#ticcer

People think Tourette syndrome is just annoying uncontrollable movements and sounds, but really its having Tourettic OCD so severe that you cannot dress yourself or use the toilet. Its having sensory issues that make every texture or loud noise feel like nails on a chalkboard, so much that you can’t brush your teeth and just wearing jeans and a jumper can make you feel sick. It’s ticcing so severely that you can’t do the buttons of your shirt up and can’t use a laptop without smashing it. It’s not being able to use a computer because your OCD makes you scroll up and down 300 times on every webpage before you can click on anything. It is separation anxiety so severe that you cannot sleep in a room on your own and going to school makes your heart race. It’s OCD rituals that take hours and make you late to school and appointments. It’s doctors not believing you and saying that all your symptoms are caused by Autism and blaming you and your parents for your difficulties. It’s your hand seizing up when you write. It’s not being able to write because you are ticcing so much. Its teachers telling you o put more effort into your work , even though your tics are making you repeatedly bang your head on the desk. It’s being sent out of class for somethings that’s completely out of your control. It’s anxiety and panic attacks that make you feel feeble. It’s lying on the floor screaming at 3AM because you just want it to end. It’s mothers who mourn for the child they’ve lost because their child is not the same.  Its facing discrimination in public and people making nasty comments. It’s being bullied wherever you go in public. It’s dissociating due to the stress of it all. It’s side effects of medication. It’s rage attacks that make you burst with anger and can make you a danger to yourself or others. It’s constantly being distracted in class because you can’t concentrate and your grades plummet. Its feeling the immense pressure in your chest and throat from suppressing vocal tics . Its self doubt and that little voice in your head telling you that you’re “Faking it”. It’s having v*miting tics that keep you home from school and having bladder tics that force you to wear adult diapers. It’s having tic attacks that are tiring and painful and make you overheat. It’s having stomach tensing tics that cause extreme pain. Its having Phantom tics where you can feel the premonitory urge on objects and other people. It’s terrifying mental tics and intrusive thoughts that make you want to scream.

This is a poem about how I feel becoming a wheelchair user and what my wheelchair means to me versus what others feel and have said. It is also about why a wheelchair offers me freedom and what it can help prevent.

You’re my freedom But others don’t see it that way You’re my freedom But others think of you as a restriction.

You’re my freedom But others only see what I now can’t do You’re my freedom But others don’t see the benefits.

You’re my freedom: less cuts and bruises. You’re my freedom: less falls.

You’re my freedom: I can leave my flat. You’re my freedom: less broken bones.

You’re my freedom But others see you as a negative You’re my freedom But others think you have destroyed my life.

You’re my freedom But for others you’re an embarrassment You’re my freedom But others want you gone, openly tell me so.

You’re my freedom: less head injuries. You’re my freedom: less pain and danger.

You’re my freedom My reason for less exhaustion. You’re my freedom My reason I don’t get stuck in public and have to crawl.

Yes, I can’t hike up a mountain, But without you I’d be stuck indoors. I know you’re not restricting me. Without you, I’m restricted so much more.

And no, I’ve not given in! I’ve done the opposite by accepting you’re my freedom.

It’s not my fault the world isn’t designed for you. That ramps and lifts might not be there. That dropped kerbs are often blocked. That places are often too narrow.