#toastman

This year has been hell to say the least; losing so many loved ones, My grandfather (whome we haven't gotten along with for years .. but it still sucks in all honesty, putting it lightly.) is pretty much passing from Cancer since it's stage 4 and the chemo didn't work. Saving details, things look grim.

With all of this, my deepest sadness, Mr.Toastman was found in his forever sleep 💔💔💔💔(There isn't an "emoji" that even comes close.) just 2 days after Beauty passed away.. 💔💔💔💔 We had no idea and it was out of nowhere. He was literally normal (had some seasonal allergies as he does around this time. He literally ate his crunchies and everything in the early morning and then.. my dad saw him in his favorite box by his clean humidifier just sleeping 😌. I don't understand,none of us do. Saving All the deep sads I just .. It's been hard. All our other kitties are okay (I hope, I swear to God, I feel like I don't know anything anymore honestly) he's such a young boy and he should STILL be here, like everyone else.

The pain I feel is unexplainable. I try to put out my best I can and be the best I can. I'm just trying to be for my kitties & loved ones who are pure energy and those of us whome the energy forever surrounds. I'm trying. I still love everyone even when it hurts because I know it's worth it. You never know when life will take those you love and turn them into pure energy so always give hugs, never say goodbye, and love like you wish you would have but 100x more.

Our fur babies are here for such a short time and we're beyond "lucky", "blessed", (or any other gracious word) to get the chance and the ability to be on this Earth, in this life, the same existence as pure perfection as they are. Sincerely, I will always love unconditionally every single baby of mine and all those around. I'm lost for proper words and I hate that my brain normally won't work right but ESPECIALLY while distraught.

Point being, I'm lost. I just hope all the energy is going in the right place. If time is truly linear then it's waiting for us in its own time. I'm just trying to do the right things in this moment. What is a moment if it's all a 'string' anyways? I'm sure I sound insane by this point. And who knows? Maybe I am lol. 😮‍💨🤷🏻‍♀️

After everything, I'm sure anyone would be a little 'off' to say the least. I'm off because I'm missing so much love in my actual physical presence. I'll lean on my family as I always do.. but I am honest with you guys. It's hard, I'm trying, I'm still attempting to keep things RELATIVELY 'light' there just a whole lot of rain 🌧️ this year.

I don't know what else to say, just lost. But yea I'll try to normal soon. May all your flowers bloom and wishes come true.. May your night skies be guided by the cosmic lighthouse of your souls. I'll try to always keep my light on for you guys. I don't stop loving and I choose love. I can feel all my loved ones still. I don't know if heaven is real but these moments on earth where we feel the eternity of happiness from a touch, pur, or just a legitimate knowing means so much more to me than anything I could ever think I could hope for. I'm truly thankful for every second I've had with those I love. I stay for the love and I hope I give as much love as I feel.

If you need love right now I sincerely mean this hug 🫂 *HUG* and not just now; ALWAYS & forever.

As the future gets harder and easier at times, know that I'll always carry all my love with me and try to live in the meat suit for those whome can't. I don't have the right words. But I mean it all. 😔 I can't hear my own thoughts unless I'm saying them actively outloud or typing them directly now.. so if this comes out odd (it's how my brain works now and I don't mean to be weird. Like I said before, I tried getting help neurologically. It's not a psychological issue that's causing all of these physiological issues. If I could talk it out, I would've by now lol.. I wish I could be better and Im sorry I'm this way now but I am who I am.. it's my truth now and I guess it is what it is and I understand even when I don't. Ya know? Basically what I'm saying is it's okay.. Even though everything stays feeling/seeming like it's completely not.)

I'll probably have more positive stuff to say in the future but yeah just figured I'd drop the truth. Believe it or not, this is actually more concise than what it would have been a week ago.

Long story long .. I miss you Toastman you're gone too soon but I feel you all around and love you too. Thanks for reading and sorry if this made anyone sad. It's okay to be yourself and honesty isn't always pretty or happy but it's respectful to yourself and everyone else.