#things rn

so finals are next week. there’s a decent chance i’ll fail organic chem but that’s fine. it might get me kicked out of honors but that’s fine too. i’m drowning under work and study but i’m able to breathe for now.

i’m dissociating a. lot. i ended up going to the wrong place for my french oral and had a panic attack, had to call my dad to get me and drive me back to the house because i probably would have gone off the road if i’d tried to drive home. i changed meds recently to venlafaxine from lexapro, dunno if my downswing is because of that or nah.

my apartment in hattiesburg is bare and dark. i stare at the walls a lot. there’s little to distract me, especially because i don’t have the money to drive places. my new laptop doesn’t want to work with my ethernet cable so i don’t have internet there except for my smartphone. and it becomes acutely clear how messed up things are for me when my only interaction with the world is through a screen no bigger than my hand.

i have severe anxiety and depression. i likely have bpd developing from my recent isolation and my lifelong asperger’s. i’m seeing things that aren’t there and i haven’t been consistently happy in two years. i find myself walking into traffic and willing someone to hit me. i’m very close to completely shutting down and being unable to physically care for myself.