#tomyrapists

Im not a good person. But I am not a bad person. Why did you rape me? I trusted you. I loved you. I cared for you. You broke that for a minute of self service. With no remorse, it is only me left with all these emotions now. I am dealing with these alone. I have no one to talk to. I am trapped. How can I hurt others by telling them what happened? How could you hurt me by doing what you did. That is not love. That is fear, hatred, desperation that you violated me with. And now I am alone with my feelings even years later. I still try to wrap my head around what you did. I am so mad. I am so hurt. I did not deserve this. I absofuckinglutely hate you. and I am trying to forgive you at the same time for leaving me with all this despair. 

Today, as I panicked and needed to find something to hold onto I counted the number of days I've survived since being gang raped. 591. I've spent 591 days trying to get their stench off of me. 591 days getting their taste out of my mouth. 591 days of nightmares and flashbacks. 591 days of feeling used and dirty and helpless. 591 days of heartache. 591 days of wishing I could go back and make a different choice. But maybe it's also been 591 days of empowerment. 591 days of strength. 591 days of "in your face, I win" Because I never gave up. Even when I wanted to. Even with severe PTSD that could probably put me on SS disability I bust my butt day in and day out to make a life for myself. To become the strong, independent, amazing woman I was becoming before you tried to take it all away from me. It's been 591 days of me winning. Even the days I'm not feeling like a winner.