#theparents

My useless gay ass: yes Aphrodite

September 17, 2022

It's been about nine months since I let my parents in, about my sexuality, and yesterday over our semi-weekly phone call it was the first time we were able to talk about it face-to-face (and not over text). I want to preserve in this journal as much as I remember, because it felt like an important breakthrough or development for the both of us.

For the first 20 or so minutes the call was pretty bland, and as usual we talked about life in general. We did, in the beginning, allude to the fact that Martin would be joining me in Singapore for the December visit, and we had come to the arrangement, however uneasy, that they would like for me to stay home for about 1-2 week(s) before spending the rest of the time with him. It was roughly the same conclusion over text, after I had told mom about my plan, and not much was added to that.

All of a sudden, I felt an urge to move the conversation ahead. Not in search of something spectacular, but I knew I had not been looking forward to the call + making arrangements for this trip back to Singapore has felt strangely stressful, and I didn't like that feeling of uncertainty. And so when they asked if I had anything else I wanted to share, I asked point blank if it was the case that they did not want to hear anything about my personal or private life at all (i.e., about Martin).

To say that I was surprised by the next 40 or so minutes would be an understatement, but I wanted to summarise the gist of that portion:

1. They were very upset last December when they got the text from me. My mom in particular had a huge cry about it, trying to make sense of why and how, but she also said last night that she's done crying that one time, that she's drawn a line in the sand.

2. They say they still find it difficult to share this development with those around them. From what I infer I don't think they've fully "accepted" my sexuality, though at the same time what they really want for me is to be happy and to still have them be a part of my life. What she shared, and what I found too to be reasonable (especially given the nine-month time-frame), is that they haven't figured a way to communicate the news with their friends, relatives, neighbours, and everyone else, and that that would take time.

3. Another thing with which I agreed and found to be reasonable was that, in the past 4-5 years since I've moved to the US, even though I have these regular calls with my parents, every week, they don't always go into great detail. Sure, part of it related to my sexuality and uncertainty over how they may react, but my mom said that if I do not share about my own life, the things and work I've been doing, different vicissitudes, how can they grow to learn and maybe even accept over time? I was always prickly when mom asked about my finances and salary and savings, but she shared that she never cared for the specifics or for me to provide for them, and was just a way to get more details about what I was doing.

4. And so, in addition to un-archiving them from my WhatsApp chats, I feel like one thing I could do is to share more about my personal life (in fact, she made the point that because we have a private family chat, anything that is shared there would be for their personal consumption and knowledge). Little things like the dishes I cook, the goods I bake, the things I do in school and at the office. These are little, little things about my day-to-day life that I have no problem sharing, and over time as I gain a little more confidence and comfort vis-à-vis them I would love to share about Martin too.

5. On Martin too, she said explicitly that she would like an emergency contact just in case something happens to me or if she can't reach me. So I've shared Martin's WhatsApp number with her. Funnily enough when I was going through my dental shenanigans Martin was then my emergency health contact, so baby steps, but important nonetheless.