#top!lance

Keith makes to turn his head and his date laughs again, quickly reaching out to hold his hand and draw his attention back to him, “Hey, I said don’t look!”

Keith looks up into his smile and nods awkwardly before settling on his hand. It stays there, even if Keith is no longer turning. Keith isn’t sure how he feels about it.

It’s been… a really long time since anyone’s held his hand.

He decides he’ll let it be for now. His date seems to like that and casually rubs his thumb over his skin.

  Like Lance used to do.

Ah god it’s been years, is Keith really, really still not ready?! Lance sure was! Lance moved on through the whole damn university’s freshman class before Keith was even done coming to terms with the fact, they were over. Who does that?! Who bleeds love and romance like Lance does and then just— just— trivialize it with a bunch of nobodies while the love of his supposed life curls up on the floor of his dorm trying to figure out what the fucking phantom limb pain is— and let’s face it, he couldn’t just call his brother all “we broke up and it feels like I lost my right hand” cause Shiro would then have every right to disown him.

No. No. Keith should be over this. So fucking over this.

So UNBELIEVABLY FUCKING OVER THIS—

  He looks at his date and stares into his eyes as softly as he’s able, casually reaching over to cover his hand with his in a way he hopes is reassuring.

“Right, right… so what were we talking about?”

His date smiles wide at the movement before his face takes on a more serious edge.

“Oh boy. Now he’s coming over. Shit.”

  Keith pulls a face, about to inform his date he could probably take just about anyone who wants to cause them trouble when a familiar voice crashes through his senses like a bloody train wreck.

  “Knew I recognized that mullet.”

  No.

Keith retrieves both his hands and slips them under the table to grip at his knees.

Of all the horrible luck...

  “Oh— you know him?”

  No gods no please.

This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening this can’t…!

  “Yeah man. Keithykins here and I go way back.”

  Keithykins. Keith hated when Lance called him that. It always meant he was up to no good which he clearly was at this exact moment.

But Keith couldn’t move. Couldn’t look up. Because Lance’s voice is doing things to him just the way it’s always done and suddenly he’s 19 again, laying right beside the love of his life as he plays with his hair and holds him close, talking about where they’re gonna move when they graduate…

Lance was supposed to move. He was supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be anywhere but here in this bar sliding into the booth next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders and smelling like heaven never truly left him—

  “Lance don’t—”

Lance reaches forward with the hand not currently squeezing Keith’s shoulder and grabs Keith’s chin.

And Keith wants to stop it, wants so terribly to push him off and beat him half to death with a bar stool but—

But between meeting in high school, falling in love, breaking up and the years Keith spent wishing and wishing and wishing for a moment just like this in his delusional heartbroken state… he’s just— he’s just been in love with Lance for so fucking long how could he ever say no…?

  Lance tilts his face up to look at him and Keith could swear it’s like looking at the sun. He’s so bright and beautiful and perfect but it hurts so much it hurts

So much.

How is he still so gorgeous? How have the years not worn him down, made him tired? Made him into something that didn’t have complete and total control of Keith’s heart please—

  “Isn’t that right, kitten?”

  Those words amount to two things in Keith as soon as they’re spoken.

First, it’s fury. Blind, “I absolutely will beat you to death with a bar stool” kind of unadulterated fury. The kind of fury Keith is positive Lance has never before had to witness from him because he was always too cute or too funny or too hot (Jesus, baby, take me now!) to leave Keith in that state for long.

Second, and more pressing, unfortunately, was the way Keith ran through the million other times Lance had called him Kitten.

The “too hot” Lance who put Keith’s rage to better use.

He remembers the burn in his thighs, riding Lance in the backseat of the little blue civic, “you’re doing so well kitten, fuck, taking my cock so well!”

He remembered laying on his stomach in his bed, Lance’s face stuffed between his ass cheeks and humming, “you like this Kitten? You want more?” And Keith’s resounding fucking mewl when he sunk his tongue back into his heat.

He remembered sitting in Lance’s lap at a frat party, waiting for Pidge to finish her experiment so they could take her home, indulging in a couple drinks while Lance kept his arms firmly around his waist pressing small little kisses into Keith’s neck.

“Can’t wait to take you home, kitten…”

Keith remembers faintly how that comment had actually come from Lance’s anxiety over asking Keith to meet his family over the winter break and not just because Keith kept squirming against Lance’s cock that night.

He remembers Lance staring at him for a long while, when they’d gotten the BnB for their anniversary and Keith had tried to cook for them.

He remembers Lance’s fond expression after he’d angrily tossed a partly melted spatula into the sink and screeched at him, “What?! What is it?!”

And Lance had so easily slipped out of his chair, wandered up beside him and pressed their foreheads together, “my god, sweetheart, light of my life, kitten, you are so fucking precious… but please let me make breakfast.”

  And so the fury melted into a single whispered lie.

“I hate you.”

—

  Lance didn’t plan to go out tonight. He had planned to stay home with a barrel of bluebell ice cream and his cat and binge watch whatever new show he could find on Netflix.

But Hunk had insisted.

Nay, nagged!

And Hunk then confessed, after Lance had already agreed under conditions of bribery, blackmail, and the miraculous healing of Hunks weepy broken heart (the faker), that Hunk had arranged a date for him.

Lance had feigned a hint of interest over FaceTime before hopping in the shower and thumping his head into the wall a number of times that would have been questionable if he’d had a roommate.

Because he didn’t want a date.

He didn’t want anything.

He stupidly selfishly threw away the only thing he ever truly wanted for the unknown other and has spent the last few years regretting that decision with every bland girl and boy who could never make his blood run like—

He’d shaken his head, don’t think about him, you’re not allowed to think about him anymore he’s probably off and about with someone who actually deserves him. Who loves him enough to not be a stupid dunce about a thing like true commitment?

If he could go back.

If he could go back, he’d etch his name into his soul, never let go of his hand, never take him for granted again just—

Stop.

Stop it.

Keith was better off this way.

Lance can live in monotony, it’s his punishment.

  Still, he was Lance. And he had an image to maintain. Desire to date or no. He made sure he was dressed like a charmer. Besides, he never really knows does he?

No one will ever be Keith but maybe he can still find some kind of happiness.

Right?

Was he allowed?

He hoped Keith was happy.

He wished Keith was there. Fingers curling in the little tufts of hair at the back of his neck, cracking jokes about Lance’s obsession with his long hair, “you can’t rock it like I can Lance.”

“Like I’d ever want a mullet.”

“You love it.”

I love you.

I love you.

Stupid things he should have said.

He should have said it because even if he didn’t really understand it, he felt it and he knew Keith felt it and if he’d just said it—

  Nope.

Stop.

Not allowed.

  He checked himself in the mirror one last time for any minor imperfections and shot Hunk a text that he was on his way.

Of course, leave it to Hunk to not specify which lounge he was currently occupying and for Lance to make assumptions that it was the usual location.

He was sitting at the bar and had already ordered one drink when he got impatient and sent his best friend another slightly irritated text.

  “I figured when you were inviting me out that meant you’d be here already…”

The response was an immediate

“What?”

And before he could text back his phone was ringing.

He rolled his eyes, took a sip of his rum and coke and pressed accept.

“Where are you, I don’t see you—” Hunk started before Lance replaced his drink and picked up his phone to face himself and the rest of the lounge behind him.

“I’m chilling at the bar since you couldn’t be bothered to—”

Hunk’s eyes widened and he shook his head, “oh man did I not mention?? We’re at the new place that opened up—”

Lance felt the beginnings of his temper about to flare and grit his teeth, “you’re telling me I’m at the wrong place? Dude, what’s wrong with Altea?!”

“Nothing’s wrong with Altea! It’s just that Shay has friends who just started working at The Balmera and we thought why not?”

“Well maybe you should have said something about that earlier!” Lance groaned and pointed his phone away from himself for a moment so he could rub his temples with his free hand before retrieving his drink.

He briefly heard Hunk mumble something just as he lifted the phone up again and when he could see his friends face again, he just had to ask.

“Yo did someone just get shot or something? Hunk what’s wrong?”

“Oh man. Uh. Nothing. You should get out of there though— like I mean. Hurry up and get over here— shit you started drinking— how about an Uber? I’ll order you an uber.”

Lance stared into the screen for a long moment before deciding Hunk could eat shit on his own time.

“Spill it or the first thing I’m doing when I meet Shay is talking about summer camp.”

“You know what? I would take that hit for you. Because we’re bros, now finish your drink so I can call you an uber.”

That? That was too much. There was no way Hunk was going to just take that abuse unless he was trying to cover for something really bad.

Finally, putting two and two together; Lance turned on his stool to investigate the rest of the bar and he immediately zeroed in on what had caused Hunk to get jumpy.

And honestly, he couldn’t blame him considering how fast his own heart jumped into his throat.

“Lance buddy no- just get over here okay? We’ll have an amazing night, Romelle here is like-- super sweet and dying to meet you- Lance come on-”

Lance didn’t look at his phone, barely registered he was still holding it until he heard his plastic cover start to creak under his tightened grip.

“It- It might not even be him okay!?” Hunk persisted.  

Lance isn’t having it. Knew Hunk was spouting nonsense. Knew who that was better than he knew his own name.

  Lance used to wake up every morning staring at the back of his head. Played with the ends of his hair. Kissed his neck. Bit into his shoulder. Gripped his hips. Mumbled sappy little nothings against his skin while the dark-haired angel in his arms started to breathe a little shallow and sway his hips…

Lance had actual heaven and he lost it.

  But there he was. Perfect and beautiful and making small talk with—

Who the fuck was that?

  He doesn’t know how long he’s staring before the beautiful boy turns his head, quick, Lance barely has a moment to register the bars mood lighting glinting off his skin,

But he knows without a doubt.

  Hunk is still begging him to listen, to leave, to go out with him and the girls and pretend this wasn’t happening.

But how the hell was Lance supposed to do a thing like that?

  The universe had presented him with a gift.

A gift he didn’t feel he deserved, but a gift he absolutely wasn’t going to squander.

If there was even a chance. Even a tiny piece of love left inside Keith for him then he needed to know.

If there was a chance in hell that Keith might ever even look at him the way he used to—he needed—

  He hung up on Hunk and walked over without thinking. He spoke before he allowed himself to really look at Keith. He’s so blinded by the angry twisting in his gut when he sees Keith’s beautiful perfect hands in someone else’s grasp— is he still wearing those ridiculous gloves??— man, of course he is.

But then Keith retrieved his hands at the sound of his voice, and Lance follows that motion with his eyes, he really gets to look at him.

His hair has grown out a bit, and he’s broader in the shoulders. Honestly, he’s more gorgeous now than ever. Dressed in black leggings like he used to wear all the time at home, comfortable with one of Lance’s old shirts. Today it’s more black instead, tight, something he probably got before his last growth spurt but only managed to make him look even better as it stretched over his chest and shoulders. Just a little gap of skin at his waist where his shirt didn’t meet the waistband of his pants. Keith’s ivory skin was such a sharp contrast from the darkness he’d bathed himself in it was hard to keep his eyes from being drawn to certain places.

So, he forces himself to look only at Keith’s face then, to see how pointedly Keith tries not to look at him.

He sits down next to him, again without thinking. Maybe because it still feels so damn natural to gravitate to his side.

Lance felt the heat building in his chest, in his face, he knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew he was probably hurting Keith with this but…

Just one more selfish act. He had to look him in the eyes. He needed to see.

  And if there’s nothing in Keith’s eyes for him Lance would leave. A quick peck on the cheek so he can tell himself that was their true last kiss, say something polite, try not to hurt himself on his way out of the bar when he’s positive he won’t be able to see from the stupid tears that would definitely build. But he’d leave. If there is nothing left inside of Keith for him Lance would let him be.

  So, when Lance reaches out and turns Keith’s face to his, recognizing that look, it’s over.

  It’s written all over his face.

The universe has given him a gift. And that gift is a Keith who against all better judgement is still desperately in love with him.

It’s everything in him to not kiss him right there. To not pull him onto his lap and tell the stranger to go. Because Keith is his, has always been his, will always be his.

  “Isn’t that right, kitten?”

  —

By the time his date leaves Keith can’t feel his fingers. Lance’s hands traced circles up and down his side just under the table the whole damn time making Keith feel both dirty and goddamn delighted because fuck, did he miss Lance’s hands but also no, what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck Keith get a hold of yourself?!?

  When his date’s brows furrow and he actually tries— god help his poor unfortunate soul— to ask Keith if he’s okay, if they should go, Keith can’t even look at him.

His skin is hot and he’s sure it plays on his face.

And Lance knows it too, casually reaching an arm up to run through Keith’s hair before pushing him into his chest.

And Keith— damn his pathetic heart—he melts right into him.

“We’ve got a bit to catch up on, so I think Keithykins wants to stay, don’t you Gorgeous?”

Keith hates it. Hates himself. Hates Lance.

But he nods.

  And with that, the stranger is gone and it’s just Lance and Keith on one side of the booth, Lance’s short nails bluntly scratching affectionately at his scalp.

Keith almost imperceptibly pushing closer, afraid that this is all some cruel joke and when he shows just how much love he still harbors in his heart Lance night pull away.

Might mock him.

Might hurt him.  

What other reason could there be for this?

Lance left him. Lance left him to pursue some bullshit ideas about his identity or what the fuck ever, some other piece of crap reason to break up with someone when the truth is you just got bored.

  Because that’s right. That’s what it took Keith so long to figure out.

He left because he got bored. Because Keith wasn’t enough for him anymore. Because feelings didn’t matter because caring for one another didn’t matter. Keith wasn’t attentive enough or hot enough or worth enough—

  “You okay, sweetheart?” Lance mumbles into the top of his head.

He sounds timid now. Way less the menace that just ruined his date and more someone who might actually care about another person's feelings.

Hah.

Yeah right.

Yeah right yeah right yeah right—

Keith shuts his eyes tight and lifts his head, nosing into Lance’s neck.

He knows his actions won’t match his words, but he can’t help it.

  “How the fuck am I supposed to be okay…?”

You’re the fucking devil and I’m still in love with you.

  Lance takes a deep breath and his arms wrap tighter around Keith’s waist now, “yeah I uh… this was probably the biggest dick move of my life, huh?”

Keith snorts, and despite how hard he’s trying, he knows his cheeks are getting damp and Lance will notice soon. He lowers his head back to Lance’s chest to put it off as long as possible.

“You can absolutely beat the crap out of me later,” Lance offers.

Keith nearly counters with “let me carve your heart out and maybe we’ll be even.” But instead he huffs again. Because words are difficult right now.

“I just. Couldn’t pass up the chance to… see you again.”

Keith wants to scream.

“You never realize how big this city is until you start wishing you’ll turn a corner and see someone and it just… never happens?”

Keith knew damn well. Spent years after leaving university, a drop out who couldn’t get his act together again, watching for Lance everywhere, hoping to catch his eye and be offered a smile— a brisk jog over, an apology, an offer to get lunch together. Catch up. Try being friends again. Spend a few weeks dancing around each other stupidly until someone cracks and kisses the other and then Keith could finally feel whole again—

Yeah. Keith fucking knew how uselessly huge this fucking city was because he never saw Lance again.

Until now. Until he selfishly and cruelly let himself in on his date and made Keith feel so fucking much.

Proving to Keith that he hadn’t grown past the boy who’d selfishly decided to leave him in the first place.

“I…Uhm… I’m…”

“An idiot.” Keith grits out finally.

Lance physically deflates under Keith’s weight but nods.

“Yeah.”

“Selfish asshole.”

Lance nods again, slowly shifting his head so he can hide his face in the top of Keith’s hair. Not that Keith can see him anyway.

“Fucked up years of my life and the second I try to move past you here you are to fuck it up even more.” Keith continues. He doesn’t want this moment, wrapped in Lance’s arms to end, but he can’t just pretend Lance didn’t hurt him. Lance’s hold doesn’t weaken but Keith is scared all the same, so he wraps his own arms around Lance. It makes the taller man’s breath hitch ever so slightly but Keith can’t care about that. Won’t.

“You’re a cruel man.”

“I know.”

Keith blinks. The dampness on his eyelashes leaves droplets on his face but he can’t quite grasp the dejected way Lance spoke.

He raises his head, removing the barrier and comfort Lance has found in his hair, and looks him in the face.

“I’m a monster Keith. I know.” Lance says again.

And with those words, staring into Lance’s eyes even as he tries to look away, something clicks in his brain.

“No…” Keith breathes out, head bobbing up for a moment as he tries to make a decision.

Lance sees the motion and his eyes widen but he remains anxious, unsettled under Keith’s gaze. But Keith loves him.

Keith loves him and so he presses a small kiss to the corner of his lips.

“No. Not a monster. I know monsters.” Keith mumbles against Lance’s cheek.

“Stupid. Selfish. Reckless. Sometimes cruel. But you’re not a monster, you’ve never been.”

Keith pushes himself up on the booth seat, turns and throws a leg over Lance’s lap. The area is cramped, and his back is against the edge of the table but fuck it.

Fuck all of it.

Fuck the years of his misery fuck how much pain Lance had caused him. Lance was also the cause of the happiest moments of his life and he wanted that back damn it.

He just. Needs to make sure Lance wants it too.

“Tell me… are you sorry, Lance?”

Lance nodded.

“Did you spend these years wallowing in regret?”

Lance’s eyes looked damp too.

“You have no idea.”

Keith nods, “are you sorry for the stupidly devastating way you just handled things right now…?”

Lance opened his mouth to speak but paused. Keith retrieved his arms from where they’d landed on Lance’s chest in the shift in position and Lance reflexively pulled him in closer.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m only sorry it was devastating to you. I’m not sorry that I get to be holding you right now, that you’re in my lap looking at me like you might actually be willing to come home with me…I’m a dick but I’m not going to spit in the face of the universe.”

Keith rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms, letting them lean against Lance’s chest again.

“You’re a dumbass.”

“Yes.”

“I’m not coming home with you.”

Lance nods quietly at that one. He’s doesn’t seem disappointed, like he knew it was a stretch when he said it.

And it was. And Keith is already letting him off too easy it’s just…

Keith really wants to kiss him. Really wants to go home with him and forget the last few years ever happened. Hold him until morning and know he’ll never leave his side again.

  “You… really hurt me Lance.”

Lance’s brows furrow and he breathes out through his nose and he leans his head forward to press against Keith’s forehead.

“And I am so, so sorry.”

“I could have given you everything— I did give you everything…!” Keith is panicking, because he knows what he wants and knows what he deserves, and he hates that in this moment Lance isn’t both.

And Lance knows it.

  “Baby—baby, I know, I know I don’t deserve you. I know I ruined everything for us but please— if you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

  Fuck.

Fuck Keith wanted to believe him.

“How can I trust that…?” His voice sounds weak and cracked and he hates it. “You couldn’t commit to me before how the hell are you supposed to commit to me like that now?”

  “I was a stupid college kid who didn’t know any better. If I could go back to that cute little place we rented on our anniversary— the one where you tried to make pancakes you beautiful absolute chaos creature— I’d have asked you to marry me because living like this, without you has been the worst time of my life and I promise you— I promise—Keith…?”

  “...marry you…?”

  Lance blinks, reaching up with one hand and wiping one of Keith’s wayward tears off his cheek as Keith stares at him with wide eyes.

Lance tries to keep the awkward smile from playing on his face because he realizes mentioning marriage when your ex boyfriend is struggling with the idea of being with your ungrateful ass again something that big should probably wait but…

But it’s true. Lance should have asked Keith to marry him then, and he would happily do so now. If Keith wanted.

  Keith lowers his head and mumbles something short and quick that Lance doesn’t catch.

“Sweetheart?”

  “You don’t really mean that… do you…?”

  Lance sighs and nods, “I do. I know I shouldn’t because I hurt you, but I do. I’ve spent the last few years mourning the life I could have had with you— that we should have had together. Kitten, I promise if you let me I’ll do everything in my power to make sure nothing, especially me, ever hurts you again.”

  Keith feels his resolve breaking. As if he had any left when he sat in Lance’s lap and told him he wasn’t a monster.

“Call me that again…” he mumbles, staring at the collar of Lance’s shirt. It’s a deep v neck, showing off a bit of that firm chest Keith loves so much. He wishes he were staring out of love and not because he doesn’t think his heart can handle looking into Lance’s face.

Lance leans forward again, and Keith can hear the smile on his lips even if he can feel the tension in his arms.

“Kitten…”

“I want to kiss you, but I don’t think I can.” Keith barks abruptly. “Feels like I lose if I kiss you. It’s me giving in and forgiving you. But if you kiss me then it’s you being selfish and careless again. But I want to kiss you. So, so badly.”

Lance remains perfectly still for a long moment before Keith makes a small noise, “Please be selfish one more time…?”

And Lance is gone to do his bidding, one hand at the small of Keith’s back, the other just behind his neck as he captures his lips. Heart pounding so loud in his chest he feels like it might actually kill him. But so is Keith’s. Keith whose arms wrap around Lance’s neck and head to keep him as close as possible. Keith who pushes his body and conforms to Lance’s in a way that makes if feel like they’ve never been apart. They always just fit together like this and always would.

Keith’s lips are soft. Softer than he remembered them. A testament to the effort Keith put into his date before he’d come around to wreck it. But given how Keith slowly moves his lips against Lance’s, that Lance is the one who gets to taste those lips even if it’s just for a moment— well then it was kind of worth it right?

But as quick as it starts, it’s over and Keith is panting with his forehead against Lance’s cheek.

“Thank you.” He breathes out. And Lance can’t help it.

Can’t help but say the words out loud, the ones that he never said when he was supposed to before.

“I love you.”

Keith freezes.

Lance feels his insides start to twist uncomfortably.

Keith slowly raises his head to stare into Lance’s face and Lance knows he can’t hide the fear in his eyes.

“Again.” Keith mouths.

Lance’s face implores him, he’s terrified of these words, of saying them to Keith in this position. Talking about his desire to spend the rest of his life with him doesn’t feel as dangerous. If Keith were to hear those words from his lips and fail to believe him— to call him a liar—

  He’s not lying.

He’s not lying, and Keith will know that and even if he doesn’t, even if Keith is still in too much pain to believe those words are true and he lashed out then— well, Lance deserves it doesn’t he?

  “...I love you, Keith.”

  Keith is silent, staring, his nearly violet eyes bare through him and give nothing away.

  “I always have I was just… too stupid to believe it.. to say it…”

  “Lance…” Keith’s voice is steady. “...again.”

  “...I love you…”

  Still Keith watches.

  “Kitten…?”

  “I guess you are a monster… to say that to me. Here. Now. Of all times and places…”

  Lance feels his heart start to shatter at those words, but it doesn’t match Keith’s face, doesn’t match the way he starts to crawl off his lap but instead holds his hand, keeps their fingers intertwined as he pulls him up off the booth.

  “Now you have to take me home, make me feel it.”

  Oh.

  Keith smiles at him and Lance feels like he’s seeing the sun shine for the first time in years, in the middle of the night in this parking lot.

Lance smiles and Keith feels like the pit of ice that had started in his gut and travelled up his chest  to swallow up his heart so long ago was finally, finally, melting away.

Lance shows him to his newer blue civic. It’s still an old used car but this one is from this decade. Keith hates it, because he says this car doesn’t remember him like the old one does.

Lance laughs but Keith is already leading him, laying back against the passenger side door and pulling Lance down to him.

It’s an invitation and Lance wants to take it but waits. Waits because after everything, every move from here on out is for Keith.

And Keith intends to take advantage of it, “Hey Lance… you can start now.”

“Start....?”

Keith’s fingers tug at Lance’s V-neck, laying his head back against the car and peering up through hooded eyes, “Say it again. And make me feel it.”

Lance stares at him, feels one of Keith’s knees start to slide up his thigh, and he wonders how the hell he ever gave this up. Lance nuzzles into Keith’s neck, extended as it was by his position, and breaths him in, “God, I love you so much.”

Keith huffs, a more pleasant sound than when he’d done so earlier, “Yeah, I knew it, already getting old…”

Lance raises his head so fast, a small whimper in his throat and Keith laughs outright.

“Relax dumbass... one more time.”

“I don’t think I want to, now.” Lance whines.

Keith rolls his eyes, “Again. Lance. Please.”

Lance kisses him instead. It comes as a surprise and Keith’s hand almost comes up to push him away, but Lance is already leaning back, “No, you don’t have to say please. I love you. I’ll say it however many times you need me to, as many times as I can, no matter how much you want to tease me because fuck it I deserve it.”

Keith leans his head back against the car again, “Yeah, you do. But I’ll stop… for now. You can kiss me again instead.”  

  Lance nods and moves back in, lips against Keith’s once again, his hands wandering into Keith’s hair and tugging absently because he still can’t grasp how this might actually be his life again and he needed to latch on to something. Keith doesn’t seem to mind. He’s the first to part his lips, tongue not asking for permission so much as demanding it and Lance can’t give it fast enough.

Lance will do better this time. Make sure Keith never regrets tonight.

His mouth seemed to say Lance’s name, but no sound came out.

Instead there was only a soft sigh and the very slow tightening of Keith’s grip on Lance’s wrist.

Lance’s heart beat wildly in his chest at the small motion, realizing they were so close he could make out the shine in Keith’s eyes.

“What are you—?”

“Sorry it just… felt nice…” Keith’s eyelids slipped down part way, obscuring them from Lance’s view, “Felt really… good.”

Lance took a breath. Shaky, unsure. The others were still very much asleep but who knew for how long.

This was already a highly compromising position for the two of them to be in and now Keith was telling him he liked it? And not letting go?

At the silence Keith seemed to get a little less brave and his grip lessened.

Lance felt a coldness seep into where his hands had initially held contact. He didn’t think he liked it.

“I’m sorry, you did that by accident…didn’t you? F-forget I said anything.” Keith’s eyes darted up for a second before he looked back down and rolled over turning his back to Lance again. But that one second had been enough.

So, the position had been a little telling. So what?

He scooched over just enough that when he put his hand out to softly run up and down Keith’s side, he was comfortable and could easily make it look like he was mid-stretch if someone woke up and saw.

Keith jumped at the initial contact, small but noticeable thanks to his hand on his body, but in the silence and barely morning light he seemed to melt under his fingers.

By the time Shiro woke up, Lance had settled for carefully playing with the ends of Keith’s hair, something far less damning than a hand on his waist, and their morning started without a hitch.

They didn’t talk about it.

—-

It just becomes this thing that they do, migrating toward each other during easy or vulnerable moments.

Lance realizes quickly that the reason Keith is so receptive is because he’s starved of physical affections. He leans into every touch from every one of his teammates, Lance isn’t special.

Well. Not like that anyway.

Lance is special because he knows, and he provides Keith with a comfort none of the others even realize he needs.

Lance is special because, unlike when Shiro will pat his shoulders or when Pidge will lean into his side, Keith knows Lance’s touches are deliberate. And Lance is special because the night Keith falls asleep on the couch in the rec room— what happens there is purely for Lance.

 It had been weeks already. Small touches stretching on forever, warmth settling under skin. Lance’s favorite thing to do at this point is to graze his palm over the small of Keith’s back, feel him arch just the smallest bit, curving in a way that might keep his hand right there. But Lance always pulls away because the point is to graze not to settle. If Keith wants more, he has to say it.

 Lance is waiting for him to say it.

 And it’s from the rec room couch that he does.

 Lance sees that familiar tuft of black hair and casually lets his hand trail through it as he walks by the couch to turn off the television set Hunk must have left running when he left his movie companion for whatever dire feat of engineering had been required of him.

When he walks back Keith’s eyes are still shut but his lips have parted just enough to look so so inviting.

But Lance won’t. It’s not an invitation if Keith doesn’t say it is. And even though Lance has had the thoughts, the thoughts he spent so many years pushing down at the sight of those indigo eyes, acting on them beyond the touches Keith had already asked for was not on the agenda.

 So as much as those lips may have said to him, Lance steadfastly refused.

Or at least...conditionally refused.

Because he truly can’t help softly placing his hand on Keith’s cheek, his thumb sliding gently over his bottom lip, feeling the change in texture. Keith let him touch like this, so this much was fine.

If anyone were to walk in it would not be fine anymore, but thankfully most of the castle inhabitants had retired to their own chambers for the evening. They should be okay. Lance should be okay to fawn over the man who did such things to his heart…

 Not those feelings. Don’t think about those feelings.

 As Lance resigns himself, pulling his hand away, Keith opens his eyes.

Once again, his throat is dry when he tries to say his name so it’s inaudible, but Lance is starting to memorize the motion; the shape his lips make around his name, he loves it.

A tiny sliver of pink tongue slides over Keith’s lips and Lance prides himself in not freezing up over it, “Morning, Samurai.”

“Morning— it’s not, is it?” Keith mumbles out, his voice returning groggily.

Lance kneels down in front of the couch and smiles cheekily, “Nah, you’re just the loser who passed out during the Altean equivalent of the parent trap. You should probably find your own bed before it is morning though.”

Keith mumbles something inaudible then, Lance watches his lips move with a quirked eyebrow but can’t catch it, whatever it is, it isn’t his name.

 Keith stretches and sits up, his legs coming down off the couch to land beside Lance’s.

“Uh... were you…?” Keith’s hand is raised as he presses his finger tips to his lips.

Lance feels the heat start to build in his face, but he knows he did nothing wrong, so he says as much, “I didn’t kiss you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

 “R-right…” Keith looks back down.

Lance is silent and considers standing again. At this angle he has a nice view of Keith’s collar peeking out of his shirt and he wants things he knows he still shouldn’t think about.

But then Keith speaks again, “Did you… think about it?”

Lance is quiet.

“...b-because you could… if you wanted to… I wouldn’t be mad…”

Lance is silent because he’s not sure he’s hearing Keith correctly over the pounding of his heart and the blood rushing through his ears.

“W-while you were asleep...?”

Keith’s face lights up red so fast Lance almost can’t stand it. His view of his collar lets him watch the blush disappear into his shirt and god Lance wants to see his bare chest heat up with his face in this way.

He wants…

Keith is staring at the ground and his chest is heaving slightly in his own panic, “I just— I mean— I like waking up to your hands on me it feels really— I’m not trying to be weird or anything it’s just that you— uh...fuck.”

Keith deflated into the couch and Lance can’t help but chuckle even with his own nerves buzzing erratically under his skin, “figured you reacted a little strongly… I don’t mind Keith but shouldn’t a first kiss…” Lance allows himself to trail off because he wants to stick his foot in his mouth at the term.

First kiss.

First as in first of many.

And what was he doing trying to give more meaning to a kiss with a guy who simply had a preference for his hands in his sleep there weren’t any—

“First kiss…?”

Lance feels like he’s vibrating he’s so angry with himself he’s so sure he ruined everything—

“Guess you’re right…” Keith’s voice is suddenly so much steadier. Like logic has finally returned to his sleep hazed mind and he’s ready to clarify for Lance that they’re nothing and should keep it that way.

Except he doesn’t. Instead he leans forward with one carefully placed hand tilting Lance’s face toward him and he lets their lips come together softly. It’s so unlike the red paladin and yet so like him all at once Lance doesn’t know what to do for a long moment. And that long moment takes up all the time of their lips pressed together, and the hesitation clearly weighs on Keith because he already has an apology slipping past his lips and Lance isn’t here for it.

He lurches forward and smashes their lips together, it’s uncoordinated and confusing but Keith melts under him and his mouth opens against Lance’s tongue and suddenly he can taste him. He can taste Keith and he can feel him all around him as his arms wrap around his neck and pull him in closer. Keith’s tongue massages his and wills noises out of Lance he’d never thought he’d make before. It’s exhilarating and mind numbing all at once and Lance may or may not climb onto the couch where they spend the rest of the night tangled together kissing the life out of each other until they both fall asleep.

 And thus, came the shift.

Because when Lance wakes up it’s to Keith’s lips on his neck pressing simple soft kisses. It’s to Keith’s arms around his waist holding him so so close. It’s to the minute rolls of Keith’s hips against his, rubbing their morning wood together in a way that makes Lance’s head spin.

“F-fuck..!” Lance groans and Keith stops instantly like some spell was broken.

“Oh—oh my god Lance I’m so sorry I— “

It’s more of a stretch than anything else but the motion of Lance’s body against Keith’s rubs them together harshly and Keith breathes in rapidly through his nose in a panic.

“This is seriously a thing for you isn’t it…some kind of fetish?” Lance mumbles sleepily, sure to keep his voice as amused as possible, show Keith that he’s not mad.

For added measure he pushes his hips forward just a bit more and watches Keith’s eyes roll back in his head as he tries to chase the feeling, his fingers digging into Lance’s sides as he clings to him.

“L-lance I—”

“It’s either that or you were asleep subconsciously reaching out to me in your dreams, so which—”

The full body blush is back, and Keith’s eyes shut tight and he buries his face into Lance’s chest and Lance honestly can’t believe it.

He can’t believe it he can’t believe it he can’t—

His heart is thumping around so fucking hard.

“W-were you really…”

“I didn’t mean to! You just— I—” his voice is muffled by Lance’s shirt and Lance feels like he is simultaneously dying and thriving all at once.

“Were you dreaming about me…?”

Keith’s lips move but he can’t hear what he says.

An alarm goes off through the castle and the conversation needs to be placed on hold.

—-

Lance almost dies on the mission. They’d passed a planet that was clearly under attack and had suited up to defend it. There were civilian families to protect that weren’t quick enough to find shelter. Maybe Lance should have been more careful.

Still, while he doesn’t need a pod Pidge smacks him over the head the second he emerges from the blue lion.

Shiro says nothing though he looks like he can argue. Hunk pulls him into a full embrace talking very loudly in short phrases that sound like he’s chastising a dog: “don’t you ever do that again!”

Allura breathes a sigh of relief upon seeing him all in one piece, asking him to please be more careful. Coran congratulates him for saving the family but quietly warns him that glory only feels good if you’re alive to feel.

Keith tosses his helmet to the ground sometime between Pidge’s smack and Hunk’s hug, he buries his face in his hands while Allura speaks, and he’s out of the hangar well before Coran is done.

 Lance is fine. Broke a bit of a nervous sweat when that cannon fire was conveniently knocked off course. But he’s fine, the civilians were fine, the Galra retreated and everything was okay.

 He doesn’t see Keith except for a passing glance into the training room as Shiro exits. He considers going inside, asking Keith to talk, either about why he was so upset or maybe even travel back to that nice happy place they’d been while on the couch together. But he decides against it. Keith will come to him when he’s ready, he’s sure of it.

 A few weeks pass. Keith is still receptive to touch. Even occasionally initiates it by brushing their hands together or leaning his head down against his shoulder when no one is looking. But they don’t talk.

 Before they are supposed to go on separate missions, Lance to go find some brilliant prisoner, Keith to find materials for their teluduv, Keith finally pulls him aside.

Or rather, it’s as they’re both exiting their rooms that Keith suddenly gets this light in his eyes and turns, abruptly pushing Lance right back into his room and shutting the door behind him.

 “Uh—yes Kei-mmph!”

Keith’s lips are on his again, and he realizes how much he missed it from the one night that felt so long ago.

But they were supposed to be leaving. They hadn’t even gotten into their armors and Allura was still in a bad mood from having to work with Galra. Hell, finding out Keith was one too still hadn’t blown over.

“Keith—mm—ah!”

Keith walks him right up to the bed and shoves him down, quickly climbing on top of him to straddle his hips and reattach to those lips.

They had to go. He loves every feeling of Keith’s body against his, but they had to go.

He tries to grab him, push him off, but his brain never finishes its command because it got as far as “grab him” and his body refused to let go. His fingers dig into Keith’s hips and it makes him moan into Lance’s mouth in a way that excites Lance way too much.

He lays back, taking Keith with him, enjoying his warmth and his weight as he presses down. Lance isn’t sure what got into him, but he wishes it could have happened sooner, before they’d been assigned these missions they were now probably going to be late for.

“Keith—babe, they’re gonna come looking for us…” Lance finally managed to croak out as Keith moves to his neck. When Keith bites into the juncture at his shoulder and collarbone Lance cries out loudly, eyes rolling back as Keith already massages over the bite with his tongue, his hands tugging at Lance’s pants.

“Doors locked.” Keith explains simply, he bites him again, and Lance can feel himself hardening against all his better judgment.

Keith’s hand undoes his button and zipper and in mere seconds his hand is moving.

Lance is melting and panting and so bloody confused.

“Keith, we haven’t— Keith— hah— Keith seriously!?”

The red Paladin freezes before circling back up to Lance’s face, his eyes are hard, determined, and Lance’s body is suddenly so tightly strung staring into those eyes with his hand on his cock he doesn’t know what to do.

The hand tightens, Lance whimpers, and Keith leans in towards his ear, kissing his earlobe lightly as he says, “I need you to cum for me, Lance.”

Lance breathes deep and Keith’s hand slides up his shaft, only then allowing him to realize Keith isn’t wearing his gloves. Keith’s hands are so soft and smooth, always protected under those tacky things, and they feel so good.

“W-why…?” Lance hazards to say out loud. Keith chuckles in his ear and Lance is positive he felt his dick twitch at the sound.

“Because I need you to know what you’re coming back to… maybe…” his hand slides over his head, smearing precum and making Lance grit his teeth to keep from groaning.

“Maybe knowing will keep you from doing any stupid stunts this time around…”

Keith’s hand is slick as it rubs over his head and up and down his shaft, slowly raising in speed.

“K-Keith you don’t have to— mnn..!— you could have just— hah fuck Keith— it feels…”

Keith shrugged as he slid down Lance’s body, the implication very much clear.

“Sure, I guess with you something simple and cheesy and romantic would have worked… but this is more fun and if I’m being honest, I panicked.” He chuckles again and leans his head down to kiss Lance’s hip.

Lance smacks himself in the forehead, “a panicked hand job, definitely how I wanted us to go.”

“Well I mean,” Keith nuzzles his side and Lance’s breath catches, “Spur of the moment decision Lance, yeah. But… I’m definitely not panicking right now. Should have done this ages ago…”

He turns his head to get right up close and personal with Lance’s member and Lance releases a tiny shriek of embarrassment that quickly shifts into something deeper as Keith’s tongue comes out to press flat over the curve of his dick.

And then Keith is moaning, and Lance is overheating because Keith is so unbelievably hot and his tongue feels so good.

“Keith, please...!”

“You taste great, Lance.” He says it with a smile and Lance can’t fucking breathe!

“Now let me make you cum so you come running right back to me.”

Keith’s lips come down over the head of Lance’s cock and Lance can’t help but buck his hips.

“Really—really couldn’t just— SAY—Nnn! Keith...!”

His mouth was hot, really hot, like warm hot not sexy hot but also sexy hot and Jesus— Jesus did Lance mention he’d never gotten a blow job before?

Like there’s been some hand stuff and some like. Cuddling that got a little heated before (hell, that time on the couch wasn’t that long ago was it?)

But Keith coming at him like this— too much too much too—

“Keith— f-ahh— “

Keith’s hand moved down under his shaft to massage his balls as he increased his speed, spit trailing down to make everything feel way too—

“Hnn! C-cuming! I’m cumming! Keith you have to— “

Keith sucks harder and his tongue swirls around his head and Lance looks down just in time to see his smirk.

He has just enough time to think, “sexy fucker.” Before whiting out.

By the time he comes back to his senses Keith has white seeping out of the corner of his lips and he is still sucking and massaging his cock, like he wants every last drop of his cum and Lance feels his soul ascending.

Only to plummet back down as someone bangs on the door, “Lance! What are you doing in there?! The door is locked! You best get your butt down to the hangar in the next five dobashes or so help me!”

The voice sounds further away toward the end, to the point they can barely make out Allura’s going: “and where the quiznak is KEITH?!”

 Keith finally lifts up, visibly swallows and licks his lips.

“Alright. Now you can go on your mission… knowing you have to come back and return the favor, or you’ll be officially labeled a selfish lover.”

Keith hops off the bed like he isn’t ignoring his own erection pushing on his leggings and Lance is dumbfounded.

“S-self—selfish?!”

Keith chuckles while Lance pulls up his pants, “I’ll have you know if we had more time I’d— “

“You’ll just have to show me when we get back.” Keith scoops his gloves up off the floor where he’d apparently tossed them at some point.

“For the love of god, Keith, what even brought this on?!”

Keith pauses at the door, sighs deeply, and turns back around.

“I was mad. I was really mad. That I’d finally gotten up the nerve to kiss you and I almost lost you the next fucking morning. So. I was mad. And I decided I didn’t want to—to... but now… I’m a freaking Galra, Lance. And we’re fighting a war. And I’m not— we’re not… maybe we don’t have a lot of time and I was wasting it by being... angry.”

He walks back up to Lance and kisses him so hard he ends up on his back again. Lance nearly chokes because he doesn’t have the chance to catch his breath and he refuses to be the one to pull away.

It makes his moan come out faster, louder, a little more desperate and maybe Keith hears it and worries because he pulls off then. He kisses Lance’s cheeks and his nose while he catches his breath and he breathe in too.

“Bonus, I really, really wanted to kiss you. And I wasn’t going to wait another minute to do it.”

Lance feels his chest swell a little at that, having gotten enough breath in his lungs he grabs Keith by the back of the neck and pulls him in for another kiss.

It’s quicker, and softer. Lance has the moment to register his own taste on Keith’s tongue before he remembers Allura’s warning.

“I still think you’re nuts. Who jumps straight to blowjobs— “

Keith huffs another laugh. “Who cums after like five minutes— “

“YOU SIR do not get to judge me! You pounced on me! I was not prepared!” Lance kisses him again before he can rebuttal and when Keith is sighing, his lips looking soft and wet and bruised and perfect, he rolls his eyes and grazes his hand over his cheek.

“You wait though. I have to prove myself when we get back now. Cause you’re freaking nuts.”

Keith laughs so hard he’s still chuckling when his suit is on.

It takes a dark look from Allura for him to stop. Lance doesn’t like it. So, he suggests a kiss for luck, realizes that he and Keith haven’t exactly gone public yet and immediately turns to Allura because— well no one would think that was weird right?

He was protecting Keith’s privacy!

It was a joke!

He didn’t think she’d actually do it—

The minor heart attack he had when he felt something against his lips that was so very not Keith should have been punishment enough. Finding out it was a mouse?? Even worse!

 But ya know. Go figure, you get a blowjob from the guy you’re kind of falling in love with and then joke about kissing a girl in front of him— yeah okay he probably deserves Keith’s fury when they return to their rooms after the mission. When Keith keeps his head lowered and tries to keep a pace ahead of him at all times, make it to his room first.

And when he does and Lance reaches out to brush the small of his back, test the waters, he feels Keith pull away for the first time since it all started, and his door shuts behind him.

So yeah. Yeah okay he deserved that.

—

 It’s also why later that evening comes as such a shock.

He hadn’t had the energy to go through his usual skin care routine. Struggling against the obsessive thoughts to let himself into Keith’s room and curl up beside him, explain what had happened in his ridiculous brain to think that was a good idea. Not even to make good on their little agreement he just wanted to forget how awful it felt to watch him pull away!

And Keith didn’t want to waste time being angry. He’s just said that. He’d just said that!

And then Lance had to go and make him angry.

Stupid.

Stupid.

He should get out of bed right this second and apologize. Keith would forgive him once he understood, once he knew Lance was serious and absolutely wasn’t taking advantage of him— which. Should probably mean Lance shouldn’t let himself into Keith’s room while he’s asleep. Because Keith is so soft when he sleeps and they both know how he is and—

Okay new plan. Getting up early, waiting patiently outside Keith’s door for the red Paladin to come out for his morning training, and then apologizing. With everyone fully awake and not inclined to be distracted.

Yeah.

Solid plan.

 When it feels like he’s just finally gotten to sleep, having been anxious and worried all night, something warm comes to lean against his side.

He’s tired, and it’s comfortable, and he doesn’t know if he slept through his door opening and closing or if the presence just materialized out of thin air, but he isn’t complaining.

He thinks he may have mumbled Keith’s name.

He probably did.

He knows he did. Because he knows it’s Keith’s face pressing into his neck and breathing him in. He knows its Keith’s hair brushing his cheeks and he knows it’s his hands pulling him close.

 Lance softly wraps the arm not bound by the covers and Keith’s weight around him, still a little apprehensive that he might pull away again. That this might actually be a dream and it’ll all go away when he opens his eyes.

He doesn’t risk it, but the pressure remains.

“Goodnight…” Keith mumbles finally, he sounds put out, like he’d struggled to come to this conclusion, but Lance doesn’t mind.

Just whispers his name again with a contented sigh and kisses the top of his head.

 In the morning, when Keith wakes up first with an angry little growl and straddles Lance’s waist to ask what the fuck he was thinking Lance does his best to keep his brain on track.

And when Keith inevitably accepts his groveling and kisses him softly, (“this one’s actually for luck.”) Lance feels all the tension ease from his bones before flipping Keith onto his back and cuddling into him.

“And whenever you wanna collect on your side of things just uh. You let me know, yeah, babe?”