer before I got sick, but I’m not sure. I made a montage of some of our trampoline jumping videos to this song.

4. Don’t Blame Me - I got caught in that wave of not liking Taylor Swift in my early twenties and I was an asshole for believing some of the things I did. The dialogue of negativity was so loud and I wasn’t strong enough to ignore it. Reputation brought me back and the album was the only CD played in my car for months. I learned a lot about feminism and the media and my own beliefs in that time period. This was my most played song from that album.

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole?

               There are a few concepts I wouldn’t write because they’re either not my experience to tell or because someone close to me has been through a similar ordeal and writing about it is incredibly triggering. If you look at much of my work, even if the original content discusses rape or sexual assault, I don’t ever explicitly mention it in my own writing. While I believe wholeheartedly that storytelling creates a place of healing, I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable feeling like I’ve adopted a story that should’ve been told by someone else. If that makes sense? 

5.  Share one of your strengths.

               This question is difficult because even if I thrive on words of affirmation, my own expectations of myself are ridiculously high and near impossible to reach half the time. I’m still learning how to see value in myself and the things I create. I’ve been told (mostly by you) that I’m good at world-building and being mindful of where a character is in the space around them. 

15. If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?