#vampqueue

thinking about how we know kim dokja has always been dissociating and how that led him to create a rift between him and his companions by never allowing himself to think he was truly a friend . and we also know the fourth wall is a manifestation of this. but also thinking about how its used to show just how far removed kdj is. idk if anyone else agrees but when u think about it , isnt using the fourth wall on someone, especially a friend, a violation of their privacy and autonomy? if u had the choice would u read ur friends thoughts ? would u control their actions ? would u watch them in secret ? would u allow urself to think u are so inherently far removed from the people who choose to be with u that u would do that ?

love every single inch of my wife wawawa ... the little curly hairs on the back of ur neck . the beauty mark under ur eye , the one right in the center of ur nape , on ur arms . the shape of ur hands . ur long pretty lashes . ur perfect eyebrows . the look u make when ur focusing . the way u look at me when ur about to say "ur so cute" . ur voice when ur tired and falling asleep or just waking up . ur gorgeous long legs . ur facial hair , tummy hair , chest hair , or body hair in general . the way ur so warm . the way ur skin is so soft . all of ur piercings . ur tattoos . the bump on ur nose . the color of ur eyes and how they look almost green in the light . ur muscles and how u light up when i tell u how strong u are , how wide ur shoulders are . the way ut hair gets so fluffy , and how u look so adorable in ur hair towel . all of u . so irresistable and beautiful and handsome . all for me . mine mine mine .

I hate myself so much . I hate that I am so so rotten .

making the baby (/hj) alter buy weed is so funny . go my miku retrieve drugs for us

i HATE being stupid i hate ir inhate it so fucking much . i hate that km so fucking dumb . i hate that nobody helped me and now noone believes me and everhone always talks about how if u have an ID u would 100% be diagnosed because uts impossible to miss and everyone wouldbe been so inconvenienced by unthat u Have to have been diagnosed as a child BUT NOONE CARED . NOBODY CARED ABOUT ME . a Psychologist told everyone i was having hallucinations and delusions and i was too dumb and autistic and i NEEDED to be in iep but nobody cared . my mom wouldnt sign the fuxking paper . nobody helped me and gor me into iep . it was one paper all they had to do was sign one paper and instead i had to suffer not knowing for so long . i kept getting beat up and in trouble when i fought back . i got jumped and the elementary school tried to expell me for sexual assualt on the other kid bc i bit her when they were choking me on the ground and i got so much gravel in my eyes i couldnt see right for months . all anyone did was take my toys and my books even tho i thought it wojld make me a good kid if i tried to read good and they took away my field trips for not doing homework that i couldnt read or undersyand and still noone heloed me they just sent me to the school psychologist everh wednesday for 20 minutes so i could cey about how much i wanted to die for being dumb and non white and a freak . they let me get screamed at every day at school by my teachers for heing dunb and noone signed the stupif fucking paper . it wasnt my fault . i didnt know ut wasnt my fault . i wanted to be a good kid i tried so hard . i tried to be pretty and funny and smart and i failed i couldnt do ut it wasnt my fault . and rhey fuckung . they just sent me to middle school and high school and i failed all of it . i failed every eingle year . i failed and i failed and i failed and when i tried to make everyones lives easier by dissapearing feon school all i got was ripped away from anyone that loved me even tho i was stupid . nobody fucking believed me . i wanted to have good grades i wanted to go to class i wanted to . i wanted to do jt . i fought so hard and i hurt myself so bad doubg credit recovery so i coukd grsduate even rho it was "cheating" and i wasnt even allowed ro be happy or eat cake i just "should have done it right from the start" . those few months in credit recovery where the teachers treated me like a person and let me be dumb and passed me even when i couldnt do it were the only times i felt like a human in school . finally i had 1 on 1 helo and it was just temporary because they never processed my iep paperwork i fought so hard to get once we moved and i was 16 and they didnt let me . i tell my parents how hard i was struggling and how all those 10s of tomes i tried to kill myself itbwasnbecause noone believed me and they still think jm making it up . they ghink im dumb NOW because of the car accident but i was always etupid and noone listened . now im fuckinv . noone helped me when it was possible and theres nothing i can ro . noone diagnoses ID in adults . noone cares that i will NEVER be able to do math or read paperwrk but in ficking droening in it everyone needs m3 to do math but i dont even understand numbers and i cant read what theyre asking me and i never should have been allowed to manage my bank or ssi on my own but there is NO help for people who got left behind by my own pwrents like this . ssi is just counting on when i inevitably make a mistake and sign the wrong form or put the wrong number so they can take all the money away but they wont help me ro it right and maybe some of my submitted paperwork is wrong too i dont know ill never know because im too fucking stupif to get jt . and yk what the worsy part is . its gettingbworse . im getting dumber its getting worse . in so lost i dont know what to do . i dont know ehat to do . i stoll want to be a good kid but i cant

i thought itd cheer me up a little to very gently work on my knitting since its been so easy but i fucked up so bad i literally donf wanna touch it anymore for awhile im . so upset with myself . and i guess gently sewing jn bed was too much cause i started getting super feverish again and i feel extremely nauseated and i dont have any zofran and im . i dont wanna wake up in pain tomorrow and im extremely sensitive j keep randomly bursting jnto tears in so sad and si guilty i hate this i hage nyself i just wish i eas better . those two left me and my mom to go tk the arcade without even sayinv anytbing