HAPPY BELATED THIS WEEK IS FULL OF SPIDERS~

I haven't participated in this year's #twifos but I loved seeing everyone's contributions and knowing I'm not the only one who loves this weird, obscure but amazing book 💜💜

ily jdate fandom! don’t even change!

Since its free post day, have some overly sunny pictures of Molly that I just took.

(curly hair parted to the side is Good)

“Meaning, I think Dave and I gained the ability to peer into Hell. By the way, I wanna thank you for comin’ along, Dave, sort of being my wingman on this. “Hey, Dave. Dave and I aren’t that old combined. —from the journal of David Wong Book 1: They China Food CHAPTER 1 The Levitating “Jamaican” THEY SAY LOS Angeles is like The Wizard of Oz. My name is David, by the way. I’m David Wong. “Let’s move on,” Arnie said, probably making a mental note that this David Wong guy isn’t above just making shit up. How did your mind, David, know the thunder was coming? “Dave! “You like so few people, Dave. “David? “I can’t get out of my apartment, Dave. “It can’t be real, Dave. “Dave, I’m sorry to wake you up. No, David. “Dave, do not move. It seemed to make him pretty happy and then—Dave, the guy—I know I didn’t really see this—but the guy shrunk himself, made himself three feet tall. I’m tired of your—” “It’s not that easy, Dave. That stuff . . . Dave, I’m remembering things that haven’t happened ye—I mean, that didn’t happen. “Dave . . .” “All right, all right. “David? Welcome to freakdom, Dave. “I’m sorry, Dave. You’ll see it, David. I slowly hung it back on the cradle— “David Wong? “Dave? It was just you and Morgan in the mirror, Dave. “He’s not real, Dave. “Go, Dave. “Dave? “Where are you right now, Dave? “Dave? “Dave? “Dave? Get out, David. David? Molly barked, but I heard: We’re in big fuckin’ trouble, Dave. Dave, you gotta find it. Sorry, Dave. This wasn’t Dave thinking. Jesus, Dave. You know what I’m saying, Dave? Dave, you can have my CDs. Welcome aboard the David Wong Disappointment Train, fuckers. Very slowly and carefully Big Jim said to me, “What are you going to do with that, David? It said, “You are what you are, Dave, and that’s that. I know all about you, Dave. John said, “Dave! Jim said, “Think, David. Get Dave an overcoat to conceal the gun. “There was that one video where he was in different outfits and—” “For the last time, those were all different guys, Dave. “Dave, I have a plan. Show us the back entrance and we’ll—” “Dave! John said, “Dave, you remember the words to ‘Camel Holocaust’? Jen, just repeat everything Dave sings, only like one second behind. CHAPTER 7 Arnie Thinks David Is Full of Shit I STOPPED TALKING, only to notice Arnie Blondestone was staring at me in wide-eyed, silent horror. If I had fallen in there, you’d be able to go back and see that my mom never had a male child and she never named him ‘David’ and we wouldn’t be sitting here right now. “But man, the stands were full, Dave. “They were free, Dave. This new version that blared over the speakers of a busy shopping mall (though only I heard it, of course) was a list of all my chronic sins and vices, a musical rundown of all the reasons I, David Wong, was destined for Hell. “Dave, glad I caught you. “Dave, we sat there and poked at Molly with a stick for exactly twenty-three minutes that one time before she even growled. “Dave, those guys could see her. “Well, Dave’s dog. Dave! I’ve seen them, Dave. “DAVE! John said, “They’re here, Dave. John said, “Dave, you got the gun. “Uh . . . Dave? “Dave, can you hear me? “David, if you’re still you at all, you know why I’m doing this. “Dave, here’s what I think. You know I won’t kill ya, Dave, but you jump or grab for her or anything, she’ll zap you and I’ll shoot you in the thigh. He said, “You’re David Wong? “David, you alone fully understand what is at stake here. So where did the other half hour go, Dave? “Dave? Wake up, David. “Oh, Dave. “Amy, Dave. “Do you not feel the need to learn people’s real names, Dave? They’re these eels that—” “Anyway, Dave, we’re at her house now. What you’re asking, said the irritating voice in my head, is whether or not you could have done it, Dave. “We’re talking about a tentacled flying lamp fucker, Dave. Oh, what did you put in your toolshed, Dave? That’s an actual girl’s actual blood, Dave. You never stop, Dave. “Dave? Come see David on the worst day of his life, destined for forever in jail or worse, still with fourteen bullets left to spend. John studied me for a moment, then said, “Well, Dave, I think one of the neighbors comes by to put out food and water in a bowl for her. This is Dave, the one you saw in your hallway. “Dave, we’ve made it this far. David’s here! You remember David! “I’m scared to death, David. She said, “David, what was it? “David, go. “David! “David! “David! “How did you—” “David,” she said, rolling her eyes, “they’re shadow people. “No, David—” “Amy, listen to me. David must have been here. They knew, David, they knew they’d have to take the hand off. “David? “They got some serious weird shit going on at the Drain Rooter plant, Dave. “Well there you go, Dave. I tossed in the towels and Tyler leaned over, whispering, “You’re a nice guy, Dave. Come on, David. “Come on, David. “David, you’re not—” “Listen. John said, “I dunno, Dave, but before we make a bomb I have to shave half the dog. “David, what possible good is that thing gonna do? “That’s not even the point, David. “David. “That’s one complicated dog, Dave. Then if we’re not back take my truck and—” “David, I can’t even drive. “Actually, Dave,” John said from behind me, “I think it’s always nighttime there. John said, “You’re gonna be looking at my fist, and then Dave’s dick, if you don’t—” “Take a moment and try to understand what you’ve seen,” North said. John, David, meet Korrok. David Wong, son of an insane prostitute and a mentally challenged Amway salesman. So tomorrow David Wong is dead, Amy Sullivan is alive? John said, “I know you don’t understand this, but you gotta realize that Dave and I saw you get killed not twenty minutes ago. I tried to imagine this article in Life in the USA magazine, complete with a big full-color photo of the wall with the caption, “These are the actual scuff marks that prove an unholy demon-engineered beast burst through a nearby door in order to prevent David Wong from passing through an invisible portal to a gargantuan secret complex with a path to an alternate reality inhabited by a race of half human beastmasters. The one Dave gave you? “Take the cross and touch Monster Dave with it. “Human Dave wouldn’t have said that! I hope you likes Chinese, Monster Dave. When we showed up at your house that was Monster Dave and it was Monster Dave thereafter. “How much do you remember, Monster Dave? There’s that missing bit from when I first showed up here—” “When you came here and shot the real Dave? “But you remember your—I mean Dave’s—childhood and all that. Amy, if you see Dave turn into any kind of monster, set him on fire. Dave, show Amy where the flammables are in this house. On the David Wong Social Awkwardness Scale, with “1” being going to the “Pickup” instead of “Order” counter at a restaurant and “10” being a guy getting caught on national TV ha**ng s*x with a dead baboon, I’d have to say that the following minutes alone with Amy rated about a 9.6. Dave, his picture was at the top of all those articles I printed out for you. “I can’t go back there, David. “Tied at two seventy-four, Monster Dave. *********************************************************** My name is David Wong, by the way. “Dave! My name is David Wong, I’m currently standing in my home. Dave, sorry I sent you all those pictures of my dick. “Dave! “Dave, they’re gonna come get us. “Come on, Dave. Dave, his right arm is broken. Over his shoulder he yelled, “DAVE! David! “David, were you there? “David…” “No, no. John said, “Dave? So after getting off the phone with Dave at the video store at three, John had spent an hour driving around in his Caddie and getting a sense of the situation around town. John reached into his backseat for the chainsaw, then realized there was no chainsaw in the backseat because he had forgotten to drop by Dave’s place to get it from his toolshed. He had time to think, Franky is alive and Dave doesn’t know it. “I hate when you get in these moods, David. He needed to get in touch with Dave. You guys need to get to David Wong’s house. He’s full of turkey now and I think he’s going to Dave’s place next. You sure you didn’t come with your friend David? I think David is at his house and if Franky is heading there, you want to get there first. Because you think Franky will hurt Dave. I was in for a brutal crash later, but that was Day David’s problem. Night David was trying to stay alive. I’m David Wong and I’m here with a special message about AMPHETAMINES. Got here just in time, he was raping Dave when I walked in. She couldn’t get David or John on the phone, and that was weird. David always picked up unless he was in the shower or his phone was dead, but she had been trying since early in the morning. He knew she didn’t call him unless it was a big deal and/or she couldn’t raise David. David had sounded so ominous the night before, getting in one of his moods where he thinks the whole world depends on him and that he’s about to let everyone down. David needed her and there were things you just couldn’t do over the phone or a webcam. The school was only 130 miles away but she didn’t drive and, quite frankly, David couldn’t afford to make the trip. It was no fun and David, more than most people, demanded distance. But, with David’s history, she had earned the right to assume the worst when she didn’t hear from him. Dave! TAKE DAVE’S BRONCO! Not every bad thing that happened revolved around David. Look, Sheila, Dave and I need a ride. “Yes, David—” “Listen to me! Now, we may have to come up there and stay with you for a bit, we can’t go back to town because—” “David. “Dave? Dave. Or had some soldier or cop been taking a shit when Dave burst in, so now the two of them were having a gunfight, pressed chest-to-chest in the tiny booth? 30 MINUTES EARLIER … A half hour earlier, while Dave and John were still trudging across a cornfield after having emerged from the water tower Porta-Potty … Amy was finding it hard to breathe. She’d show up at David’s front door with cupcakes and show him the blisters on her feet and he’d give her a hug and try to peel clothes off of her. “Yes, David—” “Listen to me! Now, we may have to come up there and stay with you for a bit, we can’t go back to town because—” “David. “David? The scene on the TV changed, and suddenly she was looking at David’s house and … Oh my God. Did David even know? Juggling the cupcake box so she could text with her one hand, she sent David a simple message: WHAT IS HAPPENING It said it was sent. She needed to sit, and breathe, and wait to hear from David, and focus on not crying. Didn’t David say they had made it out of town? At the exact same time both of them said, “Where’s David? It was just so freaking frustrating, David needed breaking out from a military zombie quarantine and his saviors couldn’t get a ride from Cinnabon. John’s friend Munch Lombard had not in fact fled the country in David’s truck as John instructed him, but simply went to his parents’ farm outside of town. All of that, between her and David. Soon, John was driving David’s Bronco, Munch in the passenger seat and Amy sitting in the smelly backseat. I mean David could be hurt or running away or who knows what. But either he’d tell her or he wouldn’t, she’d learned that she couldn’t press John like she could David. Not that John could criticize, because he knew better than any of them what was coming—what was really coming—and here he was, driving in the night in Dave’s beat-up Bronco, without so much as a flashlight in the way of emergency supplies. They were on the exit ramp headed to Amy’s campus when her phone chimed to announce a text message (by playing “One Night in Bangkok,” a private joke between her and Dave). From David. Amy said, “If David wrote that, I will eat this phone. I want you to seriously imagine those words coming out of Dave’s mouth. “Do you have any idea how mad David will be when he sees this? He tried to imagine Dave walking around the streets of Tokyo. David is still there. Tomorrow we’ll make some calls and go back and pick up David. Pick up David, John thought. 8 Days, 1 Hour Until the Massacre at Ffirth Asylum Amy couldn’t help but notice that after John had gone on and on about how tired he was and how he’d had no sleep because he was busy rescuing David the night before, he was still going strong at midnight. The crisis that David was stuck right in the middle of. Then she arrived at the visitor’s parking lot and found one under the windshield of David’s truck (and all of the other cars) and read it: Zombie nerds. She’d yell at David for eating while he drove, a Coke between his legs and a hamburger in one hand, steering with two fingers, at night. All she needed them to do was confirm that David was okay, even if she wasn’t allowed to see him or talk to him. Exhaust all means of contacting David. Write a paper letter addressed to the Undisclosed quarantine operation sent ATTN: David Wong. If David is in CDC custody, get him a care package. David and John knew him because their paths had crossed a few times. The problem would be figuring out how to find David once she was in there—if the government had him somewhere, they may not allow them to stay together since they’re not married. And oh, by the way, he wanted to say, he had been friends with David for ten years before Amy even knew his fucking name. Hopefully David isn’t there either way. Suddenly he’s all bluster, says if we don’t hear anything by SATURDAY NIGHT—one week after all this started—then he and I will go down to [Undisclosed] ourselves and break David out on Sunday. Where has David been sleeping that whole time? David wasn’t on it. Going to see David tomorrow one way or the other. She looked for antacid tablets for David, all those were gone but they had some tropical-flavored Tums that even in an emergency nobody would buy. She could have kept going around and around the store for the rest of the day thinking up things she and David might need, but she was already running late and if John arrived at the meeting site to find she wasn’t there, he might freak out. To see David. My boyfriend’s name is David Wong. My name is David. David Wong. “Now David, can’t you see that I do not know that? “David! “David. “I feel like I’m going to be sick, David. Past Dave was right—there was nothing to see. It was a process he and Dave had, the two of them rarely hitting low points at the same time, one always there to cheer the other up and to pull them off the sofa to go hit the “town” (Dave always made air quotes around “town” when referring to Undisclosed, since the party train only ran through two bars and Munch’s trailer. John glanced around, half expecting to see a disheveled Dave pulling himself up from some spot on the floor. The closest she had was David, and what if he was hurt or— “Excuse me, what’s your name? If that’s where David is, that’s where I want to be. but they came back to his cot twice after his interview, asking him his name, asking how he knew Dave and Amy, and so on. “I know you somehow…” “I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting, but I know your friend David. Wait, you said ‘know’ David, present tense. Is Dave still … around? “Wait, so you did talk to David? If David were here, but was infected, would he still be David? Say he still looked, spoke and acted like David, but was, in reality, an inhuman predator. And let’s say that they overpowered David, restrained him, defecated into his mouth and taped his mouth shut with duct tape, and left him there to writhe and slowly swallow feces all week, how would that make you feel? Now, if you had to choose, either to have Amy Sullivan gang-raped by twenty-seven infected males in town over the course of ten days, or to have David’s digestive tract surgically restructured so that his large intestine fed directly into his mouth, which would it be? You people released that thing in Dave’s house. “I checked the list on their Web site, David wasn’t on there at all. They seem to be burning them in some kind of primitive ritual—” “DAVID! “That’s David! Josh was still protesting, but Amy could have read David’s body language from outer space. That’s what I was doing and you stopped me and now I’m here and David is there and they’re going to heat it to four thousand degrees. But if it could, the closest translation of Molly’s name for her human, the one other humans called David, was “Meatsmell. “Dave’s girlfriend? “What about Dave? I don’t think Dave made it out. Me and Dave can do it, so can some other people around town. Which as Dave tried to explain to you, is the work of invisible monsters. “Dave thinks the monster stuff is a side effect, an accident. We look like a couple of assholes but Dave has actually worked really hard to put this together. “And what’s so special about you and David? John said, “Can we get to Dave’s place? This was something she had in common with David, though he didn’t realize it. Fine, you don’t care about David, you don’t care if he gets eaten by a zombie or burned up to ashes, but who knows how many more are in there? I’ll figure out a way to find David and anyone else who needs help in there and I’ll figure out a way to get them out and if I don’t, then I will die. 3 Hours Until the Massacre at Ffirth Asylum John couldn’t help but notice that, while all of Undisclosed appeared to be the aftermath of a post–Super Bowl riot in Detroit, if you had woken up in Dave’s neighborhood you wouldn’t have noticed any difference. The big change, of course, was where Dave’s little eleven-hundred-foot bungalow had previously stood, there now wasn’t much of anything. but instead Falconer led the way, striding into Dave’s yard like a man with a huge gun. When we buried it, Dave just threw the shovel like a javelin and said wherever it landed, that’s where we’d bury it. David also believed that, though he didn’t realize it. She suddenly realized that she’d rather have David or John, either one, armed with a baseball bat, than any of these guys and their video game hardware. David and John had a look in their eye when things went bad—a sad but resigned familiarity. A couple of months ago, Amy had come to stay with David over the long Labor Day weekend. David opened it and it had dog poop in it. David threatened the guy, slammed the door in his face. David doesn’t even answer the door, just calls the police again. The third time, David goes to the door and this time the guy says something to David, through the closed door. Whatever he said, it made David open the door. David looked inside, closed it, and threw it in the trash barrel outside. As the man drove away David yelled, “You ever come within a hundred feet of her again, and I’m gonna tear your throat out with my teeth. David sprang out of bed, grabbed that ridiculous crossbow that John bought him at a gun show, and charged out of the house. David shoots the pizza guy in the chest and the guy goes down, screaming. After all of the legal craziness, with charges filed by the guy and talk of a civil suit for his medical bills, Amy asked David what they’d do if the guy came back some night, in crazy mode. David’s answer? Dave once described taking a hit of Soy Sauce as like digging up one of those thick fiber-optic lines that feeds an entire city’s Internet connection and plugging it into your brain. And then the world was twisting and flowing around him, the scenery stretching past until he found himself back at Dave’s burned-out house, back in his own body, staring at Falconer and the unholy thing that had jumped down at him from the rooftop above. He’d have to tell Dave. Actually … He could find out if Dave was alive. He likely wouldn’t even comprehend what was happening before his severed skull was rolling in the dead leaves of Dave’s yard. John walked through Dave’s neighborhood and out into the life-size Undisclosed diorama. John had come hoping he could just get a look into the yard—if Dave was alive and outside, and if John could get a glimpse of him, that would be enough. If Dave was here and alive, then it seemed like a best-case scenario. None of the people standing in the yard were Dave, so he headed for the hospital itself. Fortunately the door was propped open so he wasn’t going to have to figure out some convoluted way in— Dave! And there was Molly, standing next to him, poised to start eating the beans with Dave’s attention diverted. Dave was alive. And while Dave could stand to lose some weight, he had lost it because he was in a prison camp against his will, eating cold beans and shit. “Dave? He leaned in closer and said, “Dave, I don’t know if you can hear me. No reaction from Dave, of course. But he eventually made it to the ground, landing with a jolt on the immovable grass, and started making his way back to Dave’s house. These were bona fide shadow men, just like he’d seen in the hospital security video, just as Dave saw in his bathroom recently, just as random folks around Undisclosed had been reporting off and on for as far back as written records were kept. John pressed on, toward Dave’s house, slower this time, glancing back over his wounded shoulder for trailing shadows. Back in Dave’s yard now, which was unfortunately exactly how he’d left it: with a deformed motherfucker swooping down on Falconer, ready to saw his body into pieces. Dave put it in the trunk of the Caddie while I was burning the house. “It just occurred to me that I could have written Dave a message on a wall using my own shit! He didn’t have any friends or family in Undisclosed, but hoped David was okay. And David is in there with them. Dave, go see the doc and get him to make up a jug of mouthwash. I mean, I’ve watched these things crawl right up to people’s faces and they couldn’t see them, but they can merge with your body in a way that somehow blends in, like it becomes just visible enough to—” “David, how can you of all people still be surprised when our eyes fail us? “Dave is alive. You realize, David, that other men do not find themselves in this kind of predicament with the same frequency that you do? The night before, he’d parted company with the Undisclosed zombie militia and made the nervous trek on foot from Dave’s house up to the burrito stand, only to find the Caddie was not in fact where they’d left it. Inside they’d have found the aforementioned shotgun (a custom-made triple-barrel sawed-off), two hundred shells, Dave’s blood-splattered chainsaw, the green mystery box taken from Dave’s shed, a bag of Dave’s clothes, a bottle of Grey Goose, a bad black velvet painting of Jesus and a fucking flamethrower. So, John had parked the tow truck, with the Caddie piggybacking, in a cornfield a mile or so from the water tower construction site, the REPER barricade now standing between there and where he’d spoken to Dave for the last time. “Killing David here will not assuage their panic. For all he knew, Dave could be no more than fifty feet away, on the other side of that chain link. “DAVE! “I’m just here to get Dave. David, there needs to be a sacrifice. She was just watching the feed as a spectator— David. It was David, plain as day, in a standoff with a big guy who looked really mad. What she was able to gather was that the guy flying the drone was asking for permission to fire from a superior, and then Amy realized that she wasn’t just watching this through a camera, but a gun camera, and that the gun was pointing right at David. On the video feed, the big guy raised a gun, pointing it right at David. Several excruciating minutes later, David was hauled away and taken inside the hospital building, and the camera view zoomed back out so that it could see the whole yard and, presumably, any zombies who tried to make a run for the fence. The next most likely one to make a run for the fence, however, was David, if she knew him at all. And David was not a zombie. This was not wishful thinking on her part—when David was talking to the big gun guy, he was gesturing and conversing exactly the way David had the last time she had talked to him. David was no more a zombie than he had been two weeks ago, and Amy had faith that the drone operator in fact did not know that. “Dave, why would they—” Ignoring him, I leaned my head down toward the basement window and yelled, “AMY! IT’S DAVE. Amy looked surprised, and said, “David, you don’t understand what it’s been like out there, out in the real world. Man, I wonder if the insurance will pay for my house getting bombed…” Amy said, “David, we can’t let them do this. It was all there, David. “DAVE! “DAVID! You’re David, right? The lights went out and I c-couldn’t h-help it…” “Anna, you need to say you’re sorry to David. David. But I’m going to say this to you, David, and to your friends here—Tennet is more dangerous than a million of me. No offense, Dave. “We got no choice, Dave. Dave, they’re going to blow all this to hell. I made that happen, Dave. “Dave did. John walked up and said, “Jesus, Dave. Tennet looked right at me and said, “Is there something you want to say about this, David? Amy said, “David…” I shook my head. She said, “David! Goddamnit we don’t have time—” “The sacrifice, David. Marconi said, “You don’t need letters, David. I said, “What the—” “Oh, Dave! “Dave…” John hissed. “Dave … shoot. John said, “Dave … do it. Dave. “Dave…” “If you don’t understand the symmetry here, well, just think about it. “My name is David Wong. One time, Dave was in a burning building, and Molly here rescued him by getting behind the wheel of his car and driving through the wall. “Oh my God, David, they will not stop calling me. She said, “David? “David? *********************************************************** “David Wong will know what to do with it! " “Dave? I asked, “What makes it a, you know, a Dave and John case? But it looks pretty John and Dave to me. I said, “I’m David Wong—” “I know. He yanked off his reading glasses and said, “Dave, this girl is just missing as fuck. " I handed the photo back to John and said, “That’s all the time it took the cops to decide it was Dave and John territory? But Dave and I are special. The first time, Dave didn’t even flinch, he’s like, ‘You wanna see the real monster, it’s standing right in front of you, bitch. ” “She has been nothing but nice to you, Dave. “David? David! John After they returned from the ice factory, John had stood in the Knolls’ driveway, facing Dave and Ted. “All right,” growled Dave, rubbing a rough hand over his stubbled jaw. ” Dave ran toward his Saturn, slid across the hood, and landed in the driver’s seat. John and Dave had just six months prior freed his mansion from an entity that presented itself as a giant spider made of the bloody bones of his deceased wife. She and David had picked it out together from a catalog her doctor had given her—a metallic, Terminator-esque model that they both thought was hilarious. A group of former college friends had invited her to a gaming convention in Indianapolis and offered to pay her way (David would never have come within a five-mile radius of a gaming convention, even if he was bleeding profusely and just needed to pass it on the way to the emergency room). She never told David why. She had asked David that same question the day before and his answer had been, “It started raining weeks ago, those lazy bastards have had plenty of time to get to the high ground. ” “David says we can get a bunch of those inflatable sex dolls from the shop downstairs and strap them together as a raft. David made constant jokes about how he thought Shawn was trying to “get into her pants,” which meant that David did in fact think Shawn was trying to get into her pants. So, David would make his snarky little remarks about Shawn and Amy would tell him that the guy was married. David would then say something to the effect of, “You have a lot to learn about guys, Amy. They arrived at the apartment the sex shop wore as a hat and Amy saw David’s car was gone. It was David, standing there with a mixing bowl in one hand and a whisk in the other. ” David said, “What’s that? ” “Holy crap, David. David, it appeared, was having one of his Good Days. Dave drank every night and rarely ate a meal that didn’t leave a grease stain behind. John reached the parking lot and found that Dave hadn’t arrived yet, so he pulled up to wait for him, keeping an eye out for any horror that might be occurring. ” “Dave is going to be here any second. ” “Why Dave, you know that I would never—” “Goddamnit, John. ” John John heard Dave say, “Amy, is that you? Nymph, standing there with his Gordon Gekko suit and slicked-back hair, sneered and turned in Dave’s direction. John screamed, “DAVE! GET THE—” But as usual, Dave was already five seconds ahead of the situation. Dave aimed carefully. One shot, Dave. John was still uselessly clutching the hips of the rapidly disintegrating Nymph—his legs almost entirely gone now—and watched as Dave fired the shroud. David, can you drive the Impala? I waited until David, or the thing that was pretending to be David, wasn’t paying attention and then I zapped him. Dave, what did you see? ” “I swear to god, David, that I’ve told you every piece of useful information I can remember and if I remember more I’ll tell you that, too. ” “David, I need to sleep. Wait, did the David doppelganger actually fix the roof? ” “Dave, I can’t emphasize enough how growing up in this town has stunted your worldview. There’s another missing kid, so for all we know he has already come across somebody’s cell phone video of me mutilating a small—” A sales clerk walked by and John loudly said, “YES DAVID I AGREE WE SHOULD COVER OUR FLOOR IN RUBBER ASSES. In that moment, John was sure that one of the two—Dave or Ted—wasn’t going home alive. ” Dave shrugged out of Ted’s grip. His eyes narrowed in the way that they did when Dave was feeling that rage fire inside him. Dave gritted his teeth and said, “You’ve had a trauma, Mr. Knoll. ” Dave pulled his shirt over his head, exposing the torso of a badly shaved bear. ” Dave said, “Look. A FLASHBACK TO AMY’S TRAUMATIC WAFFLE EXPERIENCE Amy About nine hours earlier, Shawn had dropped Amy off at the Venus Flytrap and she had gone upstairs to have that momentary weird sensation that David had frozen in place. That’s because there was something far stranger going on: David, for the first time in months, seemed genuinely happy. ” “We did,” David had answered, whisking his waffle batter. ” They had taken a moment to revel in the victory, Amy of course ignorant of the fact that at that moment, John and the real David were still out trying to solve the case, and Maggie was still missing. Then Amy had noticed the roof leak was fixed and had been shocked to her core to hear that David had done it himself. ” A question David hadn’t asked her in probably a year. ” Of course the car was not in “the shop,” the actual David was out driving it, heading toward the little church in search of John. Real ones, not the paper plates David had started buying when he decided he didn’t have enough energy to wash dishes anymore. “But that’s what I want to talk about,” David said. She had suggested waiting for the rain to stop or at least slack off a bit before heading out, but as soon as they’d eaten, David insisted they go. ” She asked if they needed to call a cab, since the car was in the shop and all, but David said nothing, just walked out and headed down the stairs, toward the store’s parking lot. David twisted the key and the engine rumbled to life. David threw it in gear and they took off, rain lashing the Impala’s cherry-red hood, drops breaking and splattering against the layers of gleaming wax. ” David shrugged. David. Then David put a hand on her thigh and leaned over and kissed her. David had once pointed out that every woman can remember the first time she got legitimately frightened by pushing the wrong button—or the right one—and actually saw that “animal. Every man, said David, has something, and sometimes even the man doesn’t know what it is until he sees it. Amy had stumbled across David’s “animal button” when she showed him the Ulala costume she’d made for the game convention. Part of the costume she had added without David’s knowledge, though, was a modest pair of green-and-white-striped underpants. David thought anime was ridiculous, and Japanese fetishes even more so. David had been on his way out the door when she walked out of the bedroom to show him the finished outfit. David did not. David pulled back, looked out at the rain, and said impatiently, “We’re going to be waiting all weekend. Amy and David went through to the screened-in porch, the rain now falling straight down in a steady, peaceful rhythm. David kissed her and pawed at her and she asked if they could slow down a bit. ” David sat down on a wicker sofa and patted the seat next to him. ” David put an arm around her. ” David said, “That’s my point. David thought for a moment, as if he was finally getting to what he really wanted to say, but having arrived there, wasn’t sure how to say it. ” “I am happy, David. They lay there together, a dry island in the rain, Amy feeling David’s chest lift and fall under her. ” * * * David led her to the car again and drove them around the pond, to the church. Amy followed and near the bottom, David had said, “It’s here. Without another word, David headed toward the water. David waded out toward the pile of loose rock that had been the mouth of the mine way back when. David stopped there and leaned his ear down toward the pipe, as if he was listening for something. She waded out into the freezing water and arrived next to David, looked down, and screamed. “She’s alive,” David said. David was helping—knowing exactly how to disconnect the weights—and together they dragged the girl to shore. David handed Amy his pocketknife and she sliced open the thick, watertight plastic. David said, “Amy, look at me. “I’m not David. I’m not David. David is at John’s house right now, still lost, still trying to solve this. ” “You’re not David. Oh, and in all the excitement, you’ve forgotten to get your prescription refilled, you need to get David to pick it up today or else you won’t be able to move tomorrow morning when your back seizes up. Amy pulled out her phone, called David, and he sounded frantic. How much were her memories augmented by the detailed stories written down by her beloved David, the only one she has in the world? Do you understand the gravity of the situation you and David have found yourselves in? What I’m asking, is David candid about what he does? ” “Ms. Sullivan, I suspect that David has not been completely honest about—” “I’m not saying another word until you get this man some water. You’re not the cops, so you know that what happened with those kids is the work of something bigger than me or David or some random creeper around town. ” “You buy into David’s mythology? ” “I’ve literally never heard of—” “All these signs point to Dave only because the thing behind this wants you to go after him. Don’t worry, you won’t miss David. She said, “David, they can’t do this. Says David snapped his fingers and suddenly they were someplace else, some kind of fucked-up Disneyland. David there, I bet he just gets cold. ” “The world doesn’t just grind to a halt when you’re not around, David. Then he hands it to me, and I showed it to Dave when he arrived. But if Dave and I were watching them work—and I mean right now, while we’re still under the effects of the Sauce—we’d see them staring at a blank computer screen. Loretta said, “John told me the police had turned you loose, that the bad guy had the same build and hair color as your David but that they’d eliminated him as a suspect. She reached up between the front seats and squeezed David’s hand. It’s just like those haunted puppets in your junk room, Dave. John, Dave, and Amy all got the fuck down, hands over their heads. That night in the parking lot of the Flytrap, Ted had given Dave twenty-four hours to resolve the whole disappearing kids deal and John had to admit that not only had the deadline long passed, but that the situation was now actually quite a bit worse. ” Dave said, “Where are the what? ” Dave said, “Have you noticed anything weird about Maggie? Both John and Dave looked at Amy, and she didn’t look back. Dave said, “We’re being framed by whatever is behind this! ” Dave said, “Just watch out, there’s artwork out there that will reveal the modern world to be an edifice of lies. ” Still, John was pretty sure that Dave had the same thought he did, which was, But what if they do find the kids here? Behind him, Dave and Amy had a hushed argument he couldn’t quite hear. John assumed either he or Dave had in fact lured the thing in there over the course of their lost weekend. That’s why it tricked your little girl into thinking it was Dave there that night—it’s using its tricks, trying to throw you off the scent. I know what John’s friends wear, David. He charged into the room, breathless, and said, “Dave, I need to see your ass. It says, ‘Check David’s ass, there’s an important message written on it that contains valuable information. You won’t even need to get too close, because the font is—” Amy said, “David, will you show him your butt? David reached back, took Amy’s hand in his and said, “You did everything right, babe. ” “The problem, David, is your cynicism only runs one direction. Amy, John, and David followed them back. ” For some reason, this seemed to creep David out quite a bit, and he actually took a step back from the glass wall. ” Amy said, “David, this is stupid. John said, “Dave? David! The one without the gun, meaning me, is the real David. ” Nymph said, “Hold on, so now is it better for me to be the specimen or David? Ted pointed his assault rifle at Dave and said in a surprisingly calm voice, “Where is she? John, Dave, and Amy followed him in, Dave ineffectually telling him to wait, to listen. ” The agent Dave called Tasker but whose name was actually Pussnado sauntered up and said, “I will not be doing that, and I assure you, I have very good reasons. Dave said, “Mr. Knoll, you need to listen very, very carefully. ” Playing along, giving Dave an out. Dave looked pleadingly at John. John, Amy, and Dave watched as the larva passed out of the facility and back into the rain-lashed world. Damn it, Dave, you should have let me finish explaining it on your ass. ” But Dave was already moving, running after the dildo launcher John had discarded on the floor. John saw no good ending to Dave trying to fling flaming vibrators at this enraged soldier’s little girl, but he didn’t respond when John told him to forget it. ” Dave ran up behind John with the dildo launcher, looked at Joy, then looked at John, bewildered. Instead of raining dildo hellfire down upon Ted’s family, Dave said, “Wait,” and told them to pop the trunk. Dave slammed the trunk and the car tore out of the parking lot. Ted—steadfastly ignoring John, Dave, and Amy—stormed back into the building with his soldier companion in tow. Dave said, “Ted, we should get outta here. Whatever you’re about to do, it’s not worth—” Ted slapped Dave across the face with his dick, proverbially, via a stern facial expression. He could read the same doubt on Dave’s face. Ted, David, and Ted’s friend jumped out of their truck and Ted pulled out a pair of futuristic binoculars—Amy figured they were night vision—to scope out the pond and the mouth of the collapsed mine, looking for a giant mantis bat monster. David walked up, pulled her and John out of earshot and muttered, “You talk to Marconi? ” David said, “A porn star we saw on the Internet who we don’t know and who doesn’t live anywhere near here. ” David said, “I don’t . David said to him, “See anything down there? David screamed and ran after her. Not even risking putting a toe into the water, not even to help her and David. He can’t breathe, David. ” David said, “A mouth. ” David said, “Amy, I can’t make this any clearer—that is the point of the trap. John and David both yelled warnings at him, but even if he could hear them, he had no reason to listen. David’s eyes went wide, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. John muttered to David, “Call Marconi. David kept dialing his phone, over and over—trying to get Dr. ” David said, “Is he saying a bunch of weird, creepy nonsense? ” David said, “That doesn’t even sound possible. Ted’s partner, who David had said had a profane nickname, was leaning casually against the passenger side door. David had actually suggested she use her Taser on Ted’s friend—she had transferred it from her purse to her pocket the moment they arrived—but she knew for a fact that it hurt a whole lot and she also wasn’t sure it even had a charge left. He said, “David? At the moment, the last of the ten children was being hauled from the pond that David insisted was the pulsing birth canal of the Millibutt. ” when David said, “SHIT! David said, “Get to the Jeep! David walked up and said, “Ooooooh, fuck. ” David clearly seemed to think this was a horrible idea, but still helped haul the girl inside, through the RV’s kitchenette, and into that cramped little lounge area near the back. Dave yelled for Amy and ran to her, pulling her away from the door, telling her to get down. He leaped over Dave, who was still on the floor, shielding Amy with his enormous body. Amy and David clumsily climbed to their feet. David—who looked anxious but clearly was not hearing what Amy heard, glanced back that direction, then looked nervously at Joy, who was pushing the RV to its limits down dark, submerged streets. David let out a long breath that carried with it the word, “Ooooookay. ” David said, “And we, uh, trust her to drive the bus? ” Slung over her shoulder was the shotgun they’d given to David back at the wellness center, only Amy assumed it was now functional. ” It was David, running toward them, hands and shirt covered in blood, carrying some kind of pole. David yelled, “No! She sprinted toward David. David yelled, “NO! ” The thing snatched at David. lunged again—not at David, but past him. David growled, “NO! whipped a claw through the air with a pale blur, and David’s spear went flying. David, in a blind rage, did not back down. swung a claw, bashing David to the ground. David yelled again for her to go. ” The thing raised a claw, meaning to lop off David’s head. Dave and Amy were confronting the monster, and from the sound of it, losing. Rather than get in the way, Amy, John, and David trudged back toward the RV. ” David said, “She . Marconi fixed his gaze on David and in a lowered voice, said, “What I observe, with my five senses, is a child that has a very survivable wound, but that needs medical attention or else loss of blood or sepsis will finish the job. David said, “Guys, we can’t just leave. ” David started to answer, but the words never came. “Can we just skip this part, Dave? “Forget it, Dave. ” John said, “Yes, Dave, if the actual porn star Joy Park somehow shows up here from Korea, we will have to deal with that. “David! In Shitbeard’s version, it’s still around—you know, because Dave is standing right here.

For free day I did the only kind of art I am half decent at, so here, have some JDatE themed nail art