#turch

That’s concerning. Tucker’s always been easy going and able to laugh anything off, even with the threat of death hanging over his head. But lately Epsilon’s been noticing strange things. Tucker doesn’t talk to him often, and when he does it’s brief and more often than not it ends in anger and Tucker leaving before they can even get anything done together.

“Well, I need to talk to you. Like I said. Can you lose the bad attitude for a moment?” Epsilon asks in a ribbing manner.

“Whatever Epsilon. I’ll have my attitude.” Tucker looks like he wants to say something else but he holds back from it.

“Can we do this face-to-face?”

Tucker reaches up to unsnap his helmet and tugs it off. It’s strange, now that Tucker’s cut all of his hair off into that military grade buzz cut. Tucker had mentioned once that he’d been growing it out since he was seventeen and to lose all of that in a decision says a lot. Tucker’s expression is guarded, lips pressed into a thin line and dark brown eyes scanning Epsilon’s hologram over.

Tucker speaks, white teeth flashing against dark skin. “You want my face, here it is. What do you want?”

“Well, for one” Epsilon speaks, because going after the problem at the root will be fastest. “Is there a fucking problem you’re having with me? If this is about ditching you guys back in the canyon then-“

“You know, I always wondered something.” Tucker interrupts.

“What?” Epsilon asks for clarification, miffed at the interruption.

“Do you remember everything that happened before we all got split up? In Bloodgulch, the canyon, all that shit?” Tucker’s voice is careful, but Epsilon knows that Tucker’s building up to something.

“What? Yes, I do. Somewhat. Caboose was really thurough and I know enough from old scripts and video cams piled together.”

Tucker snorts quietly. “Good. The Alpha, that was Church before you, right? The Church that I know?”

“Tucker, what are you-“

“Church is dead, Epsilon. Wash killed him. All that we know about is you, and you’re all that’s left of my friend.” Tucker swallows, his adam’s apple bobbing hard. “That’s my problem. It just took me a while to have it.”

Epsilon isn’t sure what to say, but he manages. “What, you’re upset because I’m not the Church you know? It’s close enough, no one else has any problems with it.”

“I’m not mad that you’re not Church, I’m mad that I let myself think that you were him for so long. Sorry if I’m not jumping with joy at the thought of this” Tucker waves his hand at Epsilon’s hologram form. “being the only reminder of him.”

“Is this some kind of thing you do? Letting the hard stuff build up in you? Fine, don’t treat me like how you would have done to the Alpha, but you’re still a fucking twat to me and you’re not like that with other strangers.” Epsilon argues.

Tucker’s silent, obviously thinking hard. Epsilon worries about that, because Tucker thinking hard about what he has to say is rare. Tucker says what he wants when he feels like it, but this is different. “Well?” Epsilon probes.

“Washington has nightmares.” Tucker says quietly.

“What?”

“He mumbles. He talks about Alison, I can see it in his eyes when he’s unfocused. I have a giant bruise on my shoulder from him lashing out in his sleep, thinking that someone was taking her away.” Tucker’s voice is thick. “Think about that. That was so long ago. But you- you wrecked his mind. He’s pulled together a little, but you’re still in him. You’re… you ruined Washington, you know. No one talks about it, but I have to see it every time he talks in his sleep.”

In his sleep? Why would Tucker be- oh. Oh. “Wait. Are you sleeping together?”

Tucker laughs once without humor. “I like to have someone to hold, he just likes to have someone. We aren’t fucking often, he’s real sensitive about that stuff, if you were wondering. But yeah, I guess we are.”

“You’re not gay.”

“Sexuality is fluid. I like what I like. You’re focusing on that instead of me telling you how you left Washington’s head in shambles.” Tucker changes the subject.

“Well, there’s nothing I can do about that you know? I couldn’t control that. The AI’s were as much victims as the freelancers. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that stuff but-“

“For fucks sake Epsilon, this is not about me you fucking twat! This is about Washington and Church or the Alpha and how everything is fucked. The people I love are fucked, but this is about them, not me, believe it or not, I actually do care about some things.”

Love? “Wait, you’re in love with Washington?”

“Loving someone and being in love are different. I’m not that deeply invested in Wash yet, but I could be. We’ll have to see what happens.”

There’s something else. “Were you in love with the Alpha?”

Tucker looks away at that. “That was different. I didn’t think anything would happen with that. I just thought we’d be in that canyon until they shipped us home.”

“So you were in love with him.”

“I was so in love that when I think about it I wish I could go back and do something about it. Rejection, disgust, anger, that would be better than the idea of what might have been hanging over my head every day.” Tucker admits. “But I was shallow and stupid and I didn’t see anything past that I wanted. And this isn’t about me, but you asked.”

Epsilon isn’t sure what to say now, but he tries to get back to the problem at hand. “So… where do we stand?”

“We stand where we always stand. I’ll still treat you like Church to make it easier for the both of us. I don’t meant it. I’ll never mean it, you’re not Church. You’re not the man I loved.” Tucker says straight off. There’s a moment of silence until Tucker amends himself. “I know you’re just as much of a victim as Wash and the Alpha, but I’m not perfect and I care a little more about who I love than some program.”

That hurts somewhat. Tucker speaks a final time. “Fuck off Epsilon. Palomo’s been bothering me forever about seeing his improved target practice.”

Epsilon takes that as a dismissal, and he flickers away back to Carolina. She looks up as he fills out next to her, and he can tell by the tilt of her helmet that she wants to know the basics of what happened.

“I don’t think I can really say that I know Tucker anymore.” Epsilon says, and Carolina turns her head away. They sit in silence, Carolina out of respect and Epsilon out of contemplation. They have plenty of time, and also not enough time here on Chorus.