30/09/17.

Also I’m very embarrassed but I imagined F. so much lately, being my bf (best friend of cooourse, not boyfriend at all - lmao i'm so gay) and making videos with me etc. I remembered that one of the fist times I imagined myself as a BOY I was an artist, a successful and talented young man who got to know him. I’ve always thought it was because I never feel enough, and I’d be scared to meet him and telling him I’m an artist, so I built my ideal self, but now I don’t know... I used to imagine us drunk, on a bed, kissing... but before knowing it all. While listening to Noche sensorial lmao. And I liked it so much I couldn’t figure out why. I also portrayed myself looking like him and eventually hid the drawing.

But the fact is that I also want to look like F., fuuck he’s so perfect in his own way. And his mustache and goatee I mean. So I‘m trying to imagine we as ourselves (and not me in his body, even if it’s still hard for me to separate the two), him teaching me how to shave... ohgod. He would be so nice I’m sure. He would be kind to me. I want him to protect me. I admire him so much, I used to adore him.

Maybe I couldn’t figure out who I am because I’ve always had the need to compare myself to men, men I physically like, thinking it was because I loved them, because I was attracted to them...

The last time it actually happened, but with a greater consciousness, was the last weeks on the bus coming home. That boy from Lograto I used to see. I liked him [and it’s strange because I rarely care about guys my age] but I also had the clear feeling I wanted to BE him. So strong it destabilised me. I felt distressed and confused.

The night before going to Milan [21 February] I told my mum about these things, but in a very incomplete and messed way. But when I woke up the next morning I felt relieved. I didn’t know a great deal of shit was about to start and for the two following months I suffered every single day and felt my brain was about to explode, nothing made sense and sometimes I wished I were dead.

But when I think about myself, older, it is much more comfortable and safe to dream about me being a successful male artist, somewhere, in my own house, wearing my own clothes, doing my own things, living my own life. That’s the me I’d trust. That’s the me I want to get older with.

It’s early... I still use other bodies to move in my dream world, as I always did. I embody people I feel close to myself. But it is me. It is just a body. Still me in there. That’s why I used to get confused and feel distant to myself, so down. But also so terribly safe, comfortable, close.

The shit that still blows my mind is the fact that I imagine myself being mostly people I admire, men I could love in real life. It’s real. But maybe it was never about love! Could just be a matter of identity.

When I’ll be whole, maybe this questioning will be accepted, and silenced.

The last thing I remember about this, before the lockdown, is me seeing that young boy on the bus. Not being able to figure out why I wanted to be him instead of wanting to date him.

Looking back, I think I just felt inadequate in the form he was seeing. So I pretended to be invisible, and wanting him to notice me at the same time. There was something in him I so desperately wanted.

But maybe I was just confusing attraction with me looking for my own identity.

If I change will it be the same?

Won’t change for me anyway

Love is not different, love is One.

And then there’s this crazy thing I’ve always been aware of, but never managed to explain. I like girls to look at me when I act masculine and get gender euphoria. The “binary” thing that girls look at boys they find attractive works for me wtf? But it is so natural for me, it gets me excited, and imagining myself being a boy with my female friends feels damn right. I’d still sleep with my best friend but maybe in a honest way. (Would she? Lol) Socially speaking that is what I actually want. I’ve always felt it, but as a former straight girl I’ve never actually cared about it.

ATM I can’t think about me with a boy. I still like older man, fuck fucking me. And I’ve always felt I had to change myself into that damn stereotypical woman aesthetic in order to even exist in front of them. But that’s not what I am. I messed it up. Love is not about this.

“If you love me right now, I could be anything”

Maybe this part needs time. Like, I probably still have to accept me being gay af, and honestly I’ve always hated all kind of terms and definitions. ''TO DEFINE IS TO LIMIT'', Wilde used to say. God now I finally understood why that phrase meant so much to me. I forgot. I mean, why do we have to call someone a certain way just because they love someone? Still doesn’t make sense to me. Much more than any other thing. Nature knows. We just do what we‘re here for. Why questioning? I will never care about society’s definitions. I may be gay but to me I’m just loving. And love doesn’t need words. Love doesn’t describe itself. You don’t explain it. It exists. That is all. Why can’t we just let ourselves exist too? I am real. As real as Love is.

“Aime comme tu l’entends”

For the first time, I feel every word I’m writing belongs to myself. That means I’m on the right path. That’s for certain. This truth is still silent, but someday everyone will hear, if they want to. Writing this makes me feel better (but it’s 4:32 am, maybe I’m being a lil too excited).

When I just live, or talk, or do things, or love, and I forget about myself in the process, it feels like I’m truly living.

So, there’s just this last thing: my name. It is very early to think about another, but if all this will become real I might have to change it. Being my name, it feels neutral to me. I’m so used to it. But then I remember it’s a feminine name (I hate it when humans decided to divide the world and material things basing themselves on their biology, another great senseless thing). I’d go for they/them but I’ll have to use he/him in order to exist in the world we created. Okay. That’s not a big deal, at least I’ll feel coherent to my [ideal] material form. And people won’t say shit.

You ne'

You never gonna change me

If it's in this form again

Well I wanna know how why where and when and then

I wanna see you be the bright night sky