#utkarsh

“I’m going to miss you when you are on tour, but the month will fly by and before you know it, we’ll be back up here.” 

You smiled up at him as he held you, trying to keep a brave face because  Lin was leaving in the middle of the week for Barcelona.

“Yeah… about that…” He sat up, moved away from you and cleared his throat.  Then, he looked at you. 

“I think we need to take a break.”

You weren’t sure you’d heard him correctly when he said it.  The smile on your face was frozen in place.

“What?”

“Well, I was talking to Chris...and… Well, I’m not sure that I want to shut myself off from the possibilities in Spain…”

You took a second to process, then you got it. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.  

“Chris told you to dump me so you can go be a hoe in Spain?”

Lin shook his head and frowned.  

“No, no… it wasn’t like that. Chris loves you.  He just asked me some very tough questions about us being apart for a month, and I- I don’t want to hurt you…”

You got up, and grabbed your bottle of wine.

“Might as well do it now, instead of later, hunh?” 

“I think it’s for the best. I’m sorry….”

You were numb. 

“I can’t believe I stuck by you through all the starving artist bullshit, rooftop dates instead of going out, streaming movies instead of seeing shows....”  

You stopped, because you were getting heated, and when you got heated you cried, and you refused to cry in front of Lin.

“To expect you to stick by me for four weeks while you’re in Spain is too much to ask. I guess..” 

You straightened your spine and held your head up.  

“I guess I know that this wasn’t what I thought it was.”

“Have a nice life Lin. When you leave, do not knock on my door. Just go straight to hell.”

-----

Fuck Lin Manuel Miranda

His damn hair, fucking long eyelashes, the little dimples he gets when he gets that little smirk on his fucking stupid beautiful face.

The view from beneath him. Those goddamn lips.

Mutherfukin Lin Manuel Miranda.

You’d let him charm his way into your heart and into your pants. And damn, what he had in his pants gave you so much joy. 

The fact that you were crying was not for Lin.  You were crying for being too trusting and too liberal with your heart.  

You weren’t going to let anyone have a chance to break it again. 

Yes, that was the reason. 

You didn’t miss Lin at all.

-----

Mayra gave you the long weekend to be pitiful, and then you had to get back on your grind, and moving on with your life without Lin.

Your best friend since middle school felt guilty because she’d introduced you to him, a friend of a friend, one night at a bowling alley.  

You and Lin had hit it off immediately. Very immediately, in fact, and were inseparable for a solid 8 months.

But despite feeling bad about it, Mayra wasn’t about to let you mope around and waste your life missing him. And she was right.

Lin left for Barcelona on a Wednesday, and by Saturday night, you were out with Mayra, mingling and meeting new people. 

Mayra’s scene wasn’t your scene, but everybody was nice, fun, and attractive.  You weren’t really with it, but you’d be damned if you were going to wither away in your room.

You had just finished dancing with Mayra and her friends and you needed to sit this one out. 

The 6-inch heels you were wearing and the blazer over lingerie top look was not a good combination for vigorous dancing.  

You were hot and your feet were killing you.

You nursed your drink and watched your bestie having fun, when someone approached you.

Gorgeous lips, caramel skin and stunning brown eyes sized you up. 

Why is it always the eyes? You felt something that you weren’t too sure about.

“I like the way you make that pink push up bra look intellectual.”

Curious and amused, you looked into the brown eyes and laughed.

“I’m Billie.”

She extended her hand and you shook it. You knew what kind of bar this was, but you weren’t expecting this. 

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Oh.  I’m, I’m not…”

Billie flashed a gorgeous smile at you.

“Relax. You’re cute, but I can tell, you ain’t ready for this yet.  I just had to come say hi, though.  Drinks....As friends?”

You accepted and spent the night dying laughing at your new friend’s witticisms.

----

The next week, you were chilling with Billie at the crib, along with a bunch of other folks that Mayra had invited over.  

You were on the roof, telling her all about Lin, and you started to cry again.

“...And then he just, breaks up with me because he wants to go to Spain and fuck Spanish FLS groupies…..”

It was about the 10th time that you’d cried about it. You were tired of hearing yourself.  Billie just rubbed your back and listened. 

“I would never put up with that from a man. And you shouldn’t either.”

 When you started sobbing, she apologized. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s…... okay….”  you gasped, trying to calm down.

She hugged you, rubbing your back and pressing you close.  

You felt some kind of way and pulled back.

“Bill… I don’t want to lead you on.”

Billie just smiled that gorgeous smile. 

“It’s cool. No stress. I’m just here to listen. Let’s go back downstairs.”

You nodded and rejoined the party, feeling more comfortable with Billie than before, partly because she was giving you some space.  

You couldn’t help but sneak glances as she mingled with everyone at the party and when your eyes met. Whew.

Who knew?

----

The next week, you were in your apartment with Billie again, this time, alone.

You’d invited her over, because she was quickly becoming the person you most liked to talk to and you hadn’t really talked in person since the previous weekend.

You gave her a glass of wine and settled down onto the couch, comfortable in your tank top and sweatpants.  Not seductive at all.

Billie looked cute as always in button down blue silk shirt and jeans with her hair up. 

“I want to apologize for last week. I just vomited my emotions all over you and you were nothing but amazing about it.”

Billie laughed. She was so damn beautiful.

“I told you no worries!”

“Can I ask you a question? Why are you doing all this for me?”

Billie took a drink and set her glass down on the coffee table. She leaned back on the couch.

“Do you mean do I have any ulterior motives?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, no question that I think you are attractive, and that I would love…”  

She shook her head and straightened up.

“But, I’ve fallen for enough straight-but not so straight women to know that I should let you make the first move.”

She bit her lip and you put your wine down because it was making you warm.

You reached for and grabbed her hand. You shifted it to entwine your fingers with hers.

You kissed her palm and drew her closer to you, her hovering over you on the couch. She didn't move, forcing you to bring your neck up to kiss her lips tentatively and softly. 

You wrapped your arms around her waist and brought her body down to rest next to yours on the couch and looked into her eyes. You ran your hand down the side of her body, feeling all of her curves. And you moved to kiss her again. 

This time her soft lips opened to accept your tongue and you played hide and seek, exploring.

You pulled back to look at her again, giggling now, a smile plastered on her face. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to do that for two weeks,” Billie whispered in your ear before kissing your neck. 

Her fingers rubbed teasingly at the skin where your tank top had ridden up, and rotated around to your ass, fingers slipping into the back of your sweats. 

You moaned softly as she tugged your earlobe between her teeth and then kissed along your jawline.

You wanted to feel her, so you brougt your hand up her side to feel her breast over her shirt, and found it warm and soft to the touch, except for the hardening nipples that you gently played with.

Looking into her eyes, you saw the desire there and leaned over to kiss her again. She kissed you back harder, pushing her hands deeper into your sweats and cupped your ass with both hands, kneading your flesh tenderly.

You wanted her to touch you at your core, but her teasing fingers never seemed to get there. 

Next, she moved one hand from your butt to pull up your tank top, exposing your nipple to the cool air of the room.

She took your breast in her hand and squeezed it, thumb running lightly over your nipple. You moan and leaned back while putting your hands in her hair.

Billie moaned and ran her thumb over your nipple and teased them until they were achingly hard and sensitive. 

When she leaned down and kissed the top of your breast, making her way slowly, oh so slowly to your nipple, it caused your pussy to ache and throb while soaking your panties.

You groaned in frustration as she continued to tease you for a while before her mouth reached your nipple, moaning around it and sucking gently at first before picking up intensity. 

Her hand moved to the front of your pants, tracing your wet lips through your panties but applying no pressure. 

You were a moaning, quivering mess as you rocked against her fingers, trying to get what you needed.

Billie separated from you to take off her shirt, smiling at you as you shed your clothes. 

She looked over your body and brought her eyes up to yours, smiled into them, and took your face in her hands.

Next, those hands roamed down your body, circling slowly, grasping gently here and there, teasing you to a soaking wet mess on the couch cushions.

“Please!” you whispered, squirming in agony.

Billie chuckled and held your gaze as her hand finally rested in your core, lightly pinching your clit between her fingers. She just played with it as you moaned beneath her.

“I love watching you like this,” she whispered as she teased you some more. “Do you like it?”

She looked so cute as she asked, but all you can do is nod and bite your lip.

She smiled at you and lowered her head to your skin while you watched intently. She kissed and sucked at the skin on your stomach and thighs, looking up to establish eye contact again and again.

You whined and tried to keep still as she neared your core and gently opened your thighs. She looked at you for the longest time before her mouth met your pussy and finally licked through your folds.

You shuddered, already almost cuming as you waited for more.

She kept eye contact with you as she sucked your clit gently, humming while you quivered in her mouth. She then traced her tongue around your entire cunt, kissing and sucking those lips gently, but expertly.

Finally, she manipulated your clit with her tongue, and alternated that with inserting it far inside you as she could go.

When she sucked hard at it, you came, feeling like you never had before.

Somehow, you wound up on the floor in her arms. 

And the night had just begun.

 -----

May 2012

You walked home slowly from the subway, trying to think of a good reason not to get there. 

You felt like throwing up, knowing that Lin would be there on your rooftop with the rest of FLS. You did not want to face him.

It had been almost two months since you last saw him and you were having fun with Billie. She stopped you from wondering just who you were. The love you had for her was real.

But there was some reason, which you did not want to name, that caused you not to want to see Lin. 

You saw his face often enough when you awoke, in that space between dream and reality.  That was sufficient torture, aside from having to see him in person at an event that was supposed to be fun.

But Mayra had started to harass you two weeks ago.

"Come on! You've got to be there on my birthday. I’ll make sure Lin doesn't bother you, but UTK won’t come without him and I’m trying to get that D again.  I need it to survive. Don't you love me?” 

She pouted at you and when that didn’t seem to work, she resorted to outright threats. 

“I’ll never speak to you again if you don't come.”  

This continued every day until the party.

Being trapped on a rooftop with Lin for three hours wasn't your idea of fun. 

Anymore. 

And to top it off, Billie had to work tonight. This sucked big time. But you had decided to be there for your friend.

"She better know I love her, " you whispered to yourself as you stepped out on the roof.

You were greeted by Chris almost as soon as you arrived. He enveloped you in a bear hug. You stiffly hugged him back. You still felt some kinda way.

He held you away from him. 

"You look good, girl, long time no see!”

You nodded at him stiffly. “How have you been?"

"Oh, you know, promoting and stuff. The Spain trip was good."

You nodded again and looked around the roof.

“He told me he would stay away from you.”

You looked back at Chris. “Who?”

“You know who.”  You just smiled tightly and looked down.

“What’s up with you?” His voice was suspicious.

You looked up and stared him straight in the eye, not wanting to be intimidated.

“I don’t know Chris? Just maybe you told my boyfriend to break up with me so he could hoe around Europe with you guys. That was a little annoying.”

Chris raised his arms in self defense.

“Wait a minute, Missy.  I did not tell him that.  What I told him was that if he could not definitely, without a doubt, be true to you, that he needed to be straight with you. If he had any doubts at all. That you deserved better.”

You just look up at this big, sweet man and willed yourself not to cry.

“Oh.” That was all you could say.

“But maybe I shouldn’t have said anything because he fucked that whole conversation up and wound up sulking the entire trip. All of his freestyles were about you, you know.”

“I don’t care Chris, because you’re right.  He did fuck up. I’ve moved on.” You held your chin high.

Chris smiled at you. “Too bad for Lin. Your new man is a lucky guy.”

You smiled back. “My new woman is a lucky girl.”

“Oh.” That was all he could say. He recovered quickly however.  “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Thanks friend.” 

You smiled and gave him a hug, feeling better about a lot of things. Lin Manuel Miranda was a world class idiot.

You grabbed a red solo cup full of something and stood at the railing looking over the city.

"Heyyyy, what's crackin'?" 

You turned around to see Utkarsh  standing behind you. You smiled at him.

 "Hey UTK! What it do?"

"Well, give me a hug. I’ve missed you, too. Mayra won’t let me near you since we’ve been back, I don’t know why.”

You knew why. You hadn't really wanted to see any of the FLS guys since you and Lin broke up.

You hugged him. "She’s probably jealous of our love." You smiled at your friend.

“Right.” Utkarsh smiled at you. Then he frowned. 

“Wait, why would she be jealous?  She said she and I were just friends…” 

You laughed at his back as he went to find Mayra.  Well, you’d manage to wingman without even trying.  Your job should be done for the night. You turned around to leave, running right into Mayra.

"Happy birthday, Bitch!" You squealed and hugged her.

"Thank you, boo! I didn't think you would actually come! I'm so happy!"

"You mean I had a choice? I seem to remember some very specific and lethal threats if I didn't get my ass on this roof tonight."

"No, it's because you love me." Mayra made a face at you. 

"But seriously though. The roof is big enough that you don't have to be near Lin if you don't want to. Try to have a good time."

"Girl, I'm going to have a blast! As long as there is booze and music, I'm good to go." You lied to your bestie.

"Okay girl, do you want me to stay with you so no one will bother you?" 

You knew what she meant.

"No girl, I don't need a bodyguard. Have fun, mingle, be a good hostess. I'll be fine."

You pushed Mayra away from you.

You sighed and walked toward the bar. Before you made it there, you were enveloped in Shockwave and Jelly Donut. They both hugged you, making a sandwich.

"Guys, I can't breathe!" 

They released you, laughing. Shockwave got right to it.

“You know It killed Lin when you two broke up. He was a bitch in Spain."

Your heart clenched. 

"Listen, I don't want to talk about it. I'm just here to have a good time for Mayra. Can we just chill with all that?"

"Okay, okay. I had to try. I know he's an idiot, but..." Sully barreled on. Andrew started poking him in the side. 

"What???”  Andrew gave Sully a look and he was chastened.

“Sorry love. We'll let you go mingle.”

"Yes, thank you." 

You felt like getting good and drunk. You looked at your phone and saw that there were two and a half hours left of the party. Might as well start now. You downed your drink and went to get another.

You ran into Arthur. He winked at you as you apologized. 

"No worries, you better eat something if you are going to drink like that. You can't hang with the big boys like me."

You rolled your eyes and finished the second drink. 

“You’re skinnier than I am, tuh.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about when I say big boy.” 

You looked at him in shock, and then burst out laughing. You loved these guys. Too bad Lin got them in the break up.

You sighed and began working on your third drink.

--------

Lin spotted you when you first stepped on the roof. He moved out of your line of sight and watched as Chris talked to you.

Geez, you were fine as hell. The dress you were wearing was everything and the heels made your ass pop. Damn.

He went and got a drink, still watching you. He felt like a stalker. Chris came over.

"I tried to get her to talk to you, but she wasn't having it." 

They both watched you and UTK talking. 

"Man, you are an idiot. You're lucky you're my brother, or I would kick your ass for letting that go."

“Thanks, my guy.” Lin’s reply was dripping with sarcasm.

“Any time. Next time listen with your big boy brain before you do something that dumb.” 

Lin was ready to fight. Luckily, Chris left. Then UTK came up, talking shit.

"Lin, you douche! How could you be so dumb, man?” 

They watched the Jelly/Shockwave/You sandwich.

"Leave me the fuck alone." 

Lin moved to the other side of the roof where Sully came up to him.  Lin put his hands up.  

“Before you say it, I'm going to stay out of her way. I'm not trying to ruin Mayra’s party. Just about two hours to go."

“Good, because you have fucked this one up royally.” Sully shook his head as Lin stalked off.

----

After some drinks, you started to loosen up and have fun. You danced with Mayra and all of FLS minus one.

You thought you saw Lin a couple of times out of the corner of your eye, but when you looked, he was gone. Every time that happened, you went and got a drink.

By the end of the night, you were looking at the sky and trying to sober up.

"The sky is beautiful tonight."

You jumped. Lin was there, watching you. You just looked at him and started back downstairs.

"Don't leave, please. Let me talk to you."

He followed you down to your apartment.

"You said all there was to say. I'm done."

You put your arms around yourself. All of a sudden you were cold. You stared Lin down, but he didn’t budge.

"What do you want, Lin?"

He sighed. This isn't going to be easy, he thought. He looked into your beautiful eyes and decided to go for it. There was nothing left to lose.

"Honestly? I want you back." His heart was in his throat as he said it.

You closed your eyes. You couldn't go there. No matter what your heart was doing in your chest.

"No. No, you do what you did and you want me to come back? To trust you? You promised you wouldn't hurt me. I can't with you Lin, I just can't."

His heart actually hurt.

"I'm so sorry…. "

You didn't let him finish. 

"Please! Don't give me the same tired old clichés every dude gives their girl when they fuck up!"

You were far from cold now. 

"If I took you back, what's gonna happen the next time you go on tour? I am not a yo-yo Lin!"

Lin reached for you. "It's not going to happen again, I've learned...."

"Don't fucking touch me! You have some muthafuckin nerve!"

Lin kept moving toward you.

"Back the fuck up! Don't come near me! Get off of me!" 

You began hitting him when he took you in his arms.

"Tell me that you don't want me to hold you, that you don't want to be with me. Tell me you don't miss us, this. Tell me that you don't want me to and I'll leave you alone."

Lin pressed himself against you, and you stopped fighting. You melted on the inside. The alcohol had you loose. Suddenly you had a thought.

"Fuck it. You're right. I have missed you." 

You moaned as he put his lips on your neck. You wanted him so badly. 

"Let's go in here." You nodded toward your bedroom.

Lin's heart leapt and he gladly followed you.

You attacked him when you got inside. 

"Whoa, hold up...."

"No, let's do it. Don't say anything or I will change my mind." 

You turned around, pulled your dress up, got on the bed and bent over, ass in the air. 

"Fuck me, Lin. Please."

Lin was confused. One minute you were fighting him, next you were begging for it. But he wasn't going to argue. He wanted you too bad. He moved your panties to the side, took out his hard cock and quickly and roughly entered your warm, tight goodness.

The stretch hurt a little, but it was welcome. It had been a while since you had taken a cock and Lin’s was your favorite. 

You became wet rapidly, and although you wanted Lin to hurt you as a sort of penance, it felt amazing.

"Ohhh, you feel so good. Shit! I've missed this. So tight for me…” 

Lin moaned through his dick wanting to explode.  He hadn’t had anyone else since you, for about three months.

"I said don't talk!" 

You were trying to blank your mind of what you were doing.

Lin felt like right now he was in heaven, and heaven was you. Lin shut up and started giving it to you harder, just like he knew you liked. He smacked your ass, hard.

"Yes, yes, yes. Oh yes!" 

You quivered, especially when he smacked it. Forceful Lin was one of your favorite Lins. Damn. You savored the contact as Lin, all of his manhood, hit your spot. 

It felt so damn good after so much emotion and time.

To Lin, all that mattered was you right now. He fought not to come until he felt your body pounding with your orgasm.

Almost as soon as it was over, you turned around and looked at him. He looked up from buttoning up his pants and smiled. You could tell that he was thinking this was the beginning of your reunion. 

You leaned in and gave him a good, long kiss, preparing to give the greatest acting performance of your life.

"Goodbye, Lin. That was just what I needed. Have a good life."

His goddamn adorable face registered confusion.

"What? What do you mean?"

"This was closure. “

The way his face changed broke your heart.  But he’d broken yours.

Lin was stricken. "But,I love you. That's why I...."

You interrupted him. 

"It's not you, it's me. I needed that to get you out of my system. "

You looked at him coldly, a mess on the inside.

"That's not all we have. We love each other!” Lin was trying to make sense of the situation. 

“You're telling me that after this you don't want to get back together?" He couldn't believe what you were saying. 

"As far as getting back together, we're not. This didn't mean anything; I am drunk off my ass and I had a lapse in judgement. It's not going to go any further."

"But you love me, I know it." He reached for you.

You moved out of his reach and toward the door.

"I told you, I can't, I won't let my guard down again with anyone. I can't love anymore." 

Lin was looking at you with his mouth open.

You straightened your dress and left your room, ignoring the fact that Lin was calling your name. You were ready to be alone.

There, outside your door, was Billie.

-----

“Ok, dude. If we’re extending this situationship to include sleepovers, you’re gonna get all this hair bonnet realness. The sex is bomb, but I’m not going to work looking jacked up for some dick.” You came out of the bathroom, removing your shower cap to reveal your blue kente print/satin bonnet underneath.

Rafa put down his copy of Sula that he had picked up when you got in the shower, when he allowed you to get in the shower by yourself that is.

“Some dick? Some dick?” 

He stood up and moved to the edge of the bed and sat before you, covered in a towel and water droplets. And your hair bonnet, of course.

“You act like I've never seen a beautiful woman in a hair bonnet before? I’ve seen bonnets before, Holly. On the street, in the store, underneath me, riding me, with my hand on it while it’s owner was sucking my… dick.”

Rafael’s voice was a sexy drawl as he peeked under your towel. His eyebrow was arched and you knew exactly what he was up to. You looked over at the clock. It was already past midnight and you needed to be up at 5 am. You tried your best not to do two things: 1. get wet for him again and 2. name that feeling you felt when he mentioned himself and other women.

“Your bonnet has nothing to do with this dick being able to….” 

He pulled it out of his grey sweatpants and started stroking. It was big and mean looking, weeping at the slit. You licked your lips as you quickly failed number one and forgot about number two.

“...ruin you for any others.”  He was so fucking cocky.  You looked down again. You were so right.  

“Oh really?” It was just something to say to save face. You were, in fact, ruined for any other dick, but that wasn’t what this was supposed to be. It was casual sex between friends. You’d not admit anything otherwise to Rafa.

“Yes. Really.” 

He unhanded his member and pulled you closer by your hips, his face at the critical juncture. You connected with his hazel eyes and knew that he could feel your desire as his hands wrapped around your thighs to pull them apart.

He went under your towel and licked your thighs, tongue lightly grazing your lips and your clit, before going for the gold; lapping and sucking with gusto.

“W-w-we just went three rounds, Rafael. What are you trying to do to me?” The feeling of his mustache and beard nuzzling your tender flesh made your breath hitch while you whimpered.  It was almost pornographic. Your stutter and sounds were everything to him as you tangled your fingers in his hair.

He stopped just as you were building toward your peak.

“Fuck!” You tried to seem un-desperate. But Rafa was no fool.  He knew what you needed.

“I’m trying to see if your bonnet passes the Casal Test.  If it doesn’t, I know a brand that can hold up under pressure.You can tell your students you were up late doing a research study. 

You chuckled.  “Fuck you, Cash.”

“Yeah, that too.”

He pulled your towel and threw it on the floor. He looked at you like the devil himself as he slipped his sweats the rest of the way off and leaned back on his arms, waiting.  You watched his dick pulse in time with his heartbeat.  You cursed your lack of self control as you got on your knees and let him perform the first phase of his test, placing his hand on top of your bonnet, just as you bottomed out on his dick.

------

Afterward, as he held you before you went to sleep, he’d asked if you were utilizing the services of any other dick. He tried to sound cool about it if you were, but in fact he was oh so not cool with it.

It was dark, so he couldn’t see your smile as you answered, 

“No, it’s too exhausting trying to find other dick appointments, Casal. That’s why this whole thing started, remember?”

You couldn’t see his smile, but you could feel his deep breath as he relaxed and pulled you even closer.  He’d negotiated snuggling at the same time as sleeping over.

“Something like that…”  He sounded sleepy, but he was wide awake.

----

Rafael didn’t even pretend to be sleeping when your alarm went off at five.  You groaned, rolled over, and grabbed your phone, turning back over to smile at him.

“What are you doing awake?”  Rafael usually slept through your alarm, mumbled something only when you got out of bed, and then you didn’t hear from him until that afternoon, after school was out, or if he was feeling frisky, an ask for a selfie during lunchtime.

You would get dressed in your running gear as quietly as possible, throw your bag in your car, run his neighbourhood, and then just get in your car to your place to shower and change for school.  It worked out because the streets in his ‘hood were much safer to run. It was a selling point in the arrangement.

His beautiful smile responded to your query.  He really was fully awake.

“I’m coming with.”

“You’re coming with me to run.  You hate running.”

“I probably won’t be able to keep up with you, but I can walk Mia, and help you keep time.”

You looked at him incredulously. Then leaned over and felt his scalp, neck and chest.

Rafa laughed at you feeling all over his torso. “Holly! What the hell are you doing?”

“I’m checking for the bolts, or secret compartment or something. Someone snuck in here and replaced my… friend with a Westworld Host or sum shit.”

He caught your hesitation when you labeled him ‘friend.’  He wondered what was up with that, but he would find out soon enough when he told you what was up.

“Ha ha.  Let’s get going, you don’t want to be late for school do you?  Gotta get that 5k in and get changed and showered.”

You stared at Rafael Satiago Casal as he got dressed at five am to accompany you running.  This was bizarro world. But he was right.  You had to get it in before work.

The three of you were walking down the street and you were jogging slowly.  Rafa rolled his eyes and said, “Go ahead, I’ll be here when you circle back around. Don’t let me hold you back.”

It seemed as if the words held another meaning but you nodded and took off.  You passed him twice as you found your pace and rhythm. Twenty-five minutes later, as you made your way back to the house, you found him waiting for you in the driveway, right in front of your car. Mia was nowhere to be found.  Rafa must have put her inside. 

Rafa looked good as fuck in his black long-sleeved shirt and Adidas joggers. He was leaning against the wall, left foot up against it and right hand in his pocket. Fucking impeccable. Made you feel some kinda way.

You stopped and placed your hand on the hood of your compact SUV as you stretched your quads and hamstrings.  Rafa watched you appreciatively.  Your jogging gear was form fitting for a reason, that he knew, but right now he thought the sole reason was to torture him.

You went up to him to say goodbye. Before you could say anything, Rafa said something quickly, like he was fighting with himself.

“Can I have a kiss?”

You smiled.  “Sure?”  It wasn’t that you hadn’t kissed before, but it was usually in the heat of passion, leading to something, or because you wanted each other’s taste in your mouth.  Usually your kisses were filthy.

You leaned forward tentatively, and he did the same, eyes on your lips, face and eyes.  He hesitated just a little bit to pull back and look at you, making you want the contact more.  The mint from his toothpaste gently fanned over your mouth as he gently blew out a hitched breath.  Rafa tried to look for as long as he could before reaching out with the hand that wasn’t in his pocket, grabbing the small of your back and pulling you close to him, so that you were straddling his legs standing up.  You whimpered and that’s when he went in for the kiss.

His thumb brushed tremors into your back as he took his hand out of his pocket to grab your jaw, tongue dancing with your own, but dominant. After a good minute, he withdrew.  You rested your forehead against his to steady yourself.

“Whew. Um. Uh. Ok.”  You laughed quietly. “First you get up with me to exercise, now you are giving me good ass kisses for no reason.  What’s got into you?”

“Yeah. There are things that I said I’d never do for a romantic partner, but… the things you do for love.”  His eyes held yours for a minute until you got it.

“Wait. Love? What? Rafa…”

Rafael sighed and put both hands on your back, seemingly to keep you from escaping. “Yeah Holly. Love.” He looked down at your top and back up to you.  Good thing he was holding you, because your knees got weak.

“I know we agreed to no feels, but. I fucked up and fell in love with you.  I know that’s not what you want and I know this probably means the end of what we have, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore.  I couldn’t lie to you anymore.”

Rafa rested his forehead against yours once more. “ I think I’ve loved you ever since D and I walked into your classroom that morning. Seeing you with your kids is so fucking dope.  This arrangement just got me close to you and I thought I could handle it, but I can’t so I know this is the end..”

You pulled away and stepped back from him.  “Casal, are you breaking this off because you’re in love with me?”

“I’m sorry, Holly, I know you don’t feel the same, and I’m not strong enough to go on like this so… I guess, yeah.”

At this point, you had your hip cocked and your arms crossed, your foot tapping on the cobblestones of the driveway.

“For a genius, you’re so fucking dense!  It’s not hard to get dick, Rafael.  I just wanted yours. Because I’m attracted to you yes, but moreso because I... Shit Rafa. I love you too.”  You looked down and kicked at a loose rock, not daring to meet his eyes.

You looked back up at him to find him perplexed, brows knitted together trying to understand.  Then he looked up at you and gave you a sexy half-grin.

“Get that ass over here.”

“No. You just broke up with me. I’m a free woman.”

“Holly. Come here, now.”   He was leaning against the wall again. He was trying to be hard while his heart was growing three sizes

“I gotta go to work.”

“Vete aqui!  I’m not going to say it again.”  You knew what he meant, but you purposely misunderstood.

“What if I need you to say it again?”

His eyes softened.  “Holly, I love you.”  You heard the soft growl that was rough with emotion.

You couldn’t help but smile as you threw yourself into his arms. You gave him another kiss, and when you pulled away, he said it again, and again as he lapped at the sweat in your collar bone, again after you said it to him, again as he took you down to the ground where you sat on his lap and growing hardness. 

You started grinding on him as he started dipping his hands into the waistband of your jogging leggings, finding your butt cheeks and grabbing them, spreading them apart with his fingers.  You were so gone when you heard someone clearing their throat.  You two stopped what you were doing, and both of you looked over your shoulder as Utkarsh stuck his head out of his kitchen window.

“Morning Holly.” 

“Hey….”

“Listen, I’m glad that you two finally admitted what was so obvious to the rest of us, but take it inside if you’re not going to work. We got a kid in here, man.”  You heard the baby laughing at his daddy.

You dipped your head into Rafa’s chest, embarrassed as hell, as he moved his hands up your back.  He was cracking up. “You’re right UTK. Sorry for the show.”

Rafa got up and extended his hand to help you up.  You accepted it and ran back into his apartment, taking out your phone.  Rafa came in, looking at you dangerously as you heard Utkarsh say, “And put the fucking recycling in the right bin!”

When you hung up, Rafa said: “Was that your principal?”

“Yeah.”

 “What’d you tell her?” he asked, slowly moving toward you, hazel eyes dark.

“I told her I fell.”  Rafa threw his head back and laughed heartily. Then he stopped, serious.

“Get that ass over here.”

“Only if you say it again.”

———