#tw parent

I’ve been trying to shift for about four months now. Since...I want to say the end of August. 

Back then, I wasn’t very spiritual. Sure, I was beginning to explore the wiccan philosophy--but I would eventually drop that because I wanted to focus more on manifestation and meditation--but I really wasn’t sure of my own religion. My parents forced on me the idea that there was no god, but day in and day out I would pray. Pray to what? I didn’t know. Since I was a young child, I asked for signs if there was something out there, anything that could help me...but nothing came. Er, nothing obvious.

For good reason too, I believe. I’ve said this before, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. It’s a cliché, for sure, but if something happens, there’s a cause. So me not finding any higher deity and going on my own path? That’s caused me to learn a lot about myself and my family (/neu), as well as what path I want to take in life. 

Now, I’m much more spiritual, and can confidently say I am pagan and go with the Universe. Even a year ago, I would have called myself weird or insane. Hell, I went into the pandemic thinking I was cis, bisexual, a STEM gal, using she/her pronouns exclusively--now I get pissed when someone calls me a lady and want to move to New York with every ounce of my being.

The point is, I’ve grown. I have new interests, identities, friends (shiftblr!), communities (again, shiftblr), knowledge, and so many other positive things. 

But I also have negative things too. I have a new fear of my parents, a new desperate need for therapy, a fear of talking to my IRL friends because of how much I’ve changed, self-depreciating thoughts that plague me every day (thanks mom and dad /neg) and a new relation to characters who specifically are confident with debilitating poor self-esteem. On that note, I hadn’t had a panic attack before the pandemic--now I can have three and then hide it so well.

And I’ve become so painfully positive! Sure, it brings me people who think my vibes are nice and people who are generally nice to me, but I know someone’s going to eventually turn on me or use me. And I can’t keep up the positive persona; I don’t have the spoons for that! 

I now know myself and what I’m living in, but at the cost of what mental stability I had left. 

That was actually my cause for wanting to shift a few months ago. My first script was horrifyingly real with my friends in it (I would never shift there but there are salvageable pieces), I wrote it all in the span of a few hurried hours locked in my room. And then I tried to shift. I tried every method in the book, then my own method mix, then no method. I joined shifting server after shifting server. 

As I was doing this, I experienced the same symptoms--even now. I always feel numb, I always feel so tired but not able to sleep, I always feel like I’m being pushed down, I always feel so weirdly comfortable, I always felt unable to move when relaxing during the day. But every single time, I always move for many reasons--because I can’t feel my heartrate so I’m worried I’m not going to wake up, because there was an itch on the back of my head, because the numbness was too much for my sensory issues, because my sister had fallen asleep already and began talking, etc. 

Part of me wants to say “I failed” and give up on this, like I’ve given up on so many other things. Could shifting be a passing hyperfixiation? I tried learning how to draw during the summer--I still haven’t finished the course because I gave up on it! I couldn’t delete this blog without getting rid of my sideblogs--but I suppose it wouldn’t be a big deal if I disappeared. Not from life, I’ve learned my lesson there, but online. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I just stopped trying to shift. It’s not like I’m in that deep well of mental woe anymore...it’s more of a river, constantly dragging me away now. I don’t need to shift anymore. 

But despite all of it, I know that shifting is real. How could I explain away the symptoms I feel? How could I explain the scream I heard, the tingling I felt, the tap on my forehead? How could I explain why so many people are interested in it? How could I explain why the government has documents on how to shift? How could I explain why two people have the exact same symptom/experience? How could I explain why more than one person on this site has shifted successfully? 

But most of all, how could I explain this community? Everyone helping each other out, teaching each other new things. How could I explain the forty-or-so shifting accounts I follow? 

I can’t. I can’t explain any of it. That’s proof that at least something about shifting is real. 

I used to be so strict, so “I have to see it to believe it” because of my parent’s teachings. But now I’m actually me. Actually Rome, the guy who realized that his love of analyzing films actually has a use. Actually Rome, the person who managed to cry alone--a great feat for someone who’s never done that before. Actually Rome, who’s created so many good projects and writings. 

And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s not great, it’s certainly not the happiest I’ll ever be, and I can’t call myself actually happy, but...I’m good. I can confidently say that I am alive and living life the best I can--which is more than I can say for 13-year-old me. And I’m turning 16 in a few months!

Things may not be good in my life right now--I’m not free to do much I want to do--but I have a reason to keep going with shifting and with how I’m living life--quite a few, actually! All I need to know is that I am myself, and I’m strong enough to hold out until I can move out, probably when I turn 20 or something (>:/).