#tom-failure

Honestly, I still need to talk about Fugo’s family because g o d I could write a soap opera with them. Murder, cheating, abuse, blood fortunes- it’s the whole nine yards, there’s a reason Fugo hates his family so much. A lot of reasons in fact, which is actually the reason he still uses their name in a rather roundabout way, but more on that later. I did try and write my own thing, even if I’ve taken a lot of inspiration from Purple Haze Feedback. So props where it’s due.

Ada Fugo was Panni’s grandma, ‘Nonna Ada’ he’d often called her when she was alive, even though he didn’t know his maternal grandmother enough to ever need to differentiate them (he barely knew his mother’s family at all, but they’re yet another topic for yet another time).

Ada... never held any love for her husband, it wasn’t a marriage either of them held any interest in. It happened because it had to, and neither of them could just leave. For further reference, Panni’s grandpa is named Fredo, because I forgot to put that before now as I’m bad at ordering thoughts.

Fredo is... a very controlling fellow. And just like he later ended up doing with Panni’s Mother, he took much of his son’s care into his own hands. He quite literally turned their son against his own mother, and if that doesn’t tell you the sort of relationship Panni’s grandparents had I don’t know what will. The Fugo family is b a d.

And... Even still, Ada really did love her family to the best of her ability, as much as her husband would ever let her. But just like Fredo didn’t let Panni’s mother be close to anyone, he didn’t let Ada be close to anyone. Which is terrible, because you have no idea how much Ada wanted to help that woman but that’s yet another topic for another time.

Pannacotta was the only person Ada ever managed to be close to. Fredo almost kept her away from him, but this time she finally put her foot down. She couldn’t be close to her other two grandsons, she couldn’t be close to her own son or daughter-in-law. She wasn’t letting her husband take this one away, too.

Panni knew from minute one he was a tool to his family. In the end, everything Fredo ever did backfired when Panni was born. He knew what Fredo wanted from him. He could never be close to his mother because of the abuse she’d been put through by Fredo and his Father was no different than Fredo himself. His brothers were angry and took everything out on him. 

The minute Ada reached out to him, Pannacotta took that. She was the only person who didn’t hate him or use him. Ada honest to god just wanted to make him happy. After years of not being able to love her family, this was her chance. She gave him all the love she was never able to give to anyone else, and that just. Worked.

Panni was still a product of all Fredo’s manipulations and abuse, so much of his behavior can be linked back to that, but Ada kept him from sinking as low as the rest of the Fugo boys had. And even with all his shitty habits. She’s the reason he’ll still apologize when he does something shitty, she’s the reason he so strives to be. At least a decent person. Within reason. He was willing to leave Trish for dead after all

Probably wouldn’t do the same post-vento aureo, but. Not the point. 

Pannacotta has always been the way he is, personality wise he hasn’t changed at all in sixteen years. The biggest change was how much angrier he was after Ada died. As a child Panni was just... quiet. Calm. That’s what his Father and Grandfather expected of him. He’s supposed to be well behaved and do his work and not complain.

Another thing that was always there was his anxiety. And really, what would you expect. He spent every waking moment studying something. Until he met Bruno he’d never spent a moment not at a piano, not painting or doing math or studying history or something. Unless he was sleeping or having a meal every second of everyday was spent becoming what was expected of him.

Which... is probably another reason he liked Ada so much. Because Ada was trying to break away from what was expected of her. Just a little bit too late, but it was better late than never. 

1. having panic attacks in public

it happened once and its just. hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. panic attacks are already a nasty thing on their own, but have one happen in front of people im not friends/family with?? i cant really talk in this state, or rather, its just hard to understand what im saying, so i cant tell them that im ok and i just need to be left alone IN SILENCE so i can spiral back to my normal self. i dunno, it doesnt sound like much, but its. Not Exactly Pleasant.

2. losing friends

that one's pretty common, im sure. i mean either im gonna say/do something that hurts their feelings, or theyre gonna stab me in the back and act like nothing happened. weird. but it happens

3. change

literally any sort of change. basically, the mere thought that something might be happening for the last time and after that theres no way to bring it back? its giving me chills, the bad kind of chills

4. making a bad first impression

you know how sometimes first impression shapes someone's opinion on you? lets cancel that

5. fav shows/game series coming to an end

i know this doesnt sound serious but??? hhhhh???