#trigger warning panic attack

trigger warning panic attack

so um, i had a panic attack last night. it had kind of been building all day and came crashing down the moment I was alone and though that I wrote this. enjoy i guess

This had to be the worst feeling. Your chest was so tight it hurt, like your lungs were trying to suffocate you. Your head hurt like you’d been hanging upside down on the monkey bars for half an hour. You were miserable, yet Sid slept peacefully.

All you could do was lay there, breathing manually, doing everything you could to will away the shaky panicked feeling that had a vice grip on your body. You focused on the soft sheets Sid insisted you had on the bed, the heat radiating from his side, and his breathing. No matter what you did, you felt your body begin to trembling. Feeling tears start to run down the side of your face, you sat up, scrubbing them away; forcing a deep breath, it burned. You continued to shake harder until the bed shook under you. You prayed Sid would sleep through this; he had a game tomorrow.

That wish decimated with the light on his side of the room clicking on. You heard him move behind you, given your back was facing him as you tried to ground yourself by putting your feet on the carpeted floor.

Summary: Virgil, Logan and Patton visits Roman's imaginary kingdom and finds out that they all have titles amongst the subjects in Roman's kingdom.

Warnings: Near panic attack, a bit of arguing, food mention, first fic

Words: 2724

(This is an idea from a conversation with @chemically-imbalanced-romance that sprouted from his amazing fanfiction. You can find both our conversation and the fanfic here.)

Taglist: @chemically-imbalanced-romance, @painfullybisexual

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Virgil would normally never agree to go with Roman on any of his quests, as he never knew what might happen. Roman had asked so many times, but now, he no longer invited him to adventures about slaying dragons or witches (or both, damn Dragonwitch), instead he asked Virgil to join him for picnics or walks. Roman wasn't an idiot. He realised quickly that Virgil would never join him on any trip that could end in danger. Therefore, he opted for ideas, where they could relax. He even made an entire kingdom, where no dangerous beast resided. He was normally against that, but he would do anything to bring Everlasting Gloom a new piece of scenery.

Virgil finally accepted. He was nervous the whole way to Roman's room. He was on edge inside the room and he tensed up, when they stepped through his mirror. But he gasped in wonder when he saw the forest and the pond and the small village and the fields and-

"Woaw, easy there, Fall Out Emo!" Roman had cought Virgil before he fell over from dissiness. Virgil grumbled, removed himself from Roman and pretended to smooth out the vrinkles in his hoodie.

"Soooo? What do you think?" Roman vedged, already knowing that Virgil at least found it somewhat impressive. Virgil rolled his eyes. Roman would do anything to get a compliment.

"It's nice, I guess…" it was a bit too bright for his tastes, but it was grand, and it was… Roman. Yeah, it was nice… Roman's smile seemed to light up the fantasy world even more. He puffed out his chest.

"Awww, I knew you loved me, Edgelord!" 

"Whatever, did you want to show me something, or what?" Virgil puffed. He was a bit on edge. What if Roman was going to drag him all the war through the village or up to the castle? …. Or into the castle?! Virgil's breath quickened and he started to tremble. He could feel a tingle running up his spine. His head felt numb and ice cold and heavy. He felt like he was drowning. He didn't want to go there. There would be crowded as everybody would surely want to greet their prince! What if they got seperated?! What if he got lost? He would never be able to get ou- 

"Virgil" Roman's voice cut throught his muddled thoughts like a sword… no… more like… water rinsening a dirty stone free of grime.

"S-sorry" damn, he hated his voice for stuttering. He wasn't weak! Roman searched his face, not with pity, but some kind of nearly-understanding. The prince gently took his arm and led him towards the pond. Virgil started to relax. The hand on his arm was like an ancre, keeping him grounded. Luckily, there were no people around the area, just like Virgil liked it. There would be nobody to damand his attention (besides Roman) or question him or being loud. He was starting to work himself up again. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. This was important to Roman. Roman who had tried so hard to include him and be kinder. They still bantered, but the words weren't so harsh anymore. 

They had reached the small lake. Ducks swam around, quacking and filling their beaks with the gross-green-whatever that was floating around in the water. He could never remember what it was called. They sat down and enjoyed the scenery. 

"Did you know that ducks can't eat bread? It will fill them up, so they don't feel hungry, but they get no nutrience from it, so they might starve to death." Virgil shared.

"Tumblr?" Roman asked. Patton would most likely have started crying and Logan would have given him a more detailed report as to why and how this happened. Roman would usually have made a dramatic gasp, sworn to protect the ducks from bread-feeding or proclaimed Virgil a mood-killer. But he didn't. The Sides where more than the Sides. They were more than what aspects they represented. And if Roman could put away his need for dramatics, Virgil could at least try to put away his negative demeanor.

"You are- It's really- … You did a really good job with this world… I like it… a lot…" Virgil wished that his tounge would stop tripping over itself. He nearly continued talking about the flaws of this world, but stopped himself in time and it was worth it. Roman's eyes were wide in astonishment. His hands flew up to his mouth while he squeeled in glee. Virgil snorted and gave a little smirk. 

The moment was ruined when a man ran towards them. Virgil tensed up again, when Roman rose to his feet. The man seemed excited and not frightened, but it did nothing to lessen Virgil's rising anxiety. 

"PRINCE ROMAN! PRINCE ROMAN! WHAT AN HONOUR!!!" The man yelled eagerly. Virgil guessed that he was a knight. He was certainly dressed as one. The anxious side had no idea, how the man was able to run that far with a chainmail, but everything was possible in Roman's imagination, he thought. 

"What is troubling you, Lancelot?" Roman asked worried. Virgil snorted at the name and Roman shot him a look. 

"Prince Roman, you have returned!" the man exclaimed and could barely stand still. "Your subjects have awaited you! You must come quickly! They are all waiting for you!" 

Roman shook his head, "My apologies, but I'm here in a different errand at the moment, but I will return soon enough," he said and gestured at Virgil, who had placed himself behind Roman. 

"Oh! The Shadow King! My apologies, sire! I did not see you!" the knight said and bowed deeply. Roman made an affronted noise and turned towards Virgil. 

"Shadow King??! How come, you're a king, when I'm a prince?! That hardly seems fair! And how come, my own subjects seem to have you in higher regards than me?! I created them!" By now the world had paused. The knight stood still as a statue, mouth still open while he was raising himself from his bow. If you looked up, you would see birds, frozen mid-flight, still in the air. It unnerved Virgil. It didn't feel right. 

He shrugged. He honestly had no idea as he had never met any of Roman's "subjects" before. 

He smirked. 

"Maybe, it's because I'm better than you?" he tried to sound innocent, but his growing smile ruined the effect.

Roman was better at hiding his own smile, when he grabbed his sword to stand in a majestic pose. 

"In your dreams, Emo Nightmare!" heh, back at the old nicknames, huh? Virgil chuckled and shook his head. 

"Let's head back to the others," Virgil said as he stretched "I wonder, what the others are called in your kingdom? Dr Bookworm and Mr Sunshine? Or do you think they have more regal names?" Virgil glanced at Roman, who huffed, but wore a thoughtful expression. The Prince led the way home. The trip was kind of ruined anyway and both parts were more curious about whatever the other two could possibly be called by imaginary townsfolk.

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"I could be a fairy!" Patton exclaimed, "And Logan would probably be a wizard or something!" he seemed to enjoy the idea a lot. 

"Although, I do not know as to why, Virgil was given a title by Roman's imaginary world, I do not believe that we can "choose" our own character as one would in a game," Logan said.

"Then we have no choice, but to find out! It's Adventure Time!" Roman was already ready for another trip, while Virgil just wanted to retreat to his room for a bit. Even though, their time in Roman's room hadn't lasted for more than half an hour, he felt worn out. Logan noticed this. 

"Perhaps we should wait with this experiment and conduct it tomorrow instead? This way, I will not need to interrupt my reading, and Patton will not burn down the mindscape with that bakery of his." 

"Bakery?" 

"MY CAKE!!!"

Patton's cake had been saved just in time, although it was a bit dark in the edges. They hadn't had the chance to taste it yet, as Patton had been determined in using it for their picnic the next day. If they were visiting the fantasy realm, they might as well make it enjoyable.

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Logan had been quick to point out birds that were made up, as he didn't recognize them and Roman was just as quick to refuse the offer of borrowing a book from the logical side about different bird species. Logan couldn't see the point of making up new birds, if Roman didn't even know, what they ate or why they had such amazing colours. 

"You are completely ignoring Darwin's theories of evolution! Take that bird for example! Why is its beak blue?! Is it a part of its performance for its mate? Is it because blue objects attract its prey? You cannot just make up a new race without-"

"Logan, PLEASE! Please stop… I don't care about all of that! Its beak is blue because it looks good!" 

Virgil and Patton shared a look and sighed. They could go on like this for hours.

“Can we please have our picnic now, guys?” Patton tried to defuse the growing tension. The two sides tried to be better at not arguing so often, they all did, but sometimes, it just couldn’t be helped. When you lived with people who were so different from yourself, arguments would naturally arise. And Patton was usually the one to go to, if you wanted a fight to break up. One would think that the others didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but the truth was that there was a reason for him to be the dad of their group. You didn’t want to face him in full Dad Mode. It was terrifying.

Roman and Logan quickly agreed and helped spread out the blanket. Roman found some rocks to place in the corners so the blanket wouldn’t flutter away. 

“What do you think this world would call us?” Patton wondered, it was hard for him to just relax and enjoy his slightly dry cake. “Maybe I’m the Dogfather!” he grinned.

“Patton, you cannot be a dog father as you are neither a dog nor an actual father,” Logan explained, while Roman groaned into his hands. Virgil tried to smother his sniggers. Patton ignored them all.

“Logan! You can be The Sun!” Patton gasped. Logan squinted. He knew what was coming.

“How so?” he asked. He might as well get it over with.

“Because you brighten up my day!”

Logan sighed. It seemed he couldn’t avoid neither idiocy nor puns today. He turned to Virgil, who was trying to keep a straight face.

“Shall we get this over with? I honestly couldn’t care less about whatever title Roman’s little world made up for us, but I surely hope that it doesn’t take a whole day. I do have other plans.”

Virgil rolled his eyes and huffed.

“I’m with you, dude.”

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The picnic had been... nice… Virgil and Roman had as usual one of their disagreements, which wasn’t all bad as they tried to not be too insulting, but when Virgil had commented on how Roman didn’t live up to the princes in Disney, Roman had picked up his piece of cake and smashed into the anxious side’s face. And thus, the food war had begun. They looked like a mess. In the end, Virgil had apologised. He had definitely crossed a line. In turn, Roman had apologised as well. They still looked like an un-cool mess, but they were no longer glaring at each other.

Roman noticed how Patton was overflowing with excitement and Logan was overflowing with…. Impatience… and decided to get it over with. He loved his dreamscape, but knew that the others didn’t have such a strong attachment to it. While he could spend hours in there, the others were already done and over with it. Well, except for Patton, naturally, but he was excited about nearly everything. Therefore, Roman decided to call for his trusty knight, Sir Lancelot. The name certainly lacked creativity, but he had liked the character so much, that he had to use it himself.

The knight appeared almost immediately from a path near the forest. This time, he was riding a nut-brown horse.

“Prince Roman! You have returned!” the knight was quick to bow down as soon his feet landed on the ground. In the beginning, Roman had made all his imaginary figures talk like in the middle ages, but it had quickly grown old and insufferable.

“Sir Lancelot! You’ve already met Virgil here-“

“Ah, yes! The Shadow King!” the knight bowed again 

Roman squinted at the man. He had interrupted him! How dare he?! Roman sniffed before turning his attention toward his nearly blind friends.

“Yes. As I was saying; you’ve already met Virgil, but here’s my other friends, Logan and Patton!” the prince swung out his arm as in presentation. Patton held his breath, waiting for the outcome. The two left-brained sides rolled their eyes. 

For the third time that day, the knight bowed and it was honestly getting tiring, according to Virgil, who bit his tongue to keep his sarcastic remarks at bay. Logan had the same opinion, but could also see the value, the knight held in terms to Roman and his self-worth. It was painfully clear now, how much Roman craved the attention, respect and acknowledgement the knight overflowed Roman with. Logan made sure to remember note it down and praise Roman a bit more in the future. Of course only because it would help Thomas’ well-being. Naturally.

“Lord of the Nerds and King of Hearts!” the man exclaimed. Virgil snorted and hid his face behind his bangs, his shit-eating grin still visible.

Logan blinked, not quite believing what he just heard.

“Awwww! That’s cute! I’m the King of Hearts AND I HEART YOU ALL!!!” Patton yelled flailed his arms around.

“Well, now that this is over with, I believe that it is time to return. Agreed?” Logan was so done with this whole escapade and just waited for them to return to the mindscape.

“Well, I can only say that this turned out to be a CAT-ASTRO-phe!” the others stared at him and seemed confused.

“What? Logan told me that ‘astro’ means star! And I also really like cats…” Patton giggled. Virgil snorted, while Logan continued to look confused.

“But why would you mention stars? You usually follow some kind of logic with your... so-called witty puns,” Logan looked like he had smelled something unfortunate.

“Because you’re my star,” the moral side whispered.

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It was a few days after their trip and one might believe that they had pushed the whole ordeal to the back of their minds or that everybody had forgotten about it. Sadly, that was not the case. Ever since they had returned, whenever Roman and Logan was arguing, Roman had pulled his so-called ‘trump-card’. 

“Logan, please remember, who the prince is here!” he would say and make some kind of sassy pose. It was getting tiring and old really quickly.

“To be honest, our so-called titles form your underlings does not matter to me the slightest, and I cannot see, why you put so much weight on a nick-name from somebody that has only met us once.” Logan was getting ready to throw in the metaphorical blanket and just give up. In Roman’s dreamscape he had realised just how dependent the Prince was of flattery, acknowledgement and praise, and he really tried to not drag him down, but it was getting hard with the way Roman continuously tried to fight and mock him with their new-found titles.

“What’s the matter Logan? Can’t handle me being better at something than you?” Roman glowered, while Patton and Virgil was sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and coffee, respectively. 

“I wouldn’t quite say that, as I have no interest in these titles, therefore it does not matter to me if your rank is higher is mine. You on the other hand-“

Originally this was only going to be small ficlet but they got a wee bit more than that out of me. I don’t know where this even came from but I had this idea that Lucy wakes up in Alex’s bed in the middle of the night because she hears extremely loud noises outside and it triggers her PTSD/ A panic attack and Alex helps her through it. This is the first time I’ve really written either of them so be gentle on me? I don’t have a beta either, all mistakes are my own.  As a note: They’re pretty much dating but are both oblivious to that fact. It’s not just hanging out as much as they can and the hot sex, but they’d laugh in anyone's face who suggested they are an item.  Cross Posted to strongandfree on Ao3  "Luce?"

When she was with James he had always tried to coax her back into bed when it happened, and of course, eventually she'd relax and give in, but with Alex, it was a completely different story. They'd had toe-curling sex and she'd fallen asleep without putting her earplugs in. She was out cold until she'd heard the god damn street cleaner go by. She shot up out of bed, panic gripping her chest, her throat felt thick and dry as she swallowed. She reached under her pillow but her hands only found the smooth fabric of cotton sheets instead of metal. She had been searching for her gun. It only took a minute for her surroundings to completely register and for her to realize that she wasn't in any life threatening danger. Still, still she was scared from the chaotic battlefield memories that flashed before her eyes, the loud noise outside had triggered and ambush on her senses. It sent cold shivers prickling over her skin.

Fucking shit! Not again...

I want to look down on you while you gasp and cry and feel the pain you caused me

and I think my therapist would say that that doesn't make me a bad person but I think it does

Because you can articulate the pain I caused you and I can't do that to mine I can just feel it but oh god I caused that hurt and I'm so sorry so sorry so sorry

Please please stop sending me articles and details. It's very triggering and as a disabled person it's ten fold. i have had a panic attack because you keep flooding me and my personal. I don't care about you calling me fat or insulting my appearance but my sa in childhood is absolutely vividly disgusting. my disabilities have messed with sleep and my rp speeds.But I am trying to just have fun. I usually ignore you but I am begging you to please stop and part of me wants you to see how other people find this disgusting as I do. i really really want to fix it. I don't know why you are so upset with me. As far as I know, I am okay with everyone. Haven't even been blocked