#transfear

Coming from a very conservative family and heritage as we do dear cousin, what has been your biggest obstacle to overcome in that regard? - Robert

OK so this comes from my cousin Rob. There are many reasons that this is tough, and I fear this answer may get personal, but my aim is to educate and help. Not shame. So... Here goes *gulp*

Some time ago, there was a debacle online about Caitlyn Jenner. And Rob, you ‘corrected’ people on her gender, by using male pronouns. Now I get that the intent was because you don’t like her (neither do I, I’m not a fan of anyone who gets behind the giant cheeto in office) but here’s the thing - by doing that, you become part of the transphobia issue. And also, as a member of my family, it added to my stress load quite a bit. See, here’s the thing - if you don’t like someone, fine, but please don’t bring their gender identity in to it. Or their sexuality. If you don’t like someone, comment on the things that you don’t like about them. I mean I don’t like how she’s put herself in the position as the poster girl for transwomen. To be perfectly honest, I’d rather not think about her too much, but that’s for another post, possibly.

Anyway, that moment really reminded me that I’m the odd ball on both sides of my family. As Rob said, our family is a little on the conservative side. All very two point four, you know? I felt safe growing up, but almost like I had too many colours inside of me, and I felt the need to explode like a firework. I’m slowly getting there now. Anyway, the afore mentioned incident reminded me of how emotionally isolated I can be at times, both deliberately at times and not. I mean, I get very defensive and shy away from the family occasionally as I can’t face feeling so different all the time. I feel like an ‘other’. Because of that, it made it incredibly difficult to come to terms with myself, let alone come out. I was scared that this would be the final straw. That I’d be pushed out even more. As it stands, coming out has not made me feel better, in fact I feel worse, as I feel like I’ve some how hurt those that I love. I can’t help it. I’m still me. So there’s that and there’s the fact that ever since I came out, my parents and I don’t really talk about emotional stuff. I want to help them come to terms with things, but I balk every time. I’ve taken to emailing them with things, and that seems to be a happy medium for me. I can do that, while sweating and crying. I want them to know I’m still me. Just a me that wants to change a body that I feel has failed me. I don’t know if they read this blog. I hope they do, but you never know. I’m very comfortable being raw with a (mostly) faceless audience. It’s soothing in a way.