#trans-attraction

Trans and Trans-Attracted People Are World Leaders

Every trans person (and trans-attracted person) comes into the world with specific, core desires. Every one of these should conjure joy, ecstasy and well-being. They also should be fulfilled at some point.

Unlike my clients, though, many trans and trans-attracted people miss the joy, ecstasy and well-being of their desires. In this clip, I offer wisdom about the nature of fetishes, how society has trans and trans-attracted people thinking doing things that feel real good are "fetishes" - something perverse or taboo – when instead, those things that feel good mean being on one's path to everything one wants.

Instead of feeling good, some trans and trans-attracted people feel anguish, frustration, confusion, shame and embarrassment. They get stuck in disempowering stories. Then those stories create realities consistent with themselves. Before they know it, their lives suck.

Since they don't know what I share with my clients, these people think their reality is objectively real, separate and from themselves. They don't know they create their reality. So they point to their reality and blame it for how they feel, not knowing how they feel points to real culprit: their stories.

Transamorous Network clients gradually discover new ways of seeing life. New ways that show them that ecstasy they feel when they feel their breasts growing, or when they put on a dress, or when they feel attraction for a trans woman, tells them they are on their path.

All they have to do now is trust their feelings and keep moving forward. Then they will see what's available to all trans and trans-attracted people: a life of continually increasing joy and....realization that they improve the world in their own unique way by being their authentic selves.

The world benefits with trans and trans-attracted people in the world. When these people live their authentic life the world changes for the better. How can a trans or trans-attracted person live authentically? Tell stories that conjure joy. Then watch what happens.

Want to learn how to tell stories that create a fabulous life? Schedule your free one on one here. 

Trans attraction and Knee "Jerks"

A client recently worried about how much her life changed since working with The Transamorous Network. She worried she had become so positive, she wouldn't relate to her transgender friends, most of whom are negative, angry and bitter.

She also worried about whether she would find a partner. She felt so far from where she was before working with us that she wouldn't be able to relate to "normal" men.

Her happiness, her positivity does set her apart. But is that really a problem?

Life experience matches beliefs. For many trans and trans-attracted people, that can bring love and fun and happiness. It also can bring anguish, fear, disappointment and discouragement.

Unless a person looks at what they're thinking, life seems random, bringing a little bit of everything, good and bad. Depending on one's dominant perspective, life generally gets better, stays the same, or gets worse.

When a person starts looking at what they're thinking though, then does something about that, shaping their experience however they want becomes possible, consistent with the laws of physics, of course. A person may not fly like superman in their physical body, for example, but they can experience leaving their body and flying none the less.

Clueless reactions

It's fascinating watching people react to posts we publish here at The Transamorous Network. It's instructive too, because, when a person reacts, especially when the reaction is extremely negative, they aren't reacting to some objective truth about our post. Instead, they're reacting to their story about our post.

Take this exchange below, for example. This person knows nothing about The Transamorous Network, yet had a severe, knee jerk reaction to the title of a post we recently published: "Trans attraction is an adventure".

I understand her upset. There are lots of trans women who share her opinion about trans-attracted men, about fetishization, and anger about being fetishized.

I know every story about every subject is never about the subject. It's always about the story – the interpretation the observer makes about the subject. Stories will always create realities consistent with themselves.

So when a person acts like a jerk, like the person in the picture, that person is showing others the story they're telling: an unpleasant one.

The real story

This post she's telling a story about described an exchange I had with a young man struggling with his trans attraction. I told him his trans attraction is an adventure he came into life eager to have. Every life experience can be seen this way, I told him. Life is supposed to be fun, filled with love, happiness and joy.

But if a person looks to other people for advice and guidance, people who don't know that life is an adventure, that person will get lives like those he seeks advice from. That's not a good idea, I told him.

This trans woman didn't bother to read the article. She interpreted the post's title from her own stories then had a knee jerk reaction to it. She thinks the article is saying "trans women are the adventure", which has nothing to do with the article.

It's not much different from men who, struggling with their trans attraction, have knee jerk reactions to their own stories, stories that trigger within them shame and embarrassment, then do things that trans women don't like. Such behavior makes them looks like jerks too.

When a man doesn't want to meet in public, or ghosts a trans woman after spending months with her on instagram, that's what is happening. His behavior is not about the trans woman. It's about him and his stories.

But some trans women make it personal, then lose their cool. When they lose their cool, they set up future experiences just like the one they're knee-jerking about.

Later, they see a post headline and lose their cool again, all the while not knowing they're creating more experiences exactly like the last. Experiences that reinforce their disempowering story.

If there is a jerk in their story, it's not the trans-attracted man. It's the trans woman interpreting the guy's actions as if they're personal. They are not! She's being a jerk to herself!

Unworthiness runs rampant

Many people tell stories that make them feel unworthy. They're being jerks to themselves instead of loving themselves. There are a lot of people out there who believe they aren't worthy of....well...a lot of things, including love and being loved. These are strong stories and when triggered, create strong reactions, which perpetuate more experiences consistent with themselves. In other words, if a person feels they're not worthy of love, they're going to see every relationship through that lens.

If a trans woman believes all trans-attracted men fetishize them, then they're only going to experience fetishization, even when that's not happening.

Back to my client: I encouraged her not to worry. The world is a big place and the Universe can deliver any experience. A person who tells positive stories develops positive expectations.  Those expectations must be satisfied by the Universe. That's just how it works. So a trans woman believing all trans-attracted men fetishize will only meet men who fetishize her. And my client will meet men consistent with her stories too.

https://optimalhappiness.com/celebrity-who-committed-suicide/

My love for transgender women has me sharing this video. Hat tip to “Queer Kari” on medium for posting it on her Facebook page. Kari is worth a follow. She’s brilliant AF. A major reason transgender women revile trans-attracted men comes from what the gender psychologist in the video is saying. Mind you, she specializes in working with the transgender community. So if you need bona-fides, she…

How Bike Flats Can Lead To Great, Happy Results

I love telling positive stories. They feel so good. And they create experiences the prove telling positive stories works.

This morning proves that assertion in abundance. It looks like coincidence to the uninitiated eye. But to people who know stories create reality, what happened happened because that’s what happens when a person finds their grace and worthiness.

In other words, when a person tells positive stories, they also find they stand at the center of the Universe. From there, life’s an adventure.

I love sharing this story. I know it offers inspiration for others. That’s why I started this blog: to inspire others into a new reality. One where they get everything they want, including the relationship they want.

After all, that wonderful relationship can happen exactly like what happened in this story.

A wonderful day awaited

I woke up this morning super positive. Amazing dreams, an amazing “meditation” session, and an eagerness about the day fueled my rising. As usual when I wake these days, my higher knowing, my Broader Perspective, serves me a list of things it knows will inspire me.

That list included going grocery shopping. I planned a Safeway trip today, Friday, followed by a Trader Joe’s trip Saturday. But my my Broader Perspective said “do both today”.

^^My calendar showing the two appointments for shopping, one Friday, one Saturday. The was prior to receiving my Inner Being guidance.

I follow such guidance more quickly and often these days. Because I know following such guidance always leads to extraordinary experiences. I write about these every week in my other blog, Positively Focused.

I don’t have a car. Instead I get around by foot or my bike. A bike ride in the cool morning air this morning sounded great. By the afternoon, Portlanders expected temperatures in the low hundreds, so I felt eager about getting these trips in early.

Safeway was easy and fun. I enjoyed a nice chat with Tammy, the checkout person who usually rings my groceries. While checking out my groceries, I shared my excitement over how much food I got for so little money, thanks to Safeway’s loyalty program. Tammy agreed laughing. I’m sure she though me crazy.

Then I rode home with my panniers full of wonderful food. When it was all either in the fridge or pantry, I realized, I forgot toilet paper I bought. Rather than disappointment about that, I felt excitement about another ride to Safeway. That’s how much I like riding my bike. 😊

Getting the toilet paper happened quick. After putting it away, I prepared for my TJ run. Little did I know, while I prepared, the day had ready awesome delights prepared.

Good and bad here, now

It was a lovely ride to TJs. Before leaving home, I sat a few moments. In those moments I told stories about how good I felt, how wonderful it is owning the bike I own, how awesome it is living where I live and how much fun the ride to TJs would be.

Then I took an alternative path just to amplify the fun. Nearly everyone I passed greeted me with a smile. Cars stopped on main streets so I could cross. A young woman walking her dog sported a lovely hat and I told her so. She smiled in return. Fellow bike riders greeted me as I passed.

^^My beautiful transportation.

Everything went in a way indicating I had aligned with all that is good. My Broader Perspective and the Universe showed me all the way to TJs evidence of my really strong positive perspective creating experiences I enjoy.

As Trader Joe’s approached, I saw a homeless person. Now in the past, when I ride by a homeless person on the way to Trader Joe’s, I have, again, in the past, worried about him going into my bike bags while I shop. So I lock my bike bags to my bike. I also leave nothing valuable in them.

This time, when I saw the homeless person, I imagined the homeless person trying to take my bags. Then he did some sort of vandalism because he couldn’t get them off my bike.

Slight insecurity accompanied that imagined scenario. That’s when I caught myself. Emotions tell me something important, I know. What was I doing? Creating a reality I didn’t want through this negative story. That’s what my emotions told me. So I dropped that imagined scenario as quickly as I could. My positive feelings returned and, for a few moments that imagined scenario disappeared.

It would return a bit later. But thankfully, not in as big a manifestation as it could have!

“Good” and “bad” exist in every universal particle, in every scenario, in every moment. I know what stories I tell about each experience shapes how much of “good” or “bad” fills my experiences. That’s why I tell as many positive stories as I can. It maximizes the former and excludes all of the latter.

Let the fun…continue?

Leaving that scenario behind, I locked my bike, went into the store, followed my intuition and got everything I wanted in about 10 minutes. I checked out and while doing so the wonderful checker greeted me with a smile and a nice little conversation.

Then, when I walked out the door I looked towards my bike. My attention went right to my rear tire. It was flat as a pancake!

For a brief second, that scenario I thought before returned. Did some homeless guy slash my tire? Slowly, I approached my bike. Again, I dropped that scenario. After all, no matter how it happened, it happened. My bike had a flat. Brooding about it wouldn’t fix my tire!

^^Houselessness runs rampant these days. It also triggers many people's negative stories. Including mine. (Photo by Yawer Waani on Unsplash)

After loading the pannier with what I bought, I put them aside, then detached the tire, and opened my accessories bag. That’s when I noticed my repair kit was missing! The patch kit was there, but other tools I needed weren’t. I couldn’t repair the flat!

At that point, I stopped myself, took a breath and assessed my situation. This wasn’t what it looked like. Something brewed here, ready to be enjoyed. I didn’t know what though. Still, I know this flat wasn’t random or an accident.

So instead of jumping into action, I took a moment and reframed the situation.

“Boy, something really great is going to happen because of this,” I thought to myself. “This is going to be fun!” And I meant it!

Just then, another biker passed by riding an electric bike. Two people passed after that. Meanwhile I started putting my bike back together, figuring I would have to push my bike to a repair shop, call a Lyft or an Uber.

Bring on the wonder!

Minutes later, that electric bike rider returned. He asked me if everything was OK. I explained what happened, that I planned a walk to a repair shop. He mentioned The Bike Gallery, a major bike chain here in Portland.

Under his breath he said that if I took my bike there, and knocked on the door, the staff would let me in and fix my bike.

“I actually work there,” he added in an even lower tone.

Right then, I knew something amazing had come together. My Spidey sense told me this was the Universe unfolding a continuous stream of extremely positive outcomes in response to my chronic positive stories. That stream started from my dreams. And with this flat, that stream continued. Here’s what happened next:

The guy left, I got my bike back together, then started walking from 43rd Ave. to the Bike Gallery located on 53rd Ave. All the way I told positive stories. I enjoyed the walk. It was good exercise. I enjoyed the increasing heat on my face and body while walking. A light sweat started on my skin, which evaporated in the light, heating breeze, cooling me in the process. The weight of my panniers full of food pushed down on the flat. That made it easy to push my bike even with no air in the tire.

Two-thirds of the way to the Bike Gallery, I looked up the street and saw a biker who looked like the same guy who helped me at Trader Joe’s. When he saw me he turned my way. It was the guy.

“You walk fast,” He said, then pointed to the pannier latched to his bike. A huge manual air pump extended out of its open top. “I packed some repair tools and was coming back to rescue you,” He added. “I’ll meet you back at the store.”

The joy keeps coming

He greeted me when I arrived, then ushered me to the maintenance department. There he took my bike, disassembled it, took apart the flat tire and showed me what the problem was: the rim tape slipped causing the innertube to dip into one of the spoke dimples. That, combined with the pressure of the air in the tube, cut the tube open.

“You would not have been able to repair that.” He said. “And even if you tried with a new tube, that tube probably would’ve gotten punctured too.”

^^There's my bike in the rack. The rim and tire rests against tool drawers.

Obviously, my Broader Perspective, the Universe and All That Is orchestrated this uncommon, uncanny flat tire situation. Responding the way I did, my blessed path unfolded, opening doors to a cavalcade of wonderful outcomes.

I could have got angry about the flat, railed at the sucky timing, or felt sorry for myself. Telling those negative stories would have opened different circumstances. Imagine, were I pissed, the guy who helped me may not have felt comfortable approaching me. Or maybe in my frustration I might have said something rude.

But by reframing the situation and seeing it as an adventure, the whole situation unfolded in this wonderful way. I aligned myself with those positive outcomes, which continued even while this guy repaired my tire.

While he repaired it, I noticed another bike repair guy grinning ear-to-ear while fiddling with the cash register. I felt inspired to compliment him, so I did.

“You’re having a great time,” I said. “I can tell by your smile.”

“I love what I do,” he said. “Bikes are the best.”

I agreed while noticing his name, Tim, on his name tag. While my bike got fixed, Tim and I enjoyed a great conversation. He worked at the Bike Gallery for many years and has been working on bikes all his life. This store was short-staffed, so his manager at the store where he usually works dispatched him here to help out. Imagine that! Another synchronicity!

Had that not happened, we wouldn’t have enjoyed what happened next.

The full monty brought to life

Tim said he’s lived in Portland all his life, repaired bikes all his life and feels he’s living his dream. Thus the smile. He lives in a place called Hillsboro, here in Oregon. His family lives in other local cities called Portland, Forest Grove and Salem.

He and I also talked about bicycle motocross, a passion of his, about my heroes from my bicycle motocross days when I was a child. I loved watching real motocross while growing up in Southern California too. I told Tim that and Tim told me a great story where he met one of my number one heroes of that time. Tim and I both got more excited the more we talked. Did I say it was a great conversation?

Meanwhile the guy who rescued me, whose name was Randall, replaced the original fabric rim tape with an upgraded rubber version, put the bike back together, then rolled it over to me.

“How much do I owe you?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

That’s when I really knew this flat tire offered tremendous opportunity, which I stepped into by framing it as a positive adventure instead of a mishap. That opened the door to this awesome experience.

Think about it. The flat itself was uncommon. I couldn’t have repaired it had I tried. The universe didn’t want me too. It and my Broader Perspective wanted me to witness how much they love me by orchestrating all that unfolded. So cool!

By way of explanation, I told Randall about my blogs and how I write about these kinds of wonderful synchronicities that happen in my life all the time. Then I asked if I could take his picture. He said yes.

This is Randall and I:

^^Me and my guardian angel and bike repair guru, Randall (right).

Randall lives in Woodstock and rides his electric bike to The Bike Gallery every day unless work demands something different.

Something different and delightful always awaits one who tells positive stories. Nothing happens by accident. Everything happens on purpose. Positive stories brings that purpose into focus. The purpose everything means to give us is joyful recognition that the Universe is always on our side.

But if one doesn’t line up with that love, that joyful acknowledgment of this joyful purpose, they get struggle, pain, disappointment and more.

I prefer joy, love and happy results. So I do everything I can to foster and amplify those results. It’s easy, once I got the hang of it. As a result of that, even an unfixable bike flat serves up a great big heaping pile of joyful experience.

Misgendered: A Great Opportunity For Love Not Hate

The easiest way to get someone to stop misgendering you involves loving that person when they do it. Especially when parents misgender you. Here’s why we advocate this approach at The Transamorous Network.

Parents stick to misgendering their trans kids because they think they’re right. Nearly all people think they’re right about what they think they know. Another reason they do it involves pain. They don’t want to be wrong. Being wrong feels painful.

Parents think they know more than their children do. They’re wrong, but remember, they think they’re right and being wrong feels painful. Besides, they don’t want to believe the person they love is not the person they thought the person was.

Changing in front of children is hard

Acknowledging your identity also confronts their social standing and that’s hard for old people. No one likes losing face and old people really don’t. Your parents not only must confront their own judgements, they must also face their peers’ judgments too.

That’s tough. Misgendering you let’s them live in la la land. There they’re right and they save face. That’s a lot keeping your mom and dad misgendering you.

Parents also find socially embarrassing and humiliating being judged when in public. They care a LOT about what other people think about them. For some, their whole identity depends on what others think about them. For others, their entire career depends on it.

So parents face tremendous pressure when a child declares themselves trans.

We’re not making excuses for your parents. We’re showing you how to get what you want from them: You want them to use proper pronouns and call you by the name matching who you are.

^^Parents, especially older ones think they know everything. Your trans status usually confronts everything they think they know. So you must be the adult. Because they can’t. They’re too triggered. (Photo by CDC on Unsplash)

But it’s all about them…not you

Notice what happens when you resist when they misgender you: They double down, refuse your wishes, disown you or you them. Why? Because they’re defending themselves, their stories and their world view. For a while, these things are more important than a relationship with you.

All that means NOTHING about you. It’s all about them. Notice too the more you push against their world view, the more they resist you. In our vernacular, here is what happens when you resist what they do.

First, you reinforce many stories you have about your parents, which sets up future repeat experiences of what you’re resisting. You know this when you feel negative when they do what you don’t like.

Second, your parents resist your resistance, which creates in their world repeat experiences too. So you both cooperate in creating new experiences just like existing ones. Experiences neither you nor them enjoys.

This is why your parents misgendering you won’t stop until you stop resisting what they do. Of course, they could stop resisting who you really are. But, ironically, you’re the adult in this case. Not your parents. So you must make the first move.

A real example speaks volumes

A transgender client asked us why her parents kept misgendering her recently. I told her exactly what you’re reading. I said because she keeps resisting when they do it.

The most recent time happened in a social event. Her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. They did it in front of everyone. My client was embarrassed because she puts a lot of weight on what other people think about her.

The next day, a relative approached my client. “I can’t believe your parents did that in front of everybody!” this relative said. “It makes me so angry when they do that! They know you’re trans, why do they keep doing it?”

When my client told me what her relative said and how angry he was, I told my client “You don’t want to be listening to this person. Hearing this person’s stories and making them your own will just create more situations between you and your parents where they will misgender you.”

“Instead,” I said. “You should love your parents. Look for everything they do to support you. Find things you like about them. Focus on those things. When they misgender you, pretend it didn’t happen!”

My client laughed at first. She didn’t understand how doing this would work.

^^When you push against what you don’t like you’re setting yourself up for more of what you don’t like. That creates a lot of cray-cray on all sides. Instead, find good things about where you are and watch where you are change. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Here’s why it works

It works because whatever you look at will get bigger in your life. Whatever you look at that you feel emotional about will get bigger, faster in your life. So when you keep looking at, and get angry about ANYONE who misgenders you, you’re essentially saying “Universe, give me more of this!”

I told my client this and she said she understood.

But when she came to the next session she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened.

She had a telephone conversation with her mom. While on the phone, her relative’s complaints about her mom popped up in her head. Then she heard my voice in her head telling her not to heed her relatives stories. But she also felt the pull of that negative story about her mom.

So instead of looking for things love-worthy in her mom she followed impulses that came from her relative’s negative stories.

“Mom,” she said. “I hope you can hear me when I say this. It really hurts me when you don’t use the correct pronouns. It also hurts me when you call me by my old name. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Like a match to gasoline…

Exactly as I described above, her mom got defensive instead of listening to what my client said. She didn’t hear a word my client said. Here’s what she did hear:

You’re wrong

You’re bad

I know better than you

Do what I say!

Your values are wrong

Your beliefs are wrong

Is it any surprise what happened next? Her mom got defensive, then angry, then went into a rage. She attacked my client (remember this is a phone call). In response, my client lost her cool and attacked back.

My client’s mom had the phone on speaker and her husband (my client’s step father) also jumped in. Of course he defended his wife. That’s natural, right?

My client said she said things to her mom she regrets saying. She also said her mom said things she’s never said to my client before. The phone call happened three days ago. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

^^Your anger at those who misgender you acts as a match to gasoline. The fire just gets hotter…until you learn the better way. That learning needn’t be as hard as it is though. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Lesson learned the hard way

My client left the conversation extremely hurt. But it was all good because she realized through that very painful experience the accuracy of how this work works.

You just cannot get what you want when you focus on what you don’t want. Focusing on what you don’t want just gives you more of that.

So if you want someone to stop misgendering you, you can’t react negatively when they do it. Instead, you must find things to appreciate about the person. When someone misgenders you, you must talk yourself out of negative reactions. Then find positive things to say that cause you to feel good.

Until you do, until you learn to master your emotional responses to events, you just keep getting more practice. Practice which looks like people misgendering you!

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But try it. You’ll find in short order that those who refuse to accept who you are will change. Then you’ve mastered your happiness.

It will take longer for loved ones only because you’ve got persistent stories about them, about how they are, and you think you’re right about that. But even persistent beliefs can change.

Trans-Attracted Men: Don't Hate On Your Love

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’ve been on the site and after I put a reply to the topic of being trans attracted while being married, I looked at some earlier exchanges, most notably from two cisgender women who are wives of men who are trans attracted. Their responses were striking. It made me question my place in this community because I do not share some of the sentiments. Yes, I do have the shared attraction to trans women, however I am not in a situation where my wife doesn’t fulfill my needs. Nor do I compare my wife to trans women. My attraction to trans women is just that, an attraction. I’ve noticed this about myself, however I have no desire to act on it. I also have an attraction to Asian women and have for years, however again, I have no desire to act on that either nor do I compare my wife to Asian women. I do not judge the men who feel differently and I do not consider myself any better than them, but I am beginning to question as to if this is the right community because my opinion on this matter may not be received well. I feel that some may jump to the conclusion that I may be in some moral high ground based in religion, however that couldn’t be farther from the truth because I am an Atheist and proud to be. My opinion about this topic is MY opinion and I wouldn’t want anyone to perceive that everyone should feel the same way. It’s just that I’ve been on the receiving end of comparison by someone that I’ve trust my heart to and it only adds to the self-hatred. So I totally empathize with [The women] from [the comments section] and I feel bad that they are going through what they are describing. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Austin

Dear Austin,

Thanks for your letter/email. Yes, the responses from cis women who discovered their husbands were/are trans attracted are striking. No doubt about that. That said, their comments have nothing to do with or have anything to say about whether or not you have a “place” in the “community” that is The Transamorous Network.

Just because there are divergent opinions doesn’t mean one opinion is better than the other. Nor does it mean that one opinion gets to say whether or not another opinion belongs. You have contributed greatly to the conversation and I would encourage you to continue to do so.

Who cares if somebody jumps to the conclusion that you have some sort of moral high ground? Isn’t that their story? That has nothing to do with whether you actually do or not. Or whether you believe you do or not.

What people are going through is what they’re going through. The women complaining about their husbands likely have a lot more happening than their men being trans-attracted.

What they’re going through is a result of the stories they are telling themselves. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind that both woman knew what they were getting into at some level. It may not have been conscious of it, but they knew. That’s because everyone is a match to whoever they’re meeting. If this weren’t accurate, then what I share with clients would not work.

But what I show my clients does work, 100 percent of the time. So it must be accurate that wives of trans-attracted men, at some level, knew about their husband’s trans attraction.

The fact that they are blaming their husbands just shows how much they continue concealing what they knew from themselves.

Stick around. Or not. Either way do it from an empowered place, not from feeling you must leave because others aren’t happy with what you share.

When You Suspect Your Husband Is Trans-Attracted

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.

Dear The Transamorous Network

I am married to a man who has had sexual encounters with trans women. He says it was out of curiosity and he has satisfied that curiosity but I find that hard to believe.

Later, he admitted that he thinks he may still harbor that attraction. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I have so many questions. I don’t want to push him into a conversation about it because I need him to come to terms with it without me forcing him to.

I love him very much, but I think that his attraction is not fleeting and he is only suppressing it. I haven’t made a decision on the future of our relationship since for me, there is so much more I want to know. There isn’t much information I have been able to find on these interwebs and I have no one to discuss this with since he doesn’t want anyone to know. Ladies that have experienced this, I feel your pain, but in no way do I believe his attraction to trans women is a reflection upon me. You offered to have a private conversation with another commenter and wondered if you would be willing to extend that to me as well.

Yolanda

Hey Yolanda,

Yes, anyone can contact me for a free initial conversation.

It’s awesome, and a testament to your capacity for loving, that you bring curiosity instead of judgement and anger to your husband’s struggle. It’s important that wives of trans-attracted men realize what you already know:

That trans-attraction says NOTHING about you as a female, your desirability or anything else about you. It is all about the guy.

That your husband likely has struggled with his trans-attraction for a very long time.

Both of my clients who are married, married their wives knowing full well they were trans attracted. In one case, the guy didn’t want to lose what he thought was a marvelous woman. I’m sure his wife IS marvelous, but marrying someone in fear that if you don’t, you’re going to lose them not only is scarcity thinking, it’s also extremely invalidating to the person you’re marrying. You’re not giving that person a chance to know who you really are and who – exactly – are they marrying?

Trans-attraction is serious business. It’s not something to think about casually. It’s not going to go away. Though some men – including some who contribute comments to this blog – are fine with their attraction while being married to females, most can’t handle the personal dissonance.

Scarcity thinking is rampant. Does a female (a cis-woman) really need to feel she must stick with someone who naturally isn’t attracted to her? Must a trans-attracted man really “settle” for something that doesn’t match what he is attracted to? In both cases, the answer is a resounding NO.

You can have any kind of lover you want!

No matter how long a female has been married to someone, there is always someone else coming who will love them as well or better. That’s just how the Universe works!

I don’t blame people for all the scarcity thinking though, the fear that has them act now, but then later down the line have to deal with consequences of acting in fear. Because if you don’t know how the Universe works, the world can be a very scary place. Especially in the realm of relationships.

Sounds like you don’t have those fears Yolanda. That’s why I’m eager for our conversation!