#transrelationship

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— Transfriend / Transconfab [trans + friend/confab]

Where one feels like they should be friends with somebeing or a multiple beings.

NOTE: if this term has been coined, please let mus know.

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— Transcrush [trans + crush]

Where one feels like they should have a crush on somebeing(s) or be crushed on.

This weekend my Himsy (new term of endearment) and I had a wedding to attend. We had many a conversation about our attire leading up to the event.

I sense that Himsy is most comfortable when his dress is comfortable. I can only imagine what it has been like dressing as a woman all these years. I equate it to working in West Texas and not being out at work. Living a closeted life is challenging, hurtful, and often scary.

When we made the move to Austin, I decided I would be honest about my life. If asked, I would answer honestly about my home life. It was as simple and trivial as that.

So, I am constantly asking myself what I can do to assist him in reaching a maximum level of comfort in this stage of transition. This weekend, I wanted him to have a pair of men’s chinos or slacks to wear to the wedding. Saturday we had breakfast and set out on our journey.

It pained me to watch him feel awkward using a female dressing room and then watch women stare at his legs and clothes when in the women’s dressing room. It bothered me more than it did him, but it didn’t seem fair.

I do not claim to have this all figured out, but I do know how fiercely protective I am over him.

In the end, it took going to an all male clothing store to receive the greatest level of service with not one second of judgement. Our shopper was so sweet, so helpful, and set up a dressing room for him with no second of doubt. He found a snazzy pair of navy slacks that he paired with cognac brogues, navy striped dress socks, and a navy striped button down. I felt very lucky to have such a handsome date.

Since his social networking debut I have had a myriad of questions. Some have taken me by surprise and others have been very thoughtful. I welcome questions because I never want someone to forget about the human element here. If you feel comfortable enough to ask me about our life then I want to be as honest with you as I can with my answers.

I do not know how many trans people you know. If we are the first trans couple you know well enough to ask questions then please do so. You know us. You know the kind of people we are. When those tough or thought provoking questions come to your attention regarding trans rights or trans culture…

I want you to think of us and our ordinary life.

I also want you to think of the amount of bravery and fear that comes with being public about such a declaration.

Well, we’ve been talking about this for weeks. Britt’s gender therapist had him make a timeline for steps in his transition. One of the first was coming out to close family and friends. Then to come out on social media.

Well, the bandage has been ripped off. I introduced my husband to the Instagram world after he posted his first selfie in his first suit. Tonight is the Greater Austin High School Musical Theatre Awards and his school is a nominee. He ordered his first suit for the occasion. I tied his tie.

I’ve been sitting here for about an hour now thinking back on all of this. I’ve been all over the place emotionally about this. Tonight was really surreal.

One of the very first things I did after Britt told me about his wishes was buy him man pants. Or men’s underwear. I don’t really know what possessed me to do such a thing. You see, we’ve been on this journey since October. Almost no one has known until recently. I wanted to be supportive. I wanted him to feel comfortable in his baby steps in manhood. His underwear would be something no one could see but he could feel…

Much like how he felt for so long.

So, I took my happy ass to four stores and bought five types of underwear. My favorite being some poop emoji boxer briefs. They are still our favorite.

I have shed many tears. I know I will continue to do so as I mourn the loss of my wife Brittany. However, I’m learning that love is love is love. Whatever Britt’s soul is made of mine is too.

I’m a thinker, I cannot help myself.

I’ve been up most of the night with this current struggle.

What makes someone male vs female other than chromosomes. How can you know if you were born in the right body?

The only comparison I have to the internal struggle my person is feeling is being a lesbian. I cannot describe how I know I’m a lesbian other than to say I feel it deeply within me. No, I’ve never been straight. No I have never been with a man but I know deep down it is not for me.

So, I this is what I have to compare how it must feel being born in the wrong body. You may not be able to pinpoint what inherently makes you feel male inside but you just know it.

Now, my struggle is I want to believe I am intelligent enough and love enough that the body is merely the vessel for the soul I have fallen in love with all these years. However, I still find myself having a difficult time imagining myself walking down a street holding the hand of a man, going to bed at night with a man, kissing a hairy face good night.

If the argument is, internally I am already doing these things because inside my person is already a male…

Then I have to say that doesn’t hold water for me. The same need to have my persons outside match their insides, is the driving force behind my indescribable need to be with a female.

I do not know if any of this makes sense.