#thedeadflag

purrpickle

And god, nausea just pushes up her throat - the kind like her throat's strangling and her stomach's rolling because of the sheer visceral reaction to seeing something incredibly life rocking - and she has to pour over the picture, convince herself that it IS the same scarf, not just a similar one, and she sits back, suddenly numb, limbs heavy. It had to have been deliberate, didn't it? Their first date, THEIR scarf... Rachel scrubs her hand over her face, truly confused, a mixture of old, buried bewilderment of how things had gone so wrong and hurt and awareness and something she'd long thought had unkindled out of her - a spark of yearning, what-ifs pounding through her head, racing, her hands trembling a little as she pulls her warmed mug of coffee, previously too hot to touch but now her fingers didn't care - it felt good and the slight plain anchored her - close. 

Staring at Santana's face, scrutinizing her neutral expression for ANYTHING, but getting no answers, she's only snapped out of her fog by her first alarm, alerting her she needed to start getting ready if she didn't want to be late for her habitual arrival an hour before she needed to be ready, and she decides, taking a deep, deep breath, forcing herself to close the magazine so it wouldn't blare out of her like a beacon each time she glanced in the table's direction, that she'll figure out how to feel later. And even if she had a decision to make in the first place.

*shares Katy Perry’s song Save as Draft*

thedeadflag

:O i know that song! And it definitely fits that AU and now I'm riding a wave of angst

purrpickle

You're welcome.

It's the lines: I still have the same phone number and we've both grown but I don't know (paraphrasing, of course) that really get to me and that AU.

thedeadflag

absolutely. Like, the fact that so much has changed, but that same line of communication remains as when you were together...makes it all that much easier to remember back, to succumb to the urge to reconnect, to feet the same waves of emotions you felt when things broke off, etc.

purrpickle

Also, like, Rachel doesn't want to make the attempt to reach out, rekindle things... And have Santana practically laugh in her face. That's the worst feeling of all.

So her number's the same, always has been, so if Santana really wanted to reach out, like that photo suggests, why didn't she?

thedeadflag

mmhmm 

Meanwhile, it's so similar with Santana. She's been just mowing through women since Rachel, and none of them hold a candle to the diva. And she just keeps trying, desperate to find someone who could make her feel like Rachel did, but there's just been heartache after heartache. But she's scared to reach out after their final big fight when things ended. Even though she knows with 99% certainty that one of Rachel's throwaway remarks about her being heartless was just a heat of the moment, slightly alcohol fueled remark from the diva, she can't help but call into question whether Rachel really thought that was true the whole time, whether Rachel hadn't really felt or believed her love for her. And Rachel's seemed so happy lately, so upbeat, and she's been miserable, and reaching out only to have those fears confirmed would be devastating.

purrpickle

My heartttttttt. 

And, like, maybe that day Santana had been walking that stretch of Central Park INDULGING that heart ache, having only just happened to brush her hand across that scarf she can't ever put away, even if a relationship gets semi-serious (before breaking almost immediately). She'd stared at it, hands helplessly feeling how soft and warm it was, Santana's eyes sliding towards her bedroom window to see how cold and blustery it looked outside. And maybe she'd wrapped it around her neck, heart skipping a beat as she smelled the faintest hint of what Rachel had always smelled like, and maybe, the scarf so noticeable around her neck, she'd, for the first time in years since traveling that path almost religiously for months after they'd broken up, just HOPING that she'd run into Rachel and they could have... maybe... worked things out..., taken the turn after meeting for lunch with her assistant. She'd tried to school her face impassible, tightening the scarf around her as the wind blew, almost laughing bitterly at herself for forgetting her gloves again, shoving her hands deep into her pockets as she remembered how Rachel used to chide her about that, taking Santana's hands in hers or pulling Santana's hand into her own coat pocket, gloved hand squeezing her tightly.

thedeadflag

 *gif of Emma Stone crying and eating ice cream*

purrpickle

She hadn't even noticed the paparazzi that day, trying desperately not to show what it felt like to know the bench where she and Rachel had had their first kiss at was coming up.

thedeadflag

Yep, definitely too deep in her "conceal" mode and her memories to realize anyone was following/watching her, for sure. Just thinking with every stinging heartbeat that this was a mistake, this was a mistake, this was a mistake. Because Rachel wasn't there, and the weather outside couldn't begin to compete with the bitter chill of loneliness and longing her walk down memory lane brought her

And for the rest of the week, she's haunted by the songs Rachel would softly sing when they'd get in from the cold and make their way up to the loft. And it's like whiplash, all those happy, loving memories with the renewed doubts that any of it was as real as she thought it was, as she felt it was back then.

purrpickle

Her footsteps had started to slow as she approached the bench... But with a sharp shake of her head she'd sped up and left it behind, telling herself she was stronger than she had been after the breakup when she'd sit at the bench and cry behind a magazine, hoping against hope that Rachel's warm, smaller body would settle down next to her, arms sliding around her and pulling her head to her chest.

It probably doesn't help that Rachel had been in a high profile, supposedly very serious and romantic, happy relationship for almost two years about a year after their breakup, with rumors that he was going to propose any time now until they had suddenly broken up. Santana didn't like to listen to rumors, knowing her own got out of hand, but it had still hurt. Because she'd been thinking about a wedding in the future - had ALWAYS been thinking a wedding was in the future once their relationship had settled and grown and became real, more REAL than any other relationship Santana had had. And the grapevine had said it was Rachel's boyfriend who had broken up with her, so it probably meant that Rachel had been ready and capable, definitely capable, of moving on. Sure, Rachel wasn't dating anyone currently, only casually here and there, and it had been a while since that serious relationship, but Santana couldn't help worrying that... That she wasn't needed. That Rachel had completely released her from her mind.

thedeadflag

i'm dying here !!! Ugh, the feels

purrpickle

Really, this is a LOT of feels. It's so gooood while it hurts, too. XD

(You know, I was thinking, and it's okay if your addition contradicts this, I just wanted to get it down, but: what if Rachel was actually the one who broke up with her boyfriend and let him say he was the one who did? Because she was happy, but she wasn't AS happy as she knew she could have been. And maybe he DID actually propose, but she turned him down, and that's what led to their breakup.)

(She's never told anyone.)

(Not even her closest friends. The only person she DID almost tell, who she WANTED to tell, was Santana. But she didn't.)

(It hurt too much. And they were over, weren't they?)

(She didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to admit who it was she still thought of. Too vulnerable. Too easy to hurt.)

thedeadflag

that's actually pretty much what I was going to add on, that Rachel was the one that couldn't go through with a bigger relationship commitment after Santana, because it never felt right, felt like enough. But she'd feel guilty enough to let the guy save face and say he dumped her. And she'd struggle with the urge to run to Santana to vent about the whole situation, because it was simply too much for her to handle reasonably well on her own, but she couldn't. Not when Santana had been the benchmark she'd measured him against, not when she and Santana were long since over with, not when they'd lost that best friends-style emotional intimacy long ago after their break-up. Even if Santana was the only one she would feel comfortable telling in theory, she couldn't, not when it was already super uncomfortable and exhausting and distressing to confront that she still thought of Santana. Not with all the distance carved between them since they'd split. Distance they pretended wasn't there, but was clear to anyone who cared to look.

purrpickle

What if... What if this is the first time other than directly succeeding their break up that they're both single at the same time again? Not even truly casually dating anyone.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see that

purrpickle

Like, absolutely single. Not talking single for two weeks or whatever or already forward towards the next relationship.

((("Did you truly think I was heartless?" Silence. Then, deep inhale. "No, Santana. I've always known you feel... Care too much.")))

Ohh, what if they start communicating through paparazzi pics? First Santana wearing that scarf in that part of Central Park, then Rachel fishes out one of Santana's shirts Rachel had found mixed into her things after the breakup and never given back.

thedeadflag

And they're both anxious messes, entirely on edge between pictures, trying to figure out if this is happening or if it's just coincidence, or if their foolish hope is blinding them to other messages at play. 

But then Rachel decides to be brave and lures the paps to Central Park, getting them to take a picture of her sitting on their bench, with a vegan ice cream cone in her hand. They hadn't had ice cream on their first date, or their fifth. It was later, on one of their routine walks in the park, after getting ice cream in the dead of winter for reasons that baffled Santana, that they'd found their way to the bench. And she'd been midway through licking her cone when Santana had leaned up against her, all taut and breathless, confessing she loved Rachel. 

And so there Santana is, years later, just staring through tears at the photo of Rachel in the park, cone in hand, head tilted towards where she'd been way back then. And maybe it wasn't a rekindling of the flames they once had, but it was...finally, for goddamn once...a clear sign that Rachel missed her. That she hadn't just been a stepping stone, an afterthought, a warm body. That Rachel really had seen her, known her.

purrpickle

 *gif of crying anime girl*

I think Santana loses some of her nerve, finally deciding that she's going to reach out - because it's definitely in her court now, after that pic - to Rachel through text. She writes everything out, hundreds of times, erasing and rewriting and erasing again. Finally, exhausted mentally and physically, she settles on, "Do you have time for coffee?"

thedeadflag

Was gonna respond in a bit to this when I had more time but YES

Santana being all "aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA fuck my life whatever I'll just...fuck it, let's just see if she wants coffee" *send* Marches away and paces for fifteen minutes to work off her anxiousness

And she's just so exhausted, and worn down, and every minute that passes feels like an eternity, and brings a wealth of new doubts and second-guessing, 

But then her phone buzzes

Rachel had been sitting on her bed when Santana's text rolled in. She'd done a double take, hoping she wasn't dreaming, and then left the room for a moment to come back just to confirm that fact. Santana wanted coffee. And not coffee-coffee-wink-wink-nudge-nudge like some use it as shorthand for a more explicit invitation, because Santana was not the sort to beat around the bush when it came to that... but coffee. Coffee.

And Rachel's mind immediately jumped to Stumptown, and Ground Central, and Third Rail, and Intelligentsia, all their old coffee hangouts across Manhattan, and the Bushwick favorites like Hearts, or Brooklyn Whiskers, and Mixtape Bushwick. All places with histories, but old histories. And as much as she yearned for Santana, and loved so much of their time together, she knew she'd grown as a person since they'd split, and that Santana almost assuredly had too, so she needed a new home away from home where they could feel each other out. A new place, a new tradition. A new them. 

It took her twelve minutes to scour google for a place with good reviews that seemed to have the aesthetic that could fit them, and before she could overthink, she sent a name off. Abraço

And then quickly followed it up with an explanation and a flurry of potential times and dates she was available, because of course Santana wouldn't understand what the word meant on its own

purrpickle

I think Rachel's also struck at how it's worded. It's completely up to Rachel, how she'll respond. Rachel might have expected some demanding or direct request, but the Santana she had gotten to know... It did make sense. And it also spoke a lot to her because Santana was respecting her time. 

And Santana, having frowned down at the random word when she'd snatched it up almost before it was done vibrating, felt so much relief like heat pool through her body, almost making her limbs numb. But as she read over the times and dates, Santana felt her heart sink, along with her smile. She was busy. Each day. She'd forgotten that she was headed for LA that Monday, for two weeks, as well as not figured that, it being currently a Wednesday, Rachel would be busy with her shows through that week and weekend. 

Santana's shoulders dropped, her eyes burning. She hoped that this wasn't a sign. And the fact that Rachel had responded at ALL was a positive. But Santana didn't WANT to send back what could be construed as backpedaling, or having changed her mind. But it was true she just... Couldn't make it. Still, fingers trembling as she typed out something she hoped wouldn't stop everything, her heart pained, she sent it, and hoped it would be okay. 

“God, I'm sorry. I totally forgot I'm going to be in LA for two weeks starting Monday. This isn't an excuse not to meet. I'm sorry. Maybe after I come back?” 

(My thought being they could start texting slowly again, getting to know each other again before coming face to face. And they're adults, with busy lives, and, I think, it almost makes it mean more if it doesn't go smoothly.)

thedeadflag

!!! absolutely!

purrpickle

It also goes to show how impulsive and exhausted Santana was, completely forgetting that.

thedeadflag

I could definitely see it happen. Sometimes in her excitement/determination, she can get impulsive and not think things completely through

purrpickle

Okay, delete the second I'm sorry in the text. I was thinking I'd forgotten to put one in. And that way, when Rachel gets the first text, she DOES feel let down, but then Santana can quickly send another text with another I'm sorry in it. (Or is that too cliche? XD)

thedeadflag

Nah, they're awkward messes. They've already fumbled their way through communicating via pap pictures. What's a little fumbling through texting?

purrpickle

OH GOD. Though I'm not done exploring this adorable awkward mess of Rachel dealing with the high and abrupt low - while Santana's in LA, all the magazines and tabloids are talking about are her romantic lunch and dinner dates (with her producer or something), no matter where Rachel looks. Like, she and Santana are communicating, and she knows not to trust tabloids, but Santana looks so HAPPY in the pictures, with the smile on her face that always made Rachel's heart pound.

Like, it's not a big thing between them, but it does stick in the back of Rachel's mind.

I was thinking earlier that both women make a concrete decision to not rush things - or, let's be real, even discuss what's happening with each other because both are terrified the other isn't after trying again - and just hang out as friends for a long time. Sure, there's awkward moments and in drawn breaths when they accidentally brush against each other, but they just get coffee together, then more coffee, then maybe lunch or brunch, then Santana inviting Rachel round to watch some sort of television show together or something. They try very hard to rebuild up the friendship they lost.

And there are missteps. From both.

thedeadflag

Oh for sure. They've been so out of sync for so long that they're going to bring some friction, and fumble around. And some old habits will resurface that are (or at least feel) a bit too intimate for that stage in the relationship, and that'll throw them off their games, and have them retreating, and yeah. I definitely think that's likely

purrpickle

Oh yes. Definitely. Good point. It kinda stops them cold when they realize what's happening. And yeah, they retreat. It's them, after all.

It's like, is all this awkwardness, hyper focus of NOT to do the wrong thing, even worth it?

Somehow, Rachel and Santana manage to get coffee and talk and spend together for about two months before people start to catch on, or take pictures of it. Immediately, the tabloids clamor about "Old flames igniting" and "Rachel had never given up on Santana" and "Santana turning to Rachel to repair her scandalous reputation", etc. etc. 

It's not long before Quinn is calling up Santana, not wanting her old friend to be hurt again, while Tina and Mercedes show up on Rachel's doorstep, demanding a girls' night out/in - and Rachel, who had had plans to see Santana that evening has to cancel them, awkwardly starting, like, "Tina and Mercedes are in town..." and "Yeah, I get it," Santana answers, "Tell Wheezy and Chang One I's talk to them later." Both don't get too good of a night's sleep.

thedeadflag

And maybe they manage to sneak off to a coffee shop late the next morning, all bleary eyed and grumbly, and proceed to pass out against each other in a shared booth seat. They wouldn't mean, to, of course. It's the one place that has someone deliver coffee too their tables, but it takes longer than they expect (or, than Rachel expects, given Santana knows how complex Rachel's order always is) and they're both just so tired from being up all night thinking about how to navigate the situation with their friends when it'd been hard enough to navigate on their own without the interventions and interrogations.

purrpickle

It's Santana who wakes up first when the barista comes over, and she groans, nodding at the guy to just leave the coffees. She shifts a little, heart squeezing as Rachel's head rubs against her shoulder, the other woman protesting at getting moved, and Santana lightly nudges her shoulder. Her heart is beating hard, her brain telling her not to move her, to take the opportunity to feel her against her again, and breathe in the scent that had always been RACHEL... And her fingers hover over Rachel's cheek, aching to smooth her bangs from her eyes. They've gotten close again, but... Not close enough for that. And they - still - hadn't really talked about where they heading. 

Exhaling, her eyes averting as they threaten to water, Santana nudges Rachel's shoulder again, harder. "Coffee's here," she shrugs casually when Rachel sits up, blinking at her blearily. Rachel's scent and warmth is gone, and Santana takes a sip of her coffee to cover herself. 

"Oh, thank you. I... Was I sleeping on you?" Rachel almost stutters, blushing. She can't believe herself.

(There was a song I was listening to [on repeat when I couldn't find the case to swap out the CD] on my drive back up that very much reminded me of this story. Let me see if I can find the relevant lyrics.)

(We used to be inseparable, I used to think that I was irreplaceable We lit the whole world up, before we blew it up, I still don't know just how we screwed it up)

-Selena Gomez, Love Will Remember

thedeadflag

this angst has me wishing lesbian life alert was a real thing because I think I'm gonna need it if this keeps escalating XD

purrpickle

At least in this 'verse they're rebuilding and getting each other back. :D

thedeadflag

this is true :P

purrpickle

(But honestly, it screams angsty Pezberry to me.)

Who breaks and moves in for a kiss first?

thedeadflag

I think Rachel. It's the slow build-up of past memories and feelings alongside all the fantasies and ideas and hopes her overactive imagination and inner passion drum up over the months of playing it cool and feeling each other out. Rachel does her best to keep composure, to play it safe with her heart, but she's absolutely not a "bend, don't break" girl, she's composed and strong and willful until she's suddenly not, and it's in one of those moments of weakness where she just straight up finds herself moving in for a kiss before she can catch herself. She's always wanted anything and everything in her life too damn much, and after so long just dancing around with Santana in this pseudo relationship, she just gets overcome by a rush of need, and...well, she wouldn't be Rachel Berry if she wasn't driven to excel in everything she does

at least, that's my take

purrpickle

And Santana registers what Rachel's doing as she's moving in, Rachel's hand tight in the sleeve of Santana's coat, and god, she's shocked still, lips parted as Rachel, hesitating only a second, own lips trembling, presses into her. It's not a long kiss, Santana's hands rising to cup Rachel's sides, Rachel already leaning back even as Santana gently puts more and more weight on her as if to push her; but then Santana wavers, and with a breathy, needy exhale, she's closing the distance, her own lips molding back over Rachel's. It's not an exceedingly passionate kiss, this one, just lips pressing against lips, hearts jumping and chests heaving with bodies prickling, but both women are slightly dizzy from the sheer RELEASE and CONSTRICTION it blossoms inside of them. Release, because it means both are on the same page, but also constriction from the sheer anxiety and fear inside each other that is this right? Even if they want this so much, should they TRULY try it?

(But Santana's not strong enough to pretend she doesn't want this.)

But they take it slow. Don't fall into bed. Don't even have a hot and heavy macking session. They just kiss once, twice, then pull back, staring at each other. Then they talk. They talk a LOT. Things waterfall out. And then Santana goes home for the night, maybe even the one to suggest it, that they should take the time and think and make sure that if they agree to actually try again, it's with time away and it's not the rush of just how amazing their physical connection has always been.

thedeadflag

Yep. Maybe if it was their first time entering into a relationship, they would have fallen into each other and their passion, but they're older, more cautious, with greater willpower. As much as Rachel might want to give in completely, she knows they have to get it right this time if they do it at all. And that means patience, time, and lots of talking. And while she's only comfortable with the last of those three things, Santana's worth the effort. 

(and yeah, I can see Santana suggesting heading home...as much as Rachel is a fantastic planner, she's more reactive than cerebral in the moment, at least compared to Santana, not quite as quick at plotting out the smoothest, safest way to handle this new revelation after they've talked enough about it and what it means for them. Rachel would ask a lot of important and detailed questions, but Santana would be steering that particular ship and figuring out for the both of them when they need to call it a night)

purrpickle

Right. Santana wants to protect her heart - and part of her still can't help but want to protect Rachel's, too - and she knows when she needs to step away, to process, and especially knows when Rachel needs that too. She needs to know that when they meet up again the same feelings will be there - from BOTH of them. And she's scared. She's honest to god scared. Kissing Rachel scared her - because it was real, because it illustrated that the physical feelings are still there, and because Rachel hurt her before. She knows, logically, that they've been working towards this, that obviously they set out with the resuming of their relationship in mind, but if it's actually starting to happen... No one, aside from Brittany during high school and the time afterwards, has meant so much to Santana. And she doesn't want to squander this, knows her particular role to play in this, and NEEDS to see Rachel reach out and meet her. And part of that is slowing them, if just to feel like there truly IS a way she can control this, feel in control.

That the EMOTIONAL part of during the kiss was still there, too.

She's vulnerable, but what she's learned over the years they were apart and her trying to move on, is that they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives.

thedeadflag

^^^ This is hitting me right in my fluffy angst feels

purrpickle

Me tooooo.

I thought it was very important, this part: they can't fall back together in their old love. They need to fall in love again, in their new lives. Because it's SO TRUE they could fall into the old trap of just picking up from where they were, bury themselves and hide in it. When what they really need to do is TRULY start over, MAKE new love and let it be them, not the echo of what it once was.

Basically, they can't live on the dying energy of a supernova. They need to live on the new world built from its stardust.

thedeadflag

Yep. They aren't who they used to be. They can't fall in love with the ghosts of who they were...they can appreciate the good times they shared back then, and the love they had for each other, but they're different people now. They need to completely explore each other's depths again, and and find out if they're compatible again, if they can fall in love with these new versions of each other. Just because they fell in love once, and were a good fit once, doesn't mean they would again. After all, they fell apart because they stopped being a good fit. Something changed, or at least something didn't fit where they thought it did, and that hurt more than anything. So they need to get it right. They need to be careful. They need to figure out if they really fit together instead of just hoping they will and ignoring the details, because neither of them want to get hurt again, or to hurt each other. They know they deserve love. It's whether or not each other is the right one to share it with is the question they need answering, and Santana's absolutely going to figure out if the people they built themselves into after the wreckage of their relationship are compatible pieces of their life's puzzle, or if they're just better off friends

purrpickle

Oh god my heart just died. And honestly, they're both so scared that they'll only fit as friends. Because the way they feel about each other, they can't see a future where just friends would be enough. And yeah, you should always be friends with your lover, but could they ever be friends if they weren't lovers? Would they be able to grow into that. 

And honestly, I just saw a heartbreaking scene where Rachel's crying, sobbing, because she's so terrified Santana's going to say they won't fit, they won't work, and she's mature enough to realize that she shouldn't, wouldn't be able to MOLD herself into fitting together, or "changing" Santana to fit her inside herself either. Because if Santana says friends, that's it, and she'd abide by it, even as her heart's breaking. But she's crying, admitting to Santana that she wouldn't be happy, that she's terrified they won't/can't try again.

She's not trying to put Santana on the spot, but she can't help how she feels.

thedeadflag

She wouldn't be Rachel if she could

*help how she feels, that is. She's always been particularly vulnerable to her emotions pulling her all over the place. Again, she's always wanted things too much

purrpickle

I mean, that makes it sound like Santana's the gatekeeper for their relationship, but I kind of imagine, in this case, she is.

Rachel's not another rushed into high profile fling. But also, Santana does drag this on a bit too long. Maybe not entirely knowingly, but I can see Rachel finally pointing it out to Santana, quietly, forcibly stoically.

thedeadflag

and as much as she heard Rachel's words, as much as it all clicks together with perfect sense, it only lays her fears bare for all to see. She's always been cautious, calculating, and one of the few times she wasn't, she got her heart annihilated. She's terrified of that happening again. Even if everything points to them being a good fit, she second guesses herself, and though she realizes that a little late into their new attempt, she can't help it. She's scared. Because as much as she can see a vivid future together, she can still remember exactly how each one of the many breakdowns felt after she and Rachel fell apart the first time. 

But it's a good thing, it's exactly the kind of kick in the ass she needs, because she's been patient, she's been cautious, she's been so focused on them and how they fit, and she just hasn't let herself put all the pieces of their mosaic together in her mind yet because she's been terrified they won't fit, not just because she knows it'd break Rachel's heart for them to not be able to be friends, knowing it wouldn't be enough for Rachel, and that it also wouldn't be enough for her after everything. Not with how she feels. But also because she's terrified that they will fit, but that she's missed something, like last time (because of course Santana blames herself, regardless), and that they'll end up repeating past mistakes. 

But they're not the same people. Not anymore. And she goes over the differences between who they were when they started the first time with Rachel, and who they were when they ended. And the fact that Rachel isn't on-the-fly creating a powerpoint to visualize the differences as they brainstorm and reassess what they've learned over the past months...maybe it's a little absurd to focus on, but it's something that she uses to keep herself focused and faithful on the notion that it really isn't too good to be true, that maybe they really could work together. That in the years that have passed, they've grown and changed and the flaws that condemned their past relationship aren't there anymore. And at the end of the two and a half hour conversation, their coffees cold on the table, the sun long since set, Santana asks what they do now? (maybe? I don't know, is that the right sort of direction?)

purrpickle

(I'm not sure what you're asking?)

thedeadflag

like, I don't know, my mind's been a little foggy all day, so I'm not sure if I'm missing anything important in my on-the-fly stream of consciousness rambling/brainstorming

purrpickle

Hey, you're making more sense than my word deluge seems to make to me. Is this two and a half hour talk happening after Rachel tells Santana she's drawing things out?

thedeadflag

yeah, that's what I figured. Like, maybe Rachel says it, warns Santana, and plans on leaving directly after to let Santana think, but Santana reels Rachel back in, because okay, yeah, she HAS drawn this out too long, and if they need to get down to it and make the call, figure out if they're 100% in or out, then they do it right now. So it's two and a half hours of arguments and counter arguments and pros and cons and drudging up painful past memories yet again, and contrasting with what they've recently learned, and maybe some more info they share that seems innocuous but the other finds interesting or surprising, and it's all exhausting, and lasts much longer than expected, but by the end...every negative counterpoint, every con, has been dealt with or they're explicitly aware of it and have discussed how to work through that. And they're left with...all signs pointing to yes, pointing to "Pezberry: The Sequel" as Kurt and Quinn would call it. And as scared as she is, Santana's in. And Rachel, Rachel's overwhelmed and relieved, and frazzled, but she's in. But then they have to figure out where they go from there, and Santana's just blanking, because how do you ask a woman on an official date-date after you've spent 2 and a half hours going through an emotional gauntlet together?

purrpickle

You know, I think Rachel steps forward at this moment. She's scared, exhausted, too, but she can see how scared and exhausted Santana is, too. And Rachel carries a lot of the guilt inside herself, too. She reaches out, palm trembling, to cup Santana's cheek, pulling her to look at her. "We both want this," she whispers, "And we've talked enough that even I feel that anything more at this moment won't say anything more." Rachel laughs lightly, biting her lower lip, smiling as Santana's lips curl up, her dimples starting to show as her dark eyes meet Rachel's, "Why don't we..." Rachel licks her lips, heart starting to trip in her chest, gasping as Santana's hand finds her free one, almost shyly curling around it - just to feel Rachel's hand in hers, not let her lace their fingers together. "Why don't we do this? Go on a date. I... I want to. Tomorrow. Or... The next day. Yes, the next day." Rachel lets her hand fall, curling it around Santana's around hers. "We... We can talk in the meantime, but truly 'START' there."

And they do start out slow. Hold hands, sit next to each other, closer than they had before, but not cuddling yet, and short, light kisses when they get done with their dates or go home for the night.

Oh god. The first time they have an argument (like all couples do). Both are vibrating and scared that the other will say something that will break them, or bring up the past, so each are preemptively trying to protect themselves and prickling the other.

thedeadflag

Absolutely, it's like they almost expect something to go horribly wrong, like a veil being lifted to realize it was never real, they never had a chance, their past heartbreak was too much to overcome, that they'd be defined by their past actions yet again

and they don't even realize they're doing it at first, but they're throwing barbs in a sort of self-destructive "it was never going to work, so at least by creating its destruction, I was in control of it, I could minimize the pain" sort of way, and it's just leading down and down, and Santana realizes it first after a particularly pointed remark that sounds so much like her high school self that it's jarring. And it reminds her that this is exactly what she used to do in high school, to herself, at almost every opportunity for happiness.

purrpickle

((Okay, so I came up with this, but I don't know if it really, truly fits? Like, yes, it's vulnerable enough, but I'm not sure they'd really be able to stop the argument in such this way. What's your opinion?)) 

Finally, after a sharp word, Santana notices that Rachel's... shaking? Her heart squeezes, her own tension in her body suddenly more noticeable. "Rache?" she barks, it coming out more angry than she means it to, still riding high on frustration and fear, "You're... You're trembling?" She still wants to continue the argument, the self destructive part of her wanting to "win" the row, but the self sacrificing part of herself wants to just hug Rachel. It's only a stupid argument, not, hopefully, she yearns, the true end of their relationship. And Rachel's not even looking at her now, inhaling, as if to ignore Santana's question and shout out another painful jab... But she's trembling. And Santana realizes she's trembling too.

thedeadflag

it makes sense. Santana does love to win, and is terribly stubborn, but she's shown a willingness to shift away from those parts of herself (at least temporarily) to focus on more emotional matters. (example: arguing with Rachel over the disposed pregnancy test, pulling Rachel close and comforting her instead of continuing the argument when Rachel tells Santana she 'had no right' and subsequently breaks down)

purrpickle

*nods* I also see it as kind of an unconscious trade off... Rachel made the first move to ask Santana out (after forcing the conversation), and Santana's the first to stop this spiraling maelstrom. Obviously, both don't want all of their arguments or tiffs to end up in sabotage, so they talk, again, promise to try and not doom them before they truly have a chance. They're worth it... They have to be.

Ugh... So I'm feeling extremely fluffy right now. The first night they stay the night with each other, like in the same bed, as both have ended up crashing at the others' place before in a guest bed - no sex, not even taking off clothes, just in pajamas - but definitely touching each other, and waking up tangled together.

Touching each other as in lying next to each other or holding hands or even Santana opening her arms and letting Rachel snuggle into her.

thedeadflag

you know I'm a total sucker for soft, simple intimacy !!! Especially involving beds and snuggling !!

purrpickle

thedeadflag

There are two things that Rachel notices immediately. The first is that for how chilly Santana's extremities were when she pulled San into the bedroom, they quickly turned into a warm cocoon of limbs practically the moment they tumbled into bed. Sure, Santana's torso ran as hot as ever, but Rachel knew her rubbing alone couldn't spur on that sort of warmth that quickly. The second part was that after settling in against each other, Santana huffing and puffing the whole way and still more tense than normal, Rachel couldn't help but feel Santana's heart-rate increase. And sure, there was a statistical probability that there was a serial killer roaming around, but the noise had faded, and as seconds of silence turned into minutes, Santana only seemed more tense, more worked up. Which was bizarre, because as cognizant of the threat outside her room as she was, she couldn't help but feel safe, a swell of relaxation pushing her fear toward the edges of her mind as she breathed Santana in, the strangled moan from earlier echoing in her mind. She hardly even noticed her hands drifting back down to Santana's hind-quarters again before a low half-aborted moan escapes Santana.

purrpickle

((I'm not sure how to work it in here, but I almost want Rachel to put her hand on Santana's forehead and ask her if she's coming down with a fever. XD))

thedeadflag

Haha, okay, but she would. because Santana moaning and feeling overly warm is (in Rachel's mind at least) much more explainable as a fever than, you know, attraction. And Rachel's squirming a bit, trying to gauge Santana's temperature and test her for a fever, and she's making so much noise, and Santana just wants to (A) avoid being murdered, and (B) get some quality Zzzzs, but Rachel's making that impossible, and she's just everywhere, and smelling SO GOOD, and Rachel insists she's sick (Santana insists she's not and she's just sick of Rachel poking and prodding her), and that Santana's coming down with something (which only gets Santana thinking new, dangerously alluring thoughts about going down on Rachel to see if she tastes as good as she smells, which only gets her more flustered because WHY IS THIS HAPPENING)

And maybe Santana's so frustrated that she lets slip, in trying to control the situation, that Rachel needs to calm her skeeterbites and put her hands 'back where they belong', while re-securing Rachel's hold around her (back a half inch or so above her butt) Which of course sends Rachel's mind spinning at a certain B-word in there that suddenly casts a different light on recent happenings

purrpickle

(Is the b word belong?)

(Also yes. Yes to everything.)

thedeadflag

Haha, yes. Because Rachel's insecure, she would wonder if she belonged as a part of Santana's inner circle, someone she counted as a close friend. Someone Santana would willingly involve in her world. And she knows Santana's abrasive and defensive and doesn't always mean what she says, so she's gotten better at not taking it all to heart, but now.... ...Now she's been physically close with Santana for a short time and Santana's already admitted she smells nice, and that she wants Rachel to hold her, and there were moans on two separate occasions (and then light consideration of past interactions over the years of Santana complimenting her, the consistent themes of their duets together, or those intense dark eyes lingering on her in what she thought was anger but might have been something else instead), and maybe a new conclusion is forming as to a far fetched but now not entirely impossible way that Santana considers her. And suddenly the bonding she wanted to accomplish this weekend is cast in a new light. Because Santana's so warm and her heart is racing

purrpickle

Rachel's breathless. She has near perfect breath control, but she's breathless. She's scared, too, but feeling so warm and safe, and she buries her face into Santana's neck, pulling her closer into her. 

"Santana?" she asks softly, feeling like her voice is catching in her throat even if it doesn't sound like that. And Santana grumbles, her heart triple beating as Rachel's soft nose and warm breath brush along her neck. She inhales, almost gritting her teeth as Rachel's scent grows stronger in her nose. "What?" 

"I... I really would like to kiss you, if you were interested."

thedeadflag

And all sorts of curse words are filling her head for being so damned transparent, but Rachel’s so soft, and warm, and smells so damn good, and if this is to be her last night on earth before being murdered by some michael myers slash norman bates wannabe, then maybe kissing the lips she'd spent years admiring wouldn't be the worst way to go out. Maybe kissing Rachel wouldn't be the end of the world, even if it'd probably lead to drama and endless rambling on Rachel's part, meaning a total lack of sleep ahead of her. But with the room as chilled as it was, Santana was in no rush to leave the bed, or the arms of the girl pressed up against her. Santana reluctantly removed an arm around Rachel and gently prods berry's chin up, angling them on path for a collision course. Even in the pitch darkness, Rachel's eyes are just gleaming, making Santana halt a breath away as one last stray defensive, inadvertently illuminating thought fell from her lips. "Fair warning: If you pull cat calendar craziness on me I'll ends you"

purrpickle

Heat and shock ripple through Rachel's chest, and her mouth is pursing open as the thought of SHE'S REALLY SUGGESTING A *RELATIONSHIP*? runs through her, and she's inhaling deeply, eyes wide open and seeing Santana's shining in the light and the squeak of, "Oh-okay," is on the tip of her tongue - and that's how Santana finds her lips, plush and warm and trembling, pursed and pillowing her upper lip, and Santana groans, increasing the pressure, her fingers under Rachel's chin moving forward and down to map out her neck, Rachel's throat muscles swallowing under them.

((I'm just laughing because one part of Santana's mind is sputtering because, "Aren't we hiding from a serial killer? How did it end up like this???"))

thedeadflag

XD yep. Like, she's not one to turn down a hot macking session, especially when Rachel's only getting more and more intense in her kissing as time ticks by, and damn. But still, there was a serial killer, like, right outside their door! She wasn't just hearing things! So it makes her feel like one of those girls she hates in horror movies who are too busy making out or having sex to notice the serial killer creeping up, but damn it, how can she stop?

purrpickle

Not to mention the adrenaline of almost certain death is making both girls more brazen, and it's not long until they're practically rolling all over the bed, gasping and moaning into each other's mouth as each girl takes a turn being on top. They're definitely not cold anymore.

However, when Santana elicits a loud, sharp moan by sucking on Rachel's neck, they both freeze, shocked back into reality.

thedeadflag

You know I'm not sure what idea I like more... Hearing a muted bark from the other side of the hall, letting them know they'd been freaking out over a damned dog this whole time, Santana wanting to go out and scare the thing away but Rachel's arms are snug around her waist, fearful that Santana would kill the poor pup... 

...Or the both of them freezing for a full minute and a half before letting out relieved sighs. Santana telling Rachel to be quiet and putting a hand over Rachel's mouth, only for Rachel to kiss her hand, eyes full of mischief. And Santana's super pumped that Rachel's into it, but now that reality's setting in, she's got all these previously unearthed feels rising to the surface and she's already blabbed on enough tonight, but the idea of this being a one-off and messing things up is already getting kinda scary for her, and she's not sure how to handle that, not when Rachel's usually the one rambling a mile a minute but seems content to just keep kissing, which Santana's not sure how to interpret, and everything just starts feeling so tight in her chest

purrpickle

The second second second second one. Insert even more meaning and emotions into this thing!

thedeadflag

And Rachel, she's too spooked about Santana's disparaging remarks about her wordiness in the past to even approach talking about this, at least not until maybe the morning, but she really, desperately wants to. She just doesn't want to scare Santana away, because ever since their lips brushed against each other's, all these moments in the past have started to click, so many confusing moments in their history and confusing feelings coming under new clarity, and it's all so heavy in her and building and building and all she can do is hold on. As cared as she is of the potential serial killer roaming the property, she's terrified to the bone of losing whatever this is before she had a chance to foster it and get neck deep in it. It's the most frustrated she'd felt because she'd so burdened with all this clarity and with the knowledge that if she put it to words, it'd likely slip right between her fingers. She'd always been a dreamer and she's never let one die on her before, so she wasn't about to start now.

But at the same time, in Santana's head, her composure's chipping away with every second Rachel's not using her big over dramatic words to clarify what she meant to her. Because Rachel was moon-eyed for Finnept and Jessie St. Jackoff right away, incapable of shutting up about their 'burgeoning romantic potential'. Was she not good enough? Did she not measure up? Was she just a warm body and a nice bit of adrenaline-induced entertainment for Berry? And damn it if all of that doesn't have her eyes stinging, forcing her forward to pull Rachel into a kiss to keep Rachel from noticing, to try and derail the path her emotions were on. Maybe if they kissed hard enough, maybe if they touched each other in the right places enough, maybe she could sidestep the persistent presence in her head telling her that, yet again, she wasn't good enough.

purrpickle

(I both love and rue you. This is perfect. Do you think they're in high school here? That's what I was picturing.)

(I ask as I formulate what to add next.)

thedeadflag

I wasn't committed to any particular time frame tbh, but high school was a definite possibility.

purrpickle

I like the idea of high school Pezberry because the sheer drama of it, the intensity of being unsure but WANTING so much.

Rachel's confused, inside. Santana's kisses are almost more... Desperate now. Hot. The girl having taken her hand away and replaced it with her mouth again, body pressing into Rachel's from above, from her chest to her hips, and she's... Like Santana's way of expressing panic at near certain death is getting translated by her hands running up and down Rachel's sides, tangling in her hair, the girl ONE second away from starting to rock into her. And yes, it made Rachel's heart pound, and her body squeeze, as her own hands swept up and down Santana's burning, smooth back, palms catching against her bra, but there was just something... OFF that filtered through the haze inside her own mind.

"W-wait," she gasped - mindful, barely a whisper, unable to stop a whimper when Santana's lips brushed along hers as she dropped her head back to put space between them; undeterred, Santana just moved her attention down Rachel's chin, administering to her neck again, almost as if she'd forgotten it had made Rachel moan before. "Sa-Santana. WAIT." Sure, she was screaming inside her own head that she was going to ruin EVERYTHING now, that can't she just, this ONCE, stop the babbling inside her head - - but this hurts.

thedeadflag

aAaauughhh I am slain! Seriously, this is so good and it hurts so good

purrpickle

I knooooow.

It's the rewarding, GOOD type of painful angst.

thedeadflag

Santana doesn't hear Rachel's first 'Wait'; not really. She's too worked up, too frantic, too in need not to hear it for what she's used it as before...rejection. A soft form of it, perhaps, maybe even a polite one allowing for prospects of improvement. Which is why she moved to Rachel's neck, scraping her lips along its column in frenzied fiery kisses, hands scrabbling against Rachel's expanse, knowing that against all reason and logic, this felt right. This felt right and she didn't want to lose it so quickly. But Rachel's second protest hits her like a railway spike to the heart, pinning her down in breathless agony, waiting for the inevitable late Christmas gift of coal she'd be getting in the form of a roaring ten-tonne full-steam train of rejection. And maybe one of those god damned squeaky whimpers escapes her at the prospect of being trapped in that room to fester in it, what with the storm, and the serial killer outside. And maybe a tear or two fall, and maybe Santana wonders what she's going to do about that because she can't live with Rachel's pity, but she's half a breath from falling apart, and even if this is all just a shameful one-time romp, she wants it too much not to latch onto it. To latch onto Rachel, burying her face in the diva's neck to hide from the scrutiny Berry was sure to unleash on her, even if there'd be no hiding from being told again how she wasn't enough, that this wasn't right. And maybe she just really needed Rachel to either shut up and just hold her tonight without pitying commentary, or to just keep kissing her without pitying commentary because she really fucking didn't need to hear Rachel babble on about how there'd be someone great out there for her in the world, not when she lived in Lima fucking Ohio, not when she always felt so damned lonely, especially since Britt shacked up with the transformer. She'd heard enough about how it 'gets better', she wanted to be okay right now. Why was that so wrong?

purrpickle

When Rachel realized the wetness on her neck isn't just from Santana's lips and tongue, she froze, knowing something truly WAS wrong. "Santana?" she whispered again, hands curling on the cheerleader's shoulders, as if she was about to attempt to push her up, but paused, listening to the both of their heavy, stilted breathing loud in the suddenly cold air of the room. Santana was warm, burning hot on top of her, shoulders trembling, and Rachel wanted to sit up, to curl the shaking girl into her arms, stroke her cheeks and ask her what was wrong... But she knew what was wrong, didn't she? Reality had hit Santana.

Who she was with. Why they were huddled together. Fear came roaring back into Rachel's chest, now emotional and not just for her own mortality. This was wrong. This was all wrong. And in sheer mortification, Rachel could feel tears pricking her own eyes. She was only a teenager, and this was too much. First getting stranded, then the serial killer, then the rather fast-tracked discovery of her feelings. She didn't want to die, to lose herself, or ANYTHING to change that would ruin EVERYTHING.

thedeadflag

*a gif of Ron Swanson saying "Boom, sadness"*

Because that just tore out my heart

purrpickle

I know.

I just keep on thinking, "Those poor little miscommunicating assuming babies!"

thedeadflag

They need to be loved and happy :(

purrpickle

And they can be! It's a good thing they're stranded there, honestly. Makes them actually talk to each other (eventually). As well as circling back to sweet lady kisses. But... More reverential, after confessing kisses.

As well as figuring out it was a puppy all along.

thedeadflag

(Just one way I see this going down, but there's a lot of ways to pull the trigger on this) Santana feels Rachel freeze underneath her, and no matter everything she's known in the past, that chill quickly rises up into her, knowing that even her best efforts weren't enough to win Rachel over, to convince her she was worth it. And combined with that massive hit to her pride that she was trying to prove to anyone that she was worth it... "Whatever, Berry, I get it, alright? But if you speak a damn word about this, I'll show you how we do it in Lima heights adjacent" Santana knows her voice is squeaky and strangled with tears but it doesn't stop her from grabbing the covers as she rolls off Rachel, cocooning herself in them the best she can, knowing the levee of her composure is on the verge of breaking from the emotions storming inside her, and she's not sure she'd be able to reel herself back from this one so easily.

And Rachel's just laying there perplexed, because she'd been waiting for the words in that second sentence so intensely that she almost missed them, having been caught off guard by the first words out of Santana's mouth. She expected being told to shut up. To never speak a word about Santana's spiral into the depravity of kissing and touching HER of all people in desperation. After all, she was Rachel Berry, social outcast, heavily-maligned diva extraordinaire, blabbermouth 'treasure trail', but... She'd spent most of her life growing up alongside Santana. She didn't survive this long without knowing when Santana was defensive, or when Santana was hurting. Both scenarios were liable to break out into pandemonium and collateral damage, so while her brain was tossing up all the red flags it could muster, the not-quite-concealed despair in Santana's opening words had her taking a rare moment to think before she reacted, before she inadvertently made this worse and ruined everything in a way she hadn't foreseen. Because, despite all logic and history between them, it halfway sounded like Santana was trying to spare herself the shame of being rejected, rather than sparing herself the shame of admitting she'd kissed and touched Rachel Barbra Berry with passion and fervor. And that thought, as impossible as she would have thought it an hour ago, left her colder than the crisp chill of the draft permeating the window and walls. She'd striven all her life for power and control, but hearing Santana's squeaky, half-muted cries from the bundle of covers beside her, Rachel was positive she'd never wanted this. If this was what it meant to be desired and wanted badly enough to reduce someone to tears, it'd make for a good half-censored entry into her memoirs, and a solid experience to draw upon for her future acting career, but their hearts had beat alongside each other just a few seconds ago. She could feel the aching vacancy grow with every passing second, but she didn't know how to bridge that gap, if she was even right about what it was between them. She couldn't just do nothing, though. Not with her heart yearning to be close to Santana, to feel Santana, to develop the spark they'd had together tonight into something bigger and brighter. She had to take a leap... It just needed to be a calculated one, one that Santana would understand, and one that would keep her from being murdered.

But at the same time, she was frozen in place by consequence, nothing about their situation allowing her even the slightest relief in order to catch her breath.They'd just narrowly escaped death and, more importantly, the loss of her dreams, and she deserved time to process that, and to heal from it, and yell and scream about it and all the fear bubbling up in her lungs and tearing at the sinews between her ribs. She had every right to be terrified and exhausted and bewildered, and to take a breather, but the cries from the girl next to her stole that from her. She deserved to have time to process ad think things through and make a game plan for how to approach this, complete with a series of power points and diary entries and emotionally cathartic musical performances, but they were stranded, alone together in a serial-killer's hideout that masqueraded as a bed and breakfast, and Santana was so utterly unpredictable right now that there was no right answer and she needed one just as much as she needed Santana back in her arms again.

purrpickle

((Honestly? I think the phones are down as well, the snow's piled up to the rafters, almost, and they're forced to spend another night at the bed and breakfast. So in between staring at everyone suspiciously and staring yearningly at Rachel [until the girl looks at her] - because let's be real. The girls are both exhausted. Maybe Rachel gets a quiet, reluctant, "We'll talk tomorrow," from Santana before her overworking mind makes her fall asleep still thinking about pulling Santana back into her arms. But they DO wake up tangled together - Santana's face down on the bed and groaning into it when Rachel comes back from the bathroom, the door to the room quietly clicking shut behind her.))

((Frankly put, they both make mistakes that first night.))

thedeadflag

Haha, yep, they're both too romantically clumsy not to fumble their way

purrpickle

It won't be easy! But it'll be worth it.

Definitely worth it.

I can ALSO see an almost self righteous Rachel being steamed and snapping at Santana to sit up, face her, and they are going to TALK.

To which Santana apathetically says something about "serial killer proofing their room."

'Cuz maybe Santana had been ignoring Rachel, trying to shelter her own heart and lick her wounds.

thedeadflag

Absolutely, I could def see Santana using some distance along with misdirection/deflection to keep herself safe and not aggravate her heartache any more than it already was

purrpickle

Santana also "convinced" the proprietor of the bed and breakfast (also! Let's say there's terrible to no cell service there, either, to cover those bases) to "give" her an extra large shirt that has, like, the logo of the bed and breakfast on it, so she can sleep in it, make her feel a little less "exposed" when in front of Rachel. Rachel both appreciates and hates it, because a) it covers up her distracting cleavage and abs and skimpy, skimpy underwear, but also b) it makes her legs look even more attractive somehow, and she can barely look at Santana without drooling because it's just so... It's almost like Santana's more attractive half clothed than half clothed in underwear.

thedeadflag

And as time passes, Rachel just grows more and more frustrated. Loves the way that the tops of Santana's thighs peek out with every swish of the shirt, loves the fact that despite the boxy shape of the top she can see hints of those familiar curves behind it, knows those curves intimately and it only reminds her of what Santana felt like by concealing them. However, she hates the fact that it essentially symbolizes Santana closing herself off, especially with how confused Rachel's been since the previous night. It only reminds her of the opportunity slipping through her fingers. She wants... No, she NEEDS answers. And despite knowing it could blow up in her face, that it could unleash a lot of heartbreak against her, she eventually loses her ability to put up with it later the next night, entering the bathroom while Santana's brushing her teeth, and locking the door behind her.

(At this point, I'm not sure what Rachel would do. One part of me thinks she'd be courageous and go for broke in dramatic fashion, singing something like Norah Jones' "Turn Me On" as a gambit, knowing that if Santana had a really bad reaction, there was no way Santana would ever speak of it when they found a way back home, not with everything that happened. And if Santana felt like murdering her, it would have happened last night, not when Santana was sullen and distant)

(And the other hand, I also think that Rachel would be so worked up and so buzzing with plans and ideas that she'd probably mix up her words and accidentally demand that Santana disrobe ('Stop hiding behind that silly shirt, Santana! You know I deserve to get a feel for what you're keeping from me and I'd like to think my relentlessness and dedication is too well known to you by now for you to deny me") when in her mind she'd cobbled together a sentence demanding Santana stop hiding from her in a more general sense, but that danged t-shirt just kept teasing her and before she knew it, she'd insinuated that she was going to physically ravage Santana whether the girl consented or not. And she'd be 100% aghast at herself for that, but then the most peculiar thing happens... Santana starts fiddling with the hem of her top, taking hold of it as if she's thinking of pulling it away.)

(Or maybe something else, I'm not sure, there's so much that could happen)

purrpickle

God, Rachel SO WOULD garble something like that out, thinking she's saying something more, well, non-sexual and not so directly telling Santana to strip.

Santana, for her part, is plussed, almost staring at Rachel with her jaw dropped, but damn if it doesn't also make her heart pound.

The fire, the passion in Rachel's eyes, and her voice, it momentarily shocked her still, surprising her out of her normal usual instant anger.

thedeadflag

Absolutely, because Santana does not really like being told what to do (at least outside of certain specific contexts), but her frustration over Rachel ordering her to strip is not nearly as intense as the bevy of thoughts storming in her mind over what Rachel's relentlessness and dedication would look and feel like, and she wants that passion burning in Rachel's eyes to be real. She takes a step forward as she grabs the bottom of the shirt and pulls it over her head and away, a flash of anxiety coursing through her in the half second where the t-shirt obscured her view, dreading that Rachel's expression would change like a mirage of an oasis to someone dying of thirst, but the diva's molten gaze only grew darker, pupils almost completely blown as Santana stepped up to her. Her heart was like a school band's snare drum, each beat quick and sharp, unsure if this yearning of Rachel's was just for her body or more. As scared as she was of 'more', standing a breath away from Rachel, she came to the stark realization that she needed it. This couldn't just be physical. She couldn't handle another night like last night.

"Well, Rachel? Here I am."

purrpickle

Rachel's shock is what saves her, saves them. It stills her tongue, doesn't let out a scandalized sound or gasp of outrage. Rachel won't realize it now, her eyes glued to Santana's body, all the air sucked out of her lungs as if Santana had stolen all of it, but she will, later, wrapped up in Santana's arms, so warm and excited and HAPPY, and thank Lord and Barbra she didn't stop them when they'd barely started. It's already chilly in the bathroom, the power still out, and no fireplace inside like some of the fancier b&bs Rachel had seen on HGTV before, and Santana's body... Reacts to the removal of her shield. Goosebumps are evident on her arms, when Rachel drags her gaze away, but that's not where her eyes are snared. Currently the only light in the bathroom is supplied by a flickering candle, Rachel's phone long dead, and what it does... How it frames Santana's lean frame, and definitely NOT lean chest or strong line of her hipbones leading down to her skimpy, skimpy panties... The girl's brazen, but almost as if she could reach into Santana's mind and deconstruct and take her apart, she can see she's vulnerable, too, and even if that wasn't what Rachel expected, telling Santana not to hide behind her shirt, she can't help letting out, her hands coming up to cover her mouth, in a near-gasp, lungs working overtime to draw in enough air even just to keep her STANDING, is, "You're beautiful."

Also, she's painted in shadows and moving light, and it makes Rachel's heart pound even more than the unexpected nakedness.

thedeadflag

*fluff-driven eternal screaming*

purrpickle

You know, I also think it's a turning point for Rachel. She's so used to thinking of Santana as "hot" (the hottest girl in McKinley, after all), but right at that moment... And it means SO MUCH to Santana, too, that that's where Rachel's mouth went.

thedeadflag

Absolutely. I often headcanon Santana always hearing she's hot/scorching/etc., and that Brittany's called her pretty a small handful of times, but that's about it. So Rachel saying she's beautiful just... Means everything to Santana in that moment, because everyone who only wanted her for her body always said she was hot... This connection with Rachel was new, and there Rachel was throwing a new word her way she'd never been called, at least not by anyone who wanted her. Which is a huge relief, with how it offers the notion that Rachel doesn't just want her for sex, but there's something more

And yeah, Santana's always had this more or less very put together facade/presentation in public, and it sort of plays on and lends to her reputation, but here Santana is, nearly naked physically as well as emotionally, and it's absolutely a case of Rachel realizing she's seeing Santana in a new light. All the same familiar features, but just like a song that's been transposed to a different key, there's no mistaking the difference. And so many of the old familiar words she often applied to Santana fell away, no longer viable as she sought out a more fitting vocabulary, and it's then that the simplest, easiest word that forms in her mouth comes out. Beautiful

purrpickle

The expression on Santana's face after those words left her lips is heartbreaking.

(I'm kind of conflicted what happens next. I can't see Santana being, you know, unsure about showing her body, being a cheerleader and all, but I think it's different because this is an emotional vulnerability. Not to mention it really IS cold in the bathroom, and if she's not sharing Rachel's body heat...)

thedeadflag

100%. I don't think she'd be shy about her body, but I do think she might be a little... Cautious about the way she opens herself to Rachel's touch. She'd absolutely be emotionally vulnerable, and Santana's panic threshold in those moments can be like a hair trigger at times, and so i could see her not wanting things to progress, on a physical level, in a way that's too familiar. I could see that if Rachel's touching her in ways that make her a little scared that she was wrong, that this really was just physical... I could see her moving Rachel's hands, her head, her lips, I could see Santana slowing things down to test Rachel's patience, I could see her definitely feeling on edge, and a bit uncomfortable with the newness, not to mention the chill in the air.

Not that she'd necessarily need to exercise all of that caution. Rachel, seeing Santana all new now, I think she'd take a new approach. She's always been a perfectionist, incredibly thorough and meticulous and detail oriented, and I think she'd want to learn Santana like her favourite song, inside and out, and that would mean a lot of exploration. A lot of reverence and awe. Rachel loves to learn, and as much as she'd be all for Santana guiding and teaching her, she'd absolutely take initiative and have her own priorities. And she, too, would not favor the chill, and would probably do well to keep their bodies close until either of them decided to drag each other back to the bedroom to the comfort of their warm bed

purrpickle

Agreed with all of that (though I was thinking it would be more likely someone would knock on the door, wanting to use the bathroom before too long). Just, how would they even START Rachel touching her?

I think it would be Santana who took the initiative to pull Rachel into a kiss in the bathroom, so gratified when Rachel moans and trembles against her, her skin so soft and cool against Santana's heated, bare skin, only thin fabric keeping Santana's goodies from meeting Rachel's, only her camisole between them.

Rachel's hands settle, jumpily, on Santana's sides, Rachel exhaling into Santana's mouth as Santana keeps her cheeks cupped in her hands, having taken a step forward and drawn her in. Rachel's heart is pounding, and she's acutely aware of Santana's burning skin both under her hands and against her front. She both wants to slide her palms up and down and in and back... But as much as her heart is telling her to dive in, to wrap herself up in Santana and never let go, Rachel knows, somehow, that pushing too much, too soon, will break the spell, make Santana skittish. It's her psychic ability kicking in, perhaps, but she also remembers the night before when Santana had frozen when things had gotten... Handsy. And Rachel doesn't think she could stand a repeat of last night. So as Santana expertly, slowly, explores her mouth with her own, Rachel doesn't try to speed them up, or let Santana's near nakedness get to her. It's chilly in the bathroom, but Santana's minty toothpaste is addicting, and maybe, if she presses in close enough to Santana, it'll keep her warm, too.

thedeadflag

Santana is so deeply immersed in Rachel's kisses that she nearly jumps out of her skin when a loud knock sounds at the door. One of the other guests at the B&B asking to use the bathroom, and while it could be a serial killer, she doubted the portly dude and his wife were capable of much violence given the dude calling out from the other side of the door was hobbling around the whole time she'd seen him. Rachel, courteous as always, announced loudly that they'll be finished in a second, making the decision for both of them, stepping away from her. Which sends a fresh panic spiking through her heart until Rachel's returning with her top and slipping it back over her head, those smouldering eyes not breaking focus from her own. So maybe she's not as spooked when Rachel opens the door and steps out. And maybe when the man rushes in and Santana squeezes out past him, and Rachel takes hold of her hand and gives her this entirely Rachel Berry sort of look, the same one Berry gave her before marching off to perform "Don't Rain On My Parade" in their first Sectionals, maybe her heart skips a beat and she clutches that soft, lithe hand of Rachel's.

And Rachel leads her back to their room, to their bed, tugging her to follow Rachel under the covers. The sheer relief Rachel exhales as she wraps Santana up, foreheads pressed together, Berry pulling her into a languid kiss, has her melting. Rachel didn't need her naked. Rachel didn't need her curves or her orgasms. Rachel just wanted her, no real pressure to escalate, nothing telling her Berry wanted to use her. And maybe Rachel still hadn't talked endlessly at her, but she'd looked at her like she was something special, and she was being so patient and careful, and maybe, just maybe, this could be something real.

And Rachel can feel the tension and fear slipping away inside Santana, heart bursting with pride at the happy little sounds escaping Santana with each of her kisses or ministrations,

In a moment of pure emotion and impulse, Rachel whispers "We're going to hold hands in the halls," between kisses, startling herself at letting those words slip after working so hard to contain them only for a bit of hand-holding between the bathroom and their bedroom to undo all her hard work.

And, after a moment, Santana startles as well as the words register, but when all she sees is confusion and yearning in Santana's eyes, Rachel continues. "When we get home. I'll refrain from 'cat calendar madness', but we'll hold hands. We'll hold hands in the halls and walk each other to class. You'll sing occasional duets with me in glee. And I'll take you to Breadstix on Thursdays because that's the night they expand their vegan menu, and I've always wanted to have a regular date night. I think it'd be important for our burgeoning romance." She worries she's not been concise enough, and then that she'd been too concise and ended up sounding authoritarian, not wanting to order Santana around so much as lay out her expectations. She needs to be clear. Before she gets too deep and has her heart broken again, before they get too intimate, she needs to be clear. The words had been building up over their time stranded together, and she couldn't hold them in any longer. She'd already put up such a gargantuan fight on that front, knowing Santana hated her rambling.

purrpickle

Santana's eyes almost melt, looking wet in the muted flickering of the candlelight from the bedside table that filtered through the bed sheet above them. "And I'll," Santana husks, her hand coming up to curl in Rachel's hair, fingers almost trembling as her palm brushed along her cheek, "I'll give you my Cheerio's jacket. If we make it out of here..." She searches Rachel's eyes, "I... I'd... Maybe you won't wear it at school, but," Santana inhales, her eyes darting away, as if she was starting to realize how silly or stupid she sounded, sounding a little uncomfortable even as a soft yearning threaded through her words, "I'd like you to have it. If you wanted it." She shrugs, hand sliding down Rachel's cheek to rest, a little heavily, on her shoulder. "I dunno."

It was like Santana had lost nerve somehow, for some reason, obviously in the midst of remembering something that made her uncomfortable, and Rachel frowns, hating how the sight made her heart ache. She wanted to reassure her, but there was still one thing that she wanted to make sure, for her heart. "Would you... Not want me to wear it at school?" she whispers reluctantly, convinced Santana could feel the faltering of her heart in her chest, "Because I'd... I'd really like to."

(Santana's faltering because of many reasons - she never was able to give Brittany her Cheerio's jacket as she had her own, and besides, it would be a reminder to Rachel that Santana had been part of - and still was - the institution that had made Rachel's life terrible, as well as... That was so big. So huge. To give her the jacket. And what if Rachel turned her down? What if Rachel wasn't as eager for this as it seemed? And... Even though she'd offered it, was SANTANA really ready to give it to her, either? And what would people say at school? It had seemed a good idea at the time, when she'd first brought it up, but now, it seemed like more and more doubts started to grow with each new word she'd uttered.)

thedeadflag

Rachel can see her words haven't registered, that Santana's too lost in her own head, eyes growing glassy. Whatever was going on in there, she needed to stop it before Santana worked herself up enough for them to lose this new connection before it ever really began. She brings a hand up to Santana's face, risking the less secure hold on the girl for a more intimate cradling of her cheek. "Santana..." She speaks clearly, each syllable deliberate and with purpose, drawing Santana's focus, even if the girl seems a little shaken now. Truth was, she was a fan of PDAs, and wearing Santana's jacket would count as a huge one. It was far and above what she'd spoke of, which were largely things that random passersby could chalk up as friendly occurrences, much as they had between Santana and Brittany, or at least most had. As much as she appreciated the offer, as much as she yearned to wear it despite the troupe's history with her (after all, it would be a clear sign of her conquering her past with them and claiming acceptance by their leader, evidence that she hadn't succumbed to their past efforts against her, and instead rose above and thrived in spite of them), it was a major step. As much as she wanted to sing an intimate a-capella version of Sara Bareilles' 'Brave" to the trembling girl in her arms, there was time for that at a later date. Maybe tomorrow. Or the day they get back to Lima. "Santana...I want to hold hands in the halls, and sing duets in glee, and have date nights at Breadstix..."

She brushed her thumb across the swell of Santana's cheekbones, drinking in the increasingly intense cautious focus Santana was sending back at her. "...And when you're ready, I want to wear your Cheerios jacket if that's something you want to give me. I'd like the whole world to know I'm your girlfriend, but not before you're ready for that. As you well know, I have two gay fathers who have experience in coming out, and I myself have been preparing slideshows and memoir chapters on my experiences and struggles as a semi-closeted bisexual woman in high school, and we've all seen what happened with Kurt and Karofsky so I understand the trepidation and how jumping in deep very quickly could be overwhelming and fraught with concerns, and certainly with your history of singing your romantic feelings in the past I could see Glee being a better environment to have a test run of being open before expanding it to the whole school, so I can be patient for you. I just...I would need a lot of *this*. I'm rather high maintenance, and if I can't get all the attention I need in school, then I'd need more outside of it, which was already my plan of action to begin with with step two being..."

purrpickle

Santana could hear what Rachel was saying, but the words weren't really registering. Instead, she was drinking in Rachel's expression and the feel of her hand on her face, her earnestness and soft, determined look. She had shifted some, resting on Santana's side as she looked down at her, and Santana inhaled deeply, turning her face just enough to press her cheek into her palm, Rachel trailing off. When Santana opened her eyes again, Rachel was gazing at her with semi-furrowed brows, studying her, teeth biting into her plump lip. "Santana?" she whispered.

Santana licked her lips, her hand, almost forgotten on Rachel's shoulder, stroking down, curling softly around Rachel's thin bicep. She took a chance, cobbling together the general idea of what Rachel had been talking about - what had filtered into her mind, at least. "I'm not good with the emotions, Berry, and I'll probably mess this up. Like I did now. Fuck... Look... In... In a perfect world, I'd be able to give you my... Jacket... Like I said, but you're right. Not... Not yet." She took a deep breath, then reached up with her other hand, urging Rachel down, into her chest, arms wrapping around the girl's slim shoulders, hoping Rachel could hear how fast her heart was beating with her ear on her breast, speaking more for her than her clumsy words could. After a second, Rachel having frozen before slowly, gently, making herself comfortable, curling into Santana's side, Santana reached for her hand, wrapping her fingers around the other girl's, her heart jolting as Rachel laced their fingers together. That gave her the courage, along with the silence of the bed and breakfast, almost as if they were the only people around without the hum of electricity giving her nothing but her own thoughts and Rachel's breathing to listen to, "But I DO want this. And wants those 'Stix nights, and..." When she trailed off again, fingers tracing through Rachel's hair, she was almost startled when Rachel's soft voice wafted up to her, her words vibrating against Santana's midriff: "To get to know us?"

Rachel pushed up, staring down into her eyes again. "I... I don't know if you heard me, Santana, but I'm high maintenance."

Santana abruptly snorted, squeezing Rachel's hand as a laugh left her shortly after. She dropped her head back against the pillow, continuing to laugh even when Rachel huffed, tapping her shoulder strongly. "Tell me something I DON'T know, Rache. I know." She smirked up at Rachel, the last tightness in her chest easing as she lifted her chin, pulling Rachel's pouting lips into another kiss, "And you 'totes should know I am too."

(I think it's amusing they're talking about the logistics of being in a relationship before saying they want to be in a relationship, or like each other.)

thedeadflag

At the same time, I think it's perfectly them to get ahead of themselves when they're in the moment

It's one of many reasons why I love them

purrpickle

Oh yes, definitely. It is perfectly them. Which is why they finally figure out that at some point, every so often, they need to sit down and talk and check in with each other, so they're not assuming or forging ahead or the like. All throughout their relationship.

thedeadflag

For sure!

purrpickle

Back to the "serial killer" shenanigans - how 'bout, that second night, after Rachel and Santana have fallen asleep wrapped up in each other, lips swollen and their hearts beating with hopeful plans about how their relationship is going to go, they get jerked away by the sound of barking and paws running through the halls because maybe a raccoon or other critter scratched its way into the shelter of the b&b, like, through an attic window.

((UGGGGGHHHH now I want a semi-angsty New Years Pezberry fic, or maybe have this happen over New Years. XD))

((Or, ooh! They arrive back on New Year's Eve!))

thedeadflag

it'd definitely fit the winter setting

purrpickle

That's what I was thinking!

thedeadflag

And yeah, the idea of getting back NYE, only to tackle the issue of nosy gleeks and various folks vying for each of them to be their midnight kiss... Intriguing

purrpickle

You know both of them would worry that getting back to "civilization" would break them out of their bubble, starting with whoever's driving dropping the other one off to get cleaned up for the gleek party.

Kurt and Mercedes whisk Rachel away, asking how she managed to survive Satan for three days, while Quinn and Brittany do the same for Santana, though more like The Hobbit and did she talk your ears off?

Ooh, Santana's walking through Tina's house when a small hand flashes out from a side room, Rachel all nerves and wringing hands as she's gazing worriedly/hopefully up at Santana. Her chest's warm, heart beating quickly, but she doesn't want to lose this, lose Santana, and as the hours had passed with only glances across the room and shy smiles every now and then, nothing had happened. It's not that she's expecting Santana to announce them yet, not at all, after their conversation last night, but she's feeling needy and worried. "I..." she starts, drawing herself up to apologize for pulling Santana bodily, but then Santana's eyes dilate and she moves in, hands cupping Rachel's cheeks to tilt her head up, soft lips coming down to kiss her, softly, lingeringly, but also direct and hard, as if she's been waiting, wanting this too, eager to reassure herself that this is real, too.

thedeadflag

*swoon*

purrpickle

"It's nice to know it still feels so good even without the threat of a serial killer," Rachel breathes as their lips part, eyes still closed, her cheeks pinkening as she realizes she's said that out loud.