Losing Baggage, Gaining Me!

So i wanted to update on my decision a while ago but i prefer to type these posts on the computer and i just haven’t had the time to do that recently. I made the decision recently that i was ready to quit pumping and get back on my weight loss medications.

This was a hard decision and definitely comes with remorse but i spent a lot of time considering this and feel like it is truly the best option for me right now.

At this point I’m a little over 60lbs away from my goal weight so i started the long process of decreasing pumps. Right now I’m down to 2 pumps per day and by Friday i should be done and able to take my first shot.

I ordered my first month through Amble, which i also did last time and received my meds already so im just waiting on being done pumping now!

So I am officially a little over 2 weeks post partum and I wanted to get back to focusing on my weight loss, however, I am continuing to exclusively pump so GLP-1's are on hold for the time being. I decided that this could be helpful journaling for me to hold myself accountable and to attempt to get as close to my goal as possible without the assistance of my medication.

Obviously, once I am done pumping (my goal is 6 months, so around November), I will gladly get back on the medication to help me with whatever weight I need to continue to lose, but as of right now, I'm going to attempt to be mindful of my eating and make healthier choices. Unfortunately, with the pumping, there is a lot of hunger that you are battling in order to make weight loss happen, but some people have a lot of success with it. With my oldest child, I did not have that luck.

Obviously I fell off the face of the universe again, because I have VERY LITTLE weight information to talk about, other than the intense negativity that I continue to gain throughout this pregnancy. I have to acknowledge that at this point, I am 69lbs above my goal weight, and I find that INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING. Currently, I am scheduled for a C-section on May 4, however, I am preparing to go earlier if my blood pressure escalates the way it did with my daughter. (For the record, I have had blood pressure issues this pregnancy as well, so it could be coming).

My biggest issue right now is wanting, desperately, to get back on my shots, and understanding that my plan is currently to breastfeed for 6 months, since I did that for my daughter. I am aware that right now I CAN'T get on my shots, and it is still tragic knowing I have no choice in this. I really believe that when I'm breastfeeding this is going to be an even harder decision, because I will definitely be tempted to jump off the bandwagon and back into the weight loss journey.

Things are still continuing to go well, so I haven't really had much to write about. The biggest issue currently is gaining weight, which is obviously very upsetting after how hard I had previously worked.

I am about 13 lbs above my goal weight, and it is triggering me. I am trying to find balance in eating when I need to, and managing my hunger. For anyone who has been pregnant, the morning sickness is killer, and the issue is if I don't eat when I get the nausea, it just gets worse until you throw up.

I am trying to trust my body to know how many calories growing this baby needs but I was really hoping to keep the gaining to a minimum especially this early in the pregnancy. I will say, my clothes are still fitting appropriately, so I am hopeful I'm gaining back in some non-upsetting areas.

I also made the decision to cut my hair off (to my shoulders) because of the negative impact of my tirzepatide, and the damage it has done. My hair was almost to my ass at this point, and so it feels like a huge loss, even if it was very thin and brittle.

Typed that first paragraph and never continued it to post. Tomorrow marks week 6 and i am actually doing really well with my weight!!! I’ve been going up and down a few pounds here and there but so far! Today felt like i was craving and struggling a lot more but upon thinking it through it was not much different.

As far as my weight has been going, I have been monitoring my food regularly, but my weight has been hovering around 196 for the last 3 weeks. i had some moments where I went up above 200 for a day and had to work my way back down, with IMMENSE anxiety about being over 200, as well as what is to come if I am able to get pregnant.

I've been struggling with some symptoms that are very confusing and the emotional up and down of the two-week-wait, wondering if this is a sign of anything or nothing. I think it is super SICK that a lot of the early pregnancy symptoms are the same as symptoms that happen right before your period! Although, even more frustrating, I believe some of my symptoms are anxiety related/escalated that I am unable to work through until I make it to Friday. I'm attempting to keep my head on straight and process some of these emotions, while still functioning as an adult. LUCKILY this week, I am not having the weight concerns that would just send me off the charts, on top of all of this. We have vacation in the upcoming week and I am nervous for how a potential negative will impact my vacation, on top of over-eating and weight gain on an average vacation, let alone an EMOTIONAL vacation!

It has been a bit, again, but I figure I should continue to update in here. The biggest thing for me, since these are more rambly blog posts and not just weekly updates, are that I'd prefer to type them but but do not want to use a work computer to do so, so it takes some time for me to have the time with my computer to type!

Over the past few months I have been doing better than anticipated but not as well as I would like to be. To revisit, my goal weight was 195, and I was able to get to 189.2 before getting off my medications. As of right now, I'm around 197, I have been dancing around my goal weight. Over the 4th of July weekend, I did not plan enough while we were out of town at my in-law's and I ended up getting over 200lbs, which caused a SIGNIFICANT amount of anxiety for me. However, I have worked very hard this week to keep slowly moving back down, and I feel much better about it.

As far as the baby-front, we have not made any progress. We were supposed to have an attempt this ovulation cycle and the timing just did not work out. I, obviously, was emotionally drained and disappointed about this, but we keep on trucking. I think, because of the missed opportunity, I have been feeling much more hopeless and unmotivated to be off my shot, and when I feel particularly low, I am very frustrated I can't just get back onto it NOW!

In the next two weeks we will have our first attempt at getting pregnant and i know it isn’t likely but i am really eager for this attempt so i can move on and eventually get back on my meds!!

I’m also having a lot of dysmorphia and anxiety about that. Often, feeling like, because I’m off the meds, that I’ve gained it all back already! I also had two run-ins where a person around me commented on weight or someone being heavier and i was struck with discomfort, feeling like i am a heavy person, but under cover, and i have tricked these people! It is so weird to realize I’m no longer the biggest person in the room, consistently!

I’m figuring out my system and what works for me! To combat the hunger, I’ve been packing a lunch box of lots of low calorie snacks to try and fill myself up so I’m less tempted to binge!

This Saturday felt like a struggle because I’m pmsing and wanted some crappy food and ice cream so i allowed myself but i also took the time to go for a run.

Highs and lows: This weekend I did my second 5k and was able to shave off approximately 20 minutes, just from losing 50lbs from the last one! I was so proud of myself, wasn't physically dying after, and didn't have a terrible time! I'm excited to start preparing for another one!  I'm hoping to keep the physical activity up during this fertility journey so that I can help myself live without these medications.  The lows are that yesterday I feel like I was REALLY struggling with hunger all day and then was having guild about feeling as though I was binging all day. 

During the rest of the week, so far, I have been doing pretty well with managing hunger and discomfort. I also, feel like I am worried less about weight gain and feeling more mentally sound. I am, however, still counting my calories and working to add more healthy food to combat the hunger, and drink more water.

As of Friday, I am taking a pause from my shots. I have a decent amount in stock but as we have been discussing trying to have another child, I would like to start the process sooner, rather than later, and begin the two months needed to detox from these meds to see how I can handle the weight issues mentally. As of Friday, I was on shots for 58 weeks, between Compound, and Zepbound, and I ended at 189.2lbs, which is a -129lb decrease from starting these meds, and -153.8lb decrease from my highest weight.

This journey has been absolutely the most amazing journey I have ever been on and I truly feel like I am beginning to love living in this body, which is why the decision to get off these meds is so difficult for me. I know, looking at my daughter, that if I had to gain it all back just to haver her, I would do it 1 million times, so this is a risk I have to take.

I have had some fluctuation where I am up a few ounces yesterday and today, which has me all emotional and triggered. In an attempt to maintain, I have re-downloaded MyFitnessPal, and am doing some calorie tracking, just to monitor and be aware of how my intake has been changing and to focus on the hunger triggers as the medicine leaves my system. So far, I have been maintaining my low calories pretty well, and I'm hoping to maintain within a few pounds. Obviously, being under 200lbs was my goal weight, and now that I am there, I do not want to go back over, but I am aware that is extremely unlikely.

Just wanted to pop in for a little update. I’ve been stressing a lot about my insurance change that got rid of access to glp1s. I attempted to go through honest care to get an appeal written, however, since the med is no longer on my formulary there is no appeal allowed.

So the game plan now is it wait and switch to my husband’s insurance in June and use up the shots i have stashed until then. I’m tempted to get some compound built up so that i don’t use all of my stash until compound is done in April.

I can’t believe how amazing of a year it has been! I am down -124.6 on the glp-1 and down -149.4 from my highest! I feel incredible and in control of my life for once!

I am happy to report that during this last week, i achieved my initial goal of hitting 195! I know that is nowhere near a “healthy” weight but it is such an amazing change from the life i was living. I cannot say enough amazing about this life changing medication!!

Additionally, I’ve had some insurance issues as my plan has dropped obesity meds. I have been in a panic, obviously, regarding these changes. However, I’ve been processing some of my options, specifically since the use of safe compounding is about to be removed.

I’m planning to attempt to use an agency they specializes in appeals for glp1’s to fight it for my conditions that qualify me other than obesity. If that doesn’t work, we have found that my husband’s insurance does cover it so I’ll move over to his. This substantially eased my anxiety!

Also, this week i read a book on the evils of the food industry and have now been on a war path about what these companies do to us and our families! I often look at my daughter and worry for her genetics. This has been a motivator to try and clean out our eating at home! This came after seeing a tik tok about companies paying for research on additives to bypass the effects of glp1 to make them more addicting!

Feeling really good this week! I’m officially 1 lb until I’m at the original goal i set for myself, and hopefully next week i will be there at my one year of being on this amazing med!

I had 3 situations in the past week where i saw people that i have not seen in a long time and that is always a very uncomfortable situation for me. People feel the need to comment on how different i look and the change, which is lovely but i feel extreme discomfort over the person I was before.

Didn’t post last week when i had a GREAT week as i started 15mg, and now this week i had no movement at all! Which is better than a gain! I had my period this week and it was a struggle, so that is how I’m choosing to make sense of it.

We finally finished our move and have been struggling with our stove being broke so things have been very chaotic around here.

I had to make a new graphic and decided I’m going to finish up my year on zepbound and be done with this graphic. I still plan to track but will probably start fresh instead of using this cluttered one! Updating my monthly tracker as well!

I know as i get closer to my goal I’m losing less and less each month, which is disappointing but i have to remember how far i have come. Looking at the pictures from my daughter’s bday party last year to this year are inspiring!