Honesty

I think it started with clarity and ended in despair.

I realized at one point that I wasn't a bad gf but I wasn't a good gf either. I was needy amd clingy and so dependent. I could also be controlling and I hated that about myself. I loved you so much that I felt like I didn't deserve you. I felt like I needed space to become a better person before I was worthy of you because i had so many flaws. I loved you so much but I also believed you deserved a love more pure than what i was giving you at the time. I truly believed I didn't deserve you. So I asked for a break. And everything went to shit.

When you followed me to college and stayed at my parents house without my knowledge you started to scare me.

I never cheated on you. But I understand why you thought I did. I was scared and was looking for people I felt safe with. and in that moment, it wasn't with you. I knew how dangerous you were at the time, so I was constantly making plans with whoever was available so that I could feel safe in numbers. But you listened to the words my parents shared with you, when they only made assumptions. They did not know what was happening. I would never confide in them about what was really going on.

Then came the threats and the name calling. And I knew no matter what I said in that moment, you would not hear it. You would not understand. And I don't know what I could have done in that moment to help us reach an understanding. I was scared because I knew you so well. You were my other half.

And that week ended with you raping me in my parents home. And I loved you so much I felt like my entire world was shattered. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do or say except to lay there. Even after it was done and you asked me to beg you to stay. I was too scared. I was too broken. I was frozen and couldn't say a word. And you didn't use a condom. And I loved you but I did not want to have a baby from a night of terror. I was absolutely ruined that day.

We would not have had such a big misunderstanding if I had faced you head on instead of avoiding you in fear. I'm sorry I ever made you feel such a heartbreak.

Thus, our happy story ended in tragedy. I can understand what happened. And why it happened now. After replaying it millions of times in my head. I never understood why I couldn't say anything at the time or why I didn't stop you before. And it crushed my heart. But laying it out here helps bring me some closure.

I still remember the happy times with you, I'm glad I got a few short and happy years with you before our sad ending. Thank you for treating me so well before our relationship ended. That was true love. I'm sorry I broke your heart.

Im still dealing with the heartbreak now. Im still dealing with the repurcussions. And its not from this incident alone. Ive been raped by a friend, a cousin, and a lover.

I still have trust issues. I'm still scared to make friends and meet new people. I sometimes feel repulsed when people i love touch me. I sometimes get nightmares. I still cry. I still have thoughts of suicide. I have very low self esteem now.

But I'm doing my best everyday. I'm conscious of my suicidal thoughts. I know not to engage them. I'm conscious of my pain. And I know this too will pass as it ebbs and flows. I'm trying my best to live a good life but I'm always scared to make new friends. Always. I'm always scared when someone confesses that they like me. It always scares me. Always.

Im always scared that history will repeat itself with my current relationship. I'm always doubting the love I have for others. I'm always fighting thoughts that I'm not good enough. I'm scared to be alone but I wonder if it's better for society if I am alone.

I don't want to ruin another life because of my inaction. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And even to this day, I know you still hate me for something I never did. And I'm still dealing with the conflicting emotions of feeling such a hatred for something I never did. I feel so much regret because of my inaction.

But now you look happy. Everyone says that youre happy now. Thank god. I just wanted you to be happy in this lifetime and the next. I hope you are deeply loved.

I'm trying my best everyday. Its hard to be myself around others but I'm trying to. I just have to deal with these emotions. So many emotions. Sadness, depression. Pain. Melancholy. Regret. Terror. Betrayal. So many emotions that I need to process. It is a lifelong journey.

It takes a conscious and subconscious effort to not visualize my death.

Every day I will need to pick up the pieces and stitch myself back together for every fresh moment of regret for as long as it takes to be okay. And I have to be okay with doing that.

Does it hurt more than being raped by a friend?

Does it hurt more than being raped by a cousin?

Does it hurt more than being cheated on?

Does it hurt more than betraying the love of your life? And his entire family?

Does it hurt more than being raped by the love of your life after destroying his trust?

I guess these are the questions you ask yourself when you are harboring deep emotions of shame and guilt. And the deep fundamental belief that you dont deserve to be happy.

Even after all these years.