#thxgiving

On the one hand, I’ve always celebrated with my fam, and it’s one of my dearest wishes that we could all pls just get tf along. And we may spend it with my grandparents this year bc my grandma is sick + everyone adores my apple pie and if I left, that would lead to several questions amongst them that nobody wants to have to answer. I already know I’d miss my family terribly and I might become depressed if I were to leave them behind.

On the other hand, the same time last year was a Fucking Nightmare bc on top of my cat dying, my mom decided turkey week is the perfect time to announce her desire for a divorce, which led to my dad having a crisis, thxgiving being Strained As Shit, and me actually driving back to school the day immediately after (and sometime later having a mental breakdown). Whenever I even think about November in general now or anything associated with it, my stomach sinks and I feel sick. If I leave, I’d be getting myself away from a surefire paralyzing anxiety situation and spending it with friends who I’ve always wanted to make food for.

My parents are really trying to make the situation better with therapy and being more open and honest with each other, but the pain is still there in my mind. And there’s this malicious, petty piece of me that wants them to hurt if I do decide to head out on the week of.

Am I a bad person for this?

If I leave, theyd be left to their own devices and probably be awkward around each other, but if I stay, I’d be constantly waiting for some brand new Bad News Bomb to drop. Either way, I’d likely start drinking a ton to try and numb my emotions.

I don’t want to think about this but it’s late rn and I’m acutely aware of the passage of time