Neither Fish Nor Fowl

Coming from a very conservative family and heritage as we do dear cousin, what has been your biggest obstacle to overcome in that regard? - Robert

OK so this comes from my cousin Rob. There are many reasons that this is tough, and I fear this answer may get personal, but my aim is to educate and help. Not shame. So... Here goes *gulp*

Some time ago, there was a debacle online about Caitlyn Jenner. And Rob, you ‘corrected’ people on her gender, by using male pronouns. Now I get that the intent was because you don’t like her (neither do I, I’m not a fan of anyone who gets behind the giant cheeto in office) but here’s the thing - by doing that, you become part of the transphobia issue. And also, as a member of my family, it added to my stress load quite a bit. See, here’s the thing - if you don’t like someone, fine, but please don’t bring their gender identity in to it. Or their sexuality. If you don’t like someone, comment on the things that you don’t like about them. I mean I don’t like how she’s put herself in the position as the poster girl for transwomen. To be perfectly honest, I’d rather not think about her too much, but that’s for another post, possibly.

Anyway, that moment really reminded me that I’m the odd ball on both sides of my family. As Rob said, our family is a little on the conservative side. All very two point four, you know? I felt safe growing up, but almost like I had too many colours inside of me, and I felt the need to explode like a firework. I’m slowly getting there now. Anyway, the afore mentioned incident reminded me of how emotionally isolated I can be at times, both deliberately at times and not. I mean, I get very defensive and shy away from the family occasionally as I can’t face feeling so different all the time. I feel like an ‘other’. Because of that, it made it incredibly difficult to come to terms with myself, let alone come out. I was scared that this would be the final straw. That I’d be pushed out even more. As it stands, coming out has not made me feel better, in fact I feel worse, as I feel like I’ve some how hurt those that I love. I can’t help it. I’m still me. So there’s that and there’s the fact that ever since I came out, my parents and I don’t really talk about emotional stuff. I want to help them come to terms with things, but I balk every time. I’ve taken to emailing them with things, and that seems to be a happy medium for me. I can do that, while sweating and crying. I want them to know I’m still me. Just a me that wants to change a body that I feel has failed me. I don’t know if they read this blog. I hope they do, but you never know. I’m very comfortable being raw with a (mostly) faceless audience. It’s soothing in a way.

Yes folks, I opened my blog up to questions again. So... Here goes!

Do you want to keep your 'born with' parts or not? Does it depend person to person? - Cressie

I want to make this clear right at the start... and I’m sure you already know this, because you’re all lovely. But never ask a transperson straight off if they still have their original bits. It’s creepy. Super creepy. ‘Oh hai unusual transperson, do you still have a vagina?’ Think about it for a second. Now that I’ve said that, here’s to answering the question! It is absolutely down to the person. Surgery is highly invasive and can often involve long periods of recuperation. I mean some non-binary folks are ok without any form of surgery. I have also just discovered that my bust size can affect the type of breast reduction surgery I can get. I’m not sure how I feel about that as I had previously thought that there was only one way. More on that later, maybe. As you can tell, I’m musing over the idea of breast reduction surgery. I do also suffer massive penis envy, but the surgery to have a penis constructed involves a lot, as described here (warning, some pics are a bit nsfw) http://transitionftmuk.co.uk/phalloplasty/. So you can see that it’s not a simple procedure. Often, as my research uncovered, people who are having phalloplasty end up having a hysterectomy at the same time.

Also, the clitoris grows, apparently, when testosterone comes in to play. So, as it stands right now, I think I wouldn’t have bottom surgery (phalloplasty) but would have top surgery (breast reduction/removal).

I can’t say I can speak for those that are born with penises. However, it does seem that in terms of most trans people (mtf, ftm and all those in between) top surgery seems to be the more common of the two surgeries. I think, personally speaking, as it’s one of the more visible indicators of gender.

I do know, agaiin from personal experience, that my genitals do often make sex difficult, as my partners want to stimulate me. While I enjoy being touched *there*... often, my vagina will sort of switch off as I go in to my head space and hide there. It’s very hard for partners to make me orgasm because of that, which, in the past has been rather upsetting for both of us. It’s natural to want your partner to reach climax. To please your partner. However SSP is well aware that that will likely not happen for me. And I think she’s ok with that. I hope she is ha ha!! I also can, on occasion, get a crazy kind of sadness that I don’t get the same sensations with a dildo as someone who is born male would with a penis. But again, I have coping mechanisms for that, that work. mostly.

Right, I’m going to sign off now, as it’s 4am and I’ve got college at 10am.

Ok so... I’ve been busy hiding in a mental health hole. It hasn’t been good at all. But I wanted to update you on my situation. OK so, parents’ response had been encouraging, but... then... my mother spoke to me while I was having a panic attack. Now, before I go further, I should reiterate (I think I’ve already mentioned this) that she never came to terms with her daughter being gay. Ever. She tolerated it, but would call my partners my ‘friend’ at family gatherings and so on. That kind of thing. You know? Like, understated homophobia. So needless to say I was overjoyed with their email. They wanted to learn! They wanted to find out about my situation!! And then the phone call happened. She noticed I was stressed and told me she felt I should give something up. I said that I didn’t want to give up work or college, so what could I give up? And she said that I could ‘give up being transgender’. The conversation ended very quickly after that, and we haven’t spoken since. I have sent them links, though, and information on my situation. My dad emailed back, saying that he was keen to read it all. I’m not sure how my mother will be. My mother doesn’t see beyond her little bubble a lot of the time. It’s extremely frustrating and upsetting. But, it could be worse. It could be A LOT worse. I’m actually a very privileged cookie, considering. It is just hard to see it sometimes. 

HOWEVER!! College, on the other-hand... all my tutors, and students are adjusting to my new name and so on. And they’re all asking the right questions and being very sweet. One of them informed me that he might have trouble with my name, and I told him that that’s ok, as long as he tries. He smiled. I don’t know why but that moment made me feel so much better about things. People want to try. People care enough to do right by me. This is greatly encouraging. Especially given that, with the political climate being the way it is, as well as my mother, the world feels like it’s against LGBTQIA rights. I want to avoid getting too political in my posts, but this whole Trump and May thing has really gotten to me. So having this gentle moment of caring and love made up for so much of the misery I’ve been looking at. I know it didn’t fix anything, but it encouraged me to keep fighting. To keep standing with my fellow (for wont of a less genderised word) man. To shake my left fist in the face of adversity.

Thank you,

So. I did it. I faced my fears and emailed my folks. Yes. I emailed. I know it sounds cowardly, but I wanted to get what I needed to say out of my system without interruption. I also wanted to give them time to chew things over before they got back to me. And yes, I was terrified. To the point I was sobbing and hyperventilating as I sent it. I told them I loved them. I told them I respected them, and then I told them that I was going to change my name to Dylan, and explained that I didn’t quite know where I was on the spectrum. And then... I waited... in fear... in pain. I was so worried about what their response would be. I don’t think I ate much.

But respond they did. They told me that they didn’t understand and would need help. That they supported me. But... right at the start of the email, they dead-named me. Now I know, they will take their time getting used to a new name for me, but I had literally just told them. It stung, and made it glaringly obvious that they don’t know what’s going on with me. But I have time and I am patient enough to take them through it in a few days. Right now, I just need to take some time to be just me and figure things out. I thought coming out would give me some relief but, if anything, it’s made me feel quite a bit worse. I’m now worrying that my parents are scared and confused. But that’s me. I’m very concerned about how people will take things. I don’t want to hurt anyone. So much so it’s prevented me from growing properly. But I’m trying to take the bull by it’s horns now and go full steam ahead. But I don’t regret it. I know that in a few days, relief will come. Right now, I’m crumbling. I’m feeling pretty suicidal. But I’m holding on.

I want to offer the faceless few advice. Don’t worry about coming out via email. It’s not wrong. Just make it clear to those involved your reasons for doing it that way (I told my parents the reasons above). Be clear. Be loving. Be kind. For some, it’s the best way. Our family are not super close, but I care deeply about them. it’s odd. We don’t ‘do’ feelings, which is hard for a sensitive wee thing like me. SSP (Super Supportive Partner) showed me a page about a coming out letter https://www.transactiveonline.org/inabind/comingout.php. This was enough to give me the courage to just do it.

On the topic of SSP. I can’t explain how amazing she’s been. She’s been rather unwell of late, but she has been SO helpful when I’ve been floundering. And loving. And kind. I’m a lucky bean. Not many in my situation are as lucky as I am. I’m just hoping that she sticks around, as the next few years are going to be bumpy as all hell if I start to transition. I just... I can’t explain how much I appreciate her right now.

Hi tumble-bees,

So... it’s been a while. I’ve had a weird festive period, between thinking about coming out to the parents, to going back in to a depression, to feeling useless, to working my first Christmas (which was surprisingly fantastic). I think the festive period is hard for many, but it’s been super hard for me this year for a number of reasons. So I’m going to try to actually focus on the positives to do with gendery wendery stuffs.

Cards

This year, I got my first cards with Dylan on. Or Dyllie as my friend has decided to call me. This... I don’t know, it touched me beyond measure. It’s the little things in life that keep you ticking. Like, I wasn’t aware that people would start using it as soon as they have and it... well it made my heart thump away happily. There were only one or two, but it’s a start.

Binders

I helped my pseudo non-binary child get a binder. As a pseudo parent, this made me feel such incredible pride. Both in them and in myself. They are taking steps to get help with their body, and ask for it. Asking can be a terrifying process, because it’s another step out of the comfort zone, and an admission that you can’t get through it alone. But we all need to remind ourselves that asking for help, or allowing others to help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of how strong you are. In all walks of life. And I’m thankful that they allowed me to help them take another step. I love them dearly, and would literally do anything I can to help them through their dysphoria issues. I also bought myself a new binder, but it has yet to appear. So my good deed was not entirely selfless!

Today I had a conversation with my Super Supportive Partner (who I will be referring to as SSP from here on in) about asking and invasive-ness (not a word I know, shaddap!)

It started with gentle questioning about my name and what she should call me, and then opened up in to a discussion about all the things I’m going through. I liked it. Having been on the other side before, with my ex, I know what it’s like to feel completely shut out with things, so I am trying hard to forge a totally open communication channel with her. Lets face it, it’s not just my journey too, is it? Not when you are in a loving relationship, as SSP and I are. So I’m telling her about each appointment, and talking her through my fears and so on, but I’m also asking her continually if she has any issues or questions. I think that that’s the only way we can make it work. I want her to feel a part of it. I want her to feel a part of me.

One thing that did come up was the topic of her own sexuality. She identifies as being lesbian. Now, I went through something in the past, with the afore mentioned ex, as, before I started all this, I identified as lesbian (fuck knows what my sexuality would be classed as now).  I’d only ever had relationships with women. Now, to me, it didn’t matter, I love who I love and I fuck whomever I want to fuck (provided they are happy for me to do so). It was other people who minded. Other people who called me ‘straight’ and ‘hasbian’ or ‘has-been’. Now I have told SSP this story before, but I felt it important in some ways that she be reminded, as I want her to know that she is understood and supported. I do also know that I run the risk of losing her with all this. I’ve heard some people say that it’s easier to go through on your own. So far, for me, I’d say that that’s not true for me. I wouldn’t be where I am were it not for her support. I wouldn’t have shared my woes with medical professionals had she not agreed that it was a good idea. I wouldn’t have started counselling had she not been gently encouraging me to do so. I think you just have to be prepared to do a lot of talking if you’re going to make it through as a couple. And if we don’t make it through it all, I’d like to think I would still have her support. But who knows what the future holds.

OK so I asked my friends again for questions, just for when I run dry of things to blog about. I’m actually not dry, as it happens, but when this came up, I felt that this was incredibly important. I’ve had to deal with it a few times and there are several different approaches people take. I will discuss the two main ones that I’ve come across.

The Direct Approach

This is my preferred approach. Just flat out ask me. Be like ‘so... if you identify as NB, what pronouns should I use?’ it’s simple and effective. Others may not agree, and prefer another approach, but it’s what’s best for me.

The Nervous Approach

So. You’re out of a night and a friend keeps referring to someone as ‘they’ or ‘xie’ or some such non-binary name. You become curious as to why, and what’s going on, or you worry that you might have misheard, but instead of clarifying, you sit there and become more and more nervous about it. That makes you uncomfortable, right? I’d rather people be relaxed and comfortable, ultimately, and so am very open to questioning about these things. As are most of my trans community chums. The more you relax about us, the more we relax around you. We want you to be able to just chill out in our company, and not constantly stress about gender pronouns, desperately hoping that it will come up so you can be sure.

Hi there, dear reader!

So... yesterday I had to deal with the police, in relation to the verbal abuse I received after finishing up at the theatre. To catch you up and prevent you from having to find my last post, I’d been called a ‘tranny’. I hate the word, but I’m using it here for the story. So I explain that to the call handler at the non-emergency police station. I also explain my own battle with gender, and that I prefer to be called El, and they take a note and tell me that they will get a policeman to call back. When thy do call back, the gentleman on the end of the phone take the details of the case, and then reassures me by telling me that this is indeed a hate crime and will be taken very seriously. But what happened next was just plain weird.

He then went on to ask me about what non-binary meant, called me Miss, and Elspeth, despite the fact that I had told them not to previously. He also then tells me I have a nice voice. A NICE VOICE??! What the...? THEN his colleague meets me and she calls me female, so I have to explain AGAIN. Give her credit, though, she apologised, unlike her oafish colleague.

So... I was called the t word today by a random stranger. Now, in the past, when that’s happened, I haven’t reacted... I’ve held my head up high and motored on, paying the idiots no heed. Today, I called the police. I’m now doubting myself a bit if I’m honest, but, oh I don’t know... even if I misheard, or it wasn’t aimed at me, it’s better to do something and be proven wrong than to hide from it in fear. Especially after yesterday. I won’t stand for this shit anymore. I won’t hide any more.

I mean, I was born in to a fairly conservative family. Everything was popped in to conventional little boxes - for example, girls don’t play video games and boys can do whatever they like except cry. I remember once asking my mumwhy my brother was allowed out later than me when he was my age, and she answered with ‘because he’s a boy’. So I lived, hiding from myself and the things I wanted to enjoy. Now I’m breaking out of that, I feel the need to try to make it easier for others.

That hiding, and that fear meant that I grew up horribly confused and scared, not just of society, but of myself and who I was. I couldn’t understand why my vagina meant I shouldn’t play video games. I got the lateness thing, because my mum was scared I’d be assaulted, but there are reasons for that, that I didn’t know at the time. It meant that I tried so hard to fit myself in to these irritatingly small boxes. It was stifling, and I clearly didn’t do a great job - I mean, I was dubbed the weird kid at school. If you have stumbled across my blog, anonymous reader, I’m going to assume you have had similar experiences. Anyway, I digress, I eventually came out as gay, thinking that I fitted in to that box. To be honest, it wasn’t a bad label, but I still didn’t quite fit within the confines of that social construct. Also, coming out meant that I got abusive comments from folk, and seemed to open me up to more abuse, despite me trying to fit in to myself more. Like, it seems the more I try to be myself, the more I am open to abuse. I used to kind of cower away with it, then I moved to Edinburgh. I stopped hiding away, but I didn’t fight. I didn’t call the police every time I was called ‘tranny’, ‘she-male’ or ‘a man in a skirt’. My thinking that if I didn’t react, people would realise that this is my version of normal and that I’m not hurting anyone. I was wrong. I realise that now. In order for me to feel more comfortable in my own skin, I need to feel comfortable walking down the streets of my town. Like... (forgive the tmi) I didn’t have sex til I was 21. Not because I was holding out for anyone, but because I wasn’t offered. I think I realise now that it was because I wasn’t confident enough for people to see me that way. Confidence is sexy, supposedly. At 21, I was slim (I was going through a bout of anorexia) and tall, people would tell me about how jealous they were of my silf-like frame. The thing I liked best was that I had no boobs. and I was often confused for a man. I was androgynous and was able to fake happiness with it. Then I fell in to my first relationship and it confused the fuck out of me. However, she was wonderful and came from a family where her father was a cross-dresser. She opened my eyes to a whole new world of gender-fuckery and androgyny. This both excited and terrified me.

I didn’t feel comfortable with the role society pushed on me, but I didn’t know i could go against it, or that I could change anything at all. I sort of tried to accept that this was the way life was and that I should dig a grave for my issues and ignore them. But, the grave was shallow and the issues were very much alive. They didn’t stay hidden for long but I kept pushing them back in to the grave and recovering it til finally I gave in and decided to explore what’s going on.

I figured that it would be remiss, in a blog that talks about my stumbles around transdom, not to talk about this. Truthfully, I don’t know what to say. There’s no agenda. I also feel I can’t say much. The pain I suffer in relation to my body, is nothing in comparison to what these people and their families faced (http://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2016) Now I am very aware that this list just covers the US, I believe that Brazil may have had it a lot worse, as they have had in previous years. My friend Ellen brought up her privilege today, in her own reflection on facebook, given that she is a white middle class transwoman. Now, while this list doesn’t mention suicide... I noticed something. There’s an abundance of women there, and not so many of the male/non-binary persuasion. Automatically, I feel that suddenly my position of privilege has been bumped up a notch and, frankly, I feel twitchy about it. Not because I don’t respect that I am in such a position, but that I cannot in anyway relate to their situations in terms of fear and I’m not in a position to help, other than to create awareness, which is frustrating as it feels on the futile side. On the side of it though, and not entirely. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my very small, inactive activist wants to do something. Truthfully, I don’t know what. Perhaps this time next year I’ll have an answer. I look at these people, struck down in the prime of their lives and wish that I had been able to provide them with some kind of shelter. I wish that I had been able to hold their hand and show them a friend. I want to reach out those countries worst affected (Brazil and US, by my count) and ask them to help those in need. Here, we have a first woman who champions the LGBTQIA cause. We are so incredibly lucky, and I’m not sure that many of us see it. I don’t a lot of the time, if I’m honest, but the minute it’s pointed out to me, I often want to leave my comfort zone and help, but fear, and not knowing where to look to go help often stop me. I hope one day that my twitchiness isn’t triggered, not because I’m numb to the goings on in the world, but that there is no need for it. Please if any of you silent readers know of any way I can help, let me know. I will continue to think and punch things in to Google. Maybe at some point, something will crop up and show me the way.

Thank you

Some common questions I hear are:

Why couldn't you just except you are (assigned gender at birth)?

Truthfully, I’ve spent 34 years trying. I’ve put my gender issues down to a whole multitude of things, and even thought for a while that I was just experiencing the infamous penis envy that all women are supposed to suffer from (cheers Freud!)

Well, aren't you just gay then?

When I was younger, I thought that I should be male as I was attracted to women. Interesting that I go to that response initially, rather than thinking I was gay. However, I did think that coming out as gay might get rid of the feeling I might be male. It didn’t, unsurprisingly.

If you are a man/woman then why are you still feminine/masculine?

Lora, I’m not sure how to respond to this... I hope I answer you in a satisfactory manner. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) and may still display a feminine side. Tbh, I think that’s because my gender is mine. I like a lot of things that are either stereotypically gay, or feminine, like glitter and musicals. But that doesn’t make me female, it just means I have a penchant for sparkly camp things. You know?

(For NB's) Why don't you just pick a gender?

Truthfully... I think because not everything fits in to those tiny stifling boxes that society has made for everyone. Actually, this is a very upsetting one for me right now, but I will go in to it. I have incredibly strong urges towards the masculine side, and it may be that ultimately, I do end up transitioning in one way or another. However, I just can’t see where I fit. I’m neither stereotypically male nor female. I mean I could go in to gender constructs, Judith (ack!) Butler and gender performativity, but I don’t want to scare you off (yet!!). Needless to say, theorists argue that we act a certain way because society pushes it on us. However what happens if we don’t feel like we CAN perform in those ways? or that little bits from both the binary genders fit us? I can tell you that I have been feeling like I’ve been being pulled from one gender to another with that.

Some questions that I (Lora) would like to know the answers too are:

What is your gender identity?

Hahahahahahahaha I don’t knooooowwwww. Though the chap that I spoke to at a pre-counseling chat suggested that I might be trans masculine, non-binary. That means I may identify with being mostly male, but not quite. But I’ve yet to find my place on the spectrum and sit there comfortably.

Is there any specific reason that you identify with that gender?

I can’t really answer that right now, but I’ll do my best. I think I’m leaning towards the masculine side because, well... I just, kinda am. I feel more comfortable dressed in men’s clothes and so on. I hope that as time goes on, I can maybe answer this question better.

What are your pronouns? / How do you feel when people use the wrong pronouns?

They/them, though if someone misgenders me as male, I’m ok with that. It’s when people refer to me with female pronouns that I have increasing issues with. That said, I do it ALL. THE. TIME. I have great difficulty not thinking in the binary and I call myself female pronouns constantly. It does my head in. But then a) the third gender, or non-binary is a relatively new concept and I have difficulty processing change and b) for 30 odd years, I have been referred to as female (and referred to myself as such). Also, I respect that this is very new to a lot of folk, and so I have to be patient with them. What I would suggest to folk who are cis or binary gendered, is that if you do slip up, apologise and move on from it quickly. Please don’t make a big issue out of it as, certainly personally speaking, that ‘orientalises’ those of us that fall in to the NB bracket. I don’t want to be considered as something different to the rest of society. I don’t want special treatment because of my gender. I want special treatment because I rock!

What are your thoughts on passing?

Hmmmmmm. Ok so passing really applies to those who are trans binary. Um... Truthfully, I think it’s very hard to achieve, especially when trans women have bone structures that are so different, in general, to cis women. And heck, we don’t all have Caitlyn Jenner’s bank balance, so things like bone shaving and so on aren’t readily available to the ordinary folks like my friends and I. It’s really hard for me to speak on this matter right now. Perhaps this is another one to come back to later on down the line.

How old were you when you started your path to self-identity?

*puts on hippy style voice* we’re all born on a path to our own self identity maaaaan. He he, sorry, couldn’t resist. Truthfully, I’m not sure if you mean when I first started to think I wasn’t female (in which case, I was 11) or when I started look in to treatment (in which case I was 34).

How do you feel about binding/tucking?

Binding and packing for me provide a temporary relief, and my confidence shoots sky high when I put my packer in. However, that fix is only temporary and then I have to take these things off and out, and I’m brought back down to earth a bump. I’m suddenly finding that I’m being reminded of a favourite song of mine - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=740TB17Dsn0 feels appropriate, doncha think?

This one came from Ellen:

If you like women why don't you stay a man?

Well... I guess I can relate this to my previous gay question, and add this - I have learned that sexuality and gender do not dictate one another. People often come out with small minded stuff like this because they simply don’t understand that we don’t all want penises and that we don’t all want to be men, in relation to being with women. *NEWSFLASH* not all women like men! And not all those who are assigned male can cope with hiding in their male bodies. In fact, I’d imagine very few can.

As you can see, dear reader, trans-people can deal with some very idiotic questions indeed. If you are a trans-person and get asked something along the lines of the last question, you should invert it to something that might be relatably alien to the questioner, and then tell them to perhaps go away and have a think about what they’re asking. I’m all about teaching rather than blaming and screaming.

Anyway, I feel I should take this opportunity to introduce myself. I’m Els. I’m non-binary, I think. I say I think, because I’m not entirely sure where i fit on the spectrum, but I’m seeking counseling to help me get around that. I am very privileged to live where I do, as there seem to be a tonne of resources available to trans folk, and it’s all free. Today, I feel I should be even more grateful, but I won’t get in to politics on this post.