#trans fear

like in theory i am totally safe with these people, yet i still feel weird about even just making offhand comments about my transness and my experience.

why am i so scared of them just one day having had enough, or getting bored with me being trans? why am i scared of them suddenly rejecting me because it's been going on too long or i've talked too much about it? why are these even thoughts that cross my mind? why are these legit fears that i have?

i think it's really tragic that as trans people we have to be scared of these kinds of things even if they don't have any proof or maybe even much possibility. because all our life we've been conditioned to think of peole like us as weird or freaks or even that we don't exist, so now we just fear that those who accept us now could suddenly realise that what we've been taught is correct, and trans people actually are weird and freakish and we aren't actually the gender we know we are.

but there are also so many instances when somebody says they support trans people but then turn around and say transphobic shit. so we have to be cautious around the people who say support us too because we can never really know whether they truly mean it or whether they just think they support us but actually don't.

Nobody’s here except for me

today

march 31 2023

trans day of visibility

why on a day that is meant for being seen feel so scary this year

oh wait it’s because my rights are being debated again

year after year after year i have to sit in my room and wonder “what if it’s me next?”

i shouldn’t be thinking that

i shouldn’t have to think about all the trans kids who will die and already have died from anti trans laws and rhetoric

scared that my friend who i haven’t been able to contact in months is dead

this is a scary time for people like me and im terrified

not for myself but for my partner who is a trans fem

who is targeted more then i am

who is shit on more then i am

and i can’t stop thinking about her face coming up on the news one day and hearing that she is dead

dead by the hands of someone who thinks she shouldn’t exist

dead by the congress members who think she shouldn’t exist

Also, that thing I posted yesterday about how the press reported on Mussolini positively and then Hitler sort of derogatorily, not taking him seriously...

You know that word that’s been going around, “unprecedented”?

Well, lemme tell ya, this, si, yes, this, it is setting some serious precedent.

1. Being alone forever. 

2. Never pleasing my partner(s) sexually. 

3. Never getting a beard. 

4. Shaving what factual hair I have and it not growing back ( can’t happen ).

5. Other trans people thinking I’m not trans enough.

6. Cis people not thinking of me as a real man. 

7. Not having a family.

8. A injection gone wrong. 

9. Being forced off of T. 

10. Being harmed because I’m trans. 

11. Being outed. 

12. Never getting a job because I seam to queer. 

13. Always looking like a androgynous girl / butch lesbian stereotype.

14. Always having huge birthing hips and a big but.

15. Public washrooms.

16. Shaving my head and it looking wearied / not liking it.

17. Trying/doing something that’s so “girly “ others get uncomfortable and make me feel uncomfortable about it. 

18. letting any of my fears get in my way of trying things / doing things I love.