#uninviting

Tanith Lee, from Death’s Master

απωθητικ - (adj) repulsive, offensive, uninviting, off-putting

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We spent so much time together. We spent so much time together that I rarely spent time with anyone else. Remember when we couldn't let a day pass without talking to each other at least once by whatever means possible? My days were filled with pieces of you. Remember how I relied on you for your opinions about everything that I was doing and thinking? Remember how I became so addicted to that? So trapped by that? Maybe this was a realization only I had when you disappeared and left me to my own devices. Or did you already know this and counted on my lack of clarity to give you an edge for me to step closer to? I had a fog lift recently. I had something click into place and I feel like I've changed without knowing exactly how to articulate it, or prove it to anyone else if they can't see it themselves. I had a particularly bad week a few months ago and I ended up with an unpredictable puppy and a whole heap of scattered motivational post-it notes. All of these things have been good. They're not even motivational, really, more like things that remind me not to fall into the same ill advised habits. I have a bad history falling for your immediate charm, don't I? But underneath it you hint subtly at my lack of intelligence and confidence and importance. Do you do that without knowing it, or is it intentional? Either way it's not helpful. I need to remember that. You're sitting with me now while I fill out a questionnaire, and we both question the questions. Should I be worried that I have so much difficulty giving straightforward answers to questions which I feel are too indirect? I want to get out a red pen and make notations as if I was a teacher with a student's submission, and then return it incomplete. I internalize a childish laugh and push the thought aside. I'd never be that challenging, and you know this. Maybe that's more telling of my character? That I don't give my opinion with any sort of authority as you do with yours? I'm not very smart or proud, but you are, and I envy that. I enjoy gardening, did I tell you? There is a garden I pass on my walk home from the bus stop and it's so shitty. I love it to bits. I wondered if this explains why I tend to harvest self-criticism and nurture a sense of inferiority? There's something really alluring about a thing which is misshapen and undisciplined. Every time I see that uninviting garden a smile infects my face. It's kind of beautiful.