#trans-attracted

Transamory: describing a relationship and/or attraction involving transgender individuals.

Trans and Trans-Attracted People Are World Leaders

Every trans person (and trans-attracted person) comes into the world with specific, core desires. Every one of these should conjure joy, ecstasy and well-being. They also should be fulfilled at some point.

Unlike my clients, though, many trans and trans-attracted people miss the joy, ecstasy and well-being of their desires. In this clip, I offer wisdom about the nature of fetishes, how society has trans and trans-attracted people thinking doing things that feel real good are "fetishes" - something perverse or taboo – when instead, those things that feel good mean being on one's path to everything one wants.

Instead of feeling good, some trans and trans-attracted people feel anguish, frustration, confusion, shame and embarrassment. They get stuck in disempowering stories. Then those stories create realities consistent with themselves. Before they know it, their lives suck.

Since they don't know what I share with my clients, these people think their reality is objectively real, separate and from themselves. They don't know they create their reality. So they point to their reality and blame it for how they feel, not knowing how they feel points to real culprit: their stories.

Transamorous Network clients gradually discover new ways of seeing life. New ways that show them that ecstasy they feel when they feel their breasts growing, or when they put on a dress, or when they feel attraction for a trans woman, tells them they are on their path.

All they have to do now is trust their feelings and keep moving forward. Then they will see what's available to all trans and trans-attracted people: a life of continually increasing joy and....realization that they improve the world in their own unique way by being their authentic selves.

The world benefits with trans and trans-attracted people in the world. When these people live their authentic life the world changes for the better. How can a trans or trans-attracted person live authentically? Tell stories that conjure joy. Then watch what happens.

Want to learn how to tell stories that create a fabulous life? Schedule your free one on one here. 

Trans attraction and Knee "Jerks"

A client recently worried about how much her life changed since working with The Transamorous Network. She worried she had become so positive, she wouldn't relate to her transgender friends, most of whom are negative, angry and bitter.

She also worried about whether she would find a partner. She felt so far from where she was before working with us that she wouldn't be able to relate to "normal" men.

Her happiness, her positivity does set her apart. But is that really a problem?

Life experience matches beliefs. For many trans and trans-attracted people, that can bring love and fun and happiness. It also can bring anguish, fear, disappointment and discouragement.

Unless a person looks at what they're thinking, life seems random, bringing a little bit of everything, good and bad. Depending on one's dominant perspective, life generally gets better, stays the same, or gets worse.

When a person starts looking at what they're thinking though, then does something about that, shaping their experience however they want becomes possible, consistent with the laws of physics, of course. A person may not fly like superman in their physical body, for example, but they can experience leaving their body and flying none the less.

Clueless reactions

It's fascinating watching people react to posts we publish here at The Transamorous Network. It's instructive too, because, when a person reacts, especially when the reaction is extremely negative, they aren't reacting to some objective truth about our post. Instead, they're reacting to their story about our post.

Take this exchange below, for example. This person knows nothing about The Transamorous Network, yet had a severe, knee jerk reaction to the title of a post we recently published: "Trans attraction is an adventure".

I understand her upset. There are lots of trans women who share her opinion about trans-attracted men, about fetishization, and anger about being fetishized.

I know every story about every subject is never about the subject. It's always about the story – the interpretation the observer makes about the subject. Stories will always create realities consistent with themselves.

So when a person acts like a jerk, like the person in the picture, that person is showing others the story they're telling: an unpleasant one.

The real story

This post she's telling a story about described an exchange I had with a young man struggling with his trans attraction. I told him his trans attraction is an adventure he came into life eager to have. Every life experience can be seen this way, I told him. Life is supposed to be fun, filled with love, happiness and joy.

But if a person looks to other people for advice and guidance, people who don't know that life is an adventure, that person will get lives like those he seeks advice from. That's not a good idea, I told him.

This trans woman didn't bother to read the article. She interpreted the post's title from her own stories then had a knee jerk reaction to it. She thinks the article is saying "trans women are the adventure", which has nothing to do with the article.

It's not much different from men who, struggling with their trans attraction, have knee jerk reactions to their own stories, stories that trigger within them shame and embarrassment, then do things that trans women don't like. Such behavior makes them looks like jerks too.

When a man doesn't want to meet in public, or ghosts a trans woman after spending months with her on instagram, that's what is happening. His behavior is not about the trans woman. It's about him and his stories.

But some trans women make it personal, then lose their cool. When they lose their cool, they set up future experiences just like the one they're knee-jerking about.

Later, they see a post headline and lose their cool again, all the while not knowing they're creating more experiences exactly like the last. Experiences that reinforce their disempowering story.

If there is a jerk in their story, it's not the trans-attracted man. It's the trans woman interpreting the guy's actions as if they're personal. They are not! She's being a jerk to herself!

Unworthiness runs rampant

Many people tell stories that make them feel unworthy. They're being jerks to themselves instead of loving themselves. There are a lot of people out there who believe they aren't worthy of....well...a lot of things, including love and being loved. These are strong stories and when triggered, create strong reactions, which perpetuate more experiences consistent with themselves. In other words, if a person feels they're not worthy of love, they're going to see every relationship through that lens.

If a trans woman believes all trans-attracted men fetishize them, then they're only going to experience fetishization, even when that's not happening.

Back to my client: I encouraged her not to worry. The world is a big place and the Universe can deliver any experience. A person who tells positive stories develops positive expectations.  Those expectations must be satisfied by the Universe. That's just how it works. So a trans woman believing all trans-attracted men fetishize will only meet men who fetishize her. And my client will meet men consistent with her stories too.

A Normal Man’s Guide To Loving Transgender Women

I love transgender women. Because I am out and proud about this, I get emails and calls from all kinds of people (men, women, transgender women, trans men) asking all kinds of questions about their transamory.

Men have the most trouble finding reconciliation. They find transgender women beautiful, worthy of love and, frankly, irresistible. Even while realizing dating transgender women sometimes comes with extraordinary drama levels. Despite that, many of these men aren't struggling with that. What's difficult is reconciling their attraction with being a "normal" man.

I'm writing this story –– my story –– for those men. The following is universal. Yet it is uniquely helpful for men right now. I mean "normal" men.

I write "right now" because men face intense (self-inflicted) scrutiny. Scrutiny well deserved. This January, the American Psychological Association (APA), said traditional masculinity is sociologically harmful:

"[It] stunts male's "psychological development, constrain[s] their behavior, result[s] in gender role strain and gender role conflict and negatively influence[s] mental health and physical health", they said.

Traditional masculinity is what I call normal men.

^^Click here for more info

Feminism suggests the APA's findings originate in male awe, envy and ignorance. Feminists call this Womb Envy.  That's a term coined by German psychoanalyst Karen Horney.  Normal men find awe in what they instinctively know: Every human enters life through a womb connected to a vagina. At least for now.Forgetting their part in life-creation, normal men feel insecure and envious. Their envy becomes all-consuming. Willful ignorance replaces envy, allowing the subordination of women. Normal men gain superiority this way.

The result: Masculine wholeness –– which recognizes the female in the male ––  gets lost.

This is what I'm seeing in the Gillette controversy. Men's life experience is reflecting back to them their out-of-balance-ness. Like children, some men are reacting first to Gillette's spot-on ad, then thinking. Or not thinking at all.

What does this have to do with loving transgender women?

A lot.

It is this acting out first, then thinking, or not thinking at all, that gets a lot of men in trouble. It also gets many transgender women killed. All, believe it or not, for the sake of love.

· · ·

I realized I was transamorous in my 30s. Before that, I saw "masculinity" and "femininity" as two parts of a whole being. Sometimes I felt more feminine than masculine back then. Even though I was having sex with girls.

Sometimes I would sneak into my mom's closet. It was an endless sea of femininity. There, I would dress in my mom's clothes. I used her lipstick and pranced before her full length mirror, with its ornate wooden frame and chipped paint. Her lingerie particularly intrigued me.

Often these sessions would end with masturbation.

That's how I got busted.

^^My mom when I was young (Photo: Gruber family)

One day my mom called me to her room. How did she know it was me and not one of my brothers? Let's just say it was mothers' intuition. Otherwise I don't know. In any case, my mom's love trumped anything else in our little chat. She didn't want me playing in her clothes, she said. But it was ok that I was exploring.

That could have gone a lot worse.

This was before "transgender" was a thing. I mean, it was a thing. Transgender people have always been around. But it wasn't in the public eye as it is today with high-profile transgender models, actresses, politicians, Julia Serranos, Stef Sanjati's.

Even it if was, I was too young to know what "transgender" was. Thinking about that time, and times today, I can imagine how it feels to be transgender. Not knowing you are transgender. Then discover the word "transgender" for the first time.

It must come with profound relief to know you're not alone.

The same is true for men attracted to transgender women. They think they're alone. But they are not.

When I discovered my transamory, "transamory" wasn't a thing either. I didn't know, for example Lou Reed had a long term relationship with a transgender woman. But I sure loved his song.

Nor did David Bowie's gender-bending persona catch my eye.

So when I fell in love with the first transgender woman I ever saw, in a Yakuza bar in Osaka, Japan, I was blown away. Blown away by her beauty. Blown away by the circumstances. And blown away for how deep and instantaneous my attraction was.

I was in the Marines at the time. My girlfriend, who would become one of my few fiancés took me to see her home town. She thought I'd get a kick visiting a Yakuza bar. I don't think she knew how profound that kick would be. It kicked off what would culminate in everything I am today. That and how I tell my transamory story with recovering "normal" transamorous men looking for solace.

My wife today calls me her gay boy. It's true, my feminine side is well-developed. I don't cross dress or anything like that. I do enjoy reveling in that part of me that is soft, kind, receptive and open. And yet, I do present male, although I consider myself gender neutral. I recognize the female in me as much as I do the male.

And here's where love comes into the picture. And by that I'm referring to self-love.

^^Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash

Many of my fellow Marines weren't as appreciative of my nature as my wife is. Or my mom. It wasn't constant, but Marines can be callous towards someone not embracing the macho, natural-born-killer persona believed to enshroud what it is to be a Marine. Of course, the occasional taunts ended once I became a Sergeant of Marines. Yet, the juxtaposition between my feminine side and my masculine side represented a crossroads back then. The path I took was embracing both. Choosing to be me, I said to hell with everyone else. After all, if I could take shit from Marines, I could take shit from anybody.

^^That’s me. Around 1982

In other words, I chose loving myself for all that I am. I chose that over caring what other people think about what I am. An aspect of what I am is a man who loves transgender women.

As I love myself, I love the blend that is the transgender female form. I love the struggle transgender women must go through. I love their strength. I love that they are sometimes reviled not only by men, women and society, but also by their parents sometimes. I love them because I know all these challenges make them who they are.

As my challenges made me who I am.

Today, I am married to a cis-woman who is working through her own process owning her lesbianism. Ours is a marriage of convenience. By that I mean, there is no better relationship for us than the one we have. It calls us to become more of that which we are. As individuals and as a couple. It has an end date because I'm transamorous and she leans gay. But for now, it works.

· · ·

I met my wife online. I hadn't been successful dating transgender women. I had relationships. but the early ones reflected my own trans-attraction insecurities. My insecurity showed up in meeting transgender women who also were insecure. Insecurity is no foundation for healthy coupledom. It didn't help that I dated in secret. In between cis-gender lovers.

Maybe that sounds familiar.

^^Me and my wife on our first date. (Photo Kyle Layser)

Insecurity transamorous men feel initially shows up in many ways. One is fear of being seen in public with the woman they find attractive. It's an early "trans-attraction" stage of transamory. It sounds dumb, but it's real. And it's a step older transamorous men go through more than younger ones these days. Some younger generation transamorous men reflect their generation. Their generation accepts gender fluidity. So they do too. So they don't experience insecurity.

Pro-tip non-sequitur for transgender women: Ridiculing and shaming men for being in this stage prolongs it. Want men to be proud to be with you in public? Stop shaming them.

When I met my wife, I was not intending to marry. I was open to a non-traditional relationship. Anyone I found attractive and compatible would do. Yet I entertained preference for a transgender partner. I knew, however, my insecurity wasn't going to match me with a transgender partner of my dreams.

My wife was determined to break her streak meeting men who were not good for her. Like me, she realized she was her problem. Not the men she dated. So we were a perfect match.

Relationships are always like that. Perfect matches.

Our marriage is a training ground. In it we are helping prepare one another for partners we eventually will have. It is our agreement. Our latest indicator our relationship is working is how we came to having an open relationship without any stress, struggle or pain.

As we together grow into our individual security, we are accepting who each other is. Our marriage reflects that. It has grown more peaceful and loving. And in that loving there is acceptance and freedom. Including freedom to explore my transamory should I choose.

If you're trans-attracted or transamorous, married or not, you can't love the object of your affection until you first love yourself. Especially if you're married. A lot of transamorous men are married to cis-gender women. There is nothing wrong in that.

Still, if you are married, your wife knows on some level that you are different. I assure you fights between you two have a lot to do with insecurity born of that awareness.

Hardness creates more struggle. So does insecurity. Extreme cases result in death. Almost half the murders of transgender women in 2017 happen in the context of intimate relationships gone awry, according to research I've done online. Seems to me the sooner you embrace who you are, the better you and everyone else will be. You'll be one less transamorous man hiding in their shame. That can prevent a murder.

^^It's time more transamorous men embrace all of who they are. (Photo: Ozan Safak on Unsplash)

Men loving transgender women is normal.

Love between humans is the norm. So it is normal that a human would express love for another human. Both men and transgender women are human. So love between them is as normal as any other love.

But I would argue there is no such thing as a "normal" man.

There are all kinds of men. The Gillette controversy shows that. If you're trying to be a normal man and think that's ok, you're not expressing your authenticity. You're expressing insecurity. Your "abnormality" is the norm. Your "perversity" is the norm. Your "sin" is the norm. Abnormality, perversity and sin are words reflecting societal judgment.

Fuck that.

Your individuality is the norm. That means there's no such thing as a normal or traditional man.

Transgender people are here to help all humanity to come to grips with the fact that to be human is to be different. There are a lot of normal men out there confronting their normalcy in light of their transamory. Some respond violently, with tragic consequences for both victim and perpetrator. Others call me, or send an email.

If you find transgender women attractive, you're in good company. All men will find the attractive ones attractive. Until they discover that attractive woman is transgender. But that doesn't negate their initial attraction. It only masks the attraction with shame expressed as revulsion. You're still attracted to her.

If you find transgender women worth loving, but struggle with it, that's ok. You don't have to figure it all out now. You will in time. My experience is, the journey is worth it. For you, for your relationships and for the human race as a whole.

Trans-Attracted Men: Don't Hate On Your Love

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’ve been on the site and after I put a reply to the topic of being trans attracted while being married, I looked at some earlier exchanges, most notably from two cisgender women who are wives of men who are trans attracted. Their responses were striking. It made me question my place in this community because I do not share some of the sentiments. Yes, I do have the shared attraction to trans women, however I am not in a situation where my wife doesn’t fulfill my needs. Nor do I compare my wife to trans women. My attraction to trans women is just that, an attraction. I’ve noticed this about myself, however I have no desire to act on it. I also have an attraction to Asian women and have for years, however again, I have no desire to act on that either nor do I compare my wife to Asian women. I do not judge the men who feel differently and I do not consider myself any better than them, but I am beginning to question as to if this is the right community because my opinion on this matter may not be received well. I feel that some may jump to the conclusion that I may be in some moral high ground based in religion, however that couldn’t be farther from the truth because I am an Atheist and proud to be. My opinion about this topic is MY opinion and I wouldn’t want anyone to perceive that everyone should feel the same way. It’s just that I’ve been on the receiving end of comparison by someone that I’ve trust my heart to and it only adds to the self-hatred. So I totally empathize with [The women] from [the comments section] and I feel bad that they are going through what they are describing. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Austin

Dear Austin,

Thanks for your letter/email. Yes, the responses from cis women who discovered their husbands were/are trans attracted are striking. No doubt about that. That said, their comments have nothing to do with or have anything to say about whether or not you have a “place” in the “community” that is The Transamorous Network.

Just because there are divergent opinions doesn’t mean one opinion is better than the other. Nor does it mean that one opinion gets to say whether or not another opinion belongs. You have contributed greatly to the conversation and I would encourage you to continue to do so.

Who cares if somebody jumps to the conclusion that you have some sort of moral high ground? Isn’t that their story? That has nothing to do with whether you actually do or not. Or whether you believe you do or not.

What people are going through is what they’re going through. The women complaining about their husbands likely have a lot more happening than their men being trans-attracted.

What they’re going through is a result of the stories they are telling themselves. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind that both woman knew what they were getting into at some level. It may not have been conscious of it, but they knew. That’s because everyone is a match to whoever they’re meeting. If this weren’t accurate, then what I share with clients would not work.

But what I show my clients does work, 100 percent of the time. So it must be accurate that wives of trans-attracted men, at some level, knew about their husband’s trans attraction.

The fact that they are blaming their husbands just shows how much they continue concealing what they knew from themselves.

Stick around. Or not. Either way do it from an empowered place, not from feeling you must leave because others aren’t happy with what you share.

The Awesome Point Where Things Come Easily

The best way to have everything you want, transgender women and trans-attracted men, is through finding a way to feel the best you can. Transamorous Network clients learn how to do that. When they do, their lives improve dramatically.

Not everyone needs help living from the best emotions they can. If you’re not a client, even though we offer incredibly reasonable rates, you can do it on your own. We offer a lot of free content here, and on other other platforms. Including YouTube.

Love, confidence and self-love are emotions with the most leverage.

From there, you should be able to see everything you want coming easy. Including the guy or girl you want.

Life flows consistent with how you feel

As I live from love, confidence and self-love, my life flows more and more consistent with my desires. I see plenty evidence of everything I want, emerging from within my life. Life feels good. It feels right. I feel loved.

Some ask “if that’s true, how come you’re not with anyone?”

My answer, of course, is, I’m clear about who I want as a partner. And, right now, I’m not yet a match to them. That’s where I’m focusing relationship-wise: becoming a match to them. I’m no hypocrite. So I practice what I preach.

Instead of looking for them, or being on dating sites or even going out on dates, I prefer this person come to me. I also know that will happen, when I’m a match.

In the meantime, I prefer being single.

How you feel can be manufactured

In that single-hood, I focus on creating the best, highest positive emotions I can about anything I think about. That’s because when I do that, when I manufacture my feelings through telling positive stories, I create the best circumstances for that partner I’ve created to show themselves to me.

Meanwhile, my life fills with other desires that fulfill themselves. For example, I don’t work anymore. No, I’m not retired. Instead, I enjoy my days lounging on the beach or hanging out at home. No matter where I am, I enjoy my passion to create a new economic reality for humanity or write about my transamorous experiences and share my spirituality with others through Positively Focused. Drawing, practicing spirituality and enjoying Netflix every once and a while fills my days. I also cook, bake and read things, all to my heart’s content. Not a single hour finds me working.

^^Me lounging on a local beach.

^^I bake. These are caramel blondies.

^^Snickerdoodles...need I say more? 😂

^^Me again, working on my tan.

^^Drawing I’m doing for an upcoming Positively Focused blog.

What about money?

I don’t think about it. So money takes care of itself, coming into my life in amounts enabling me to live the way I choose. And, because I’m Positively Focused, because I tell stories that feel good, more money flows into my life in bigger and bigger quantities.

Of course, as I live, the more I see, the more I want. The more I want, the more I see. And the more I want and see, the more momentum builds, allowing more of what I desire to be realized by me. So just by living this way, having fun and enjoying my life, things I want come easily, as they gradually become a match to me.

That includes my lover.

Since I know I’m eternal, I’m in no rush to meet this person. It will happen when it happens. In the meantime, I’m having a really great life. Lounging, loving myself, having fun, being creative and helping others do the same.

Transgender or Trans-attracted: Life Can Work So That It's Easy

Frustration sometimes happens when I think I’m not getting what I want. It’s frustrating only because I’m telling myself a false story: that I’m not getting what I want.  I know many transgender women and trans-attracted men feel similarly.

But that’s not how reality gets created. I create reality by my attention, not by what I want. So to get what I want, I must put my attention on that.

Or, I can focus on what it feels like having what I want – even when I don’t have it – and through putting attention there, gradually tune my stories to what I want. Doing that I see what I want coming easily.

Proof tells me it’s working

Many things happened showing this working. More clients showing up, publishing deals happening, money coming into my life without me having to do anything to get it, and, yes, trans women showing up too.

I’m wanting my ideal match though, so focusing on becoming more of a match to her – that’s my primary focus as far as relationships go.

Some wonder why I don’t have a partner. Since I say this work works, shouldn’t I be in a relationship?

The answer is: I’m not in a hurry. Fine tuning my life, my way of being and my stories so I match my perfect partner – that’s my goal. Not just being in a relationship. Besides, so much fun in my life happens these days, I don’t miss her.

Power lies in that perspective. Why is that?

Because in not missing her, I’m not telling stories focusing on her absence. Knowing that makes a huge difference.

Moving through to love, joy fun

In knowing that, when moments of frustration or impatience arrive, I realize frustration and impatience helps me get what I want. They tell me where I’m putting my attention. Not knowing that, I keep getting what’s frustrating me.

Trans-attracted men suffer from frustration, impatience and sometimes even anger over not getting what they want all the time. The way out is recognizing what those emotions say, then doing something about it.

Do that, and love, joy, fun, happiness – everything we’re wanting – comes easily. And when we’re matches to love, joy, fun and happiness, then the lover we want – who also is loving, joyful and happy – must come too.