#tsw2020

Whoops, everything is awful!

Great series finale right? Billy Broadview (Me) got his dream job and flew off into the sunset. An oversized storybook slowly closed and we faded to credits, which I would like to imagine rolled over a punkrock cover of ‘Do You Believe in Magic’.

News Update: 2020 happened!

Turns out, crafting a sufficiently powerful and precise magical solution to a unique unknown pathogen takes roughly the same amount of time and resources as the muggles and their nomaj medical science. It is literally anyone's guess who will get there first at this rate. We learned early on that Pepperup isn’t enough, and are quickly learning that this is what happens when your entire healthcare system revolves around a single potion from the 12th century.

In addition to that, not to be outdone by the muggle governing bodies, a spectacular mishandling of the entire pandemic by The Ministry of Magic has left all of us at varying degrees of screwed.

Which brings us to the other big news. The story that has everybody losing their minds. The tabloid meltdown of the century.

Hogwarts did not open.

There was speculation when The Prophet News Podcast leaked it all the way back in August, but for once they actually had the story correct.

The big day was postponed a week. Then two. Now we are an entire month past our normal opening day. Classes have finally resumed, but are now being conducted entirely through Floom webcam meetings. This decision was in no part related to the fact that I created that service, and is certainly not an attempt on my part to force clients onto my latest startup.

There. All caught up? Awesome. Basically this entire semester is reliant on our jobs. IT Department working alone with only professors and those same old familiar creepy (and now entirely empty) hallways.

Regardless, if I have to suffer- I'm going to at least get some internet points for it. Buckle up ladies, gentlemen, and friends beyond the binary. Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse-

-We're Back!

We had our first "RED ALERT" today.

One of the professors sounded the alarm this morning. The reason, in his exact words- "A student had broken into the castle and was trying to attend his online class from within the Great Hall itself!”

Talk about a power move- Or it would have been, had it actually happened.

I didn't think we would have to explain floom backgrounds to our esteemed professors. That was my mistake. I guess he was just under the impression that his students were genuinely attending classes whilst underwater, or in space, or sitting in the middle of a Studio Ghibli film.

Which yeah, magic school, fair assumption to make.

Excerpt from incoming call-

Emily: “Hey this is Em. How can I help?”

Professor:  “Computer is on fire.”

Emily: “I’m going to need you to repeat that again.”

Professor: “My computer. It is currently on fire.”

Emily: “What? Wait, how-”

Professor: “I was making a weird noise and then it sparked a little and now it is on fire.”

Emily: “Well put the fire out! Do that first!”

Professor: “Which keyboard buttons do I press for that?”

Emily: “Sir! Pour water on your computer!”

As a professional (who does not wish to be fired) I cannot verify the validity of this chat log-

Professor:  "Can somebody please come and check my webcam? The students keep telling me that I look “sus”. While I do  not understand the slang of these youths I’m assuming something is wrong with my video quality.”

Billy: “So this question may seem a bit weird, but what color robes do you tend to wear on camera?”

Professor:  “Now that you mention it, it is not a weird question at all. I’ve been wearing my best blue robes and that color does seem to come up while they are-”

JD-

Let’s talk fast food.

Were you expecting a segue into this topic? It’s me. I’m the segue!

When it comes to being a muggle living in a primarily wizarding area, DoorDash is absolutely terrifying! Our version runs via the floo powder network. You're just relaxing on your couch playing Animal Crossing, harvesting some pumpkins for your October DIYs, and without warning an ominous cloaked wizardly figure manifests from the very embers of your fireplace clutching a sealed bag of McDonald's Spicy Nuggets.

Yes, admittedly the convenience is nice. Execution has a little to be desired.

It's still less terrifying than actually going somewhere.

Don’t Panic.

Like any new experiment in education, this entire semester will also be a learning exercise for ourselves and the other staff at Hogwarts.

Today’s lesson? After a handful of small explosions and fires across our district, we have learned that remote potions class needs a little tweaking. It turns out that sending children volatile potions components like they’re a box of Blue Apron ingredients is not ideal.

E♥VC

Two last names, still me all the same!

October is upon us. Allow me to set the scene. The sun had set hours prior. I alone wondered the ancient looming halls of the now silent and barren castle. A crisp and chilly breeze, distinctly forged from within the distant heart of autumn herself, crept between the soaring columns of the castle, periodically passing through the lone obstacle that was my presence whilst headed towards destinations unknown. Only myself, and the void which extended beyond the reach of my wand’s softly humming glow.

Then, a sound. Subtle but most certainly real. The shuffling of clothing perhaps? Maybe nothing more than the fluttering of curtains left to dance overnight upon an open window? No. That couldn’t be? It was certainly growing louder, distinctly traversing somewhere within the halls ahead of me, behind me? In a panic I could not tell with accuracy which direction claimed its intended path.

I quickly extinguished the spell from my wand and moved my figure flush against the wall beside me. The protruding supports of a masoned archway served as best it could, shielding my frame from view along the empty walkway.

Then, from the very wall behind me, I heard a chuckle. The deep and droning bellows of man not yet seen.

I shifted back to the floor, pivoting to greet whatever horrors which awaited me.

With a soft self illuminated flicker of form, a shape emerged. From within the solid rock structure of the wall itself, the grotesque visage of a gaunt and dismembered head peered forth. Forward still a boney hand followed, clutched down through clumps of his once blood-matted  wispy white hair.

And let me tell you, in that moment all I could think was-

WHAT A RELIEF!

It was my good post-mortal friend Patrick. I can’t begin to explain how refreshing it is to see a ghost again! Social interaction isn’t exactly the same anymore, but with my ghost friends I have no reason to wear my mask or stay 6 feet apart. For anybody interested he is doing well, and only recently started binging ‘Umbrella Academy’. So avoid spoilers around him, he is only 3 episodes into season 1.

Moral of the story, in these troubling times look at the positives. Like ghosts!.

E♥VC

Side hustle alert!

Most of us seem to agree that this entire year is some sort of metaphysical case study of the exact chemical processes one finds within a dumpster fire. But still, alternatively, it has also opened up a handful of interesting new revenue streams.

We’re calling the service “OnlyHams” and we are 100% prepared and excited for all the media attention that the obvious resulting lawsuit will bring.

Basically the the low price of 2ʛ a month you have unlimited access to a bunch of photos of Johnathan’s pet pig Mr. Snoots being adorable. Mostly just him sleeping or eating. He doesn’t do much else. 

If you’re willing to pay a little extra we might even put little rain boots on him.