#thps

I recently wrote a ranking list of which Octopath Traveler II party members would make sick-ass secret characters in Tony Hawk Pro Skater. As I just beat Final Fantasy VI for the second time (my first playthrough being well over a decade ago), I thought it might be to the benefit of all mankind that I write the same list, but for these characters.

Oddly enough, I think this one has a lot of tougher calls, but someone has to do it. These choices are mostly on vibes alone, and for the record, I love every character in this game. I just think some of them would make particularly dope skaters - so just like with the other list, feel free to agree or disagree.

14. Umaro

Skating as Bigfoot is not unprecedented for the Tony Hawk's series. However, Umaro would not be a secret skater. Umaro would be one of those weird-ass, Tony Hawk deeplore secrets that you only learn about from watching a 2-hour long THPS YouTube iceberg list. Or, better yet, he'd be one of those playground rumors your friends tell you about, like 'you have to grind the entire bowl in Canada, no cheats enabled, and if you nail it just right then Umaro bursts out of a mountainside cave where you can also see the bones of Eric Sparrow'. Then again, I can just as easily see them making him an unlockable skater after unraveling his esoteric shredlore, so I'm putting him here on a technicality due to an abundance of yeti-and-or-yeti-adjacent representation.

13. Cyan Garamond

I actually don't think Cyan would disrespect skateboarding, I just think he'd encourage his party pals to shred before ever getting on a board himself. Doma's reconstruction efforts might even include a skate park so that Gau has a place to play that isn't filled with monsters. He'd certainly respect the sheer skill that goes into shredding, I just think he's just good at picking his lane (Bushido) and sticks to it. It's also hard to ollie while dual-wielding kazekiri blades, don't ask me how I know.

12. Celes Chere

Controversial to put her so low, I know, but hear me out: she can shred, I know deep down she could do it if she tried. She may be proficient in both magic and physical attacks, but I just don't see Celes wanting to skate. She's basically forced into being an opera singer - a kickass one, as it were - so I know that if she was really needled into doing it, she'd be able to nail that 99.9 score on Marseilles. But therein lies the problem, I think she'd be too annoyed watching Locke eat shit one too many times while trying to kickflip to ever get on a board herself. Celes can certainly survive a spill, at least.

11. Sabin Rene Figaro

He's athletic. He's awesome. He'd come out the gate with a Doom Train deck. But I'm not sure if Sabin has the patience for flatland tricks - not without kicking his way through the deck. The amount of boards this man would snap would set new martial arts records. Sabin would still gladly help build all of the skateparks around the World of Ruin and I think he would have something of an eye for good gaps, but he's kind of like Cyan. He's got his sport, he's great at it, he just knows where his strength lies... literally.

10. Shadow

Oh, he'd be in the game, alright. We all know Shadow would look SO dope on a skateboard. He would have incredible moves. But he would be so goddamn annoying to unlock that nobody would even know he exists. You would have to straight up get every single goal on every single map, including the secret ones, and get every single skater to max stats. Plus, would he really want to skate? I feel like he'd be doing it out of sheer spite. He would, at least, come with a sick-ass board with Interceptor as its design. On one hand, it's extremely easy to picture him doing a 360-melon over the fountain in Minneapolis, on the other hand, you know that sickness comes at the cost of your soul, handed over to Tony Hawk himself, who chuckles while sipping it out of a Big Gulp cup.

9. Strago Magus

A man who can literally mimic any monster's move would be an absolute beast on a skateboard, he'd likely have all of his Special Move slots unlocked right out the gate. The question of whether or not he'd want to skate is up in the air, though. He's shown as kind of clumsy, but his background as a younger guy shows him as pretty ballsy, so it's probably just an age thing. But we're not ageist here. If Tony Hawk has proven anything, it's that you can really put yourself through the wringer and come out on the other end. He would, however, wear a helmet and kneepads, and I don't know why it's so easy for me to picture Strago in that.

8. Terra Branford

Here we start seeing characters that I think would thrive in THPS. Terra busting out moves that show off her Esper look would be the sickest thing imaginable. She's already seen floating around a lot in games like Dissidia so you know her hangtime stat is straight blasted out. But would she actually enjoy skateboarding? Probably. She'd see how much it impresses the kids in Mobliz and would try her best to give them a good show. Plus, I'm not even sure what exactly she'd be doing with herself after restoring balance to the world, so she might as well be learning how to balance herself on a skateboard.

7. Edgar Roni Figaro

If Benjamin Franklin can be a secret skater, than politics are not off the table and Edgar being a king does not disqualify him from the X Games. He's known to have a knack with machines, so I feel like he'd take well to skating. He would absolutely see the whole culture as incentive to get more ladies, and he would not be wrong at all. He would get them... including the demoness from THPS3. He would use his kingdom's spoils of war to turn Kefka's Tower into the sickest skatepark known to man. I feel like he would get a particular sense of satisfaction out of nailing a nollie over the Warring Triad, too.

6. Setzer Gabbiani

If he can convert the Blackjack to a flying casino, than he can absolutely convert the Falcon into a flying skatepark... though, only if he thinks Darill would approve. No, he'd probably just make an entirely new airship, which would basically be the THPS 3 cruise ship, but you know. In the air. He would have all the most stereotypical gambling-themed designs for his boards and special moves. Plus, you just know that handsome mug is not afraid of bailing. Fearless. This is a man who knows how to have fun, but knows how to get shit done when it gets down to it. His whole ethos feels very skater coded.

5. Relm Arrowny

Simply put, she's got the right energy for it. She's like a couple other characters who would take to skating so naturally, on the virtue of her in-game moveset/gimmick. Except being an actual child with actual-child-energy levels would mean she could go far, if she got into it. All of her decks would be her own artwork, or it would be fan FFVI fan art submitted to the devs for some kind of contest. And would her skating antics around Thamasa piss Strago off? Yes. And that makes it even more fitting.

4. Gogo

Gogo can learn literally anything, instantaneously. He would be able to learn absolutely any skate move, any special move, and he would have perfectly balanced stats to fit that mold. Every one of his boards would just be pixel art of the other characters. He's so strange, his lore is so vague and bizarre that his entire existence is already just 'secret character'. His inclusion as a THPS secret character would be one big meta gag, which is so fitting for a game that is fond of shitpost humor. For me, it's really easy to picture him and his I-don't-match-like-Caillou-outfit fluttering around while hitting a cannonball 720 off of the first gap on School 1.

3. Locke Cole

Locke just looks like he was made in a lab to be the Tony-Hawk-Final-Fantasy-Crossover guy. On pure vibes alone, this guy just fits in seamlessly with a skating game. If you put him on the original THPS roster and let people play as him, they'd never bat an eye, they'd just assume he's some skateboarder they've never heard of. He's a thief. He's a rebel. He's absolutely tearing up Vector the first chance he gets. He'd have the craziest speed stat and definitely more than enough balance to prove himself as the best street skater on the roster. Bonus points for having a Phoenix/Rachel themed board.

2. Mog

Marketable plushies, ahoy - if SquareEnix was going to needlessly foist any character into a Tony Hawk game, you just know it would be a moogle (or Cloud Strife). Mog's moveset has him adapting to actual landscapes, so he'd take really well to any park, whether street or vert. He's quite possibly the best Dragoon in the game if you equip him with the right gear, so you know that airtime is insane. Plus, just think of those little wings wiggling around whenever he's doing grab moves. He loves breaking the fourth wall. His energy is as goofy as his board stance, he's almost the perfect secret skater from this game.... almost.

1. Gau

You can literally throw this kid to the wolves, and he comes back knowing their deepest secrets. Throw Gau at Tony Hawk? He'll be pulling off 900s in his sleep. He's like Strago and Gogo, but with way more Bart Simpson energy, and no, I don't know how to explain that. It's probably the hair (which just screams 1994-era skateboarder). Put Gau in absolutely any skatepark, next to any pro, and he'll be copping their moves instantly. He's got complete over-caffeinated-on-Red Bull-energy. He's tough as nails and has the highest potential for sick moves out of anyone in the cast. And all those monster-themed boards - Chocobo, Behemoth, Stray Cat... need I say more?

And there you have it, a list of which characters from Final Fantasy VI would survive and thrive in the stark aftermath of the Tony Hawk World of Ruin. I'm going to let all of you decide where Kefka might fit on this list.