#two even

Yes... YEASSSSS

oh just so bad on every level. as with a lot of the rejection scenarios, this confirms every single awful thing he has learned and knows about himself—except to a literal cosmic level that a lover or a wife wouldn't quite be able to reach. a rejection from a mate tells him that he is unworthy even of connection that is cosmically ordained, something is so deeply rotten in him that even someone made to be his couldn't find anything worthwhile in him, nobody will ever make the effort to see him or know him or love him because he is fundamentally undeserving of that. (his mother had it right after all.) this is like. genuinely unthinkable. there would be no recovering from this rejection. he would never be able to accept love from anyone after this i don't think, not even someone who genuinely loved him. because how could they? their goddess hand-picked someone for him, tied golden thread between them in their makings, and even that person could not love him. no one can.

the other issue is that this scrapes against his sense of entitlement. he has no misgivings—he is not entitled to love, or care, or tenderness, or anything of the sort. but he is entitled to things. and a mating bond, i think, would fall into that category. he is one of the most powerful males in prythian. he is the heir to the autumn throne. he is inherently deserving of something like this for his status alone. and i don't think it's that he ever cognitively thought: i want a mating bond. but i do think that the potential for one was a quiet comfort. maybe, one day, someone will come along, and they will be chosen for him, and they will be his, and they will address all the wounds he cannot linger on because otherwise they will become him, and he cannot afford for that to happen. this is a subconscious hope. but it's shattered by the rejection. he now cannot have this thing he is deserving of. and that makes him angry. anger is familiar. anger is much more comfortable than this awful grief he has known his whole life but no time worse than this.

if no one else knows this is his mate, he leans on that anger to get him through. he rationalizes the rejection as—good, now i don't have to worry about them, now no one can use such a blatant external vulnerability against me, now no one will hurt them for their attachment to me. and all of that is honestly a genuine relief to him. as much as all of it guts him, now what's his—no, they aren't his anymore, if they ever were—will always be safe from him because it will always be separate from him. he can live with a hole for a heart. he has endured terrible things, and this will not be what breaks him clean through. but be assured that it will break him irreparably. and holy shit, he is unforgivingly cold to them. regardless of the specifics of this situation, he is so cruel. he would still be there for them if they came to him for help for some reason because he can never turn his back fully on those he cares about no matter how they treat him, but he sure wouldn't be nice about it.

☆edgar allan poe☆ 《Bsd》

I dont have a title for this!!! But im very very proud of myself,i like to think i did good. Especially on those hands {one is lightly traced (but modified) from my real hand and the other is referenced}