But when I think about myself, older, it is much more comfortable and safe to dream about me being a successful male artist, somewhere, in my own house, wearing my own clothes, doing my own things, living my own life. That’s the me I’d trust. That’s the me I want to get older with.

It’s early... I still use other bodies to move in my dream world, as I always did. I embody people I feel close to myself. But it is me. It is just a body. Still me in there. That’s why I used to get confused and feel distant to myself, so down. But also so terribly safe, comfortable, close.

The shit that still blows my mind is the fact that I imagine myself being mostly people I admire, men I could love in real life. It’s real. But maybe it was never about love! Could just be a matter of identity.

When I’ll be whole, maybe this questioning will be accepted, and silenced.

The last thing I remember about this, before the lockdown, is me seeing that young boy on the bus. Not being able to figure out why I wanted to be him instead of wanting to date him.

Looking back, I think I just felt inadequate in the form he was seeing. So I pretended to be invisible, and wanting him to notice me at the same time. There was something in him I so desperately wanted.

But maybe I was just confusing attraction with me looking for my own identity.

If I change will it be the same?

Won’t change for me anyway

Love is not different, love is One.

And then there’s this crazy thing I’ve always been aware of, but never managed to explain. I like girls to look at me when I act masculine and get gender euphoria. The “binary” thing that girls look at boys they find attractive works for me wtf? But it is so natural for me, it gets me excited, and imagining myself being a boy with my female friends feels damn right. I’d still sleep with my best friend but maybe in a honest way. (Would she? Lol) Socially speaking that is what I actually want. I’ve always felt it, but as a former straight girl I’ve never actually cared about it.

ATM I can’t think about me with a boy. I still like older man, fuck fucking me. And I’ve always felt I had to change myself into that damn stereotypical woman aesthetic in order to even exist in front of them. But that’s not what I am. I messed it up. Love is not about this.

“If you love me right now, I could be anything”

Maybe this part needs time. Like, I probably still have to accept me being gay af, and honestly I’ve always hated all kind of terms and definitions. ''TO DEFINE IS TO LIMIT'', Wilde used to say. God now I finally understood why that phrase meant so much to me. I forgot. I mean, why do we have to call someone a certain way just because they love someone? Still doesn’t make sense to me. Much more than any other thing. Nature knows. We just do what we‘re here for. Why questioning? I will never care about society’s definitions. I may be gay but to me I’m just loving. And love doesn’t need words. Love doesn’t describe itself. You don’t explain it. It exists. That is all. Why can’t we just let ourselves exist too? I am real. As real as Love is.

“Aime comme tu l’entends”

For the first time, I feel every word I’m writing belongs to myself. That means I’m on the right path. That’s for certain. This truth is still silent, but someday everyone will hear, if they want to. Writing this makes me feel better (but it’s 4:32 am, maybe I’m being a lil too excited).

When I just live, or talk, or do things, or love, and I forget about myself in the process, it feels like I’m truly living.

So, there’s just this last thing: my name. It is very early to think about another, but if all this will become real I might have to change it. Being my name, it feels neutral to me. I’m so used to it. But then I remember it’s a feminine name (I hate it when humans decided to divide the world and material things basing themselves on their biology, another great senseless thing). I’d go for they/them but I’ll have to use he/him in order to exist in the world we created. Okay. That’s not a big deal, at least I’ll feel coherent to my [ideal] material form. And people won’t say shit.

conformable

Feel one

Exist

At one with myself and love