#vanilladating

I’m having more dilemma with new guy because I really want to see him but I’m worried that if I make the “first move” (since our dinner date 3 nights ago), I’ll be losing some of my ‘power’ (as a potential SB)...

It seems clear to me that I don’t want to be his sugar baby... I want to be his girlfriend...

(Oh God, shoot me now.)

Well, anyway, my assumption was that SBs never do the chasing...

*sigh... I’m obviously starved for affection and companionship... Maybe I should just leave it at that and stop trying to maneuver this potential relationship into a profitable one...

I need to research more about how SBGFs get meaningful companionship from their SDBFs and gifts... For me, these two objectives are conflicting and that’s probably because women have been shamed about wanting things from men since the beginning of time... I’ve got to get over this.

I feel like I’m playing a game with him... Its so much work... I rather just spend time with him at his place... but, all intelligent sex workers know that you could easily be giving up your ‘bargaining’ power with a man once you do that...

I need advice!

I see why so many sugar babies on Tumblr say you should be careful of catching feelings and focus on the money instead... (”F*ck love!!!”) I guess I really don’t want the money. I want a meaningful relationship and not a “job” as a sugar baby / sex worker (because this sh*t is definitely a lot of work).

However, one thing I am sure of is that I don’t want to be abused or taken for granted in another relationship.  :/  If a man is going to put me through hell, I need to come out of the relationship not empty-handed... Which is why I need to start receiving support now!

... I wonder if all these feelings of ‘wanting’ are just a need for a man’s validation and not totally real and organic... I cannot tell the difference... I cannot tell if I am wanting him to chase after me for confirmation that I am worthy or if I genuinely want his affection...

And to answer the question (now that I’ve posed the question), I think I genuinely want to sit next to him on the couch "hugged up” under him. 😊 I don’t even like to cuddle but just the thought of his warm body next to mine, wanting me there, makes me smile.

... oh shit...

All guys are assholes and I am so done wasting my time on the ones who don’t pay me. These guys will make you lose focus on your goals, make you think they’ll take care of you when they really can’t and if you don’t have a financial safety net you will end up being their baby for free because you have no other choice. A woman should never have to swallow her anger and pride just so she won’t be homeless. Vanilla did make me mindful something valuable; I am free because I can move literally anywhere in the world and be taken care of, he’s not, and fuck if I’m going to hitch my wagon to that.