When I found out I'm trans nonbinary ten years ago, I automatically assumed I'm transmasculine as well. Afab people who don't (exclusively) identify as a woman, would be transmasculine and amab people who don't (exclusively) identify as a man, would be transfeminine. And since then, I never really thought that much about it anymore.
But since someone close to me, who doesn't fit this simple definition, recently came out to me as transmasculine, I started questioning myself too. Of course I don't have to. Two people can use the same label with contradicting definitions and still respect each others identities. But it made me realize, that the definition that I used for myself until now, starts to feel like a binary with extra steps. It would basically just mean afab trans. It's a discussion on it's own how (in)accurate and (un)important the afab/amab binary is. But either way, I'm not sure if I actively want to use a label for my genderidenty that is basically just that. And also use the transmasc pride flag everywhere, like I do with all my other pride flags.
Now of course I can just find a new definition and depending on that, still decide to call myself transmasculine. But I have no idea what that definition would be. There are so many definitions online. Some would fit me, some don't. For example that transmasculine means that you're simply both transgender and masculine. But making a separate label for that, doesn't make much sense to me. Yes, I am both. But putting those two things in one word? Another example is transitioning to become more masculine. A, compared to what you used to have, "more masculine" name, pronouns, gendermarker, clothes, hair, hormones, chest, genitalia, etc. I did some of those, but not all. So I would fit that definition too. But it feels a bit too simple and medical. Everyone's transition is different. And not the same thing as genderidentity.
I don't relate to a lot of other people who call themselves transmasc. That doesn't have to be a problem. Transmasc people are diverse. But it is another reason for me to question the label for myself. A lot of people see transmasc as almost synonym for trans man, which I'm definitely not. And I know a lot of trans people. But the majority is transfemme. Maybe just because transfemme people are usually more active in transcommunities in general. But still. I notice that I usually connect easier with transfeminine people. But there are exceptions of course.
I'm not saying that I'm not transmasculine and that I will immediately throw all my transmasc pride merch out. But I can't confidently say anymore that I am. I just don't know.
I know that there are also people who use other terms that are similar to the transmasculine and transfeminine labels. Like transneutral, transandrogynous and many more. It does make sense that this is something you can't put in a binary either. But I still don't really know what any transsomething label means now. Is it simply trans+opposite of assigned sex at birth or trans+genderexpression or something else?
Maybe I will just call myself trans nonbinary and that that's it.
