#lesbeans

You watch with a triumphant smile as Sam breaks off a square of her peanut butter filled chocolate to pop the piece into your mouth. In gratitude you embrace her hug, squeezing her intertwined hands making her chuckle again.

You and Sam were having a nice unnecessary shopping trip to the mall. You had several bags in your hands with things that reminded you of each other to put in your respective apartments. You two weren’t living together yet because you two didn’t think the relationship was advanced enough to live in the same place, even though you’d been together for a while.

Sam carried most of the bags in his free hand since she didn’t like you carrying a lot of weight. You just didn’t protest and let her do it.

The afternoon was nice. There weren’t many people around and you just wanted to spend the rest of the day with your girl who had left work a couple of hours ago.

The bags swayed from side to side as you walked. You paid close attention when Sam told you how her day was, nodding and contributing at every turn to keep the conversation flowing.

“By the way, how’s Tara?” You asked when the conversation took a turn, making you remember her.

The previous times you went to her apartment Tara was never there or she would just appear for a moment before going out somewhere and coming back hours later.

“She’s fine” Sam assures you calmly. “She spends her time in Chad and Mindy’s place”

“With the boyfriend, huh?” You say mischievously as you glance at her out of the corner of your eye with a sly smile to add “Someone needs to be careful there” with raised eyebrows in suggestion.

She gasps dramatically and gives you a withering look. “Shut up” She nudges you as she laughs, completely understanding what you meant.

You stumble slightly laughing along with her, enjoying seeing her protective instinct for her younger sister.

You could see on her face that the idea disgusted her, so to try and calm her thoughts and worries you hugged her arm again, subtly resting your head on her shoulder.

She seemed to appreciate this gesture in the way she smiled again, bringing your hand intertwined with hers up to her lips to gently kiss your knuckles.

Every time she did this, a silly smile tugged at your lips. The act showed so much love in something so simple, and you valued it too much.

Her lips on your skin sent bursts of electricity through your body for a brief moment until your attention focused on something other than just her.

“Hey, look at that shirt. It’s pretty.” You tug on her arm excitedly as you see a mannequin behind the window wearing a shirt of your style, to get closer to the store.

She follows you and grabs you tightly, catching her off guard when you move quickly. “Yeah, I think it is.” She says, giving the mannequin a quick look up and down.

You give her a knowing smile and glance before pulling her back into the store. “I love it.” Come on, I want to buy it.”

You’ve always liked to let Sam know about things you’re doing or will be doing later, even if it’s something as simple as texting her and telling her you’re going to cook something or take a shower. She really appreciates it a lot, feeling like you’re taking a weight off her shoulders and knowing that you’re completely fine.

At first she seemed to like the idea, but in an instant her expression changed to one of doubt.

“Do you really like it?” Her voice was slightly displeased, it was almost unnoticeable, but you could tell something was going through her mind by seeing her expression.

You stopped in your tracks, as did she, when you looked at her in confusion at her slight disapproving tone. “Mmm, yes. Why?”

“No reason. I just think you should look for something else.” Her tone was soft and firm while you remained confused, not knowing where she was going with this.

She noticed your confusion and quickly spoke. “But if you like it, it’s okay.”

You blinked a few times, trying not to show the obvious disappointment on your face. “You don’t like it, do you?” You sounded weaker than you wanted to show.

She shook her head, trying to fix her words. “I didn’t say that.” Her soft voice made you look up. But then she said something you never thought you’d hear from her lips. “I just think you should look for something… that fits you.”

You stared at her stunned, not knowing what to say exactly.

Her words surprised you more than they should have. You’re a couple, and there should be honesty in the relationship, but this wasn’t an appropriate way to say things.

The silence lasted for a few seconds, trying to find the words.

“That I fit?” You repeated in a low, incredulous voice.

Sam fidgeted and bit the inside of her cheek, not wanting to make things worse.

“Uh, yes,” she hesitated, “something that suits you.”

Her voice echoed in your mind. That damn answer that you prayed your whole life for her to never say, made you remember that years ago you looked at yourself in the mirror crying because you didn't like your body.

Before going out with Sam, in a state of vulnerability, you told her about your complex with your body, even though you had already changed too much since the last time. She had told you that she didn't see anything wrong and that you were simply beautiful. That was what made you realize your true feelings for her.

Before, you would have cried right then, but since you were now a completely new woman, very different from many years ago, you look at Sam with furious eyes.

She always knew your weakness and it was unfair that she used it against you for something that she doesn't like.

Her eyes widened when she saw your features. She, knowing you well, speaks again before you blurt out angrily, “I mean, everything you wear looks great on you, I’m just saying try to find something…”

“My size,” you quickly interrupt her.

The silence that strikes again was more deafening than the everyday noise of the store.

She didn’t want to talk. She was sure she had screwed up and didn’t want to ruin things any further, and seeing your gaze made her more nervous.

After a while she nods weakly without looking at you. “Well…”

Perplexed, you blink several times. You felt your heart and stomach turn over at the cold words coming out of her lips. This hurt you, much more than a low blow.

“Of course I’m going to look for my size!” You burst out with rage and pain in your eyes as you moved your hands expressively. “I was showing it to you so you would give me your approval or something!”

Her shoulders tensed when you raised your voice. “And yes, I like it.” She looked at you again with a lump in her throat. “I was just trying to say that…”

“Am I fat?” You question her indignantly, raising an eyebrow.

“No. I’m not trying to say that.” Her head shakes frantically, wanting to explain herself as quickly as possible, but she couldn’t manage it with the withering way you looked at her.

“But thinking about it!”

Sam stutters. She felt cornered by the way you attack her. “I-… well… I mean…”

You dropped the bags, making a sharp sound against the floor. The hesitant way she said her words was the straw that broke the camel’s back of your pain. “I’m sorry if things look better on mannequins than on me!” You scoff.

“No babe, I’m just-“ She wanted to explain herself as soon as possible, but couldn’t find the words when you interrupted her again.

“I just wanted something nice for myself.”

She looked around with a quick flick of her eyes, just in case anyone was watching this little scandal. But no one seemed to care.

“And it is. But it’s very…” Sam scratches the back of her neck, meeting your eyes again.

She only got more and more cornered with each word she said, feeling small as she looked at your fierce gaze.

“Small for someone like me?” You spit out with venom and pain as you took a step forward.

“I- I-“

Your patience was wearing thin and your heart tightened in your chest at all her words.

She was quite sorry about all of this, but you continued anyway, with your pain and frustration spilling over.

“They always put the smaller sizes on display, and I was clearly going to look for one that fit me…”

“I know, I’m sorry-“ Her voice was so low that you couldn’t hear it.

“I didn’t want to hear my girlfriend tell me to my face how fat I am.”

Her heart broke at that very moment when you said those words. She was very sorry for putting you in that place, and deep down she knew she deserved it.

“I didn’t mean to… I never… I never said that.”

“But you thought about it for sure, right Samantha?”

She stayed silent, not knowing what to answer so as not to make things worse than they were. It hurt her that you called her by her full name, realizing how much it hurt you.

She looked at you with a vulnerable expression and her shoulders tense, regretful for everything that happened.

You stood there, arms crossed, staring at her for her to say something. But nothing came out of her lips. “I’m leaving”

You say with a broken and firm voice and then turn your back to her with the intention of leaving the place.

Her heart beats desperately when she sees you leaving, leaving her alone.

She bends down to pick up the bags you just threw away to follow you out of the store. “Love, please. Let me-“

“Leave me alone” you shouted, still with your voice breaking, without turning around, and then you got lost among the people.

She wanted to hug you, comfort you, and apologize for what she had just caused, but she knew you wanted to be alone. “Okay” she says in an inaudible voice as she stands still, without going after you again.

You left the mall with your heart tight in your chest, heading towards the subway. It was a longer ride, but you were going to take it anyway.

A few hours ago, Sam had picked you up from your apartment in her car to go to the mall together, but now you couldn’t ask her to take you back because you didn’t want to see her.

The whole way there you couldn’t stop thinking about her words. You looked out the window and the only thing that echoed in your mind was her clumsiness in telling you things.

You wanted to accept it, but it simply hurt and made you angry. So many emotions at the same time.

When you got home, you collapsed face down on the couch exhausted.

You let out a big sigh before pulling your phone out of your pocket and realizing that Sam had left over twenty messages and two missed calls. She had gotten there earlier and was still online.

It hurt you to understand that even though you were mad at her, Sam still cared about you.

You made yourself comfortable on the couch and read each of the messages.

Each message represented how worried and sorry she was, asking for forgiveness and sending you a picture of some random cat from the internet.

Your weakness was those little felines, but you weren't going to let it go that easy. You read her messages and decided to take a quick shower before answering her.

And so you did. You left her on read and went to take a quick shower, even though it was late you didn't care.

When you got out of the shower with a towel around you, the phone vibrated again. You picked it up and saw that it was another call from Sam. You automatically hung up and texted her so she wouldn't worry too much.

You were mad at her. Yes. But that wasn't a reason to ghost her and disappear from her life.

Your replies to her messages were short and dry showing how upset you were.

She didn't let it go. She felt worse and worse for not having your usually long and catchy messages, with some emoji at the end.

And so it was until the next day, where you didn't talk too much because you were busy with your respective jobs.

But each one was thinking about the other.

Sam worried and remorseful for making you feel bad, and you upset and sad for being away from her.

The dry messages continued throughout a torturous day.

You both didn't like being angry with each other and Sam didn't want to be this way anymore. It hurt her heart to know that the reason you're so distant is because of her and she wanted to end it.

The next day you arrived at your apartment in the afternoon. You hadn't thought about her for a few hours because you were constantly busy with your duties and obligations.

You changed into more casual and comfortable clothes and then filled a small watering can with water.

You walked to the balcony and leaned over the railing, where you had a flower pot hanging out to water.

Your gaze was neutral as you focused on your task until a voice that you would recognize anywhere pulled you out of your thoughts.

“Babe, please” It was Sam who was in the middle of the street yelling up, waiting for you to notice her.

She was carrying a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. She was wearing a shirt that made her look somewhat formal. You didn’t know if it was because she had just gotten off work or if she had prepared for the occasion, but either option piqued your interest.

“I know I fucked up, I shouldn’t have said all those things, but please perdóname mi amor”

She desperately begged for you to forgive her, while waving her already busy hands.

Seeing her like this made your heart skip a beat in affection, and you leaned on the railing to get a better look at her behavior.

You live on the fourth floor, which meant that Sam was yelling more than necessary and doing everything she could to make you hear her.

“I didn’t mean it, I swear. I don’t know what I was thinking at that moment, but I promise it won’t happen again”

She was really sorry, and you knew it immediately. You felt like you couldn’t be mad at her anymore, but you wanted to see where this was going.

You noticed how the neighbors from the other floors came out to see the scandal that was happening on the street, although Sam didn’t seem to notice. All her concentration went on you.

“I understand that you’re mad at me and that you don’t want to see me, just let me fix things.”

Mutters could be heard in the apartment below you before you realized that one of the neighbors was watching you, realizing that the yells coming from the other woman were for you.

“Eres el amor de mi vida and I don’t know what I would do without you.”

You melted at that very moment and your cheeks blushed furiously when you heard some ‘Aww’ But even so Sam didn’t notice the crowd.

A car was coming at a very slow speed down the street when it stopped next to Sam because she didn’t move from the spot.

“I didn’t mean all those things, really…” The driver being an asshole, honks his horn managing to make her jump in fright and forcing her to back up to get on the sidewalk. But she continued anyway. “You are incredibly beautiful with anything on, even without them you are”

You laugh nervously at her words and she blushes when she hears what she said.

More people on the street stop when they see her, and that’s when she notices all those people who are watching her.

“I know I hurt you and I feel really bad about it, but I can’t stand this distance that I caused anymore.”

“I want to hold you again, feel your skin against mine and tell you how much I love you…”

The murmuring grew louder, realizing how nervous Sam was now. Your heart was pounding and all you wanted to do was hug her and kiss her.

“I promise I’ll be good this time and think things through before I say them… Just forgive me. It won’t happen again.”

Sam was about to get on her knees when you motioned for her to come up. You didn’t want her to humiliate herself any further for you. Not with so many people watching.

Her smile spreads at your signal and as if she were almost running, she enters the building.

People clap and whistle when they see this beautiful moment, giving her intangible words of support.

You walk away from the balcony, still with your cheeks flushed, and walk towards the door, which you open waiting for her to arrive.

After a few moments, she appears with the bouquet of flowers and the chocolates and hands them to you as soon as she sees you, her expression tired and out of breath. She had taken the stairs instead of the elevator.

Despite everything that had happened out there, you wanted to keep looking at her coldly, but you couldn’t do it.

“Look. I know my words the other day weren’t the best, but I want you to know that everything I said out there was serious. I would never lie to you with something like that. And yes, I messed up. I just ask that you forgive me…”

You tried to look at her with a blank expression, but seeing her pleading eyes and desperately breathless voice made a smile betray you.

“Yes. I forgive you.”

Her eyes widened in surprise at hearing those simple words, when she had been waiting for them for a few days now. “Really?”

“Of course. You already humiliated yourself enough for today,” you say amused with a smile.

She lets out a sigh of relief before leaning in and filling your face with soft kisses. “Thank you,” she murmurs against your skin.

You chuckle and wrap your arms around her neck as her hands gently grab your waist to get closer.

Her kisses continued on your skin, playfully moving down to your neck until her lips found yours, forming a tender and passionate kiss as you smiled against her.

Hours later, you found yourself naked in your bed, clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor and a sleeping Sam in your arms with her leg bent over your hip and a hand on your chest. A silent way to not let you go again.