unknown author

or have my parents flip on the news and see that it’s their child who died, im sacred and it won’t stop

maybe it’s still bad, but at least the cravings are gone….. right?

i don’t even remember most of my trama shit, like why am i like this to begin with???

im scared of moving forward, it’s scary and it’s really hard to heal and to work on all the trama i didn’t ask for, undoing every little stitch the trama has to my brain, i don’t have scissors to just cut it out i have only the needle that was used and it’s so tireing, and i don’t know what’s behind it all either, what happened to me? why did i turn out the way i did? is being me somthing bad or something to be scared of, being on t has helped some of the mental disphoria and it’s a little scary, my feelings are changing but in ways that still align with how i am rn, my relationship and the way it presents currently is what i want, i want a masc presenting women to be my wife, and i want to be masc presenting too but look kind of like a fem man, the muscles but with long hair but also facial hair and no tits, i am happy with where i am but i want to move forward but that’s scary and im scared of loosing everything i have and i keep feeling like those things are happening now which is effecting my days and i think i need to try new meds

i sit in the room i share with my partner, though i am alone with the curtains closed and the lamp on, i can hear the sounds of my partner and nana talking downstairs and the sounds of the tires squeaking on the snow outside my window, i feel trapped, as if i’m back at my parents house just a year ago. things seem still, the dog barks at a passer by and i jump, the sound of the crackeling and ringing electricity swarms my brain as everything falls quite. the sound of someone closeing a car door and opening another, reprimanding the dog for doing a task that isn’t allowed. why can’t i move from my bed? why do i feel panic through my chest and stomach? the chest freezer being opened then shut again, a bowl and spoon for what i assume will be icecream being taken from the drawers. im not there anymore, why do i feel im still there? im typing this as me, [redacted], but i don’t physically feel like me. my partner talking about her video game and useing the controller to play. is it me? who are you and what’s your story? why can’t i see you and only feel you? your so loud, you seem scared? i don’t know. looking around the room everything seems so familiar but i feel out of place.