So i wanted to update on my decision a while ago but i prefer to type these posts on the computer and i just haven’t had the time to do that recently. I made the decision recently that i was ready to quit pumping and get back on my weight loss medications.

This was a hard decision and definitely comes with remorse but i spent a lot of time considering this and feel like it is truly the best option for me right now.

At this point I’m a little over 60lbs away from my goal weight so i started the long process of decreasing pumps. Right now I’m down to 2 pumps per day and by Friday i should be done and able to take my first shot.

I ordered my first month through Amble, which i also did last time and received my meds already so im just waiting on being done pumping now!

Obviously I fell off the face of the universe again, because I have VERY LITTLE weight information to talk about, other than the intense negativity that I continue to gain throughout this pregnancy. I have to acknowledge that at this point, I am 69lbs above my goal weight, and I find that INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING. Currently, I am scheduled for a C-section on May 4, however, I am preparing to go earlier if my blood pressure escalates the way it did with my daughter. (For the record, I have had blood pressure issues this pregnancy as well, so it could be coming).

My biggest issue right now is wanting, desperately, to get back on my shots, and understanding that my plan is currently to breastfeed for 6 months, since I did that for my daughter. I am aware that right now I CAN'T get on my shots, and it is still tragic knowing I have no choice in this. I really believe that when I'm breastfeeding this is going to be an even harder decision, because I will definitely be tempted to jump off the bandwagon and back into the weight loss journey.

Things are still continuing to go well, so I haven't really had much to write about. The biggest issue currently is gaining weight, which is obviously very upsetting after how hard I had previously worked.

I am about 13 lbs above my goal weight, and it is triggering me. I am trying to find balance in eating when I need to, and managing my hunger. For anyone who has been pregnant, the morning sickness is killer, and the issue is if I don't eat when I get the nausea, it just gets worse until you throw up.

I am trying to trust my body to know how many calories growing this baby needs but I was really hoping to keep the gaining to a minimum especially this early in the pregnancy. I will say, my clothes are still fitting appropriately, so I am hopeful I'm gaining back in some non-upsetting areas.

I also made the decision to cut my hair off (to my shoulders) because of the negative impact of my tirzepatide, and the damage it has done. My hair was almost to my ass at this point, and so it feels like a huge loss, even if it was very thin and brittle.

Typed that first paragraph and never continued it to post. Tomorrow marks week 6 and i am actually doing really well with my weight!!! I’ve been going up and down a few pounds here and there but so far! Today felt like i was craving and struggling a lot more but upon thinking it through it was not much different.

As far as my weight has been going, I have been monitoring my food regularly, but my weight has been hovering around 196 for the last 3 weeks. i had some moments where I went up above 200 for a day and had to work my way back down, with IMMENSE anxiety about being over 200, as well as what is to come if I am able to get pregnant.

I've been struggling with some symptoms that are very confusing and the emotional up and down of the two-week-wait, wondering if this is a sign of anything or nothing. I think it is super SICK that a lot of the early pregnancy symptoms are the same as symptoms that happen right before your period! Although, even more frustrating, I believe some of my symptoms are anxiety related/escalated that I am unable to work through until I make it to Friday. I'm attempting to keep my head on straight and process some of these emotions, while still functioning as an adult. LUCKILY this week, I am not having the weight concerns that would just send me off the charts, on top of all of this. We have vacation in the upcoming week and I am nervous for how a potential negative will impact my vacation, on top of over-eating and weight gain on an average vacation, let alone an EMOTIONAL vacation!

It has been a bit, again, but I figure I should continue to update in here. The biggest thing for me, since these are more rambly blog posts and not just weekly updates, are that I'd prefer to type them but but do not want to use a work computer to do so, so it takes some time for me to have the time with my computer to type!

Over the past few months I have been doing better than anticipated but not as well as I would like to be. To revisit, my goal weight was 195, and I was able to get to 189.2 before getting off my medications. As of right now, I'm around 197, I have been dancing around my goal weight. Over the 4th of July weekend, I did not plan enough while we were out of town at my in-law's and I ended up getting over 200lbs, which caused a SIGNIFICANT amount of anxiety for me. However, I have worked very hard this week to keep slowly moving back down, and I feel much better about it.

As far as the baby-front, we have not made any progress. We were supposed to have an attempt this ovulation cycle and the timing just did not work out. I, obviously, was emotionally drained and disappointed about this, but we keep on trucking. I think, because of the missed opportunity, I have been feeling much more hopeless and unmotivated to be off my shot, and when I feel particularly low, I am very frustrated I can't just get back onto it NOW!

In the next two weeks we will have our first attempt at getting pregnant and i know it isn’t likely but i am really eager for this attempt so i can move on and eventually get back on my meds!!

I’m also having a lot of dysmorphia and anxiety about that. Often, feeling like, because I’m off the meds, that I’ve gained it all back already! I also had two run-ins where a person around me commented on weight or someone being heavier and i was struck with discomfort, feeling like i am a heavy person, but under cover, and i have tricked these people! It is so weird to realize I’m no longer the biggest person in the room, consistently!